*deep contented sigh*

I posted this as a response on another blog I read... and I was so struck by what I had written (apparently completely channeling the infinite) that I chose to repost here. I hope you like it.

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Relax. Breathe Deep. Let it out slow.

Isn't it a beautiful day today? I love the way atmosphere and celestial bodies create a canopy of amazing colors and shapes in completely unique arrangements every day and night. Nature changes and change is natural. It is how things work and it is beautiful.

When we get caught up in consistency we become annoyed and irritated at the stagnant repetition... like a scratched vinyl record, skipping back and repeating the same thing every time.

You wonder about fluidity and connectedness, it's all around us, all the time, everywhere. Perhaps not all the time with all the same people in the same situations... but that is natural and purposeful.

Humans are, among other things, pattern recognition machines. Ascribing purpose, reason and meaning to those patterns is part of our nature. When those patterns change or disappear altogether, we are either delighted or mournful based on how meaningful and personally fulfilling the pattern was in our own lives. Seeing past that and viewing the fluidity is seeing the greater good. It's being able to see that if your hands are filled with one thing, you will have no room to accept the gifts coming your way without dropping something you didn't REALLY want in the first place... or something that no longer meant as much as it did. One step further than that is realizing that holding on even for a moment is just as futile.

We can cling to the one with closed fist... or experience the infinite with an open hand.

So relax and let the fluidity you seek wash over you, around you and experience it all without judgment, meaning or requirement. Surround yourself with people willing and desiring to experience life the same way. Entreat others to join you as well, without reproach if they choose to go back to being clingy... for that is the nature of change too.

Peace,
Jenna

Ever get that feeling...

... that the people you know just don't know what they want? *sigh*

Missing

The Carrot or the Stick

You've heard the expression ... It means that in order to motivate someone you either offer them a carrot if they do what you want... or you hit them with a stick until they do what you want. It's used with donkeys (jack-asses) since they're so stubborn.

Reasonable way of getting what you want, right?

Not really. Actually, it's kinda lame. If you have to put that much energy into getting someone or something to do what you want them or it to do... is it really worth it after all? I guess that depends on what you're hoping to gain ... it also depends on whether or not all you have is a donkey to do the work.

There's all kinds of work that this can be applied to: Housework, homework, career work, yard work. There's one place where this concept is just NEVER appropriate... AT ALL. When someone's feeling down.

You can't fix that. You can't change it. You can't make it better. They have to do it on their own. People know this... and that's when the temptation comes in to MAKE them do it on their own. (What a concept!) "Look at that shiny carrot! All you gotta do is stop feeling this way!" or "Sheese! Why do you have to feel this way all time? You need to stop and deal with it and make your life better or no one will ever want to be around you!"

Although these statements are true... truth is not a substitute for faith... and depression is caused by loss of faith.

If I'm feeling down about something, you can beat me up all day telling me about what I need to do... it doesn't help. It doesn't make one bit of difference. If the light is off, and I want it on... I have to turn it on. I have to change it. Telling me what will happen if I do or do not turn the light on will not change a damned thing.

So what CAN you do here? Help to rebuild the faith. Help restore that which was lost. If I'm depressed, CHEER ME UP. Don't point out the sores on my soul and tell me I need to do something about them. They will heal over time. It would be better to not do anything rather than sit there and point them out to me. I know they're there... you don't have to remind me!

I see it a lot. I see people that try to help, to intercede and provide solace and comfort. This doesn't help unless the person is absolutely and completely exhausted. The trainer doesn't comfort and coddle the boxer between rounds. He doesn't offer to fight the fight for the boxer. He pats the boxer on the back, builds up his confidence and sends him back out there to fight his fight.

Now, this can get more complicated if you're part of the reason the person is depressed. There's REALLY nothing you can do at that point... except to live your life and SHOW how much fun it is to "turn the light on."

Now this NEXT part is really sickening... and yeah... it DOES happen... and ANYONE who tries to deny it in their own life is lying to themselves and everyone else:

Someone holding a grudge will keep holding that grudge until the person they're holding a grudge about is completely out of the picture. Then, and only then, will they drop it. It's sickening! It happens! I do it! You do it! Why? We've been hurt... whether it was intended or not, we got hurt and attached a name to it.

But why hold the grudge? To SHOW the person that we're hurt! To appeal to their compassion and reel them in for comfort or accusation (or an odd combination of both). Letting GO of that grudge is WICKED HARD to do. But there's no way you can pry their fingers from it. It's not possible.

So... while you're having fun and trying to SHOW your depressed friend how much fun life is, they're going to hold on to that grudge until the weight becomes unbearable even for themselves. Your faith in their ability to survive and to kick that survival instinct into gear has to be strong enough to overcome your empathy for them. You're doing them a favor whether it feels like it or not.

"What if what I'm doing is causing pain for my depressed friend even though it's not intended?"

There's a choice to be made here. Either you stop doing whatever it is that depresses them, or you do it away from them until they can get used to your behavior. Personally, I think the second option is better. The first option shows that you're willing to give in and that you're less important than they are. The second option shows respect for the other persons feelings yet doesn't compromise your own beliefs. If there was love there before, it will overcome any obstacles.

There's an inherent danger in the second option though... you can become just as needy and demanding as your depressed friend. Making them meet you on your terms is no better than them making you meet them on their terms. You have to each come half-way... or not at all... if it's going to work.

Well, I've rambled enough about this. To wrap it up... you can be sympathetic... just don't forget that you can't be sympathetic without being pathetic first.

(Long way to go for a joke? You decide ... maybe it was a joke... maybe it wasn't).

Peace,
Jenna

Yes, No, NULL

There's a concept in computer programing that, despite people's claims to the contrary, actually does translate to human interaction. Booleans.

A boolean is a type of variable. A variable is something that can have a value or no value. It's basically a label for something else. For instance. I see something that no-one has ever seen before. It exists by all means of physical measurement (sight, sound, touch, etc) but it has yet to be categorized. It requires a label... something that describes it. We use labels ALL the time. Human, Dog, Wheelbarrow, Tissue, Cassette, Bumblebee, etc. NOUNS!

Regardless, it's just a label used to describe something. That is a variable. It's a label that's used to describe SOMETHING.

Now, variables come in all types. Types are yet ANOTHER label. It's something to further describe that thing we're trying to desribe. There are String Variables which means that whatever the variable is pointing at is made up of characters like letters, numbers, punctuation marks, etc. There are Integer Variables which means that what the variable is pointing at is a whole number within a certain range.

Then there are Boolean Variables. Boolean Variables mean that what the variable is pointing at is either a Yes or a No, a True or a False, a 1 or a 0.

Now... I want to get back to something that I said at the beginning of the second paragraph. A variable is something that can have a value ... or no value.

Yup, EVERYTHING can have NO VALUE. If you think of a variable like a box, the box may be specifically designed to hold something. But it could be holding NOTHING. This means that the contents of that box haven't been filled yet.

Now... boolean variables are like yes/no questions.

"Do you love me?"
"Are you going to come back?"
"Are we going to keep acting like this?"

These are yes/no questions at their root... the answer is whatever the variable (or question) is pointing to. The problem is that even though it can only be Yes or No... it can also be NULL. Meaning, there is no answer yet.

Assumption #1: NULL means YES. This is obviously not the case even though it's been burned into our brains for so long. Consider the following latin phrase often used in law: Qui tacet consentire videtur which translates to "He who is silent is understood to consent" or "You're not defending yourself or disagreeing or providing any proof to the contrary so you must be agreeing with what I said."

This is crap.

Assumption #2: NULL means NO. This is obviously just as fallacious as the first. However, this the next step in human reasoning. It goes like this: If NULL doesn't mean yes... and Booleans can only have a value of Yes or No, NULL must mean No.

This, too, is crap.

NULL simply means, I don't know yet. I know what TYPE of answer belongs here, but I don't know WHICH answer belongs here yet.

These questions are ALSO based on states. And those states are always in flux.

"Is there someone named 'Fancy Mr. Stinkyteets' on this planet?"

Can you really answer that question with a Yes or No answer? Probably not without researching it, verifying it and proving it. Even then, considering the nature of change on this planet, can you ever come up with a 100% verifiable answer of "No?" "Well, there WAS... but he died yesterday... but there might be another somewhere, or someone I asked before might have changed their name by now."

"Is there a dinosaur in my back yard?"

When asked during the Jurassic period, the answer to that could be Yes. Today, more than likely that would be No.

"So what's all the hubbub about anyway? Why go through all this? You're boring me already!" ... Right?

If someone says, "I don't know" don't make the mistakes I did by assuming this answer to be synonymous with True or False. Accept that True and False are simply concepts that help us determine actions. Accept that "I don't know" (or NULL) is simply something to indicate that action is required before an answer can be given.

Also, don't be afraid of True, False or NULL. They've existed since time immortal and will continue to exist even after we are dead and buried. Understand how these concepts play out in our lives to adjust our emotions, actions and motivations.

So... if you're struggling today... trying to figure out the answer to a question whose answer you KNOW is NULL at the moment, don't fret and don't worry about it. It may be YOUR question... but it's not YOUR answer. The answer will be there eventually.

Peace,
Jenna

Interesting Idea... Still Full of Crap

My mother is one of my readers here. I'm not sure how many others are reading (I know there's a couple of you out there though) but this is an interesting letter she forwarded to me. It's a story that claims to prove the existence of God even with so much pain and suffering in the world. It goes like this:

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects.
When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: 'I don't believe that God exists..'

'Why do you say that?' asked the customer.

'Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain! I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things.'

The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.

Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber 'You know what? Barbers do not exist.'

'How can you say that?' asked the surprised barber. 'I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!'

'No!' the customer exclaimed. 'Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside!'

'Ah, but barbers DO exist! That's what happens when people do not come to me.'

'Exactly!' affirmed the customer. 'That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! That's what happens when people do not go to Him and don't look to Him for help. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world.'

Here's what I wrote back:

Cute, mom. Although the logic suffers. It's similar to what's called casual correlation. In Latin the phrase is "Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc" which translates as "after this, therefore because of this."

It's the belief that since Event B occurred after Event A occurred, Event B must have happened BECAUSE of Event A. The man's long hair and beard doesn't mean he didn't go to a barber. It means his hair grew naturally without interference from outside influences. It is conceivable that he went to a barber and was refused treatment. Perhaps he didn't smell right, look right, didn't have enough money, whatever. There are plenty of possibilities.

This is where words and logic fail to describe concepts like God and Love.

It's a beautiful notion that all one has to do is go to a Barber and ask for a haircut... and that just by asking they will receive one. But realistically, that doesn't work. Of course, the barber's original statement about God not existing was fallacious too. His concept of God did not fit into the reality he lives in and therefore "disproved" the existence of God. The only thing he disproved, however, was his idea of God. Proving or disproving a metaphysical concept based on physical results is something only we humans do. But it helps us sleep at night. :)

Regardless... *I* Love you and always will. :)

And I do love you, Mom. Proud to say it to the world, too. :)

Reason, Season, Lifetime, Bullshit

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

That is ALL CRAP by the way. Complete and utter bullshit. It's poetry. It was someone's way of categorizing people and putting them in little boxes. It's VERY VERY self-centered. And it cuts like a knife when someone uses it against you in a "positive life-affirming way.

This isn't the first time I've been given this lecture either. I'm getting kinda tired of this easy-out shit, personally. Especially from people who promise to be there with me for the long haul. It's no wonder I've never taken vows. I've yet to find anyone who can seriously agree to stick with me through good times and bad, through rich or poor, in sickness and health, til death do we part. Mind you, this is just as much crap as the other. More words used to define shit and make up something to believe in. It's not real, at least not for me. It's not happened yet and it's pissing me off. Can you tell?

Again, it seems that once we identify something, it stops being what we identified it to be and chooses to be something else. Why can't I find someone where it's just natural. Where there's no need to define it, describe it, identify it, label it, record it, pigeon-hole it, whatever to it? I'm over it! If you're trying to figure out life, you're working too hard and wasting precious time!

With that said, I'm going to get some work done.

The Nature of Hell

A long time ago (not in a galaxy far, far away, though), I came up with my defintion of Hell. Some people take literal meanings from the Bible and other sources, etc. For me, I found myself thinking logically (as I tend to do... ones and zeros and all that), and I came up with the following concept:

Hell indicates the lack of God's presence. However, someone who never knew God in the first place, would never be able to distinguish Hell from anything else since they would have no basis for comparison. Therefore Hell would have no meaning to them. Unlike physical things, conceptual ideas like hell are representative and therefore must have a meaning to exist. Without meaning, they can not exist. Physical things can exist without meaning, Metaphysical things can not. Therefore, in order for Hell to exist, there must be the absence of God ... with the knowledge of God.

When I posited that last sentence in my brain, all those years ago, I felt a chill. It's basically the concept of loss at the grandest scale possible. People become very irritated, angry or depressed when they lose something. The comedian Louis CK had a bit on that:

"I was on an airplane and there was internet, there was high-speed internet on the airplane. That's the newest thing that I know exists. And I'm sitting on the plane and they say, 'Open up your laptops, you can go on the internet' and it's fast, I'm watching YouTube clips, it's ama-I'm on an airplane. And then it breaks down and they apologize, 'The internet's not working.' The guy next to me goes 'Pshhht. This is bullshit.' Like how quickly the world owes him something ... he knew existed only 10 seconds ago."

Louis's comments are obviously meant to make light of this phenomena, but it's true and the phenomena is in full force today... and it affects us all... not one of us is immune... and you know it.

Now, if we take my original description above and add to it the given "God is Love," it suddenly becomes much more poignant an relevant. Hell is the absence of Love, with the knowledge of Love. Suddenly it's more accessible to people. Suddenly we can see the self-made hell's we put ourselves through EVERY DAY without knowing it. Little things like, "My computer stopped working" to bigger things like "My car stopped working" to bigger things like "My kid won't listen" to bigger things like "My best friend did something I don't like" to bigger things and bigger things and bigger things until we have created hell for ourselves here on Earth rather than stay present in the Love that exists in Time and Eternity.

I am not a doctor. I can't tell you what's going on in my body right now, if something is going to stop suddenly, or if I'm going to live to be 100. I'm not a mechanic. I can't tell you if my car will start when I want to leave work or if it will run without incident for 10 more years. I'm not a mind-reader. I can't tell if you're ready to walk out the door and never look back, or stay with me until I draw my last breath. I'm a software developer, and I still can't even tell you whether the code I write today will conflict with something else on your system or if it will run through time immortal.

So what do I know? I know the difference between Love and the absence of Love. I understand the nature of hell very well, having put myself there many times. I choose to live my life in Love, with Love and for Love. I ask that you join me in that... but I will not force you.

Peace,
Jenna

Exhausted

I'm mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained today.

God save me (and others) from myself today because right now, I don't give a damn.

Go Pomo!

I've looked into this before and it intrigued me... but for the sake of what I thought was true love, I strayed. Now I understand why I thought as I did and that it was true, at least for me... but without reciprocated activity, felt it was not. Lost yet? Yeah, I'm good at that.

Okay. So there's all these labels out there for race, age, sexuality, gender, religion, faith, education, relationship status, etc. etc. etc. They are all used to describe and qualify us so we actually have some way to communicate with each other via these senses of ours.

Yet society manages, unerringly mind you, to take these nouns, these labels, and create complete sub-cultures based on them. This creates divisions among us and sometimes causes hurt feelings, breakups, fights and even full-scale wars. In my opinion, this is a less than desirable outcome of social interaction. But what's the primary thing? What's the root? Where does it stem from? Well, I may be incorrect, uneducated or mis-informed here... but I think it's gender. It would seem to be the very first system of classification and division (aside, perhaps, from family, phylum and class divisions... I'm mainly examining human interaction at this time).

From gender, I believe all other things sprang. It's evident within every historical account, myth and legend that currently exists in our cultures today. Binary. 1s and 0s. Ons and Offs. Darks and Lights. Positives and Negatives. Females and Males. Goods and Evils. TWO! Two is the root of it all. Yet we strive, each in our own way, to achieve oneness. It's this crazy struggle that we keep coming close to and even achieve for brief moments (in our own perception) only to return to the struggle.

From Two came Four, Eight, Sixteen, etc. We have more combinations of labels for people now than ever before and we couldn't be happier/sadder about it. So what, you ask? Well, here's what.

What if we threw all that away? Well, not completely. There are certain aspects of life that can't be denied. Genital configuration. Pigmentation tone. Sexual attraction. Etc. These things (among others) just exist without our knowledge of why... and we accept them for what they are ... descriptive nouns. BUT THAT SHOULD BE ALL WE ACCEPT THEM FOR!

Enter the idea of Post Modern Sexuality or POMO! Yes, I believe in this stuff WHOLE-HEARTEDLY. So far, it's the only thing that makes sense. It says, "Fine, label me. But don't put me in a camp for all those labeled that way... I'd like to play too, dammit." Let me show you some videos that might help:

Does that help? See, nothing matters at the end anyway... at least none of this stuff that we choose to fight about. So why fight at all? Love is Love. Let it be in your life... and stop the hate if you can. Then maybe we can finally get out of this world of TWO once and for all!

Peace,
Jenna

Confusion is Nothing New

It's part of a line from Cyndi Lauper's song "Time After Time." The full line is "Caught up in Circles, Confusion is Nothing New." Those words ring so true in my heart right now.

I left Eric's house about an hour ago. Came back to Mom's and checked e-mail and facebook and such. But since I left, the thoughts running through my head have been simply crazy and confusing. This week has been good, but also bittersweet. I have had a wonderful vacation but I can feel the turmoil starting to creep back in as I think about returning to Florida.

I would love nothing more than to throw caution to the wind, sell all my worldly possessions (or at least most of them) and return home. But there are some things I just can't quite get to coalesce in my mind just yet.

My love for those in Florida (one in particular) tethers me there, somewhat. However, that tether is frayed and could snap at any moment. My love for my friends and family in Indiana is strong, however it is also a frail bond thanks to almost 18 years of absence. Things simply aren't the same and I can't expect them to be... nor would I really want them to be, at least, not exactly.

I know how I'd like things to work, however that dream is far from being reality any time soon. If I were able to transplant one part of my life to another part of my life, things might work... but I might as well ask for a free trip to the Sea of Tranquility as well. It's not bloody likely.

I'm good, real good, at making things sound easy. I'm sometimes even good at making them that easy ... or at least making them look that way. But in truth, it never is as easy as I make it out to be. It's one of those times where I can't pick the lesser of two evils or the greater of two goods... it's one of those "choose" moments... not decision moments.

I must make this choice within 48 hours, too, and then stay focused on that choice. It's good, in a way... it gives me something I've been lacking in my life for a long time now... a goal. I'm almost ready to face that choice. A good night's sleep should help.

I pray that the Spirit descends upon me in my sleep, clears the confusion and lights a path I can follow.

Peace,
Jenna

So... Why?

As near as I can figure at this point... the reason is "because life is pretty long for most people."

Ahh... but what was the question? You can pretty much put any 'why' question in front of that. Why should I go to work? Why should I get married? Why should I have kids? Why should I believe in God? Why should I go to the movies? Why should I ask that cute boy/girl to dance?

Look: Our minds play tricks on us all the time. To quote George Carlin, "Ever stand back far enough away from a chain length fence that when you stare at it, all of a sudden it looks like it's right in front of you?" In my own personal experience, have you ever sat at a railroad crossing, watching a train go by, and suddenly think the train is standing still and the world is moving instead?

So there are questions we have. When I tell people about my past, I hear "why" a lot. I have no friggin' idear, honestly. It made sense at the time... now maybe not so much. Then again, maybe it does... it still helps pass the time!

What we're REALLY looking for is that perpetual high. Don't deny it. Whether or not you've used drugs is immaterial here. It's the high of living. That feeling of accomplishment, success, forward progress, momentum, dreams and goals realized and all that comes with them. That shit is ADDICTIVE!

Who WOULDN'T want that?! So why do so many people deny it from themselves? Opportunities become challenges or requirements instead of the other way around. That's insane! It's staring at the half-empty glass of cold beer and letting it get warm because it's only half.

Mid-Life Crisis? Yeah, I think so. In this case, instead of full or empty... it's "only" or "already." Only Half-Lived... or Already Half-Lived. "My life is only half-over... I've still got a LOT to do!" or "My life is already half-over and where has it gotten me, really?"

Actually, strike that... it's not only a mid-life crisis... it's a complete life crisis.

Some people are downers ... while others are uppers. I'm usually an upper but I've had my moments of being a downer. I know exactly when and why these moments have occurred. Fortunately, knowing that, I can take steps to reduce their frequency (and that statement alone firmly places me in the upper category).

Pehaps this sounds like me tooting my own horn... and if you're thinking that.... you're right and I can't change your mind... nor will I try. For that's one of the things that can cause one of those aforementioned "moment" to occur.

So... enjoy your life... or hate it. It's your choice. I've made mine. Why? Because it's a long damned time. :)

Peace,
Jenna

A story for you

Okay... Ever have one of those moments where you just suddenly start creating and you can't stop? Writing, singing, composing, building, whatever. This just happened to me here. This is an inspired story but I'm not going to say what inspired it. As you will see, it's not finished. But hopefully some day, it will be... and hopefully it will have a happy ending.

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What? Why are you looking at me like that? I see you looking at all the dents in my body, the dirt on my wheels, the torn-up upholstery, the broken tail-light. Yeah, I see you noticing it all. I supposed you want my story, eh? Fine.

I was beautiful once. A brand new candy-apple red mustang convertible. All the other cars sat on the lot staring at me with envy. I was beautiful, fast, and powerful. I was in the prime of my life! One day, I met my owner-to-be. Oh he was good-looking and I knew he'd look good riding around with his hands on my steering wheel. I could tell, just by looking at him, that he knew exactly how to handle me too. He would take me to all the rights places where I would get fawned over and treated like a celebrity! Boy was I ever right!

We went everywhere together. He took me to work where I sat outside and mocked all his co-workers' cars. He took me to parties with his friends and introduced me all around. Everyone loved me. We went to the beach and even to a red-carpet event. We had a blast together.

He took good care of me to start with. Regular checkups and oil changes. Bought me new wheels, even sprung for an upgrade or two. But he didn't always pay attention to everything. Like when my brakes went out the first time. Sure, I squealed about it for a while first. But he had other things to think about... or so he said. He would rub my dash and say, "I know, baby. I just gotta take care of other things right now like the rent and groceries. Times are tough and I'm doin' good to keep you gassed up and your oil changed! But I promise it won't be like this forever." And he was right.

I remember when my brakes gave out. I just couldn't take it anymore and snapped. Next thing you know, BAM! we were in an accident. My side still hurts from just thinking about it. I felt bad about it. But there was nothing I could do about it! My owner, boy was he pissed! He starting screaming and yelling. He even kicked me a couple of times!

Things got steadily worse. He took me in to get me fixed up, but I could tell he wasn't happy about it. His mood and manners were completely different after that. We weren't the happy couple any more. It was almost a chore for him after that. When we would go for a tune-up or for an oil-change, he would bitch about how much I was costing him instead of being happy that we were still together.

More things began to happen. My electronics for the convertible top gave out in a rain-storm. Vandals ripped holes in my seats. It was "one thing after another" as he would say. I said it too, but it never seemed to matter. He couldn't get it out of his head.

One day he drove off with a friend of his in another car. When he came back, he was driving another car! This one was DEFINITELY not me. It was younger than me... but not as flashy, not as sporty and not as good as me... and we both knew it. My owner called it his "daily driver" car. Said he needed something to drive back and forth to work that was reliable. He said that this was so he could wait and spend more time and money on me without me getting any worse for the wear. I was skeptical about it, though. He never had any problems with driving me around before. Why wouldn't he just spend that time with me instead?

Time went by. He kept looking at me longingly, with love and regret in his eyes, but then he would just go off with that younger, uglier, so-not-me car. Every time he would look at me, I'd get a small thrill that maybe today was the day. Maybe today would be the day he would say, "Okay, let's go and get all that taken care of." I kept hoping and waiting.

Finally, one day, he came out to the garage. I looked at him dejectedly, expecting him to give me pat on the head again and go right out to that whore in the drive-way. But he didn't! He had MY key in his hands! He opened my door and sat down. I can't tell you how wonderful that felt... but there was something different this time. He had a paper in his hands. I couldn't tell what it was but it wasn't something he was happy about.

We took off. Headed back out onto the open road again! I was a bit rusty and so I coughed and sputtered a bit... but I was determined to make this work.. if he was really going to make this happen this time! I was so ready to see everything that was broken finally get fixed. Even the smallest thing would keep me going! As we were driving, I saw the repair shop up ahead and my heart skipped a beat. But then we drove past it! I tried to tell him that we missed our turn, but he wasn't listening.

Finally, we came to our destination. It was the first place we met. There I was, broken, ugly, worn-out... staring at all these other cars that were brand new and shiny. Suddenly I knew why we were here. It was over. He was getting ready to turn me in and drive away with a newer car... just like before. But this time, he'd still have his "daily-driver" car... and they would get all the benefits that I was supposed to have! I felt betrayed! I was heart-sick. I was ANGRY! What did I do to deserve this?!

He went inside and came out with a young man who worked there. He began inspecting me. I didn't like the way he looked at me. I knew he was just looking to see what he could get out of me. He had no respect for me at all. He popped my hood, checked everything there and then wrote down ALL of my faults on his clip-board. When he was done, he pulled out a calculator and quickly told my owner what I was worth. A mere fraction of what he paid for me.

My owner's face fell. He was hoping for more, I guess. It wasn't pretty. I didn't care. I had had enough lies by this point. While we were there, I popped one of my own springs. It scared them both... and the man with the clipboard told my owner a lower number. I felt good and smug. If this was how he was going to treat me, after all this time, fine.

But then something happened. Just as my owner was about to hand my key over to that pimply-faced kid with the calculator, he stopped. He had been distracted by something. It was the man who sold me to him in the first place. He came over and asked how we were doing. My owner began to tell him the story of our life together... as if it were a eulogy for me. As he talked about the places we had been and the fun we had had together, his eyes lit up like they did when those times were real. I could tell he was moved... but it was obvious that his mind was made up.

My owner finished his story and the man who sold me looked at him and said, "Seems a shame to get rid of something that means so much to you. This ol' gal has treated you the best she could, but no-body's perfect and nothin' lasts forever except the love we have in our hearts. When that goes, we truly are dead."

I'm not sure what happened next, or why... but my owner put my key back in his pocket. He thanked them both and he got back in me and left the lot. On the way back, he stopped at the repair shop. This was too much! After all that drama, NOW he decides to make things right? Why? So he could get a better price for me?! Now it was MY turn to be unhappy. I wasn't about to make this easy. There was more wrong than he could possibly know and I was going to make this expensive. If he didn't want me, I didn't want to be his either.

When we got home, he rubbed my dash again and said, "I'm going to make this right, no matter what it takes." Whatever. I didn't care. He was simply letting someone else change his mind *AGAIN* and I wasn't going to have any of it this time.

The repair bills started to stack up. He couldn't afford all that had to be done and maintain his lifestyle. I knew it was just a matter of time before we were back at the car lot. He was driving me a lot more, and I was falling apart a lot more. Every time something fell apart, we were back at the repair shop. I was so angry I didn't even notice that he wasn't paying any attention to that other car he had. I started to feel bad for it. It wasn't expecting any of this. This made me even more angry! I couldn't see straight I was so angry. Not only had he screwed me up, but now he was doing the same thing to another!

So I stopped working altogether, completely. He took me to every repair shop and no-one was able to figure out what the problem was. He even started tinkering with me himself, but couldn't find the problem. He didn't know I was intentionally making it hard for him to find. It was going to take a miracle to get me going again. It hurt, believe me. All I ever wanted was to have the good ole' days back again. But it got so screwed up! As much as I wanted for things to be the way they were, I couldn't do that at the price of the other car. I just couldn't do it. I said "Fine, he wins." For months I just sat there, gathering dust. It seemed like an eternity. But at least the other car was getting what it needed. I took heart in knowing that I averted that loss.

This was when my owner did a miraculous thing. Beyond what I ever expected. He woke up early and pushed me outside. He washed me, cleaned me up and did the same for the other car. Just as he was finishing up, a man showed up at the house with his son. They began looking at us, the other car and I. My owner was talking up the other car... singing it's praises up one side and down the other. Telling them how happy he was with it and how good of a daily driver car it had been. I was ambivalent. I just sat there hoping a bird would come and shit on me... or better yet shit on him.

The young man was looking hard at me. I recognized that look. It was the same look I saw in my owner all those years ago. Then when he couldn't stand it anymore he asked my owner, "Well, how much for your other car?"

I thought, well, here it comes. Finally after all this time... freedom! My owner said to the boy, "Young man, she's not for sale. You see, she's been with me for a long time. We've been through many good times and bad times together. I made a promise to her a long time ago and I intend to keep that promise."

The boy was upset, but he looked like he understood. It was the first kind words I'd heard from him in a long time. I didn't know what to make of it. The older man looked over the other car and was pleased. He gave my owner some money and he handed them the key to the other car. They left together, leaving me alone with my owner in the front lawn.

He pushed me back into the garage, turned the lights out and said, "See you tomorrow."

The next day, my owner brought home a part for me. As he began to work he said, "This is for you. It's all I have left and it's everything I have. I hope this works, because I miss you. But if it doesn't, I'll take the bus, ride a bike or carpool with someone else if I have to. I'll keep saving money and keep trying things until I replace every part, if necessary. I spent a lot of time and energy doing other things and not enough time taking care of you. I'm sorry, my friend."

My friend. Those words struck me. He had never called me that before. I was his baby, he was my owner. We knew our places. If I didn't run right, it was my fault because I was imperfect. He could fix anything with money and time. I was to serve him. But during the best of our times together, it never felt like I was property. We moved together as one. We completed each other. We were friends during those times without saying it.

He put the key in the chamber and turned it. I sputtered and coughed and whined... but all the while my mind was reeling over those two words. Suddenly I forgot to be mad. Suddenly I forgot about everything and I started up! It was short-lived... but it was a start! The joy in my owner's heart was apparent on his face. He tried once more and got me to start up and stay running, if only a little. He could tell there was still lots to be done, but at least there was hope.

Since then, we've been taking it day-by-day. I tell him what's wrong, he tells me what he can do and keeps to his promises. I may not look like much, but it doesn't matter to my owner... my friend. Together, we're putting the pieces back together... until the day we're racing down the road again in search of adventure. Regardless of what we've done to each other, we're working together now. And that's the way it will stay.

Reasons and Excuses

I got a message today from an old friend that explained why she was being so distant. It was because of the other people I hang out with. Oddly enough, she hasn't been around me for months now and therefore has no clue exactly who I hang out with, when or why.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm not putting her down. I love and miss her VERY much. What I'm distressed about is the way we make excuses and provide reasons for what we do, who we love, etc. There's the element of guilt in there. People feel guilty for doing something or not doing something and then try to make up excuses for why they did or didn't do what they did or didn't do. Why? Obviously they wanted/didn't want to do what they did/didn't do. (is this getting confusing to you too? good... then let's just assume that not doing something is still doing something (even if it's something else) and stick to the "do" verb.)

Just say you didn't want to call. Just say you didn't want to write. Just say you had somewhere else you wanted to be. It's quicker. It's easier. It's honest. The more you try to "make it easier" the worse it gets when the truth finally comes out. You know what you want to do. You know where you want to be. You know who you want to hang out with. It's simple. Be honest and save us all some time, energy, pain, hurt feelings... DRAMA.

The situation I'm talking about has, of course, escalated and has once again dragged me away from what I should be doing... which is working. Obviously, if something like that can drag me away from working... and I'm complaining about it... the answer is pretty simple. I'm not happy where I'm at. If I were, nothing would drag me away from my happiness. No amount of drama could entice me into it's trap.

Blah.

It's simple.

Be Kind. Rewind.

Think about it.

Peace,
Jenna

Life Copies: 10 cents.

In the past two years, six people that I have known personally have died, ranging from 19 years old to over 80 years old. On Saturday, it happened again.

My best friend in college, Eric Clem, died from a fatal heart attack in his home sometime between Friday and Saturday. His mother found him the next morning. I had traveled to Daytona Beach to go fishing with a friend who lives there. I had already caught one fish and was well into suppressing the demons that fight for my emotional state when I got the call.

Eric was the first one to have any success at breaking apart the shell I had created around myself. He taught me how to swear. I remember the conversation vividly as we walked across the campus grounds at Anderson University (also the International Camp Ground for the Church of God ministries).

Eric: "You wouldn't say shit with a mouth full of it! You'd say", in a muffled voice as if filled with excrement, "'Poo Poo!! I gaht poopoo ihn mah mawf!'"
Me: "So? What's the big deal?"
Eric: "So just say it! Say fuck just once."
Me: "No! Why should I?"
Eric: "Just say it!"
.
. (lots more protesting and antagonizing which eventually lead to)
.
Me: "Fine! FUCK!"
Eric: "See, now didn't that feel good?"
Me: "Actually, it did."

Eric was the only one of my friends from Indiana that I told about my desire to transition. He didn't understand, exactly... begged me to just accept being gay and that it was okay... but I wasn't ready for that level of understanding yet. I told him about it shortly before I left for Florida... 17 years ago.

Since then, I've been home a few times. The last time I saw Eric was last year when I went to see my brother David who was dying from esophageal cancer. Eric never changed himself or his love for his friends and family. He figured himself out a long time ago, and stuck with it. I loved him for it. I miss my friend terribly. But I am happy that he did not have to suffer a long battle with heart disease, too.

I've been spending a lot of time (almost 40 years now) trying to figure myself out. There were a few times when I thought I had it figured out... only to find out that I was wrong... and then only again to find out that I was wrong about being wrong.

I've been called a chameleon, a changeling, a copy-cat, a fake, all kinds of things... simply because I'm looking to find that which truly represents me; one simple persona that completely embodies me. I'm trying to be an individual in a world that both shuns and adores them. Yeah... I've been looking for my pigeon hole. Then I realized that I was trying too hard to be an individual and forgot to "just be."

ALL this crap swims around in my head all the time, believe it or not... and it gets tiring. But I have stumbled onto a beautiful truth about myself that makes perfect sense. I am the individual already. All the things I have "tried on" and been labeled a copy-cat for, ARE part of me. I have never stopped being myself, not ever.

Part of Eric lives within me now. Not in a creepy kinda parasite way, and certainly not in an offspring way (which is creepier than the parasite idea). The best of him, the parts that made me laugh and smile, continue to live in me to make others laugh and smile. How can I be sad for that? How can I allow myself to feel hated when I know now that part of my role is to continue to spread his love to others?

Perhaps there's not much "originality" in me. If that is the case, I accept it and embrace it. I will not complain to my creator that I was not created like everyone else. For in that, I have achieved my own individuality.

Miss you Eric... Mirab, with Sails Unfurled.

Love Always,
Jenna

No possessions, damnit.

I have a confession to make. I've been trying to buy love and friendship. It's true. It's not a happy thing for me to relate, but it's true. And it IS a happy thing to get off my chest, finally. I've either been truly blessed to have people in my life that would continue to hang around with me even though I've tried to buy them... or I'm being made a laughing stock since everyone else but me realized that the object of my desire was simply not something that can be bought... and the fact that I wasn't getting that was beyond humorous to those watching... it was preverse and frightening.

Sometimes I lean toward the former idea. It makes me feel a little better about those people. More often, though, I lean toward the latter idea... since someone who really cared for me wouldn't let me keep doing what I was doing... unless they knew I needed to see it for myself, no matter what the cost.

I woke up this morning and suddenly realized that I've NEVER been in that situation myself. I have never felt like someone was trying to own me, buy me, make me love them through gifts and offerings. I've never known what that's like. Apparently I'm not worth the price... no surprise there, eh? Why would someone want to spend that kind of time, money and effort on a self-centered bitch who doesn't really know how to give for the sake of giving? We only try to buy the things we WANT, not the things we don't want (unless that will get us what we want by proxy).

It's truly insidious! And it's nothing that I want to be a part of anymore! I don't care if my "perceived value" is low, anymore. Maybe I'm the diamond in the rough but even if I am, I still don't care. I understand why I love the movies and the TV shows that depict good people going through great odds to do the right thing and the shit-storm of life's events that occur in the process. It's because I've never had that experience myself. I've never been that guy. I've always been "that guy."

Understand, I'm not trying to beat myself up here or say that I am worthless. I am, but I'm not. It's confusing to try to explain. The funny thing is that this potential appears to be in ALL of us. Some of us are just better at seeing it, fighting it and dealing with it than others. You can lead the horse to water, but you can't make it drink. I just didn't realize I was the horse.

I am ready for the test, now. I know it's coming... and I don't know when it's coming or what form it will take. But I'm ready for it, finally. Keep praying though, because although my eyes are open, if it can happen once, it can happen again. The more I keep that in my head, the less prevalent it is to happen. Once we can see the demon, it keeps it's distance because we know it's there... but take our eyes off it long enough, it'll attack again.

Peace,
Jenna

Foster Partner

Sounds awful, doesn't it? Yeah... pretty much. Of course, for me it's more like being the person running the partner orphanage. After all, foster parents eventually get to adopt, typically. In my case, it's more like they keep hanging out until they find the right one, then off they go... until the right one isn't right anymore, then they come back sometimes. It depends, of course, on whether or not I still have "room at the inn."

"Why can't you just accept that this is your role and be happy?"

Uhm... that's all fine and dandy... but it would be nicer to have someone running the business with me. *sigh*

I've known love. True unadulterated love. However in each case where this bliss has graced my life, it only lasted long enough for someone to really get to know me. Then it all went south.

There is good and bad in us all. Anyone who says differently is already showing their bad just with that very statement. Dan Savage of Savage Love states that there's a "price of admission" to every relationship. Is the price I'm asking really that high? Have I over-valued myself? It's not a question I can really answer, I know. That's something everyone has to look at and judge for themselves. But in the words of Jonathan Coulton:

"I quit... I'm done... cuz' I don't think it's gonna turn out okay It's.... no fair it's.... no fun... if everytime it's gonna end the same way... me: zero... big bag world: one."

That's pretty much my view on interpersonal love at this point. The song lyrics above were meant as a joke... but when you're the clown, it gets less and less funny every time you have to say the joke.

Yes, these thoughts are permeating my consciousness right now and keeping me from being productive... which is why I'm writing them down. I'm not expecting help (although that's what everyone wants to do) I'm just venting.

Why?

It's 90 degrees outside with a heat index of 102. That means it FEELS like it's 102 degrees outside with the humidity and other factors in play.

At home... in Indiana... it's 71 degrees. With a heat index of ... 71 degrees!

Why the hell am I still here?

Trust... Can You?

So... do you remember how it felt when you believed in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy? And do you remember th GREAT feeling you got when it was "true?" You put your trust in someone who told you, "If you do this, this will happen." Or maybe they said, "I will always do x or be y" And as long as they were never proved wrong (based on your required level of proof) everything was fine and dandy!

And then the lies begin to get discovered.

Santa didn't bring anything to that little girl. But she was always so nice! How could he not do that? I don't believe Santa does what he says he does.

Mamma told me that Santa actually doesn't exist. Well wait a minute... if that's the case, then my original hypothesis was false. I actually COULD trust Santa (if he existed) ... the person I can't trust is Mamma!

It gets worse as time goes by. This is especially true with the more comparisons we make over time. Whenever someone does something that reminds us of something someone else did, those neurons fire and we begin to doubt. Doubt is the lack of trust. You can NOT trust someone you doubt, period. It's impossible.

Now, as time goes by, the more crap that happens to you perpetrated by others, the less inclined you will be to believe that anyone new in your life will be any different. The level of proof you require gets higher and higher and higher until no-one could possibly provide enough evidence that they are what they say they are ... or that they will be what they say they will be.

This is a vicious and LONELY cycle. The only person you're satisfying with this attitude is yourself. Even though you're not satisfied with the status of things... and this is the kicker... at least you were right!

So how do you break this cycle? That's the one people have asked for years and years. Some people get it, while others never do. It's NOT EASY ... and yet it's simple. It doesn't require any self-help tapes. It doesn't require fame, fortune or power. It requires that you let go.

"Let go?! WTF does that mean?! Let go of what? I know what it means and I won't get hurt again!!"

That's NOT letting go. That's holding on.

Letting go means REALIZING that this new person in your life is NOT anyone else in your life currently or previously. It means forgiving those who hurt you before and loving them the same way you did before you found out about their broken promises. It means accepting yourself, and others, as we are... not as we think we should be. What is meant to be is meant to be.

Now does this mean let people walk over you? Of course not. It means state your expectations clearly and up-front and what the consequences are if those expectations are not met. It also means STICK TO YOUR GUNS. If someone breaks a rule, don't let the consequences slide! It also means that if you say something is okay, don't change your mind to say it's NOT okay later ... at least not without having a REALLY good reason for it.

Most of all... communicate. This is not easy with people who are of mixed levels of self-esteem. One will invariably, and often unintentionally, dominate the other. This does nothing but frustrate BOTH people.

If you're trying to rebuild trust with someone, be honest about what happened, first. If you were comparing them and judging them based on those comparisons, own up to it. Then forgive yourself for doing that. Finally, inform them that you acknowledge that they are not the person you compared them to and ask for their forgiveness.

From this point on, it may be possible to rebuild trust IF you state your expectations clearly. If someone is unable or unwilling to accept those expectations (whether they be limits or privileges), be honest about how you feel about the situation openly and clearly so that you can both work out the best thing to do for each other.

Now, I'm going to warn you... although this all sounds quite easy... it's not. There will be times in your life when you think "If I could just get you to see my point of view." That doesn't really happen with coercion. The only way that happens ... is through "magic." Yeah, I said it... magic. Because one moment you're not thinking the same... and suddenly the next moment you are. What made the difference? The difference is you didn't care whether they got you or not. Not in a "I don't care about you, you can get AIDS and die" type of way. An "I don't care" where you're not so focused as to force the other to see what you see.

I hope this made sense. I know I used a LOT of pronouns and any editor would probably have my head on a platter at this point. But I think I got the primary concept across.

Peace,
Jenna

Does anyone have a HAPPY story?

Ok...

I have these RSS (Really Simple Syndication) feeds that I check with an RSS reader. What is a feed? It's sorta like a news source. My blog can be an RSS feed too. Anytime I update it, your RSS reader can inform you, "Yo, that tranny bitch updated her blog... here's what she wrote."

So, back to MY RSS feeds... I have several. Oh Gizmo!, MTV Movie News, I Can Has CheezeBurger, etc. I also have a couple of transgender news feeds. It brings me all sorts of news from the queer world (not just the gender-benders).

Today, I got a hit about a queer film festival and started reading through the offerings. In this list of literally dozens of short films, the ONLY transgender film posted was another sad tale... this one about the sorrows of being transgender in a strictly muslim society.

HELLO PEOPLE?! Where's the transsexual romantic comedy? Where's the story of 3 to 5 tranny friends that hang out together? Where's the uplifting story of the cross-dresser that fought to save the homeless? For all the bitching and moaning about how we gender-benders just want to be part of society, all we ever seem to produce is stories about how we don't fit into society.

Oh sure, there's stories about unwilling changes. Those that through some magical means end up the opposite to their own gender and have to deal with it. There are stories of those that use crossing gender lines as a way to get what they want, only to find out it's harder than it looks and end up learning a valuable lesson in the end. But these are not about trans people. They're about people who are chauvanistic assholes that need to learn about humanity.

Just once, I would love to see a story about a transsexual person that was truly uplifting and funny. Not contrived and forced into a hollywood genderqueer formula but one that really showed the human life from my view-point.

Yeah, I hear you in my head saying, "well... why don't YOU write it, dumb-ass." Well maybe I will.

I just wanted to bitch about it for a second, can you blame me? Of course you can. Ah spit. Alright, I guess I'll put this energy to use.

Peace,
Jenna

No shame in my game.

This came across the wire in one of my RSS feeds today. Ole' Patty is up to her (err..) his old tricks again, feeding bullshit to the masses instead of mushrooms. It's no wonder all the Christians I know that agree with him have such sour-puss looks on their faces considering the "spiritual food" he give them is pretty sour.







Proud, Pat? Yes. Very. And, oddly enough, I'm even proud of you for never wavering in your stance or your beliefs either. We will always disagree and we will not be meeting in the here-and-now or the hereafter if things continue as they are. I believe in one-conditional love. That condition is the very condition it states. Nothing else. If you truly have love in your heart, Pat... you'll embrace ALL God's children, instruct them to love one another without reservation and do the same yourself, and leave the judgment calls to your creator.

I worry for you, Pat. Please don't walk down the road of righteousness. Try the road of humility, just once. It's a hard road, but nothing good is ever easy.

Memorial Day

This past weekend was Memorial Day weekend. Memorial Day is one of those "remember our dead" days where those who established the holiday intended for us to join together in a spirit of thanks and celebration for the freedoms we have today at the cost of those who have fought to preserve them.

On Sunday, Sadao along with John and Jeremiah (friends from Melbourne) went to the Space Coast Pride event. It was the second annual event for that region and was covered by the local news. John took Sadao's pride flag (a rainbow flag with a Male & Male symbol in the upper-left-hand corner) with him and was "showing his colors" that day. Well guess what... he got in the paper. His picture on the front page. We saw this on Monday and were very excited and happy for him. We saw it online, though, since we live on the Treasure Coast.

In the online version, there were multiple comments about how wrong it was for people to wake up on Memorial Day and see a bunch of "Godless faggots" parading about on the day that was meant to honor our dead. The rants were amusing to me at the time because I find such bigotry so out-of-date and un-Christian that it's amazing to me that over 2000 years later there are still people who cling to a literal translation of a mythology rather than it's intended set of lessons.

Today, however, in my bevy of updates from around the internet, I saw this entry:

Remember Them As Soldiers

It made me pause and remember that there ARE those who have fought for their country and died who have been LGBTQ identified. I began to see yet another way to appeal to those who would bring hate down upon gays, lesbians, bi-sexuals, transgendered and queers. We live here too! We fought for you too! Who knows? If some of those women that donned men's clothing so they could fight in the war had chosen a more "socially acceptable" path, it might have turned out for the worse! Maybe not, of course, but the possibility exists.

What's the point? The point is simple. You may think you're fighting for the right reason. But, in truth, there is never a good reason to fight. Fighting is a LAST RESORT ... which I pray never comes to fall upon the people of this Earth. Love is not possessive... neither is it controlling. It is accepting and freeing.

One day, I'm going to take all these little vignettes and put them in a book and sell them. If it changes JUST ONE person's heart from stone-cold to warm and loving, it will be worth more than anything I could make from the book.

Peace,
Jenna

Sans raison d'être

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:

Raison d'être is a phrase borrowed from French where it means simply "reason for being"; in English use, it also comes to suggest a degree of rationalization, as "The claimed reason for the existence of something or someone".

From Wiktionary, the free dictionary:

The claimed reason for the existence of something or someone; the purpose of something or someone.

Surfing became his raison d’être.

Everyone has one, or they wouldn't be alive on this planet right now. I'm not talking about some cosmic reason, I'm talking about a personal, realized reason. It's what keeps us going. It's the source of our happiness. It's what makes us tick. It's the most precious thing we have, really. It's something we want to share, yet it's something that if known (and taken away) can be devastating to life.

A kind, understanding and loving person will help you fulfill your raison d'être. Someone without those qualities will want to expose it in order to eliminate it.

My own raison d'être has changed many times. It's had to. I've either set my sights so low that I was able to fulfill it too quickly, or they were set so impossibly high that I couldn't figure out how to get there from here and gave up. It's a frightening thing to be without one, let me tell ya (although I probably don't need to tell ya).

It ties, pretty heavily, into another French phrase: Joie de vivre:

Joie de vivre (from the French joie, "joy"; de, "of"; vivre, "to live, living"; "the joy of living") is a term sometimes imported into English to express a cheerful enjoyment of life; an exultation of spirit. Joie de vivre, as one scholar has written,

"can be a joy of conversation, joy of eating, joy of anything one might do… And joie de vivre may be seen as a joy of everything, a comprehensive joy, a philosophy of life, a Weltanschauung. Robert's Dictionnaire says joie is sentiment exaltant ressenti par toute la conscience, that is, involves one's whole being."

In English common usage, the phrase is sometimes corrupted to joie de vie. This would translate to "joy of life" or "zest for life," rather than the more affirmative "joy of living." Joie de vive is another common spelling error.

Is it really all perception? How many times can one change their perception of life in order to keep going? I understand, now, why people have families and careers and such. It is their raison d'être and gives them joie de vivre. So where is mine? Where has it gone? I miss it.

Part of the problem is when one makes another person their reason to be. My mother warned me of this. I have fought dilliegenty to keep this from happening. However her suggestion seemed inadequte at the time. Her suggestion was to have God be my raison d'être. That's not an easy task for a being trapped in a physical realm. I have no physical, sensual experience of God. I can't see, hear, smell, touch or even taste God. I've been in situations where I've felt the "God experience" but based on the definition, I can't say that it's been real since it hasn't lasted.

If God is Love, and Love never fails, then God would never fail and never depart. I've experienced many things, in every tactile sense I mentioned before, that has brought me to that "God experience." But every time it fades I'm reminded that it's simply the dopamine/serotonin rush that I'm feeling and not really God. Why wasn't it God? It didn't last, that's why.

I'm fighting depression. Depression brought on by loss. How does one live without a raison d'être after having one for so long? How does one simply change their raison d'être again... especially after they've already had to change it over and over and over again? The first question is more to the point, really. Living without one. That's a toughie. Without that... why get out of bed? Why go to work? Why bother eating, dressing, cleaning the house, making the beds, doing the chores of what's necessary in life? I understand now how addictions are formed... they fulfill someone's need for a raison d'être ... often without a true joie de vivre.

Even now, I can feel my spirits lifting just discussing this. It seems that the very quest, the very nature of my search is often part and parcel to my raison d'être yet brings me little joy. Just enough to get me through this post, probably. Are we all just dopamine junkies?

I posted this picture on Sadao's Myspace account a few days ago:

It REALLY made me laugh! I posted it with "Who do these two cats remind you of?" See, the top one reminds me of me... while the bottom one reminds me of him. I envy that simple, child-like view he has, the ability to amuse himself (and others) in any situation. I only envy it, of course, because I used to possess that ability myself. It was when my raison d'être WAS the joie de vivre. Is there a way to get back there without going back in time? Is there a way to push through this depression without falling back upon mythology that doesn't manifest itself in the physical world? If there is, I must find it ... or I fear my raison d'être will completely cease to exist. I know what this means, ironically. It means losing "everything" again... in order to find eternity. Death to old ways, Birth to new ones.

This post may have left you feeling bad for me. Don't let that happen! This is just my mental toilet time, I guess. I hope that someday I can be someone that others will look up to for inspiration, knowledge and wisdom. Having just said that, I know that experience must occur first. So, I best get started experiencing things.

Peace,
Jenna

Sleepy today

Blah... okay... well, I spent some time updating this with all my old LiveJournal entries, Myspace Blog entries, and stuff from a website I developed and operated about a million years ago called "iamjenna.com" (I still own the domain but I haven't done anything with it since 2003).

That took a while! Is that why I'm sleepy? Naw... I'm sleepy because I'm back into Baldur's Gate (an 11 year old game that still makes me smile and still runs! today). Gonna do my best to actually FINISH the game this time.

Now I'm freakin' sleepy with 3 hours and 40 minutes left to go in the day.

My office has started using this thing called Yammer which is basically Twitter for businesses (speaking of which, I can now Tweet from my mobile phone to Twitter to Facebook... apparently MySpace isn't quite that advanced) ... so now I have to "yap" about what I'm doing every 15 minutes or so... or someone will wonder what I'm doing. ... ... ... ?!?!?!??

Mind you, they're right in wondering since at this very moment I'm writing in my blog rather than "yapping" on "yammer" about what I'm doing. Apparently my fingers, being an extension of myself, also can not be in more than one place at the same time.

Anyway... this is just a quick update so I don't forget that I exist... if you know what I mean.

Peace,
Jenna

La la la

Good morning...

It's 7:12 a.m. here on the treasure coast and I'm waiting on laundry to finish so I have something to wear to work. *sigh* ... So... it seems it's been another month since I last wrote. You know what that means... a lot to cover and barely any time to write it all down in. I'll do my best.

Not long after the Pride of the Palm Beaches was the very first Miami Beach Pride Festival. Naturally we went. Expectations were high, so naturally it was a disaster. Honestly, the event itself was wonderful... Patti LaBelle was even there... so it couldn't be ALL bad. No, I'm talking about the personal drama.

Thanks to certain pharmaceuticals, there was more faggotry in the air than even a thousand homosexuals could muster up... and this was not good faggotry... it was bad, evil cat-fight, bitch-slap drama crap. Who were the players? Travis and Sadao. It was a mess, truly. Without getting into FULL details, Sadao tried to jump over a railing that would have ended up in about an 8 foot drop... in high-heel flip-flops... while blasted on Xanax. We tried to stop him. He ran off, Travis chased him to get the keys and started a fight.

On top of that, Sadao's car got towed, he lost his glasses, his shirt, his shoes and his bag which had had his phone and wallet in it. Travis, on the other hand, managed to keep all of his personal belonging (including his little goodie-bag from the various vendors at Pride). Did I mention that Travis was the one who supplied the Xanax to Sadao? No? Yeah... well... it was a mess.

So, after paying $190 to get the car out of tow (this after spending $500 on his car to get it worthy of the trip to Miami in the first place) we all got in the car to head home. Tensions were high and I knew that it wasn't over yet. Three hours in the car with Sadao, Travis, Dorian and Rachel (and her stolen dog).

We didn't last that long. 5 minutes, tops, and they were at it again to where Sadao jumped out of the car and ran off. We all waited (I know Sadao and knew what he needed) until he came back. I tried to defuse the situation as best as I could... but fate had other plans. When Sadao came back, we tried to keep Travis quiet so that Sadao could vent and we could get on the road. Travis had it coming, in my opinion. Sadao was cut all over and bruised from their scuffle. Travis looked little worse for the wear. Then it happened. Travis, in the back seat, hauls off and punches Sadao (in the front seat). Sadao loses it and lunges back at Travis, accidentally giving me a bloody nose in the process. That's when I put a final end to it. Travis was staying in Miami.

We got through the car fight and then headed home. I felt like shit for leaving Travis there but was also pissed off that he would continue to pick a fight with Sadao. Here they are, friends for five years, Travis has all his belongings and Sadao literally has only his shorts left. How does someone look at their friend who has NOTHING and continue to beat them down?

When we got home, I called Travis' mother and spoke with her about it. She was on her way to get him. They showed up at around 3 a.m. to pick up his dog, cat and a few items and then back to Port St. John.

He's gone now, for good. The next day, Sadao, AJ (Sadao's bf at that time) and I went to the Treasure Coast pride here in PSL. THAT was fun! The one day I don't bring my camer and he, AJ and Frankie ALL get on stage. *sigh* We had a bit more fun that night and I finally got to know AJ. I REALLY liked him a lot... for Sadao. It's the first time I've met someone that I thought was really good for Sadao.

But if you wanted to know about him, you would've asked him about it. This is my blog so I'll get back to me.

Since Travis has been gone, it's been quieter here, for the most part. About a week and a half a go I got the chance to meet someone from Facebook. His name is Guillermo. He's really sweet and I was glad we finally got the chance to meet. I drove down to Jupiter to this little place he suggested called the Square Grouper Tiki Bar. It's a quaint little place right on the water with live music... it was fun!

But nothing happens in my life with simplicity... no no, not allowed. We got a couple of beers and sat by the water to get to know each other. Sitting on the other side of me was a guy named Glenn. I know his name because we all got introduced to each other through the "would you save my seat, please" introductions.

Throughout the course of the night, I got to know them both a lot better and we all started getting inebreiated. It wasn't long before my T came out. Glenn just laughed because he had already figured it out, having dated a T-Girl before. Guillermo was shocked (I could tell) but he didn't run and hide... he stayed. Then, as the conversation continued, I realized that they were BOTH interested. This has not happened to me in a while. I had three choices. Guillermo, Glenn or None of the Above.

Guillermo is sweet as can be. He's laid-back, secure, never been married, but doesn't have a lot of drive or passion. I got a lot of "What?" from him when I would look at him. I felt like I had to carry the conversation. In my mind, I had already figured out that although we could be good friends, he wouldn't be able to satisfty certain needs in my life. (no wink there.. just honest).

Glenn is spontaneous, boisterous and fun-loving. He can carry a conversation, he's been married before and has kids. But he suffers from a lack of relationship confidence. I only know this because I've experienced it myself and can recognize it. The thing is, I don't know if I want to invest in that because of the way my own experience with it turned out. There's no point in learning that particular lesson from both sides of the equation... I can read the writing on that wall.

So, at around 10:30 I decided to leave and walked with Guillermo out to the parking lot. He had parked at the bar's lot while I had parked at a public access lot not far away. I kissed him good night and went to my car.... .... ... where I found a flat tire. Whee! It was a Sunday night ... 10:30... I'm an hour's drive from home. I pull the spare out and it's flat too and rusted.

SOOOO... back to the bar I go where I find Glenn... texting to his lesbian friend about his meeting me. He's still buzzed and is incredibly happy to see me (go figure, right?). I ask him for his help and he says sure. I'm thanking my lucky stars for this one. We put the flat spare on the car and took my tire to a gas station to fill it with air and some fix-a-flat. Then Glenn put it back on my car. All the while, of course, the conversation is about how great a date this is... how he can't believe that he's not getting laid tonight... basically alcohol and hormones chattering at me and I wasn't at the same level... had I been... I probably would have said fuck-it to the car and gone home with him. In this case, I'm glad my cooler head prevailed. I gave Glenn and kiss goodnight too and thanked him. I had hoped that after we had become more sober we might be able to get together again and laugh at that night and see where things could go. Instead, I got a couple of random text messages with nothing else. I even asked him when we could get together again... no answer.

So, the next day I took my car to Goodyear. All four tires needed to be replaced and a wheel balance and alignment. $500. So... I'm light financially... AGAIN.

In other news, the house STILL hasn't closed because the bank needed even MORE information. But now they're saying that this month it will close. Other than that, nothing else to report. More later.

Peace,
Jenna

The Crosswalk

Awesome!! We complain about the cross we bear but don't realize it is preparing us for the dip in the road that God can see and we cannot.


Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!