On My Coat-tails

Not long ago a spoke with a friend of mine who claimed she was "riding my coat-tails." This meant that she's following in the same footsteps I took, but not exactly. No-one ever thinks they're doing the exact same thing someone else did, right? "Well, their mistake was xyz but I won't make that mistake." Right?

The thing that people fail to realize in situations like this is that it has nothing to do with the actions, the steps, the "how"s if you will. It all has to do with the heart and the mind. It's completely internal. This is just how it happens to work. It's never the same experience for anyone, either ... but often ends up with the same results.

I listened as she described the situation and realized that she was, indeed, riding my coat-tails. She, of course, told me how it would be different for her because of certain situations... but I believed that the end result would play out quite similar... maybe worse in her situation, I dunno.

Now, there are a few people that want me to "talk some sense" into her. Since I already know what can come from heading down the direction she's headed in and where it can lead, etc. I should s'plain it to her ... as if I have magical faerie dust that I can sprinkle on her to give her complete comprehension of things it's taken me almost 4 years to sort out.

Well, I can't do that. I won't do it either because it would be an exercise in futility and frustration. It would also go against the natural order of how we learn. It's taken me almost 4 years to get my original "self" back and it's required a lot of sacrifice and mental and emotional trauma. I'm still not 100% yet. I only know this because I'm still blogging about it. If I were "okay" you wouldn't be reading any of this shit. And you know that's true.

So... what can I do for my friend? I can do what no-one else seemed to do for me. I can be there for her when she falls. I can help dust her off and remind her that life isn't set, it isn't fated, it isn't predetermined, it isn't to serve a higher being, it isn't anything like that. It's not certainty... it's doubt. With doubt comes thought and then problem solving and then solutions in action. She's been there once before... she just forgot.

All I can do is hope that one day we're off of each other coat-tails and walking side-by-side down the same path together. That would be nice. Really, really nice.

That's What You Get

That's What You Get

by Paramore

No sir, well I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore.
It's your turn, to take a seat we're settling the final score.
And why do we like to hurt, so much?

I can't decide
You have made it harder just to go on
And why?
All the possibilities...
Well I was wrong

That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa!
That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa...
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa.

I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here.
'Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here.
I still try... holding onto silly things, I never learn.
Oh why? All the possibilities. I'm sure you've heard.

That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa!
That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa..
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa.

Pain, make your way to me. (to me)
And I'll always be just so inviting.
If I ever start to think straight,
This heart will start a riot in me,
Let's start... Start, hey!

Why do we like to hurt so much?
Oh why do we like to hurt so much?

That's what you get when you let your heart win!
Whoa.

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

I can't trust myself with anything but this,
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

Battling Depression Again

When I get depressed, it's usually because I feel like I have no way out. For me, it's like being cornered. Some people fight, while others freeze up when they get boxed. For me, it depends on the situation.

For example, regarding my financial situation, I don't feel cornered, at all. I know that time will cure this ailment. I know what to do, how to do it. If I'm working on a project that is harder than I expected, I don't feel cornered (frustrated yes... but that's different). Eventually, I know I will find the answer.

When it comes to an inability to communicate effectively or interact socially, I get boxed in. There are those that I can communicate with very well... and those I simply can't. I don't understand this. Why is it that I am able to understand and make myself understood with some while others can't seem to grasp it... even when we're using the same language and even when we're under the same roof?

I've always said that the key to communicating with someone is learning how they communicate first, then you can communicate with them on their terms. That's usually better than trying to communicate with someone using your own dialog.

Apparently, to some, this looks like I'm copying them. Well, in a way, I am... but only in order to communicate effectively. I have no interest in being anyone but myself. And, here's a news flash, I'm not 100% sure what that is yet. Maybe everyone else has a road map to life... but I don't.

The Weekend

It was an interesting weekend. Friday night, Sadao and I went to see "Le Nozze Di Figaro" at the Palm Beach Opera. It was a fantastic performance! Dreyfoos Hall is absolutely beautiful. It was Sadao's first opera and I'm glad I was able to share it with him.

Saturday I went to the gym and worked out with the trainer, Joe. *sigh* ... He looks like a young Sylvester Stallone. After that I went home and watched Religulous. Truly a great piece of work by Bill Maher. Recommended viewing in my opinion. Later I went to a vinyl record store in the area and found a few hard-to-find 12"'s and a couple of albums I had on cassette when I was younger.

Sunday I had most of the day (and the house) to myself. I did some house-work and watched about 14 hours of 24 season 5. Yeah... it sounds crazy when I write it out like that... but at the same time, it's not like I wasn't active as well. I did get a lot of other stuff done, too (including laundry which was a good thing).

I've had a lot of time to think about life in general. Some of my friends are putting themselves and others through very trying times... like I have done in the past. I see it happening and I know what will come of it. I try to tell them what can come from their actions... and they do not listen. But then... what did I expect?

Success comes from making good choices. Making good choices comes from wisdom. Wisdom comes from experience. Experience comes from making bad choices.

So I think my experience is starting to finally produce some wisdom. Of course, I'm not saying that I'm this wise old woman, now. I've had to repeat some lessons. At least I'm recognizing that though.

At any rate, I have no clue what the future holds right now... but if I can start shaping it again, I'm gonna.

Happily Ever After

So we all know fairy tales. We've all seen movies with happy endings. The "happily ever after" concept. Some of the movies we see are based on real events. In fact, all mythology and fiction has it's basis in fact at some point.

But, it makes me curious... this "happily ever after" concept. The idea is that once it's achieved, there's nothing more to achieve. You're done! Happiness reigns supreme from here on out. When, exactly, does that happen?

Look, it's simple. Our reasons for blogging, speaking, eating, singing, breathing, drinking, performing, instant messaging, writing to one another, calling one another, hugging, kissing, nuzzling, whatever... these are all within the bounds of the pursuit of happiness. Would anyone actually WANT to do any of these things if they were happy? Happiness is wanting what you have, not having what you want. Well, if that's the case, why do we continue to pursue it?

Hello... I think the answer is obvious. Not one of us on this Earth is truly happy. We have moments of elation and we know that if we could just sustain that moment, everything would be grand. But then, what if we got bored with it. Well, I don't know how anyone could get bored with true elation, though. :)

Therein lies the interesting twist. We're not happy, and so we pursue it. We chase after those moments of elation because we've labeled that emotion, that feeling, as happiness. But it's not true happiness. The twist? We get bored with the fake happiness and therefore continue our pursuit... until the pursuit itself becomes the source of our happiness. Well, that's a theory at least. I think at some point, the pursuit gets tiring and it becomes more of a way to keep from being bored, in pain, etc. What do you do with true happiness once you find it? Once you've achieved the goal, what else is there, eh? It's sorta like... what does the Coyote do once he catches the Roadrunner? Will it honestly satisfy him or is it just another chapter in the life?

So, we're human beings. We're going to live for a while, that's all there is to it. So how do we deal with this metaphysical desire effectively until true happiness comes along? By making the pursuit itself the source of our happiness. "At least I always have something to do." "I'm not happy unless I have something to bitch about."

This is all coming from my reflection on recent events. My brother passed away last week. He had stage 4 esophageal cancer. He was only 55 years old. I saw him in December and he was pretty tired and in a lot of pain. I knew his days were very short and that would be the last time I saw him alive. I tried to impress this upon my family and that they should spend as much time as possible with him. I don't know if I said the right words or not. I hope so.

Anyway, ever since then people have been offering me their condolences. I've been getting the "you should go and be with the family" types of responses. The "if there's anything I can do" offers are coming in too.

I want to set the record straight here. My brother has finally found true happiness. How can I be sad about that? How can I possibly show even the slightest remorse? I cried when my father died. That was a human reaction to the shock of losing the man I was patterned after. I will be honest here and say that I have not cried for my brother once. This is not because I don't miss him. Maybe I'm a little jealous. He has no more earthly cares. I am, understandably, worried about my sister-in-law and their youngest. But for my brother, I feel no loss. Everything I loved (and some things I didn't love) about my brother are part of me as a result of my association with him. He still lives in me and in the lives of everyone else he touched.

I will not meet death with fear or regret. My life has been, and will continue to be, unique to others and humdrum to me. Perhaps what we call the pursuit of happiness is actually the avoidance of it. If we continue to better ourselves, strengthen ourselves physically, extend our lifespans, etc., aren't we simply creating more distance between us and the final curtain where all our worries disappear?

Yeah... I know this piece sounds like I'm advocating suicide as the answer to true happiness. No, that's not it either. Because until we learn to TRULY accept, suicide is just another step in the path of avoidance. You see, even me writing this blog entry is part of my avoidance of true happiness. If I were ready to accept it myself, I wouldn't feel the need to tell anyone about it . :-P

So, to that end, I would say this one last bit about this subject. The pursuit will take you many places. It may throw you in the arms of many different people at different times in your life. None of this is by chance, you willed it that way. It's your journey. It's your pursuit. If you're going to keep up the pursuit, at least enjoy it while you're at it. :) Eventually we ALL will find True Happiness, it's unavoidable. Until then, don't worry about whether you're happy or not. Because you're not... not yet anyway. :)

Peace,
Jenna

Warning... New Year Approaching... Please Increase Speed!

Note: I started this on Wednesday... ... well, actually on Tuesday and changed some words on Wednesday and am finally finishing it now. Whatever, just read.

So 2008 is almost gone and 2009 is almost here. Considering the fallibility of humans and their inerrant ability to re-write history, disprove history, etc., it's quite possible that 2009 has, actually, already been here and passed... or maybe we're not even close yet, who knows.

At any rate, the greater portion of the population believes that an event worth being cheerful and merry for is quickly approaching and moreso that it signifies the dawn of a new series of events and the close of another series of events. Whatever. I get Thursday off, so I'm happy.

I always end up doing a lot of soul-searching during this time. Funny thing is, everyone I mention that to says the same thing. They also say, "Everyone does that." I know they don't know exactly what everyone does and that it's basically the same thing I experience... that I'm in tune with just about everyone out there. Pointing out the differences and similarities, arguing over the methodologies of obtaining truths or decrying someone else's experience of an emotional state since it wasn't exactly the same methodology we used to experience are common-place.

So what does it all mean, anyway? Who cares? We all do, at some level. We all care what it means even though we sometimes act like we shouldn't care. We each handle our idea of the truth of existence in our own way, seek to find those that think the same way we do so we can side up against those that think differently. Black and white. Up and Down. On and Off. Life and Death.

It's hard for me to say it's one thing or another. Is my family right? Are my friends right? Who cares? Well, I do because I make friends and family with various walks of life and none of them ever agree with one another other than do disagree with one another. It makes me wonder how we're ever supposed to achieve this grand unifying thing in the first place. Maybe the only thing we are truly unified in is division.

It's prevalent in the books we write, movies we make, the music we play and the lives we live. "You never stand up for yourself! You never say anything which makes me think that you have nothing to say and I don't know if I want to be around someone like that." Followed shortly by "Sheese! Why do you always have to go on and on about this or that, why can't we just be?" There are those we seem destined to always be at odds with and it is usually those that we are attracted to the most.

My life is not an easy one... but then not many peoples' are. It seems that when I had the affluence to do just about anything I was hanging around those that were completely ungrateful for it. Now that I am around grateful people, I don't have the means to rub two pennies together half the time. Where's the balance?

I remember a time in my personal life where the satisfaction of what I had was adequately balanced with the determination to achieve more. I was never too satisfied and was never so motivated that I couldn't relax. This is my personal goal for 2009 and beyond. To recapture the balance of a happy life with those around me. To know when to hold on, when to compromise and when to let go. None of these options seem to make those around me happy, though. And for someone who has only ever wanted to please others, that makes life a challenge, to say the least.

Yes, there are some things in life that I enjoy just for myself. I like playing RockBand. I like to write about life from a philosophical viewpoint. I like to watch musicals, travel to new places, do things I've never done before. I like to sing and write music. I like to change my look to whatever suits my fancy at the time.

I don't have the answers. I'm not someone who can write a column that will inspire someone to get off drugs, quit smoking, lead a decent life, lead an indecent life, whatever. I can only manage to keep myself sane enough to stumble through this strange existence until it's inevitable conclusion. But one thing I do know. I am not alone. I have never been alone. I will never be alone. We are all in this together, and that one shining fact can not be disputed.

May your existence, such as it is, bring you peace, love, health and happiness for you and yours in 2009 and beyond.

Peace,
Jenna

Suicidal Tendencies - Institutionalized

Sometimes I try to do things but it just doesn't work out the way I want it to, and I get real frustrated and then like I try hard to do it, and I like, take my time but it just doesn't work out the way I want it to. Its like, I concentrate on it real hard, but it just doesn't work out. And everything I do and everything I try, it never turns out. Its like, I need time to figure these things out, but there's always someone there going “hey mike, you know we've been noticing you've been having a lot of problems lately, you know? You need to maybe get away. And like, maybe you should talk about it, you'll feel a lot better.” And I'm all like “oh, nah, its ok, you know. I'll figure it out. Just leave me alone, I'll figure it out, you know? I'm just working on it by myself.” And they go “well, you know, if you wanna talk about it, I'll be here, you know? And you'll probably feel a lot better if you talk about it. So why don't you talk about it?” I go “no, I don't want to! I'm ok. I'll figure it out myself!” But they just keep bugging me, they just keep bugging me, and it builds up inside.

So you're gonna be institutionalized. You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes.
You won't have anything to say. They'll brainwash you until you see their way.

I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one that's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution, said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help to protect me from the enemy, myself.

I was in my room and I was just like staring at the wall thinking about everything, but then again I was thinking about nothing. And then my mom came in, and I didn't even know she was there. She called my name and I didn't hear her and then she started screaming “Mike, Mike!” And I go “what? Whats the matter?” She goes “whats the matter with you?” I go “there's nothing wrong, mom.” Shes all “don't tell me that! You're on drugs!” I go “no mom I'm not on drugs. I'm ok, I'm just thinking, you know? Why don't you get me a Pepsi?” She goes “No! You're on drugs!” I go “mom, I'm ok. I'm just thinking.” She goes “No! You're not thinking, you're on drugs! Normal people don't be acting that way!” I go “mom, just get me a Pepsi! Please, all I want is a Pepsi!” And she wouldn't give it to me! All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me! Just a Pepsi!

They give you a white shirt with long sleeves! Tied around your back, you're treated like thieves!
Drug you up because they're lazy! It's too much work to help a crazy!

I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution, said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help, to protect me from the enemy, myself.

I'm sitting in my room, when my mom and my dad came in. they pulled up a chair and they sat down. They go “mike, we need to talk to you.” And I go “ok, whats the matter?” They go “me and your mom, we've noticed that lately you've been having a lot of problems, and you've been going off for no reason, and we're afraid you're going to hurt somebody, and we're afraid you're going to hurt yourself. So we decided that it would be in you're best interest if we put you somewhere where you could get the help that you need.” And I go “wait, what are you talking about, WE decided? MY best interests? How do you know what MY best interest is? How can you say what MY best interest is? What are you trying to say? I'M crazy? When I went to YOUR schools, I went to YOUR churches, I went to YOUR institutional learning facilities. So how can you say I'M crazy?”

They say they're gonna fix my brain. Alleviate my suffering and my pain.
But by the time they fix my head. Mentally I'll be dead.

I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution, said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help, to protect me from the enemy, myself.

Doesn't matter, I'll probably get hit by a car anyways.