Sunday, October 30, 2005

Timing is Everything

I think my problem has been and always will be bad timing. It seems like I'm always a day late and/or a dollar short. I can't make it to work on time. I make plans and then can't keep them because I try to make everyone but myself happy and end up making everyone miserable in the end. Even the major decisions in my life seem to have met with ill-fated timing. Tonite is no exception. I'm sitting at home miserable when I could be with good friends and family, at a party, enjoying life. Why am I not there? Because I allowed other things in my life to control me. Now that I'm willing to take that control back... it's too late. This is very typical of me. My pre-cognitive abilities tell me how this is going to end, too. People are going to get tired of it and I'll be alone again. Wow... I'm really miserable tonite.

There is so much going on in my head I feel like it's going to burst. There's so much I want to say but I fear the consequences of saying anything. I know what I want out of life. I know what I need out of life. None of it is in my grasp though. I've fucked up so many things, it seems, that now I don't know which end is up. I find myself entertaining thoughts I haven't thought in years. I find myself entertaining the idea that I would be better off without this world and vice versa. This has scared the ever-living fuck out of me since I haven't had thoughts like that in ... 11 years.

I try to give my best, but it's not enough. Never is. I don't feel like I make a difference. Life keeps marching forward and yet everyone around me is still feeling like they're standing still. GOD I am SO scared, alone and depressed right now and at the moment... I see no end in sight.

It's also a lack of inspiration. Hmmmm... hold up a moment. Inspiration. Argh... but those people and things in my life that inspire me are the very people and things in my life that are making me crazy, too. I don't know what to say anymore and to be honest it doesn't matter anyway. I don't think anyone's reading out there ... based on the lack of interaction in my journal. So why bother with this bullshit anymore anyway?

Yay... looks like I get to be jaded again. Guess I should put the dustcover on the keyboard. Later.

No comments: