50 First Dates

Life sometimes throws you curve balls that are almost impossible to deal with. My parents are in town. I love them dearly, but most times I think they just don't really understand me at all. Of course, no one is truly going to understand me better than me. That's just the way it is. Not unless I tell it.

I am so in love and it breaks my heart because who I'm in love with doesn't return it... at least... not the way I would prefer it. I have to sit and watch her walk away because I want her to be happy. It is bizarre because I know Rob feels the same way about me and I just can't return it. I don't love him that way, and I don't think I ever did... not really.

I think if it was truly right between us, I never would have strayed from him. There would never have been a need. We would have clicked from the very beginning and stayed that way through thick and thin. We would have been able to forgive each other for the things we've done but all we do is hurt each other and keep the cycle going. It's not healthy. My mental health is in serious question here... of course, one could say it's been in question for some time given some of the bone-head things I've done.

I think back to some of the the times she and I have shared. I can't think of anyone else in my life that I would want to spend the rest of it with. Everyone else pales in comparrison to her and it scares the shit out of me. I guess I can't be the man she needs me to be. But I would spend any amount of money, any amount of time, give up my immortal soul to make things right between us ... she means that much to me. I don't understand it... and I never will.

I give her her space because it seems that's what she wants. Now she's moving even farther away and the numbers of times I see her will be fewer and farther between. Maybe I am obsessing. Maybe it's all in my head. But what else is there, really? Honestly when it comes down to it... it's how you feel about that person in your head and in your heart, is it not?

The metaphors I see in everyday life bother me. They gnaw at me. She's dating someone that covers his body in tatoos that depict evil. He calls himself lucifer. It's all for shock value, she says. I say he's fooling her. I say she's just as duped as I was with Rob. I think she believes that I'll never break ties with him. That I'm shackled to him and won't break free. But that's not the case at all.

There's not one single day that goes by that I don't think about her. I wonder what she's doing, if she's having a good day or a bad day, how the kids are doing, what she's feeling, if she thinks about me at all and what goes on in her mind. I believe that anything can happen. I believe that miracles can happen. One must have faith and believe in themselves and it will happen.

I watched 50 first dates today with Mom and Dad and I cried again. I cried because of all the times he tried to show her how much he loved her and she just couldn't get it. But he wouldn't give up. I won't either. I know I won't... and I know that my life will always suck because of it.

Maybe I should make a tape for her. Maybe I should show her who I was before. I just don't know what it will take... but I'm gonna keep trying. We have time ... not much ... but it's there. I can't write about this anymore right now... my heart hurts too much.