Sunday, August 27, 2006

The Disease

I've begun to arrive at a deeper understanding about Life. I've begun to achieve some clarity of thought about who I am, what I am, where my existence is going, where it's been, etc. I've been locked in a world of mythology that I never really believe in. The anthropomorphized idea of a Father God figure, stories told that describe ideas of beings in physical forms so that we may try to understand and comprehend. Yet we don't seem to be able to make sense of it, half the time... what does it all mean and all that shit.

I've begun to realize that what my ancestors called God and Satan are, in my opinion, Life and Life's enemy Death. I've come to understand more about how this whole world of ours plays out. That Life is omnipresent, omniscient, omnipotent and that Death is final and is the end of Life. I've also come to believe in the potential to transubstantiate past the physical form of Life into a metaphysical form of Life even though our physical form dies. I've come to understand that the agents of Death are disease and they are everywhere... there are new ones popping up all the time to kill the faithful, to weaken them and knock them down and beat them into submission. The most devastating of them all and the one that has had it's grips on me is a disease of the mind. It fights to take control of that which will transubstantiate past the boundaries of this physical world... it does so to make me lose hope and be less concerned about the physical form. This makes it easier for disease to kill my physical form before I'm ready to transubstantiate. It is the nature of Death.

I've come to the understanding and ability to conceptualize these things in such a manner that allows me to see Life and Death as powers at work in this existance without the need to personify and anthropomophize them. This is what has brought me to where I am right now which I know is a stronger person.

There are agents of Life just as there are agents of Death. These agents are part of nature. Water, H2O, is one. It provides Life to all living things. Without it, our bodies would die. I believe that we are also always looking for ways to fight the demons (diseases) that affect us whether they be of the mind or of the body. Some of these have been considered too powerful for mortal man to wield by those that would seek power over others. Those that would choose to "play God" and control us have deemed them illegal or "controlled" in order to regulate the process of growth. Is too much of a good thing bad? It's hard for me to conceptualize that. It may be tiring, it may be "hard" on the physical body... but I believe that is what makes the physical body stronger too. When one works out to improve their muscles, they must rip and tear at the muscles in order to encourage them to be bigger and stronger, thus being able to handle more stress put upon them. Perhaps my mind is being torn asunder to encourage it to get bigger and stronger and not be so weak in the face of the adversity that is attacking it. This is, in fact, exactly what I believe.

There are those that would think I'm nuts here. Well, that's alright I guess... I'll be nuts if that's what it takes to achieve true happiness for myself and not judge those that choose another path.

I've been struggling with my life's choices for a long time now. I've struggled with the concept of changing genders for a long time and have even contemplated trying to "go back" to what I was before. But that would be a step back from my spiritual growth. I keep forgetting that I have choices. That not only do I have choices with what I do with my physical form, but also how my mind perceives those choices. I keep allowing my love for others, my willingness to accept and love them all to backfire into feelings of doubt about myself. THIS is the disease I am trying to identify here.

Okay... so... I show my acceptance and love for someone else and they show me a judgment they have about me and what I've done. The disease then attacks and tells my mind that I was wrong for doing what I believed was right because something else told me something different. I must continue to fight this and find a way to lash back at that disease that affects me and remind myself that I am who I am because I choose that, because it is right for me. That no-one else's determination of who and what I am, what I've done and how I've lived my life has any bearing over it. I have one being to be responsible to.. that's myself. My Life is precious and it's the only one I have. I can't get another one.

Strength of mind is where I must focus... in addition to strength of body. I've been neglecting the body and it shows. It's time for me to pick up from where I left off and rebuild that which I've let the disease steal from me. The disease still has my mind in it's clutches but I can see that it's still alive and well, waiting for me to fight for it and take it back. I will continue to fight and win... no matter what the cost... for it is MY Life ... and no one else can fight that disease but me.

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