Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Dazed and Confused

So I got an e-mail today from someone who found an old ad of mine on a transgender dating site. I thought I had pulled them all but apparently not. Check this out.
Good Evening Dear Am **** By Name,
A Sexy Looking Girl Single Never Married,Today I Came Accross Your Profile In This Site And I Have Intrest In You Thats Why Am Contacting For Us To Have A Friendship. In A
Short Form Please If You Feel Like We Will Be Friends Fine And Please Mail Me Back So That I Will Forward You My Photos And Introduce My Self To You More,So From There We Will Get To know Each Orther.Mail me With This Email Address (address deleted)
Thanks For i will be waiting to hear from you as soon as Possible.
Big Kisess And Huggs.&**** !

I have some thing good that i will like to share with you, as you Respond to my Mail.
In a short form? Sounds like an application doesn't it? Relationships don't happen this way, dammit. There's no indication of WHAT she might be interested in about me. There's nothing saying much about her other than she's a "sexy looking girl, single and never married." That can describe a LOT of people. Is it really that hard for someone to be real?

*sigh* At any rate, there are other things going on. Like needing to find a new place to live... again. Long story that I won't go into because it hurts the head. But, I can tell you this... I understand what it is that's been bugging me about roommates, lovers, whatevers in general lately.

I know what I'm looking for now. The best description is that of's success. In order for them to succeed, they had to each trust each other and all be on the same page. They took ALL the money they had between them and put it on black on a roulette table in Atlantic City. They took a risk and it paid off... but they took it together. No one held anything back. It was "Vegas or Bust," baby. That's what I'm looking for. Someone (or someones) that won't hold back. Trust, faith, love, hope... all of it.

With my current roommates, sometimes I feel that vibe... sometimes I don't. Given my situation, that makes me about as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Add on to that that time is of the essence. I think what might be a better plan altogether is to find a place I can handle on my own. Then, if they choose to stay with me and help me out, that's great. But if not, I've no need to sweat it. I get overemotional easily (just read a little of my blog and that's plain to see). It's a hard habit to break, unfortunately.

But having realized that the problem isn't an inequity of finances or work or resources or anything like that... but rather an inequity of trust, I understand my nervous feelings now and why I've been stressing out over it. I've been dealing with that for a while: trying to figure out exactly what it is that has gone wrong in relationships and friendships in the past . It's a trust inequity. I've been through the wringer too many times now to put my WHOLE ass on the line with someone not willing to put THEIR whole ass on the line too. So, there it is.

Actions speak louder than words, don't they? So, I guess I need to act for myself and see who follows. Then I'll really know "the truth."


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