Monday, March 19, 2007

Best Intentions

So this weekend was bothersome somewhat. Friday night, Liz and I spun some records together and talked about music and life and family and stuff like that. About half-way through the night she asked me why I was doing all that I'm doing. It had to do with the fact that I kept bringing up what other people think of the relationship that we have... which to her meant that I was talking to other people about it to get their opinion. That led her to believe that I wasn't really happy and that maybe I had second thoughts. This was all reinforced by Steven telling her that he thinks I should be on my own and living my own life and that I'm putting her on a pedestal. So, here we are 8 months into living together and we're still trying to figure out what's what? Oy!

I talked with her and I talked with Steven later. But it's just irritating. I know Steven had the best intentions but it did nothing but reinforce a false idea. The only good that has been done here is that it has made me realize who I can talk to about things in my life and who I can't. It also reminds me of what I keep inside and what I don't. It has taught me that not everyone will see the world the same way I do and that their interpretation of events and what I say will often be completely bass-ackwards of what's in my head and my heart.

It's sad, really. I want to shout from the mountaintops that I finally have found happiness. I want the world to know. But when people question my happiness and then begin to try to change things in order to bring me more into their own idea of happiness, it becomes irritating to say the least. Therefore, I can't really tell anyone. On top of that, I apparently have to be careful either about what I say or how I say it to those I care about to make sure that my meaning is delivered correctly. Is this because I'm not an effective communicator or because they aren't really listening? I dunno... either way, it seems that how I act and react will be a better litmus test of me than anything else. So, I try to keep my eyes on ball and be ever watchful for those who may try to tear down what we have.

The bottom line is that apparently my friends believe I'm cheating myself from a life. They're concerned that I'm not dating, I'm not being active socially, etc. And they're afraid that this is a problem and that they are compounding it. It's truly amazing to me that they would think that considering all the social interaction I have with them all the time. Dating means getting to know someone new... learning what they like/dislike... will it require me to act a certain way, look a certain way, etc. etc. This is all bullshit. On the one hand, I understood their concerns. But on the other hand, it felt like my adopted family was saying they wanted me to go through all that bullshit again. Why? Maybe for me... maybe for them... maybe a combination of both. I dunno. But there's definitely a communication gap still. One thing I do know... language is not the way to communicate it. Actions is all that matters. My actions will speak louder than anything else and it's my mouth that gets me into trouble.

Other than that little episode, the weekend was lazy as all hell. I finished up most of the bathroom re-paint. There are some other things that need to be done before it's all finished up but it's almost there. I got Liz and Taylor addicted to "The Sims 2" and so this weekend that's all we did was play games. It was very relaxing and fun. Hopefully the mix of fun and responsibility can keep going the way it's supposed to. Then maybe we can finally leave all this bullshit behind. It'd sure be nice.

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