Thursday, March 22, 2007

What Have I Been Doing?

Twink sent me an IM today saying that she called the Bird Store about Bella. Bella had been screaming her head off for 30 to 40 minutes and Liz just couldn't take it anymore. I don't blame her. I've been looking for a home for Bella... but my efforts either haven't been fruitful or haven't been enough. It feels more like the latter, tho.

After I finished talking to her about it and thanking her for doing something that clearly wasn't her responsibility, I began to reflect on some of the choices I've made recently and why. I felt like a total shit that I committed myself to something and didn't follow through, once again. It scares me that this may be my M.O. and if so, I need to change it ASAP.

I've been very impulsive in my life. I don't know if that's something that's genetic or learned or what ... but how it got in my life doesn't really matter... just that it exists. I know in my head that when these choices are presented, I think quickly about the opportunity and the benefits they can bring and my impulsive nature tells me to act quickly before the opportunity is no longer available. I don't listen to "the better part of valor" sometimes and it bothers me.

No hunter/gatherer likes the experience of seeing a nurturer/provider in pain, aggravated or dealing with things they shouldn't have to deal with. I want to jump up right now, leave work, grab Bella, drive to the rescue and just drop her off like a baby in a basket on the doorstep. But my head tells me that leaving work right now to go deal with this would be a bad move too. Caught between a rock and a hard place.

So, as I began to ponder the possibility that Twink was pissed at me for not following through on my responsibilities... I began to question that response. Was it really that she's pissed at *me* or is she looking for some form of recognition and understanding saying, "This is fucked up! What can we do about it?! Can you please help?" There's a difference between her irritation at the bird and her disappointment with me in not helping out with this situation... one that I directly created.

This is the distinction that I've made and I need to deal with both. So I asked myself the question... do I really love her? Do I really love the family I'm in? The answer came back with a resounding yes, I do. The next thought that came to mind was, "Then stop making it about you and what you want, need, etc." It's a nauseating realization when one comes to the understanding that what they've been doing, although shrouded in the veil of "it's for us," is actually used to make one feel better about themselves. In my heart, that's not what it's about... but I'm not doing a very good job of showing that. I *am* learning, though.

Maybe I should ask for an hour or two to deal with this. I should let her know that I understand what she's upset about... on both counts. That I recognize it, at the very least. This is something I need to do... I feel it in all the "chakras" I have.

I am committing myself now, at this very moment, to deal with my responsibilities... to live up to my promises and to better myself for the benefit of everyone involved. It's the right thing to do. I just hope it's not too late.

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