Prayer for the Day

Darkness
by Disturbed

Don't turn away
I pray you've heard
The words I've spoken
Dare to believe
For one last time
And then I'll let the

Darkness cover me
Deny everything
Slowly walk away
To breathe again
On my own

Carry me away
I need your strength
To get me through this
Dare to believe
For one last time
And then I'll let the

Darkness cover me
Deny everything
Slowly walk away
To breathe again
On my own

Summertime Fun

So it's the summer and we might as well have some fun, right?

Yes, I know in my last post I was ranting like a bitch on wheels but hey... it happens to all of us. Made me think that maybe the reason none of us want to be labeled is so that whatever group happens to be the antithesis of that label doesn't have a reason to try to change us. Think about that for a while.

No matter what label you might give yourself, someone out there will extol the wonders of being exactly the opposite of what your chosen label defines. Or they will tell you of all the evils of your chosen label and start trying to affect change in your life (whether it's a conscious attempt or not).

So anyway... back to the whole summertime fun thing.

This past weekend, Sadao and Travis went to Central Florida while I stayed in Port St. Lucie. So, Nyssa and I went to see Mamma Mia! this weekend. It was a LOT of fun and I recommend it to anyone who likes Musicals. However, I have to admit that I still have not been able to flush my system of ABBA songs since then.

The next day, Nyssa, Jose, their children, Gemini and myself all went to Jensen Beach for a few hours. It was a lot of fun.

Other than that, nothing major to report. Just trying to have fun and enjoy life despite all the bullshit that happens in it.

Peace, y'all.

Me and Nyssa at the Beach

Tired

That's it. Fed Up. Tired. Done. Tired of feeling this way. Not going to feel like it anymore.

If you have an issue with me, what I do, what I say, how I act, how I react, what I've done, what I wear, how I eat, people I love, things I love, things I hate, where I live, what I like or ANYTHING ELSE ... I have two words for you ...

FUCK OFF!!!

I'm tired of trying to please you. I'm tired of trying to understand you. I'm tired of trying to communicate with you. I'm tired of being the one that never understands, never gets it and NEVER fucking wins.

I don't want to win... but I don't want to lose either. So I choose NOT to play. I'm going my own direction and if someone else is coming along... that's their own business... not mine... and DEFINITELY not anyone else's either. So... unless you have something POSITIVE to lend to the situation, you can go pound sand, period.

Peace... I'm Out.

Aren't we all?

Sadao showed me this web page tonight that described ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) which he proudly claims to have. As I read it, I noticed that all the "symptoms" seem to be what I've always considered to be absolutely standard behavior in most of the people I've known in my life (including myself).

This did little more than to further embed in my brain that this is all nonsense. The more we label and identify, qualify and discern, the more we segregate ourselves and become separatists. The cohesion that used to hold people together just isn't there anymore and I can feel it everywhere. It bothers me a great deal.

Sure, sure... people say I shouldn't let things like that bother me. "... the patience to deal with the things I can not change, the strength to change the things I can, and the wisdom to tell the two apart" keeps running through my mind... but at the same time... I've seen too much to think that these thoughts are normal.

I guess maybe I am a little crazy after all (perhaps more than I'm admitting to myself, too). After almost 40 years of walking, talking, consuming, excreting, building and destroying on this planet, I'm coming quickly to the conclusion that none of this crap we call "life" makes ANY sense at all.

I used to believe in religion until the very tenets of the religion I put my trust in were shaken by corruption. I used to put my faith in so many different ideas, ideals, beliefs, etc. and now I just don't know what to believe in other than myself. This is great for clearing up the confusion... but it's mother-fuckin' lonely.

I should be asleep right now. Tomorrow is a "big day" so to speak. My job has given my a decent-sized project that is going to require a lot of my attention and time. But I can't stop thinking about some of the stupid moves I have made in the past and (seemingly) continue to make... just in different settings with slightly different circumstances and very different co-stars.

I try to comfort myself with the concept that this feeling is not abnormal. This is something everyone feels. We all look back on our lives and think, "If only I knew then what I know now." What the hell is the point?

I would really like to believe that there is a point. Something that will sedate me into an ignorant bliss, again. But I feel that time is past. Now it's all a matter of getting to the bottom of it. In my mind, I see this as something that the rest of the sheep on this planet will not understand.

I was supposed to have a date today but I backed out of it. I know that I'm still not ready to get back into that scene. I'm not anywhere near where I used to be mentally or emotionally (or physically for that matter). Also, knowing what I now know, I know that I can not blame those things on age, time, getting older, and all that. That is a cop-out.

If we're supposed to get wiser as we get older, why do I feel as if I've made a pit-stop in the race? Maybe not a pit-stop, but at the very least my horse is a bit lame in one leg, I think.

I need to set goals for myself. I need to put things in some sort of perspective, even if I'm the only one that acknowledges it. And I think I need to keep my reasons to myself to avoid the ensuing confusion of other ideas and concepts that will proceed to color or alter my thinking. They shouldn't color or alter anything but they do... and we know they do. We are all animals looking for our packs, prides, tribes, clutches, murders, etc.

Perhaps looking for someone to share in my life, my reasons, my beliefs, etc. is the wrong approach after all. Maybe my soul-mate needs to be someone so completely different from me (which is difficult for someone as experienced as myself) that we share almost nothing in common other than a desire to be with each other throughout the whole experience. Perhaps I already have that, too. I don't know... it's just not following through the way I expected, that's for certain.

I don't think any of us has it all together. Those that "appear to" are deluding themselves with something. The cheapest way to do that is, arguably, through religion. But I just can't seem to swing with that idea any more.

Hmm.. technically... just by writing this blog entry I'm already falling into the same trap. The blogosphere has become my new "God" so to speak... someone to "spill my guts" to, ask for forgiveness and promise to be better if I'm just given another chance.

Is that it? I think it is. Victimization is an easy path. All too easy.

Heaven 2008

See you in Hollywood in a couple of weeks bitches!

It

No... I'm not talking about the Stephen King book... although it was a great book.... horrible movie (even Tim Curry couldn't save that piece of shit). No, I'm talking about "It" as in... whatever It is that gets you where you want to be. Whatever makes you happy and satisfied and social and part of something wonderful.

I know it's different for everyone... but I'm pretty sure the experience of it is exactly the same for everyone too. The part that worries me is when something kills It. I've felt that within myself and have seen that happen to others. Considering ALL that there is in this life to enjoy... why do we sometimes (or often) focus on the negative? Does it make us happy to do that?

It would seem that we're getting something out of focusing on the negative. Maybe a good cry... a cathartic experience to finally put to rest some issues we've had to deal with. Maybe we're trying to convert the negativity into something positive. Maybe we need to express our anger or our frustration. Depending upon how much has been bottled up, it might take a while for it to all be purged.

I had a long heart-to-heart with my best friend in the world last night. He said he "misses Jenna." I was instantly reminded of how I've said that to people in my past, too. Typically the answer I got was "well, that person is gone" or "I don't know where that person is or if they're coming back." I couldn't give that answer last night. I know that what I'm going through is temporary and will eventually be purged. It's just taking a long time to get it all out.

I hear It's call... it beckons me saying... "Laugh at your adversity. Prove to it that it has no power over you. Let the beauty and wonder of this life fill you with joy. Smile!"

I hear it in the music I play. I see it in the shows and movies I watch. I feel it in those closest to me. I see their attempts to cheer me up and I sometimes don't know what it takes to get me over the hump and truly accept the love that's out there. I want It to take certain forms that it just doesn't seem to want to take right now. Hence my frustration.

I'm learning to grow past it, tho. I'm learning (or rather re-learning) how to bring the beauty of life and all it's facets back into focus for my life. To accept my past as it was and to forge a new future for myself.

A few words of advice... be careful when choosing a goal. Make sure you've got more than one to keep you going. Because both the completion of a goal and the absolute failure of a goal are devastating to motivation.

Peace,
Jenna

Independence?

So tomorrow is July 4th, 2008 ... and it is the day patriotic Americans celebrate in remembrance of those who fought for the independence of the British colonies.

It has been flowered up to symbolize true freedom from tyranny and terrorism, etc. etc. even though the people of this nation wouldn't know what true independence was if it rose up and bit them on the ass with poisonous fangs that killed them instantly.

If I sound bitter, I don't mean to. I'm simply pointing out that we Americans are not truly free. We're closer than a lot of other countries, true... but we're not free. "Freedom has a price." This always seemed like a contradiction in terms to me. To me, it's similar to saying "Same Difference." It's that little phrase used to justify one's position without the repercussions of rebuttal.

Ridiculous.

Freedom does NOT have a price. Security has a price. Those who say that freedom has a price might as well be saying that if we don't pay the price, we get slavery. Oddly enough tho, the rising costs of "freedom" has made us slaves to money and unfulfilling careers and jobs. So, slavery wasn't really abolished... we just leveled the playing field a little more.

Examples: We do not have the freedom to get high responsibly. We do not have the freedom to die by our own free will. We do not have the freedom to "opt-out" of government rule. We do not have the freedom to barter using sexual favors.

If I were truly free... I could sleep where I want, with whoever I want, whenever I want, hunt and gather from anywhere I choose, etc. etc. Actually... I could do this now it just would not be sanctioned by the government ... and, in fact, it would probably piss them off to the point that they would send their hit men after me. Yes... the government is really nothing more than a VERY large , well funded criminal organization like the mob.

I hear the people of this land cry out about the injustices being carried out by this mob and yet no-one really does anything about it on a continental scale. There are too many people trying to work within the system to fix it... like a virus or something. Maybe if we infiltrate the enemy and learn it's ways we can change it!

The problem is that the government's immune system is impeccable. When something attacks it, it can create the anti-bodies needed by just writing legislation against it. Voila!

No... I won't be celebrating independence since I don't have it yet. Some day. Some day.

Peace,
Jenna

Caesar Salads

It's interesting (and irritating) how things rarely work out as planned. However, the results of such events often result in something that will entertain, at the very least.

Take, for example, the fact that I was supposed to go home for lunch... however my ride chose to go to Publix instead. This change of plans only occurred after I got in the car and we were on the way.

At any rate (with that off my chest) I decided a salad would be good food for my mood. After we got back to the office with our food... I thought about this salad. A Caesar Salad. WTF is it anyway?

It's as almost as if someone went...

"Uhm... I'm hungry. What do we have to eat?"
"Uh... let's see... got some of those little anchovies left that Derek brought over... a little lettuce from our sandwich making stuff... some bread... oh but it's stale... some mayo ..... uhm..... ..... spices..... "

*blank stare*

"Are you kidding me?! That's it?!"

Well, when you really think about it anyway. It's pretty disgusting. And we pay pretty well for these salads... and it's basically "Dumpster Diver's Salad."

Okay, okay... here's the ACTUAL recipe as re-posted from Wikipedia:

A typical Caesar salad comprises romaine lettuce and croutons dressed with Parmesan cheese, lemon juice, olive oil, egg, Worcestershire sauce, and black pepper originally prepared tableside. Caesar Cardini (Italian-born Mexican) is credited with creating the salad.

To me... this just proves the point... that if you polish that turd hard enough, long enough and shiny enough... you can get anyone to buy it. I've heard that nothing good is ever easy... but if it's that hard to get that turd to be "worth" something... and at it's heart... it's still just a turd... I prefer to let it be as it is.

Everyone and everything has a purpose on this planet. Manipulating it doesn't do a damn bit of good for any of us in the long run... we are all food for worms eventually, after all. So I guess it doesn't hurt none either.

And now, I'm going to get back to my Polish Turd Salad.

Peace