Monday, July 14, 2008

Aren't we all?

Sadao showed me this web page tonight that described ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) which he proudly claims to have. As I read it, I noticed that all the "symptoms" seem to be what I've always considered to be absolutely standard behavior in most of the people I've known in my life (including myself).

This did little more than to further embed in my brain that this is all nonsense. The more we label and identify, qualify and discern, the more we segregate ourselves and become separatists. The cohesion that used to hold people together just isn't there anymore and I can feel it everywhere. It bothers me a great deal.

Sure, sure... people say I shouldn't let things like that bother me. "... the patience to deal with the things I can not change, the strength to change the things I can, and the wisdom to tell the two apart" keeps running through my mind... but at the same time... I've seen too much to think that these thoughts are normal.

I guess maybe I am a little crazy after all (perhaps more than I'm admitting to myself, too). After almost 40 years of walking, talking, consuming, excreting, building and destroying on this planet, I'm coming quickly to the conclusion that none of this crap we call "life" makes ANY sense at all.

I used to believe in religion until the very tenets of the religion I put my trust in were shaken by corruption. I used to put my faith in so many different ideas, ideals, beliefs, etc. and now I just don't know what to believe in other than myself. This is great for clearing up the confusion... but it's mother-fuckin' lonely.

I should be asleep right now. Tomorrow is a "big day" so to speak. My job has given my a decent-sized project that is going to require a lot of my attention and time. But I can't stop thinking about some of the stupid moves I have made in the past and (seemingly) continue to make... just in different settings with slightly different circumstances and very different co-stars.

I try to comfort myself with the concept that this feeling is not abnormal. This is something everyone feels. We all look back on our lives and think, "If only I knew then what I know now." What the hell is the point?

I would really like to believe that there is a point. Something that will sedate me into an ignorant bliss, again. But I feel that time is past. Now it's all a matter of getting to the bottom of it. In my mind, I see this as something that the rest of the sheep on this planet will not understand.

I was supposed to have a date today but I backed out of it. I know that I'm still not ready to get back into that scene. I'm not anywhere near where I used to be mentally or emotionally (or physically for that matter). Also, knowing what I now know, I know that I can not blame those things on age, time, getting older, and all that. That is a cop-out.

If we're supposed to get wiser as we get older, why do I feel as if I've made a pit-stop in the race? Maybe not a pit-stop, but at the very least my horse is a bit lame in one leg, I think.

I need to set goals for myself. I need to put things in some sort of perspective, even if I'm the only one that acknowledges it. And I think I need to keep my reasons to myself to avoid the ensuing confusion of other ideas and concepts that will proceed to color or alter my thinking. They shouldn't color or alter anything but they do... and we know they do. We are all animals looking for our packs, prides, tribes, clutches, murders, etc.

Perhaps looking for someone to share in my life, my reasons, my beliefs, etc. is the wrong approach after all. Maybe my soul-mate needs to be someone so completely different from me (which is difficult for someone as experienced as myself) that we share almost nothing in common other than a desire to be with each other throughout the whole experience. Perhaps I already have that, too. I don't know... it's just not following through the way I expected, that's for certain.

I don't think any of us has it all together. Those that "appear to" are deluding themselves with something. The cheapest way to do that is, arguably, through religion. But I just can't seem to swing with that idea any more.

Hmm.. technically... just by writing this blog entry I'm already falling into the same trap. The blogosphere has become my new "God" so to speak... someone to "spill my guts" to, ask for forgiveness and promise to be better if I'm just given another chance.

Is that it? I think it is. Victimization is an easy path. All too easy.

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