Sunday, September 21, 2008

The Return of Joy

My father passed away exactly one week ago just after 7 p.m. EST. My brother Richard made the call to me in Florida and through his shaking voice, I felt the odd mixture of sorrow and joy all through my soul.

Since I came out to my parents as transsexual, my father has been my Champion. I've been a daddy's girl since even before I was a girl. The news of his passing was a pain through my heart in the knowledge that I would never again be able to hear his voice... however I felt the same relief that I know he felt when his suffering was finally over.

My father had a bad heart. About 6 years ago he went through a stress test which caused his heart to stop. Three hits from the paddles eventually brought him back to us for a few more years. When he died this year, it was from multiple heart attacks that eventually ended with his heart, literally, exploding in his chest.

I can't imagine the suffering he went through but I know it's because he was a fighter all his life. He fought for his life even up to the end. But he was also a lover, too, harboring the greatest love one can have on this Earth.

This past week has been difficult for me. It would take far too long to explain it all here, too. Over the past few years, several demons have made their home within my soul. The still small voice of God was still there, but I ignored it and listened to those demons that had encouraged my belief that I needed more than what God had to offer me.

Upon coming home, the battle for my father's soul had already been waged and completed. Apparently, my soul was next. I have felt the sorrow, the despair, the negativity, the anger and the hatred that can become attached to one's heart of hearts and had come to accept them as my only companions... even though the Love Eternal has always been there waiting for me to simply call upon It and through that power, bind them and force them out.

This morning, my mother led me in prayer and through her guidance, I found the strength to call on His name and release myself from the grip of the forces of darkness that had laid claim to my soul.

There's an old... I don't know if it's a poem of a story... called Footprints in the Sand. Today, I have looked back to see that there haven't been two sets of footprints in the sand for a very long time. But today, I can announce with unspeakable joy that I can see two sets again.

To my mother and my siblings, my nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles, cousins and relations of all sorts, and to those I call friend and to those I call enemy: I love you... but more importantly God loves you.


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