My Own Private Hell

Gonna keep this entry private for now. I'm having mixed feelings about having Twink here now. I love her to death, but it's just weird. I love her probably a little too much and having her... basically in my home every day I "come home from work" for the next couple of days is like a dream come true until I realize that it's just a dream. And dreams are transient. People eventually wake up from dreams. When will I wake up from mine? The obvious answer to that is, when I choose to stop doing what I'm doing to push myself deeper into the dream.

Last night, she seemed to shut down after the club. The party was over. Now there was nothing but going back to the hotel and assing out. It's weird how I feel her get close to me and then pull away at just the right moment to make me feel like shit... like I've gone too far. Like I've tried to get too familliar. Sometimes she really opens up, and other times she goes dark. It's the odd timing of each event that puts me into a tizzy.

When we got back from the club, I had promised Rob that I would call him. Twink was getting irritated about something and when I tried to help her she just "ordered" me to go back and talk to Rob. After that, I didn't feel like talking to him. I wanted to see what was up. So I told him I was tired and would call him later. Then I go back into the room and she's crawled into bed, put her MP3 player on (which I can still hear playing as I write this) and assed out. Maybe she was tired. Maybe she just didn't want to talk. Maybe she was irritated. Maybe she was being purposefully distant. But after that I didn't want to talk to anyone... couldn't sleep either... and didn't want to be there.

I don't dare ask the question as to what was up last night because I know the practiced answer I'll get. It's squarely an issue of my own to deal with. Co-dependency. Needing someone else. Someone in my life that "means something to me" more than anyone else. Why can't that person be me? Why do I feel the need for that intimacy? Maybe because I had it at one time and now that I feel like it's gone I want it back... but this time with someone that I really care about and who really cares about me.

Of course, they say that the moment you stop looking for it, it falls in your lap. And maybe that's my problem. Maybe I just need to get over both Rob and Twink... and Mouse and V and everyone else and just be me, whoever that is, and see who takes notice. Maybe Denver would be a good thing. How do I keep myself in the foreground? I've spent so much of my life in the service of others... I don't know how to be good to me. And it would seem that no-one else really knows how to do that... at least no one in my inner circle.

I think part of my issue here is all the plans Twink and I have made for the future. She wants her and I to take her kids to the Grand Canyon (or some place cool like that) some time. She's looking forward to working together at plurrecords and all the events. She's the one who possibly got us gigs in Denver whenever we want. So... my question is... if she's that interested in doing all these things with me... why isn't she that interested in taking things to the next level with me? Everyone around me seems to see how good we are togehter. What is she getting out of the relationship with Josh that she wouldn't do them with him. Maybe she needs to see what life would be like if I wasn't around. What would she do if I wasn't available to do these things with her... if I actually got a life. I can't wait around forever for anyone. I think that's what this is coming down to. Waiting. Waiting for someone to take notice of all the attention I've given them and to say, "You know, this is a good thing. We're good to each other. Let's take it further."

Wow, I think this is the most honest I've been with myself in a long time. It's a good thing. It's a bit empowering. I think I'll go to the office today and kick some ass and take some names. It's better than trying to figure out why no one is interested enough to show enough interest. Some people are showing some interest in me in other ways (namely FHMS). Maybe it's time I shook the sand of Florida off my shoes and washed them with some snow from the mountains.

I'm not saying I wouldn't be friends with everyone as I am now. But I need to put the barriers up again. The barriers I had built around myself that didn't allow people in very far. If no one else is willing to drop those barriers with me, why should I?

The Snake Pit

Well, last night was the shit. :) We left here at about 8:30 p.m. Denver time. I had to find a hoodie because the coat I brought, albeit warm, just didn't look right for a club. Twink says it's just not me, period... but like I said... it's warm and it serves a function. So I got a gray hoodie, got smokes and another lighter (because we only had one between the two of us), and headed downtown. After getting lost a couple of times, we finally made it to the club at around 10 p.m.

It was called "The Snake Pit." Neither of us had a really good feeling about it to start with. There wasn't anyone there yet, really, and the music was pretty housey. We were afraid we had made a mistake. But we decided to stick it out and see what would happen. I'm glad we did. As the night went on, more people started to show up, the alcohol started to flow more freely, and the music started getting a little better.

Then, shortly after we had decided that the next drink would be our last one... someone asked me if Twink needed to be on the dance floor because she looked like she could dance. Heh. We told him to play some breaks. So he got the DJ to switch to breaks!! We started chatting with DJ and got to know him (Dee Jay Diabolic) and talked to him about getting booked here. He said to send him a demo and 2 weeks advance notice and they'd put us on the flyer. He was completely down for getting some funky Florida sound in the house. :)

So, in typical Twink and Jenna fashion, we closed the place. :) Headed back to the hotel and assed out. Luckily I had found a 7-11 earlier and they had Wild Berry BooKoo. I bought 4 of them. I figure I'm gonna need them this week. :) Up and at 'em this morning, getting ready for work. If last night was the pre-show... the rest of the week is gonna be killer. :)

Whee!

Well, she got here about 9 hours ago. Her flight landed early so we were able to get in, get her bag and get out quick. That was good. Better than being late. Planning to go out probably every night while she's here and hopefully hit a park on Saturday.

I asked my boss here in Denver about relocation. I'm not saying I'm gonna do it... it all depends on how the dice fall. I would miss my home in Florida so much... but it might be a great opportunity too. Not career-wise but rather, financially. Depending on what I can stand living in here and how much they'd be willing to pay me to relocate, it might be worth it. I'm thinking about it, that's all.

It's a hard decision. One that requires a lot of thought once I have all the facts. No sense in getting all bent out of shape about it now. Given the news I got yesterday, though... I felt it was prudent to at least ask about it. Life would be very different. Who knows, maybe I could bring some old school funky Florida breaks to the mountains. :)

It means being away from the people I love for a very long time. I might be able to get back and forth on certain weekends though... who knows. I gotta think about it.

Anyway... gettin' ready to eat. Will fill ya in on our night's excursion later.

She's on her way

Just got a text message from Twink. She's in DC and on the second plane now, headed for Denver. Yay! I guess she barely made the flight out of Orlando and I know the connecting flight was shortly after the first one so she's had to hustle all morning. I'm sure she'll be glad to not have to deal with that for a while. I have about 45 minutes before I have to be at the office (which is 5 minutes walking distance). They're going to let me go pick her up which I think is awesome. It's the least they can do for me agreeing to stay here longer.

So far, this has been a good day. :) I hope I can get through some of the bullshit this morning and get some work done before I have to go pick her up. That would be nice. More later.

Anticipation

It's 5:20 a.m local time. Twink will be here in 5 hours and 22 minutes. :D I'm so excited she's coming! This will be our second out-of-state vacation together... yeah, it's not a complete vacation for me... but the last one wasn't really a complete vacation for her either... so it all pans out. :) I know that when I'm not at the office, we'll have fun. :) She's already been looking up things to do in Denver. I know that whatever we end up doing, we'll have fun. I hope she acclimates to this climate better than I have, though. I am SO ready for Florida humidity again! This climate is just killing me (when will the nose-bleeds stop?).

Rob called me a couple of times yesterday. He misses me. I miss him too, but I'm having problems reconciling everything that has happened. I know he cares about me and I know he's trying. But is it enough to get past everything we've been through? I don't know. It's hard to look at him and not think about the past. Worse yet, it's hard to look at him and think about the future. Something tells me that should be a big indicator right there, shouldn't it? He's made some strides, he really has. But if I can't get over it, am I fooling myself into thinking I'll ever be happy with the situation? What is it going to take to recover from all the shit we've done to each other? Something mindboggling, I think. A sacrifice of great import, I think. I feel like I have sacrificed quite a bit for him and for us. I believe he feels that the fact that he's going to school and work, sacrificing his time to make a better life for himself is in turn sacrificing his time for us since he plans to use his new knowledge to make life better for us. But, will that happen? Can I wait another 15 months (the time he has left in school) to find out?

He said yesterday that maybe being apart like this for a few days will be good for us; that it will help us "miss each other." To be honest, I haven't thought about him hardly at all. That makes me sad. Sad for me, sad for him and sad for us. So what do I want out of life? Pretty simple:

1. Share my life with someone and share in their life. Someone that I just can't wait to see every moment of every day. Someone who will share in my dreams and I can share in theirs. Common interests, common goals.
2. Raise children. Bringing them up into the world, teaching them to cope and be more than I am. To excel, prosper, and live in peace; to enjoy the trip on the planet. I want to know that something of myself can go on, and share the ideas I have of PLUR even farther than I can reach.
3. Follow my dreams. Ones that take me to the point where I can share my music with the world and hopefully touch some of it with my gifts.
4. To never let anything get in the way of these goals, even the goals themselves. To keep it all balanced so that no one thing in my life ever takes away from or overpowers anything else in my life. But my first priority will always be to my family, whomever that may end up being.

I don't know that I can have that with Rob. I've already seen him become jealous of the music and my friends. I've seen it happen at least twice, actually... I was reminded recently by an old friend that I hooked up with again about how it happened when I used to hang out with them. I turned my back on them to give Rob more of my time and my life. I feel now that that was a mistake. I feel that he should have known that he was the most important thing to me in my life and that he could've trusted me. But maybe he never has really trusted me.

I don't know. But I can't try to figure it out here, right now. I have to get ready for work. 4 hours and 54 minutes until Twink's here. :) More later.

Hell Yeah

I've been feeling a bit depressed. Yesterday was a total wash and today, even though I had a computer and a chair, was still kinda crazy. Had a big meeting today and worked out a plan... but there's a lot of process red tape that has to be handled first before I can do anything. It's irritating because I have so little time here. Or rather had. The original plan had me returning on Friday with a flight at 12:20 p.m. This would mean I would not even be able to show up to work on Friday. So what's the point? I now have two days to get shit done and it was looking like the trip was wasted.

So I was texting Twink about it and I suddenly got it in my head to suggest she come up here. She didn't say no. :) So I spent the time that I would have spent twiddling my thumbs figuring out how to accomplish this. We lucked out on a great price for a ticket and now she's going to be here tomorrow and stay through the weekend! As a result, I'll be here until mid to late next week now, but at least I might be able to get some good work done and also have some fun hanging out in Denver with my best friend in the whole damned world.

Shortly after we got all this sorted out... we were all called to a meeting... ALL of us... ALL of FHMS. FHMS has been bought by a monster company called Nova Information Systems or something like that. 209 BILLION dollar company. Why? They wanted the very technology that FHMS bought from GCS... the stuff *I* wrote.

This really put me in a weird place. I've already been through this acquisition shit before. I recognized the looks of terror, confusion and uncertainty on the faces of everyone here. But now it's different. Now the requests for people to move to Denver make more sense. I think they've known this for quite some time and have been worried that without the knowledge, skills and talents of the people that made it possible for them to get acquired, they're going to be "standing in the middle of the road with their dicks in their hands saying 'Why Us?'" So what happens to me and others that brought them here? I don't know. It could mean "move to Denver or else." It could mean that I'm now a V.I.P. and can demand anything I want. Dunno how it's all going to play out yet. I must be ever watchful now. Especially considering that Twink and I have a fledgling company in the works (plurrecords.com) that we want to see succeed. Not to mention the fact that I really REALLY want to get somewhere with my own music and possibly become a DJ and live set performer of some small amount of notoriety (not for the fame or fortune... just for the fun of doing it and hopefully touching the lives of those who hear it).

The future is a bit uncertain. But one thing I can guarantee is this. I will meet it head on with integrity and honesty. I'm tired of drama, bullshit, stupidity, ridiculousness, etc. No more shall any of that darken the doorway of my house or anyone that I call friend (provided I can help it). Be forewarned, all those that would attempt to interrupt the lives of me or my friends with petty-ass bullshit, you will be met head on with more vigor and determination than you can possibly imagine. Hell Yeah.

Denver

So, this is a backdated entry. I decided to start updating my journal again and this time keep it up day to day. Even if it's just the day-to-day BS of life, at least it's a record of my life. A LOT has happened since my last post, and I might bring it up here some time... but until I do... here's the latest.

So, last week some time, my boss's boss begged me to come up here to Denver to work with them on moving some of our processes from Orlando do Denver. I'm not sure what to think about all of it really. On the one hand it's a good idea because it will allow us to get some new development time in Orlando. However, on the other hand, it may just be what FHMS needs to push more and more people out of Orlando. They're already making overtures and suggestions that people move here. Yeah, it's pretty... but the climate sucks (for me anyway) and my heart belongs to Florida (as fucked up as it is... Florida that is, not my heart).

So, I get here... and they don't even have a computer... OR A CHAIR for me. I had a desk and monitor and that was it. So by the time 3:30 pm local time rolled around, she suggests I just go back to the hotel and wait until tomorrow. Sounded like a damn good idea to me... I didn't get any sleep the night before anyway.

So I came back here to the hotel, assed out for three hours, woke up and watched 24 and then slept until the next day. Wasted Monday. Weeeeee.