Thursday, February 2, 2006

My Own Private Hell

Gonna keep this entry private for now. I'm having mixed feelings about having Twink here now. I love her to death, but it's just weird. I love her probably a little too much and having her... basically in my home every day I "come home from work" for the next couple of days is like a dream come true until I realize that it's just a dream. And dreams are transient. People eventually wake up from dreams. When will I wake up from mine? The obvious answer to that is, when I choose to stop doing what I'm doing to push myself deeper into the dream.

Last night, she seemed to shut down after the club. The party was over. Now there was nothing but going back to the hotel and assing out. It's weird how I feel her get close to me and then pull away at just the right moment to make me feel like shit... like I've gone too far. Like I've tried to get too familliar. Sometimes she really opens up, and other times she goes dark. It's the odd timing of each event that puts me into a tizzy.

When we got back from the club, I had promised Rob that I would call him. Twink was getting irritated about something and when I tried to help her she just "ordered" me to go back and talk to Rob. After that, I didn't feel like talking to him. I wanted to see what was up. So I told him I was tired and would call him later. Then I go back into the room and she's crawled into bed, put her MP3 player on (which I can still hear playing as I write this) and assed out. Maybe she was tired. Maybe she just didn't want to talk. Maybe she was irritated. Maybe she was being purposefully distant. But after that I didn't want to talk to anyone... couldn't sleep either... and didn't want to be there.

I don't dare ask the question as to what was up last night because I know the practiced answer I'll get. It's squarely an issue of my own to deal with. Co-dependency. Needing someone else. Someone in my life that "means something to me" more than anyone else. Why can't that person be me? Why do I feel the need for that intimacy? Maybe because I had it at one time and now that I feel like it's gone I want it back... but this time with someone that I really care about and who really cares about me.

Of course, they say that the moment you stop looking for it, it falls in your lap. And maybe that's my problem. Maybe I just need to get over both Rob and Twink... and Mouse and V and everyone else and just be me, whoever that is, and see who takes notice. Maybe Denver would be a good thing. How do I keep myself in the foreground? I've spent so much of my life in the service of others... I don't know how to be good to me. And it would seem that no-one else really knows how to do that... at least no one in my inner circle.

I think part of my issue here is all the plans Twink and I have made for the future. She wants her and I to take her kids to the Grand Canyon (or some place cool like that) some time. She's looking forward to working together at plurrecords and all the events. She's the one who possibly got us gigs in Denver whenever we want. So... my question is... if she's that interested in doing all these things with me... why isn't she that interested in taking things to the next level with me? Everyone around me seems to see how good we are togehter. What is she getting out of the relationship with Josh that she wouldn't do them with him. Maybe she needs to see what life would be like if I wasn't around. What would she do if I wasn't available to do these things with her... if I actually got a life. I can't wait around forever for anyone. I think that's what this is coming down to. Waiting. Waiting for someone to take notice of all the attention I've given them and to say, "You know, this is a good thing. We're good to each other. Let's take it further."

Wow, I think this is the most honest I've been with myself in a long time. It's a good thing. It's a bit empowering. I think I'll go to the office today and kick some ass and take some names. It's better than trying to figure out why no one is interested enough to show enough interest. Some people are showing some interest in me in other ways (namely FHMS). Maybe it's time I shook the sand of Florida off my shoes and washed them with some snow from the mountains.

I'm not saying I wouldn't be friends with everyone as I am now. But I need to put the barriers up again. The barriers I had built around myself that didn't allow people in very far. If no one else is willing to drop those barriers with me, why should I?

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