Rob called me a couple of times yesterday. He misses me. I miss him too, but I'm having problems reconciling everything that has happened. I know he cares about me and I know he's trying. But is it enough to get past everything we've been through? I don't know. It's hard to look at him and not think about the past. Worse yet, it's hard to look at him and think about the future. Something tells me that should be a big indicator right there, shouldn't it? He's made some strides, he really has. But if I can't get over it, am I fooling myself into thinking I'll ever be happy with the situation? What is it going to take to recover from all the shit we've done to each other? Something mindboggling, I think. A sacrifice of great import, I think. I feel like I have sacrificed quite a bit for him and for us. I believe he feels that the fact that he's going to school and work, sacrificing his time to make a better life for himself is in turn sacrificing his time for us since he plans to use his new knowledge to make life better for us. But, will that happen? Can I wait another 15 months (the time he has left in school) to find out?
He said yesterday that maybe being apart like this for a few days will be good for us; that it will help us "miss each other." To be honest, I haven't thought about him hardly at all. That makes me sad. Sad for me, sad for him and sad for us. So what do I want out of life? Pretty simple:
- Share my life with someone and share in their life. Someone that I just can't wait to see every moment of every day. Someone who will share in my dreams and I can share in theirs. Common interests, common goals.
- Raise children. Bringing them up into the world, teaching them to cope and be more than I am. To excel, prosper, and live in peace; to enjoy the trip on the planet. I want to know that something of myself can go on, and share the ideas I have of PLUR even farther than I can reach.
- Follow my dreams. Ones that take me to the point where I can share my music with the world and hopefully touch some of it with my gifts.
- To never let anything get in the way of these goals, even the goals themselves. To keep it all balanced so that no one thing in my life ever takes away from or overpowers anything else in my life. But my first priority will always be to my family, whomever that may end up being.
I don't know that I can have that with Rob. I've already seen him become jealous of the music and my friends. I've seen it happen at least twice, actually... I was reminded recently by an old friend that I hooked up with again about how it happened when I used to hang out with them. I turned my back on them to give Rob more of my time and my life. I feel now that that was a mistake. I feel that he should have known that he was the most important thing to me in my life and that he could've trusted me. But maybe he never has really trusted me.
I don't know. But I can't try to figure it out here, right now. I have to get ready for work. 4 hours and 54 minutes until Twink's here. :) More later.