Hell Yeah!

So last night I was about to post a blog about some really bad stuff. My brain has been working overtime trying to figure out what has been going on in my life and my relationships. But as I was writing the blog, I clicked on a link a friend sent me and it wiped out my blog entry. I was frustrated. Then I read the link he sent and it screwed with my head even more. On top of that, I received another communication last night that also screwed with my head some more and so by the time the evening was through my head was pretty fucked.

I went to lay down on the couch to try to sort things out. I put in an episode of Farscape (because John's my man and Aeryn's my woman and Dargo's my... well... my Dargo). Anyway... I couldn't get all the events out of my head. That's when V came upstairs (she had been borrowing the use of my phone and computer) and asked if I was okay. I said, no not really.

I'm so thankful she was there because I started to become all unglued. There were pieces of me everywhere, really. But she guided me back to a time when things were beautiful and I finally put some pieces together that were missing from the giant puzzle... a puzzle I've been trying to complete for 7 years now.

I cried my eyes out. But it was such a cleansing, purifying flush of tears I can't even begin to describe. I went to bed and talked with Rob and told him everything I was feeling, told him what I need and what I want and finally ate crow for something terrible I did years ago.

This morning I woke up and things looked different. I can't explain how or why... everything just looked different. It's almost like Steven Wright's joke where he says that someone broke into his house and replaced everything in his house with exact replicas. It's the same stuff, but it all looks different.

I sat down at the keyboard and two beautiful melodies came streaming out that I hadn't heard before. Where they've been hiding, I don't know but I was gratified that they chose me to sing to. Then a phone call from Kowboi totally made my day even more spectacular.

This has been a fantastic and beautiful day so far and it's just barely past noon. :) Just wanted to share some good stuff. When it's good... it's real good!

Breathe In, Breathe Out

In a few days I will mark the beginning of another year on this planet. Breathing in and breathing out mostly... with a few other things to keep me entertained and well fed.

I've been thinking about this day coming up. Been thinking about how we tend to change the way we celebrate them. When we're kids, every birthday is a celebration. Some times they're bigger celebrations than others... but there's usually presents, friends, games and junk food involved. Also, we're always in the present... not looking at the past or the future... there's too much going on in the now to think about anythiing else!

At some point in our lives, we trade the junk food for alcohol (or other substances), trade the games for parties, clubs, etc., and sometimes lose the presents (and sometimes friends) altogether. As this trend continues, we also start to ignore some of these birthdays and start celebrating only the ones that society has given some arbitrary meaning to ("lordy, lordy, look who's 40" or "the big 5-O"). We also stop living in the present. It becomes more of a look at what we've done in the past, what's still left to do... and that there's now less time to do it in.

Why do we do this? There's only one day less than there was the day before the birthday. It's not like it sneaks up on us. Why do we stop celebrating our lives on the planet with our friends the same as we did when we were kids? I guess we're older now... wiser... busier... more responsibilities... in a nutshell: "too old for that shit."

Bullshit.

Not only do I plan to never get "too old for this shit," I plan to reverse the whole process. :) The older I get, the younger I'll act. It should be a lot more interesting having been through it once already now. Now I get to try it in reverse. :)

I am honored by all those that call me friend. Honored by those that celebrate my life as I celebrate theirs. If I could have one birthday wish, it would be that everyone who celebrates with me leaves all their cares behind just for that one day and lives in the present ... myself included because I'm just as guilty of the travesties I mentioned above. That would be just fine... no... it would be perfect. :)

Wheeeeeee!

Went to Bass Wednesdays last night and saw Mondo and Retro spin. Very cool cats, both of which were keepin' my feet movin' most of the night. It was a good night. It was the first time I got to hear Retro spin live. Twink and I met him there quite a while ago (bought us shots... see my earlier post about Brad Smith). I highly recommend their show. They're good now with the potential of becoming great.

Recent events have had me off-balance lately. More corneal ulcers, other medical crap, false accusations of impropriety made against me, Rob leaving his new job (with my full understanding... doesn't make me any happier... but I do understand his reasons), etc. Still trying to sort it all out. But I did manage to get a new track written last week. Hoping to get some time soon to bust out some more. I really want to get enough material together that *I* like well enough to take to the WMC next year.

Also working on some other business opportunities and potential gigs. They're all exciting possibilities, I just wish at least one of them would take off a little faster than they currently are.

My recent relationship issues have been put to bed. I'm hoping this doesn't mean that new ones are on the way or that the old ones wake up, crawl out of bed and bug me again. So far, things are good.

So overall it's been a bit of a rollercoaster with the highs being very high and the lows being truly effed up. So given that description, the most appropriate thing for me to say these days is just.... "Wheeeeeeeeee!!!!"

Speaking of roller coasters, if you haven't been on "Revenge of the Mummy" at Universal yet... you're missing out. Take the best things from Spiderman and Space Mountain, add the atmospherre and theme from "The Mummy", put them all together and crank it up a notch or two and you have "Revenge of the Mummy." Quite possibly the best ride of both parks right now.

Anyway, not sure what's going on this weekend. There are plans but with Katrina and the Waves coming to Florida, plans might change... ya never know. More later.

A Good Day

Wow... I had a whole day off today and am getting another one tomorrow... holy crap! I'm amazed that I wasn't called by the office ONCE! Hmmm... maybe this is a bad thing? Nah....

So, Rob got a job! YAY!! He started work today. He's selling boats so... if anyone wants to buy a boat. ;) This makes Jenna very happy... VERY happy indeed.

Going to a birthday party tomorrow night. Then on Saturday I get to babysit for Twink's wee ones. I'm looking forward to this weekend. Should be a lot of fun. :)

Other than that, not much else to report. Still not sure if I'm going to Indiana next weekend. Possibly. Things are still kinda up in the air at the moment. I love last minute decisions, don't you?

Anyway, that's all for now. Short and sweet (very atypical of me, I know) but at least it's not a long drawn out weep reflecting a gnarfed-up frame-of-mind. I do have some good days now and then. :)

I don't understand... Oh wait, now I do.

So, say you have a problem. Maybe someone or something created it for you but usually it's one you created for yourself and you know it. There's this still small voice that tells you what you need to do to resolve it. It feels right. It gives you so much peace to think about the solution that it's almost euphoric. But yet you don't listen to it. Why is that?

I think we all do it... I know I do and I know when I'm doing it. How do I know? Because I feel miserable when I don't listen to it and try to find a "more comfortable" solution or one that won't cause "social change." Yes, I guess I'm talking about being selfish here. But.. it's just ish. Just being self....ish. Like when someone says "Are you hungry?" and you say ... "ish." Why do we beat ourselves up for it? Are we that undeserving in life? What horrible sins have we committed that have affected the global, national, state-wide... hell even city-wide communities by being a little selfish? Nothing really, right? I thought so.

I don't understand why we do this. I've been beating myself up for a perceived slight from someone else that I also perceive resulted from them feeling slighted by me... yes... a PERCEIVED slight. There's something to put myself in a week-long funk for... rather than do what the little voice says and talk to the person I think slighted me and feels slighted by me... or so I think, at least.

In this scenario, I can tell you it's because I think so highly of that person that even showing the slightest hint of imperfection scares the living daylights out of me. God forbid I let them know I'm human... heavens no. Why? Because it's hard to show someone I love and care about that I'm not perfect. Not that I think I'm perfect (ha! perfectly batty, perhaps)... but I want to be perfect for the people I care about. I never want to make a mistake with them.

I think people in general don't want to look at ugliness, especially their own. I know I don't. Of course, I'm talking about actions not physical looks and shit. That's one reason why I try to never be ugly to anyone even if I feel they deserve it. The "they may have started it... but I'm not going to perpetuate it" type of thing.

But what I always run into is what do I do when I feel like someone I love and care about has been ugly to me? Regardless of whether it was conscious or not... it still feels that way. One would think that THAT's the person you SHOULD be able to say, "Hey, what's with this? I'm confused, I don't understand your behavior" to.

I admire those that can do that. Sometimes it seems I can deal with the things that don't matter easier than I deal with the things that do matter. Sometimes the things that do matter to me don't matter to someone else... and vice versa.

Ah HAH! Maybe that's it. Say I make a decision to do something based on what matters to me without thinking about whether it matters to someone else... not out of conscious malicious forethought against anyone but simply because it didn't occur to me to think that way. Then I find out that that decision DID matter to someone else. And that someone else is ALSO someone that matters to me. Now I'm in the situation where the other person feels slighted because it occurs for them that way when it was just me being .... self... ish. Language is a terrible way to communicate, isn't it?

Now this compounds within me because the person matters so much to me and I worry about making it worse somehow so I say nothing. I guess it pretty much boils down to cowardice, doesn't it. Grrrrr. I hate being a coward. But... at least now I understand a little better. I guess just writing it all down is enough sometimes, right? Never too old to learn something about yourself, as they say.

I guess the thing to learn here is that just because something doesn't matter to me personally doesn't mean it won't matter to someone who matters to me. The trick is to realize that it DOES matter to the other person and to acknowledge that it matters to them.

Personally, I've never done anything to intentionally hurt anyone that I can ever recall. By my actions, however, people have been hurt despite my best efforts to find a "more comfortable" solution. Where I will absolutely draw the line is anything that affects the health or liberties of myself or those I care about. Some people disagree with where I should set my limits in concern of my OWN health and liberties... but I know what I can take and what I can't.

What I can't take, more than anything else, is someone I care about feeling that I've purposefully slighted or hurt them. If I tell you I love you, you can take that to the bank. If you think otherwise, let me know... because I'm probably unaware of it. I can often times be dense as a brick. I also promise to face my own cowardice from this point on and let you know when I'm feeling hurt. Y'all might need to beat me to get it out of me tho... and yes, I'll probably enjoy it. :)

--Jenna

38 hours... awake and sober. WTF?

Alrighty then... it's been 38 hours since I last had any appreciable amount of sleep so I have no clue what this post will be like... but it seems like the thing to do at the moment.

Things started going weird Tuesday when something in the database decided to replicate itself ohhhh.... a couple million times. This created a cavalcade of conundrums that cocked up everything. This has led to my issues of late... being awake... 38 hours... sober... with no end in sight. *sigh* But I'm with good company. My boss is hangin' with me with drinks and snacks to keep us going until everything is resolved. Happy happy. Or as happy as one can be.

Listening to the Future Sound of Breaks... waiting for a phone call from a guy who's planning to leave us about a database no-one cares about... except our clients. WTF? I'm losing it.

If all goes as planned (Insert "Tom Hanks from Money Pit" laugh here), we'll get this shit sorted and I'll still be able to go out to a party with good friends tomorrow night. If, however, Murphy pays us a visit... uhm... that dude needs to chill out.

Anyway... not much else to say. I'm beat... if I'm not at the party... please send someone for both Jason and I. We could use the break.

Build your house upon the rock

I grew up in a Christian household of 7 kids. I was the last... a surprise as my parents call it. I've had several benefits from this. The most harped on, of course, is that I got away with murder... whatever... not really... just manslaughter.

In reality, the biggest thing I ever got out of it was my sense of right and wrong, my morals, my ethics, my values etc. They're all based on what Christ said in the Bible.

I was a student at Anderson University, a "Christian affiliated" college. Which means I had to take some Bible courses and go to chapel twice a week. I decided if I had to take these courses, I wanted to really study it. Study the records of surrounding cultures, archeological data, etc. More than just a "Bible Study Group" with credit hours. I learned a lot about my own beliefs and my own faith based on what was corroborated by other cultures and learned what I had to accept on faith. I also began to learn and take to heart the truths that lie therein... truths that span all cultures regardless of ideology.

Some of these have come into play recently in my life. Scriptures that talk about forgiveness, turning the other cheek, shaking the dust from your feet, etc. have all come back to me recently, giving me strength in my convictions and my actions.

One came to mind today about the wise man who built his house on a rock versus the foolish man who built his house on the sand. When the rains came, the wise man's house stood firm while the foolish man's house was destroyed.

But what happens when what you thought was rock turns into sand?

The foundation for my life for several years now has been my relationship with my significant other, Rob. We've had storms that we've weathered and we even took a year off at one point to make sure that we were meant for each other before taking the plunge into a full-on life-long committment. There were other reasons for that breakup too, but afterwards, I was committed and built my hopes and dreams for the future on the strength of our relationship, the promises we made to each other and the love we have for each other.

It's not hard to tell where this post is going, I guess. Disney says that "true love conquers all." Maybe so. But at the moment, it feels like the storms have finally chipped away the veneer of rock to reveal nothing but sand ... and my house is sinking quickly into it. Maybe choices in my life have brought me here. Maybe all I'll ever get is ... pretty sand. Maybe it really is rock and the house is just... settling. I don't know.

Some say run from the house before it falls apart and buries me. Others say stay true and weather the storm... it will eventually subside and any damage can be repaired... that it simply reveals that which you need to repair BEFORE the house falls apart. But when you're questioning the very foundation... the house itself becomes immaterial, doesn't it?

I could go into all the details, but it does nothing more than perpetuate the endless stream of opinions, warm wishes, chastisements, etc. that inevitably come from such a display. I guess the only reason I bring all this up is why we blog in the first place... to vent... to share our feelings and hope that someone else out there knows *exactly* how we feel... and that maybe *they* have an answer. But answers are optional... just a knowing look and a hug will do today.