Tuesday, August 7, 2007

War, huh, Good God! Still good for nothing!

So, I'm sick. Got something in my lungs, throat, nose, etc. Probably a bronchial infection and I probably got it from Sadao since he's been sick. I've been taking vitamins to help overcome it but I don't know how much that's going to work right now.

*sigh* Sadao... he reminds me of a much younger me sometimes. Other times I don't know... but there is a very strange connection between the two of us. It's loving and nurturing like two lovers some times... other times it's like parent-to-child. I really have to get past worrying what anyone else really thinks about what I'm doing and just do what's right for myself. Those that truly give a shit will see that I'm honestly trying to take care of my own situation and will support me. Those who don't will try to derail me.

So I've gotta work out what I want to do, do it, and then make it stick and see who does what.

It feels, right now, like there's a war going on between Twink and anyone who she feels might take me away from the family. Yet when that war isn't going on, she treats me like a pariah. I don't know how to fix that and still be my own person. Many sets of eyes are upon me to see what I'm going to do next. I have to think this through, carefully.

I overheard part of a phone conversation outside between a co-worker and someone else. She said, "Why is it that she's the one with the PhD and she's looking for approval from everyone else? That has to stop."

I thought about that for a moment. People go for things like an education for many reasons but I think maybe they boil down to two possibilities. They're their own person and do what they want because it's what they want for themselves or they live vicariously through others and do what they do to impress or flaunt their abilities to those around them. I still feel broken. I still feel like I'm not worth anything to anyone in the sense of a true, honest and open relationship. Still trying to prove myself either by what I know or what I can do.

What do I want more than anything else in the world? Just to be loved for who I am. To not have my intentions questioned or judged to be nefarious when they're not. My idea of love goes beyond what society typically believes as true from what I've seen. The concept of non-existence doesn't register with me. The idea of not being... doesn't make sense. How can that be?

What I need to do is to see a financial adviser and get my shit under control, first. Those in my life will simply have to deal with the fall-out of whatever comes from that. If it means selling some of my stuff, taking a second job, selling the house, whatever it takes to get me well again is what has to happen because right now... I'm not well... I'm not happy... and I can see that it's out there waiting for me in various forms. If I wait too long, it won't wait much longer for me, I'm afraid.

I know Sadao will survive without me. I know that Twink, Josh and the kids will find a way to survive without me. So why can't I make that shift for myself and survive without them? *sigh* ... I just need to feel something real again.

I did the weedeating for the yard yesterday. I could only do the front and sides of the house since the weed eater runs out of juice so quickly (battery operated doo-hickey). But looking at the difference it made, I was quite happy with it. I know that hard work pays off and right now I'm coasting through life. But I need to either flap my wings and start soaring again or I crash on the ground. I just don't want to see those flying with me to fail either.

I'm too tender-hearted. My heart can be broken by mere words from a loved one. It dampens my spirit and my will and then I no longer wish to even try. My head is filled with such troubles I don't know where to begin with them. But I have to start somewhere.

I've discovered a lot about the people I've associated with in the past and how they view me now. I'm not happy with how I've been portrayed and and getting very close to the point of no return... where I turn my back on everything I have come to love and cherish and look out solely for myself... everyone else be damned.

It's okay though. I know that somehow, I will survive this. Even though I don't see a future for myself right now... I know somehow I will survive even if it means returning to Indiana... alone... and in major debt. Trying to wake up here... but it's not easy given the amount of time I've been asleep. Maybe I am Rip Van Winkle. Heh... I guess by the time I die I will have, somehow, experienced everything I was meant to experience in this life.

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