On a completely different note... I've got to get the album I'm listening to on Napster right now. It was released in 93 and contains music even older... but I just found it myself looking for something else. I was looking to find who did the song "I want to be your man." It's by an artist simply known as Roger.
On Napster, I found it on an album called "Zapp & Roger: All The Greatest Hits"
So far, every track has had me jamming to the point where I'm bouncing in my seat, throwing my arms up at my desk, and mimicing a chicken with my head... so... that has to tell ya something. :) It's all old-school funk and it just makes me wanna get up and dance in styles I can't dance... LOL. There's nothing quite like music that makes you willingly want to make a fool of yourself even while sober. :)
Peace,
Jenna
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
New Car on the Horizon
Well, not new... but new to me. I've had the same car for about 10 years now. It's a great car, it has survived so much (10 accidents, multiple parties, several trips to Indiana and back, etc.) and has been a constant companion through thick and thin. She's my baby.
Well, as I've stated in here before, there has been some contention between Sadao and I about the usage of the car. There's something about saying, "Until Forever" that we sometimes forget when it comes to personal effects. Once you're attached-at-the-hip to someone, the lines of "yours" and "mine" sometimes gets blurred. Depending upon what it is, the blurring of those lines can be a traumatic experience! That was the case when it came to sharing the car.
I've sought advice from friends and I've prayed about it too. The one thing that always holds true is that my relationship with Sadao is more important to me than the car. I'd rather get rid of the car than have it be a source of contention. So after much deliberation, I decided that the time is right to get a new car and sell him my old one. He's very good with the car, he's driven it enough to know it's in's and out's so I know my baby will be taken care of ... probably better than I took care of her, to be honest.
Another plus to this is that we will have two cars in the family again. Now if something happens when one of us are out and about, the other can come to the aid. If we both want to do something but separate from each other, we will be able to. So no more fighting over who gets to use the car when, etc. It always amuses me when people say to me, "Well, it's YOUR car so there shouldn't be any fight!" But it's a personal choice as to whether we blur those lines of ownership or not. I know that the quality of our lives has been richer for us being together and given our personal track records, we refuse to let anything get in the way of that anymore.
Since marriage is not on the table, we can't go at this with a typical "joint insurance" thing, which is probably better any way. So he's taking care of the insurance, upkeep and taxes for the Escort. That's all his responsibility and my car will be my responsibility.
Before anyone says something like, "Well, but what you are teaching him is that if he whines enough he can get what he wants." A. I'm not teaching him... he's not my student nor my child. B. I can honestly say that he knows that doesn't work. C. I did a lot of whining myself... it always takes two to tango so you can't just blame one person for a fight. D. He's paying for the car and taking on the responsibility for it.
So it's forward motion for both of us. I like this type of relationship MUCH more than how things have gone in my past relationships. There's the beauty of sharing our lives with each other without the expectations placed upon us by socio-religious stigmas and traditions. It may seem insane... and that's what I think I like about it the most. :)
Anyway, I'm done gushing now. :) One more point to the "teaching/learning" bit tho... if anyone's learning something here... it's me. I'm grateful for it too... with a mind like an empty sponge. :)
Peace,
Jenna
Well, as I've stated in here before, there has been some contention between Sadao and I about the usage of the car. There's something about saying, "Until Forever" that we sometimes forget when it comes to personal effects. Once you're attached-at-the-hip to someone, the lines of "yours" and "mine" sometimes gets blurred. Depending upon what it is, the blurring of those lines can be a traumatic experience! That was the case when it came to sharing the car.
I've sought advice from friends and I've prayed about it too. The one thing that always holds true is that my relationship with Sadao is more important to me than the car. I'd rather get rid of the car than have it be a source of contention. So after much deliberation, I decided that the time is right to get a new car and sell him my old one. He's very good with the car, he's driven it enough to know it's in's and out's so I know my baby will be taken care of ... probably better than I took care of her, to be honest.
Another plus to this is that we will have two cars in the family again. Now if something happens when one of us are out and about, the other can come to the aid. If we both want to do something but separate from each other, we will be able to. So no more fighting over who gets to use the car when, etc. It always amuses me when people say to me, "Well, it's YOUR car so there shouldn't be any fight!" But it's a personal choice as to whether we blur those lines of ownership or not. I know that the quality of our lives has been richer for us being together and given our personal track records, we refuse to let anything get in the way of that anymore.
Since marriage is not on the table, we can't go at this with a typical "joint insurance" thing, which is probably better any way. So he's taking care of the insurance, upkeep and taxes for the Escort. That's all his responsibility and my car will be my responsibility.
Before anyone says something like, "Well, but what you are teaching him is that if he whines enough he can get what he wants." A. I'm not teaching him... he's not my student nor my child. B. I can honestly say that he knows that doesn't work. C. I did a lot of whining myself... it always takes two to tango so you can't just blame one person for a fight. D. He's paying for the car and taking on the responsibility for it.
So it's forward motion for both of us. I like this type of relationship MUCH more than how things have gone in my past relationships. There's the beauty of sharing our lives with each other without the expectations placed upon us by socio-religious stigmas and traditions. It may seem insane... and that's what I think I like about it the most. :)
Anyway, I'm done gushing now. :) One more point to the "teaching/learning" bit tho... if anyone's learning something here... it's me. I'm grateful for it too... with a mind like an empty sponge. :)
Peace,
Jenna
Monday, October 27, 2008
Might as well talk to the wall...
You've said it too, haven't you? "I might as well be talking to a brick wall." "Better to save my breath to cool my broth." Something like that, right? So why do we keep doing it? If trying to communicate with someone is so difficult, what's the benefit? Hrmph... I just heard Twink say "Nothing good is ever easy" in my head. I wish she'd shut up some times.
Well, since this is where I like to vent, my poor journal gets the brunt of it all. Basically, things are patched up again at home... but Mr. Cranky is still sick and therefore takes everything I say as if I'm being intentionally confrontational. Now... here's the part that I just don't get. He knows me. He knows me well enough to know that I hate confrontation. Typically, the only real reason someone will use confrontation is when they want to attention. Yes, yes... I can hear naysayers already proclaiming that there are times when confrontation is warranted. Well, it all boils down to attention.
People used to getting attention keep wanting it. It's like a psychoactive drug of the worst degree, if you ask me. Why would someone need that much attention if their life was interesting enough without it? AH hah! Yes, when life gets boring we tend to bore into other people's minds and demand their attention one way or another. Anything is better than nothing, right? And some of us are pretty damned needy. I've been there. Withdrawal isn't fun... but it's not anywhere near as bad as getting an unwanted kind of attention. Ouch. Even worse than that? Getting the kind you want and it changing in a heartbeat to the kind you don't want. It's like eating a fruit that tastes great until it suddenly rots instantly in your mouth. Whee!
Sometimes we just have to accept what life gives us with gladness while other times we will stand up and say, "No no... no more of that, thank you.. I know what that's going to do to me." I've been fortunate to be able to deal with life's sour bits and be thankful for them ... if for no other reason than they make the sweet bits taste all that much sweeter.
"That's how you view life? You feed off of it? That's sick!"
I've heard that many times. I never have a response for it, really. No point in defending something that is the very definition of life in the first place. In fact, if you really think about it... the sweet gratitude that someone gets after saying something like that is beyond measure. Because right after a statement like that usually comes something like "Well, at least I don't stoop that low!" The ironic part is that by uttering that last statement, they've put themselves in the mud right next to you...
Friend: Mr. Pot? I'd like you to meet Ms. Kettle.
Mr. Pot: "But she's black!"
Ms. Kettle: "Hrmph, have you looked in the mirror lately, biotch?"
Bah... I can't really vent these things anywhere else but here.
On another note: I found a REALLY good realtor/investor this weekend. I'm very impressed by him so far and I really think we might get somewhere with the house this time. Also, work is starting to flow a little easier... I'm very happy about that!
Halloween is coming up... not sure what I'm going to be this year... if anything. Maybe I'll go as a man. :-P
Peace,
Jenna
Well, since this is where I like to vent, my poor journal gets the brunt of it all. Basically, things are patched up again at home... but Mr. Cranky is still sick and therefore takes everything I say as if I'm being intentionally confrontational. Now... here's the part that I just don't get. He knows me. He knows me well enough to know that I hate confrontation. Typically, the only real reason someone will use confrontation is when they want to attention. Yes, yes... I can hear naysayers already proclaiming that there are times when confrontation is warranted. Well, it all boils down to attention.
People used to getting attention keep wanting it. It's like a psychoactive drug of the worst degree, if you ask me. Why would someone need that much attention if their life was interesting enough without it? AH hah! Yes, when life gets boring we tend to bore into other people's minds and demand their attention one way or another. Anything is better than nothing, right? And some of us are pretty damned needy. I've been there. Withdrawal isn't fun... but it's not anywhere near as bad as getting an unwanted kind of attention. Ouch. Even worse than that? Getting the kind you want and it changing in a heartbeat to the kind you don't want. It's like eating a fruit that tastes great until it suddenly rots instantly in your mouth. Whee!
Sometimes we just have to accept what life gives us with gladness while other times we will stand up and say, "No no... no more of that, thank you.. I know what that's going to do to me." I've been fortunate to be able to deal with life's sour bits and be thankful for them ... if for no other reason than they make the sweet bits taste all that much sweeter.
"That's how you view life? You feed off of it? That's sick!"
I've heard that many times. I never have a response for it, really. No point in defending something that is the very definition of life in the first place. In fact, if you really think about it... the sweet gratitude that someone gets after saying something like that is beyond measure. Because right after a statement like that usually comes something like "Well, at least I don't stoop that low!" The ironic part is that by uttering that last statement, they've put themselves in the mud right next to you...
Friend: Mr. Pot? I'd like you to meet Ms. Kettle.
Mr. Pot: "But she's black!"
Ms. Kettle: "Hrmph, have you looked in the mirror lately, biotch?"
Bah... I can't really vent these things anywhere else but here.
On another note: I found a REALLY good realtor/investor this weekend. I'm very impressed by him so far and I really think we might get somewhere with the house this time. Also, work is starting to flow a little easier... I'm very happy about that!
Halloween is coming up... not sure what I'm going to be this year... if anything. Maybe I'll go as a man. :-P
Peace,
Jenna
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Hats Off
I want to take a moment and tip my invisible hat to Sarama O'Shae. I had the pleasure of catching up on her blog today. This newfound interest is not hard for me to figure out. Reading through her blog posts is a lot like reading through my own (when they're not laced with OMG... I can't believe... WTF... but those are just blog-vents).
Samara, your column expresses much wisdom, curiosity and wonder. I find myself smiling, laughing out loud and generally having a blast as I read the entries. I just wanted to take a moment and say thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading your column for a long time to come.
On to other events...
I have calmed down quite a bit now. It's one of those disquieted calms (yeah... you figure it out if you want or just let your brain go pffft! I know what I mean). I know it's the calm before a bigger storm yet to rage. It's as if a hurricane is coming through and I've been experiencing the feeder bands ... but the eye-wall is still on it's way.
Ehh... I'm not so crazy about that analogy, but it will have to do for now. I was accused, again, of playing mind-games and holding the accuser back form what they really wanted to do in life. Considering I've never held anyone down, held a gun to anyone's head or done anything physical to stop anyone from doing anything, I find the notion ridiculous. I was accused of acting like a child and wanting it all my way. I guess we all want things our own way, and my way is honesty. Sounds strange coming from somone who's gone to great lengths to disguise their genetics... but given that I publicize my disguise, I feel that I can stand on the ground I'm standing on without fear that it will give way. After all, I know what's underneath it anyway.
I didn't respond to the accusations other than to point out what it was I was truly pissed off about. One of these days, I may learn to not respond at all. Given my mouth, that probably won't be until I've passed on, though.
My love for someone must be tough sometimes. When I agree with myself to love another person, it means that sometimes I must tell them what they need to hear, not just what they want to hear. It sounds pretentious. It sounds like I'm putting myself above others. But I also know that this type of love is not foreign to anyone on the planet. It just is as it is. I don't like doing it tho... but no one said I had to like it.
I will stand behind my words with actions. Sometimes I won't say anything and just act without words.... but I am a rooster (by chinese astrology) and a consumate actor so more often I feel the need to annouce. It gives me something to shoot for for myself, I guess. "Well, I said I was going to and by God I'm gonna do it." Yes, sometimes these things get put on hold. But I know I will not forget all that I have to do, all I must repay, etc. It will all catch up with me eventually and I will hold myself accountable for anything and everything I put myself up to do.
So if I bluster on and on... if I take the moral high-ground from time to time... if I sound like I'm talkin' shit or talkin' out of my ass... take a moment and ask yourself when you might have done the same... or when it might have looked that way to someone else. Then forgive yourself for it and those around you for doing it... and do some real thinking. You'll be surprised what you can come up with once it's completely out of your system.
Peace,
Jenna
Samara, your column expresses much wisdom, curiosity and wonder. I find myself smiling, laughing out loud and generally having a blast as I read the entries. I just wanted to take a moment and say thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading your column for a long time to come.
On to other events...
I have calmed down quite a bit now. It's one of those disquieted calms (yeah... you figure it out if you want or just let your brain go pffft! I know what I mean). I know it's the calm before a bigger storm yet to rage. It's as if a hurricane is coming through and I've been experiencing the feeder bands ... but the eye-wall is still on it's way.
Ehh... I'm not so crazy about that analogy, but it will have to do for now. I was accused, again, of playing mind-games and holding the accuser back form what they really wanted to do in life. Considering I've never held anyone down, held a gun to anyone's head or done anything physical to stop anyone from doing anything, I find the notion ridiculous. I was accused of acting like a child and wanting it all my way. I guess we all want things our own way, and my way is honesty. Sounds strange coming from somone who's gone to great lengths to disguise their genetics... but given that I publicize my disguise, I feel that I can stand on the ground I'm standing on without fear that it will give way. After all, I know what's underneath it anyway.
I didn't respond to the accusations other than to point out what it was I was truly pissed off about. One of these days, I may learn to not respond at all. Given my mouth, that probably won't be until I've passed on, though.
My love for someone must be tough sometimes. When I agree with myself to love another person, it means that sometimes I must tell them what they need to hear, not just what they want to hear. It sounds pretentious. It sounds like I'm putting myself above others. But I also know that this type of love is not foreign to anyone on the planet. It just is as it is. I don't like doing it tho... but no one said I had to like it.
I will stand behind my words with actions. Sometimes I won't say anything and just act without words.... but I am a rooster (by chinese astrology) and a consumate actor so more often I feel the need to annouce. It gives me something to shoot for for myself, I guess. "Well, I said I was going to and by God I'm gonna do it." Yes, sometimes these things get put on hold. But I know I will not forget all that I have to do, all I must repay, etc. It will all catch up with me eventually and I will hold myself accountable for anything and everything I put myself up to do.
So if I bluster on and on... if I take the moral high-ground from time to time... if I sound like I'm talkin' shit or talkin' out of my ass... take a moment and ask yourself when you might have done the same... or when it might have looked that way to someone else. Then forgive yourself for it and those around you for doing it... and do some real thinking. You'll be surprised what you can come up with once it's completely out of your system.
Peace,
Jenna
Liars
We all do it from time to time for different reasons. We lie. We lie on applications, to bosses (cough, cough... I'm sick), to lovers (no no, I've never felt like this before), etc. We lie. We do it for selfish reasons. I've done it. I'm sure everyone else on this planet has done it too.
I'm tired of it. I was lied to last night. Sadao's been sick the past few days. Yesterday we found out he had a fever. So I went and got him some Gatorade and tried to make sure he was comfortable. He said he needed to stay bundled up and sweat this out. I agreed.
We had some people over as well because it was Travis' birthday. Travis cooked (it's what he wanted to do) and it was really good. So I settled down to watch a movie and chill out before bedtime. After our guests left, Sadao comes out dressed to leave. He said he was going out with Travis to finish celebrating his birthday. I protested that saying that his fever just broke and that he shouldn't be going out. He wouldn't listen to me. Kept saying it was a bunch of nonsense and that he was fine.
He said they were going over to a friend's house (someone they just met online 10 minutes before he was a "friend") and would only be there a couple of hours. Said he wasn't going to spend the night or anything like that. Mind you, he has the car we share for all this. I said, "Well, okay, I think it's a mistake and that you shoudl let yourself get better... but I don't know your body or how you heal so I'll go with whatever you say there."
I was pissed at myself for getting involved again. I put my emotions out there and I was disrespected again. Gave him the benefit of the doubt, tho, and told him to be careful. That was at 11:00 p.m. last night.
This morning, I woke up at 6 a.m. The car is still not home. I sent him a text message saying, "Just a couple of hours, eh? You're a liar and you're fired." I am through with it. I'm through with taking any promise he makes as real. His actions speak volumes and so far they do nothing for me and it is far underweighing what I do for him. Will I still be his friend? Of course. He still makes me laugh and smile. But will I trust him anymore? Nope. Not for a long long time... if ever again. We shall see.
The lies have to stop.
I'm tired of it. I was lied to last night. Sadao's been sick the past few days. Yesterday we found out he had a fever. So I went and got him some Gatorade and tried to make sure he was comfortable. He said he needed to stay bundled up and sweat this out. I agreed.
We had some people over as well because it was Travis' birthday. Travis cooked (it's what he wanted to do) and it was really good. So I settled down to watch a movie and chill out before bedtime. After our guests left, Sadao comes out dressed to leave. He said he was going out with Travis to finish celebrating his birthday. I protested that saying that his fever just broke and that he shouldn't be going out. He wouldn't listen to me. Kept saying it was a bunch of nonsense and that he was fine.
He said they were going over to a friend's house (someone they just met online 10 minutes before he was a "friend") and would only be there a couple of hours. Said he wasn't going to spend the night or anything like that. Mind you, he has the car we share for all this. I said, "Well, okay, I think it's a mistake and that you shoudl let yourself get better... but I don't know your body or how you heal so I'll go with whatever you say there."
I was pissed at myself for getting involved again. I put my emotions out there and I was disrespected again. Gave him the benefit of the doubt, tho, and told him to be careful. That was at 11:00 p.m. last night.
This morning, I woke up at 6 a.m. The car is still not home. I sent him a text message saying, "Just a couple of hours, eh? You're a liar and you're fired." I am through with it. I'm through with taking any promise he makes as real. His actions speak volumes and so far they do nothing for me and it is far underweighing what I do for him. Will I still be his friend? Of course. He still makes me laugh and smile. But will I trust him anymore? Nope. Not for a long long time... if ever again. We shall see.
The lies have to stop.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Fun at Work
Yes, you read that right. Here's the setup:
A new developer here, we'll call him Carlos for that is his name, asked to give a presentation on UML and the benefits it would have for us as developers. Being a veteran developer, the concepts presented were nothing really new... it's flowcharts for the object-oriented crowd.
Anyway, the idea is that with UML you can describe and design anything and everything about a system. The first demonstration was about a logger ... not the kind that involves chopping down trees but the kind that logs activity like events, input, output, exceptions, etc. Pretty dry stuff. Almost put me to sleep.
Then they switched to the animal kingdom. Danger Will Robinson. The choices made were a bit too pure and I fell for the whole setup.
They talked about having a dog object that would inherit from a general animal object. Then also on a deeper level to describe the dog object, one would desribe properties like legs. So there would also be a leg object which would also have ties to other objects like cats, etc.
About that time was when Carlos said it... "and using UML we can then describe the natural relationship between a dog and a leg." That was enough for me. I lost it. I couldn't contain myself. I blurted out with laughter in the middle of the conference room, prompting my co-worker Jose to do the same thing. As I looked around the room I saw everyone but my boss got the joke. Later I found out that my boss had gotten the joke but apparently was a little irritated that I blew up in the middle of the conference.
I couldn't help it! The images got the better of me and that's all she wrote!
Since my other co-worker informed me of my boss's displeasure, I've had mixed feelings about the event now. I guess I should have "maintained my composure" but good God... no amount of money and no job in the world is worth not being able to laugh.
I really wish the world could lighten up. It would be a much better place, really.
Peace,
Jenna
A new developer here, we'll call him Carlos for that is his name, asked to give a presentation on UML and the benefits it would have for us as developers. Being a veteran developer, the concepts presented were nothing really new... it's flowcharts for the object-oriented crowd.
Anyway, the idea is that with UML you can describe and design anything and everything about a system. The first demonstration was about a logger ... not the kind that involves chopping down trees but the kind that logs activity like events, input, output, exceptions, etc. Pretty dry stuff. Almost put me to sleep.
Then they switched to the animal kingdom. Danger Will Robinson. The choices made were a bit too pure and I fell for the whole setup.
They talked about having a dog object that would inherit from a general animal object. Then also on a deeper level to describe the dog object, one would desribe properties like legs. So there would also be a leg object which would also have ties to other objects like cats, etc.
About that time was when Carlos said it... "and using UML we can then describe the natural relationship between a dog and a leg." That was enough for me. I lost it. I couldn't contain myself. I blurted out with laughter in the middle of the conference room, prompting my co-worker Jose to do the same thing. As I looked around the room I saw everyone but my boss got the joke. Later I found out that my boss had gotten the joke but apparently was a little irritated that I blew up in the middle of the conference.
I couldn't help it! The images got the better of me and that's all she wrote!
Since my other co-worker informed me of my boss's displeasure, I've had mixed feelings about the event now. I guess I should have "maintained my composure" but good God... no amount of money and no job in the world is worth not being able to laugh.
I really wish the world could lighten up. It would be a much better place, really.
Peace,
Jenna
Confessions
Okay... I have a confession to make. I think girls are hot. There, I said it. I wasn't supposed to, but I did. I don't know what happened, how it happened, or why... but somewhere the swich got flipped. It's strange that when I was 100% male I had little to no interest in the whole guy-girl thing with me in the masculine role. I didn't even have interest in the guy-guy thing with me in a masculine (read TOP) role. Since sometime after my surgery, I've begun to experience genuine attraction for the fairer sex. I'm not talking about sex... although the concept does intrigue me. I'm talking about actually feeling a connection there.
Maybe I just don't like to be at odds with my lover ... and yet apparently we have to be in order to make it work. That just doesn't make sense to me! Well, it does from a binary-polarity-system idea... male, female, black, white, on, off, left, right... one must have the opposing force in order to be complete. Two halves of the same whole, right?
So what the hell? I seriously think a female-to-male transsexual is the right choice for me, somehow. It would make perfect sense, wouldn't it? I dunno. It's just confusing as all hell sometimes. I try not to think about it but I have a lot of time on my hands.
At any rate... here are some famous women that I find attractive and why.
Michelle Clunie - Played Melanie Marcus on Queer as Folk. She's a tough-as-nails lesbian that doesn't take crap from anyone. She's got a beautiful body, smart, beautiful smile... but has that fire in her eyes that just supercharges my interest. *sigh* ... the girl who plays Lindsey, on the other hand, is a total basketcase and wimp... more like me, I'll admit.
Angelina Jolie - It's a recurring theme here, no? Again tough, brilliant, witty, beautiful, charming.
Claudia Black - Played Aeryn Sun on Farscape. How could anyone not love this woman? She'd be a pain in the ass, but in the sack and in the realm of love... a fierce lover, protector and nurturer.
Beth Massi - The only non-actress on my list. I first learned of her through my friend Jose. Beth used to work for the same company I work for now. She got fed up and left before I ever got there. She now works at Microsoft. I've seen videos of her doing interviews with other VB.NET team members at Microsoft and I've read her blog. I've experienced code she's written at GiftRAP. She's absolutely brilliant, funny, fun-loving, and apparently stubborn and hot-headed. Pure magic in her smile, too.
But alas, these are not meant to be for me since they all have their own lives far away from me, etc. most of them married lives. But I can't deny the attraction. I spent the night with a guy two days ago and although it was fun and I definitely got my freak on... I still find it less stimulating than the exchanges Twink and I used to have. (Twink is another one I would put on my list).
I don't understand it. I can't qualify or explain it. The only thing I can think to describe it is that these people bring out facets of my personality that I absolutely adore to express... but don't have the opportunity to in a world where I have to be so damned amenable. Steven put it best... he wanted someone to fight with. It's crazy! But it's true. Someone you can spar with that can take everything you can dish out... and for whom you can take everything they dish out too. Between the two of you, you know that nothing can take the others' place and that in no way would you ever do anything to really harm the other.
But it can't only be like that. There has to be warm and fuzzy, cuddly lovey times too. The perfect balance between these concepts is established between two people who truly love each other. You feel safe enough to trust that they won't throw the punch that kills you and they won't walk away from you in the middle of a good fight... or a good love.
So... I'm not sure what to do now... but wait and see what God has in store for me. I can only say this tho... it'll be someone extraordniary, that's for sure!
Peace,
Jenna
Maybe I just don't like to be at odds with my lover ... and yet apparently we have to be in order to make it work. That just doesn't make sense to me! Well, it does from a binary-polarity-system idea... male, female, black, white, on, off, left, right... one must have the opposing force in order to be complete. Two halves of the same whole, right?
So what the hell? I seriously think a female-to-male transsexual is the right choice for me, somehow. It would make perfect sense, wouldn't it? I dunno. It's just confusing as all hell sometimes. I try not to think about it but I have a lot of time on my hands.
At any rate... here are some famous women that I find attractive and why.
Michelle Clunie - Played Melanie Marcus on Queer as Folk. She's a tough-as-nails lesbian that doesn't take crap from anyone. She's got a beautiful body, smart, beautiful smile... but has that fire in her eyes that just supercharges my interest. *sigh* ... the girl who plays Lindsey, on the other hand, is a total basketcase and wimp... more like me, I'll admit.
Angelina Jolie - It's a recurring theme here, no? Again tough, brilliant, witty, beautiful, charming.
Claudia Black - Played Aeryn Sun on Farscape. How could anyone not love this woman? She'd be a pain in the ass, but in the sack and in the realm of love... a fierce lover, protector and nurturer.
Beth Massi - The only non-actress on my list. I first learned of her through my friend Jose. Beth used to work for the same company I work for now. She got fed up and left before I ever got there. She now works at Microsoft. I've seen videos of her doing interviews with other VB.NET team members at Microsoft and I've read her blog. I've experienced code she's written at GiftRAP. She's absolutely brilliant, funny, fun-loving, and apparently stubborn and hot-headed. Pure magic in her smile, too.
But alas, these are not meant to be for me since they all have their own lives far away from me, etc. most of them married lives. But I can't deny the attraction. I spent the night with a guy two days ago and although it was fun and I definitely got my freak on... I still find it less stimulating than the exchanges Twink and I used to have. (Twink is another one I would put on my list).
I don't understand it. I can't qualify or explain it. The only thing I can think to describe it is that these people bring out facets of my personality that I absolutely adore to express... but don't have the opportunity to in a world where I have to be so damned amenable. Steven put it best... he wanted someone to fight with. It's crazy! But it's true. Someone you can spar with that can take everything you can dish out... and for whom you can take everything they dish out too. Between the two of you, you know that nothing can take the others' place and that in no way would you ever do anything to really harm the other.
But it can't only be like that. There has to be warm and fuzzy, cuddly lovey times too. The perfect balance between these concepts is established between two people who truly love each other. You feel safe enough to trust that they won't throw the punch that kills you and they won't walk away from you in the middle of a good fight... or a good love.
So... I'm not sure what to do now... but wait and see what God has in store for me. I can only say this tho... it'll be someone extraordniary, that's for sure!
Peace,
Jenna
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