Confessions

Okay... I have a confession to make. I think girls are hot. There, I said it. I wasn't supposed to, but I did. I don't know what happened, how it happened, or why... but somewhere the swich got flipped. It's strange that when I was 100% male I had little to no interest in the whole guy-girl thing with me in the masculine role. I didn't even have interest in the guy-guy thing with me in a masculine (read TOP) role. Since sometime after my surgery, I've begun to experience genuine attraction for the fairer sex. I'm not talking about sex... although the concept does intrigue me. I'm talking about actually feeling a connection there.

Maybe I just don't like to be at odds with my lover ... and yet apparently we have to be in order to make it work. That just doesn't make sense to me! Well, it does from a binary-polarity-system idea... male, female, black, white, on, off, left, right... one must have the opposing force in order to be complete. Two halves of the same whole, right?

So what the hell? I seriously think a female-to-male transsexual is the right choice for me, somehow. It would make perfect sense, wouldn't it? I dunno. It's just confusing as all hell sometimes. I try not to think about it but I have a lot of time on my hands.

At any rate... here are some famous women that I find attractive and why.

Michelle Clunie - Played Melanie Marcus on Queer as Folk. She's a tough-as-nails lesbian that doesn't take crap from anyone. She's got a beautiful body, smart, beautiful smile... but has that fire in her eyes that just supercharges my interest. *sigh* ... the girl who plays Lindsey, on the other hand, is a total basketcase and wimp... more like me, I'll admit.

Angelina Jolie - It's a recurring theme here, no? Again tough, brilliant, witty, beautiful, charming.

Claudia Black - Played Aeryn Sun on Farscape. How could anyone not love this woman? She'd be a pain in the ass, but in the sack and in the realm of love... a fierce lover, protector and nurturer.

Beth Massi - The only non-actress on my list. I first learned of her through my friend Jose. Beth used to work for the same company I work for now. She got fed up and left before I ever got there. She now works at Microsoft. I've seen videos of her doing interviews with other VB.NET team members at Microsoft and I've read her blog. I've experienced code she's written at GiftRAP. She's absolutely brilliant, funny, fun-loving, and apparently stubborn and hot-headed. Pure magic in her smile, too.

But alas, these are not meant to be for me since they all have their own lives far away from me, etc. most of them married lives. But I can't deny the attraction. I spent the night with a guy two days ago and although it was fun and I definitely got my freak on... I still find it less stimulating than the exchanges Twink and I used to have. (Twink is another one I would put on my list).

I don't understand it. I can't qualify or explain it. The only thing I can think to describe it is that these people bring out facets of my personality that I absolutely adore to express... but don't have the opportunity to in a world where I have to be so damned amenable. Steven put it best... he wanted someone to fight with. It's crazy! But it's true. Someone you can spar with that can take everything you can dish out... and for whom you can take everything they dish out too. Between the two of you, you know that nothing can take the others' place and that in no way would you ever do anything to really harm the other.

But it can't only be like that. There has to be warm and fuzzy, cuddly lovey times too. The perfect balance between these concepts is established between two people who truly love each other. You feel safe enough to trust that they won't throw the punch that kills you and they won't walk away from you in the middle of a good fight... or a good love.

So... I'm not sure what to do now... but wait and see what God has in store for me. I can only say this tho... it'll be someone extraordniary, that's for sure!

Peace,
Jenna