Hmmm... From Night to Day...

So, yesterday I was supposed to go to this free concert with David and Chris.,.. however it got rained out. So, David said they were just gonna hang out over there instead and asked me to come. I said sure. This was at about 5 PM or so. Rob was home in bed asleep. I hadn't showered yet (was bein' lazy) and decided I should do that and make myself presentable (and less offending to the olfactory senses). Well, of course, this wakes up Rob and as I'm getting ready I can tell that he's agitated and wants to talk to me.

So I stop what I'm doing and ask him what he wants. He stammers a bit and eventually says he just wanted a hug. So... fine, that's cool.. I give him a hug. But for some reason, he continually acts as if I'm irritated with him offering me a hug... when really... I'm just irritated that I'm being interrupted in general. I was busy trying to get my hair done and get ready to go over to Twink's and he just gets too clingy with me when I'm in a "motivated mood." But then.. that's been one of our problems for the past 10 years... bad friggin' timing on both of our parts.

So now, he's upset thinking that I'm just thinking negative thoughts about him (which I wasn't at the time... it had been a while since I had seen him and it cool to see him again). I finish getting ready and go back up to the loft to finish burning a CD. I also had an issue at work that needed to be dealt with too.

So, I ask him to listen to a couple of tracks that I had recently ordered vinyl of online. He comes in, sits down and listens... but with the same distant stare that I always get which I've also seen before in other situations. I have come (in the many years together) to realize that it's the "I don't really care about this" stare. And once again, I feel stupid for trying to share something with him that gets me going and he shows no interest. So, I get through the other tracks quickly and figure I'll just say goodnight and head over to Twink's once the CD had finished burning.

No such luck. He decides to ask me if I wanted to go look at some bikes with him on Sunday... knowing full well that I'll probably be up all night Saturday night and may not be able to function Sunday to do much... which always bugs him when I'm that way... but it's not like he ever attends the things I'm interested in either.

I'm already in an "I don't care" mood now because of how he's reacted to me and has interpretted actions that weren't so. So I say, "I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow." To which he made the leap (in his already preturbed state that I didn't immediately see "his pain" and leap to assist him through it by telling him everything's okay) that apparently in his mind I meant that everyone else in my life was more important than him.

3 hours later...

I'm fed up. He's fed up. Again. We've dredged up more of the past and slung it in each others' faces, making accusations, defending positions, blah blah blah... and I just finally said I had to go. By that time, Twink had sent me a text saying "I guess you're not coming" because it was now past 9 pm. I don't blame her... I would have been there about two hours earlier otherwise. Plus, I had to blow off work and say I would take care of it today instead (which I did and it caused no grief since the clients weren't actively looking for the data that was delayed, anyway).

So I leave for Twink's pretty irritated. But I've learned to process it much more quickly and not let it continue to bother me any more because it's just counter productive to what I'm planning to do (which is have a good time) and no one really wants to hear it anyway, to be honest. I get there and find that David, his wife Chris, Josh, Twink and a friend of Josh's are already there... but only Twink is in the house... the rest of them are in the shed enjoying some goodies that David had... wheee!

So Twink and I start watching a movie that I had been wanting her to see... "What Dreams May Come." I highly suggest it to EVERYONE out there. About 30 minutes into the movie... chaos begins. People start filtering in, trying to figure out what's going on.. what we're watching and why. I realize pretty quickly what substance of choice had been selected for the evening's festivities... but I didn't know that EVERYONE already had a head start on me. I made the conscious decision to not join in in that respect... wanted to see how things worked from the other side for once. :) It was, for the most part, entertaining.

However, at one point, Josh's friend begins to get loud and boisterous while the kids are trying to sleep. This guy continues to ignore Twink's pleas for him to be quiet and in fact begins to disrespect her wishes in her own house... not to mention making some rather lewd comments indicating that he really just wanted to get laid that night and party... not deal with movies and sleeping children.

The night wore on and it got worse... up to the point where this guy had to be asked (firmly, several times) to leave... which he finally did. The rest of the night was pretty smooth... but I didn't see anyone other than David for the rest of the night. I guess they all thought I had left because I went to the shed with David (figured I could use a little pick-me-up of some kind, at least). David and I had a great talk too. I'm glad because I really like him as a friend and hope that we can continue that. I think we reached an understanding about each other that wasn't there before.

And that's when things turned wonderful. Twink's kids woke up. :) They came out and we watched the last part of Willy Wonka all cuddled up together. We played the "got your nose" game and had a couple of tickle fights and pile-ons as kids are want to do. I got them breakfast, gave Taylor her medicine... and we watched The Muppet Movie and continued to spend the day lounging around, playing and giggling. It was by far, the best part of the weekend, to be honest.

The day wore on and I really didn't want to leave. I've realized that I really want to be able to see a child or two or more grow up. On a daily basis. To see them learn, help them with their homework, teach them what's right and wrong... how to behave and how not to behave... help them through tough times at school with their peers... all the things a parent would do. The more I think about it... the farther away of a reality it seems... but the dream is a nice one. Sure, it's a lot of work... but nothing worth anything is ever easy.

I hope one day, maybe this little dream that everyone has will be realized. That I'll find someone who doesn't assume the worst of me... totally gets me... and I totally get them... and that we can build a life with children involved. But... time is running out. I'm 36... eventually, raising a child will be a ridiculous concept for my age... the age difference between parents is a hard one for kids to deal with ... I know... I went through that.

Anyway... I've been ordered to supper at Twink's. I guess I'll put the hamburger back in the fridge and get my happy ass back over there. More later. :)

21 hours until Florida

BLARGH!

I'm getting very frustrated with things here now. It seems like for every good thing that happens, about 3 bad things have to happen. I spent the day trying to get through meeting after fucking meeting (MAFM.... not quite like TAFT... but feels the same) so that I could get some actual work done. This was AFTER they rebuilt the application server I'm working on but BEFORE the database server is ready... and we get to the end of the day only to find out that no one had bothered to put the database client drivers on the application server... for those of you who don't know... you HAVE to have these drivers to access a database. And of course, no one was around with the drivers that had the permissions to install them by the time we figured this out. So... ANOTHER wasted day, basically. Wanted to shoot myself. And the MEETINGS... oh my god... people that don't know shit about shit trying to tell me how to migrate software I wrote in the first place... I swear I just wanted to say, "Good Luck with that" and walk out.

The only good thing that happened in the meeting was something funny the project manager said. The QA people in Denver were asking why the Orlando QA people couldn't help out with the migration efforts. The PM MEANT to say "Because they're supporting live production." What she said instead was "Because they're holding up production." I about fell out of my chair... had to grab my mouth or laugh out loud. It wasn't too far from the truth, after all.

I was going to go out tonight... but the wind and temperature changed my mind. It's fucking freezing up here now. I can't wait to get hoome to my blessed heat and humidity. I suppose I could eventually get used to this... but I miss Florida so much... those I consider friends and family are there... and I miss them so much.

On top of all this... I burned myself on the over door tonite. Probably will have a nice big scar on my arm too. I'm trying to keep it iced... but y'all know how that is... Me? Stay still long enough to heal? Hardly. I need a keeper.

I've been writing a lot of things in my journal lately about family, love, life, romance, friendship, etc. and a lot of it has had a melancholy and even dismal tone. I'm not feeling wretched folks. But every now and then I have to do some woolgathering and think out loud. That's what these things are for anyway, right? In addition, of course, to venting about stupidity and raising the roof about the good things. :)

So, don't worry too much about me. I'm appreciative of the concern and the love, don't get me wrong... but I'm not the basket case I sometimes make myself out to be. There's a fine line I guess... ya just gotta know how I communicate. :)

Anyway, a good friend that I've not talked to in a long time just signed on and he's waiting for me to chat with him. So, I'm gonna close this for now. I don't know if I'll be posting tomorrow or not. I doubt it, but we'll see.

Hugs,
Jenna

A Rough Day

Yesterday was a pretty rough day. The day before was awesome so I guess it all balances out. Hopefully today will be somewhere in the middle.

Yesterday I walked in to a pile of shit. Not literally (I think I could have seen and avoided that.. but who knows with me) but vocationally. I get in, check my e-mail and there's an e-mail from my boss's boss saying that, basically, I've been a jack-ass. As I looked through the chain, I see that two people I consider to be my peers have taken it upon themselves to question some of the actions I have taken in Denver in order to move us forward toward our goal. Apparently since I didn't run it by them first, even though they had nothing to do with it, it wasn't right.

So, I had to go to the person that stated the mess and talk to her about it. I had to explain that she disrespected me and could have come and talked to me personally rather than go so far above my head that even my manager knew nothing about it. Whee.

Then, later, we find that the hardware we've been using for testing isn't appropriate for anything we're using it for. Joy. It has to be rebuilt. This means that the last two weeks have almost been a total waste of time. I could have done everything I did here in Orlando. Of course, I never would have had the chance to party with Twink in Denver or go to Vail, Colorado... but still, it's just frustrating.

On top of that... I don't know... this is hard. It is a sad state in one's life when one realizes that they've been pursuing something that just didn't matter. Even worse, when faced with what they were supposed to pursue... and realizing it's so far away that they may never catch up to it... it's like a knife through the heart. I'm not going to get into the details. They're far too personal. Suffice to say that I'm having a personal crisis of faith... faith in myself and what I've done to my life. I've put my faith in science and man. Not in family and love. In my heart, I have always been about family and love... but my actions would seem to indicate otherwise. All I can do and be now is someone who helps others see the truth and realize what's important in life. I can turn my sacrifice into something beautiful if I try. Maybe that's why I've been blessed with what seems to be no earthly worries and as many talents as I have been. To teach and inform. To reach out to those who are confused or lost and help show them the way back... before it's too late. To be an example. I know, some of you have no clue what I'm talking about... some of you do and think I'm being melodramatic. But I consider this to be of paramount importance. No greater love, style.

Well, I need to get to work. So I'll close this for now. More later.

Avalanche 5, Oilers 2

So... for those of you who can read my private entries (which better be nobody), you would know that I've been pretty damned empowered lately. Things in my life have been moving in a direction that are very good and they've been empowering me to do more, be more, etc.

Today, I went in to work and discovered that I've been the topic of conversation a lot lately. I've been considered to be an extremely valuable asset to FHMS and apparently someone they want to make sure hangs around. This was all manifested today in an invite that blew me away.

Early this morning while trying to help some of the folks learn the system, I got a call from my boss's boss asking me to join her tonite with a few others in going to dinner, drinks and a hockey game. I was flattered and said sure. Little did I know what I was in for.

This was a special event. Big Wigs from Marriott were in town. They were taking them out to wine and dine them and wanted to include me for all the hard work I've done while I've been here. Not only did we go to the game, we were in First Horizon's private box. Fucking awesome seats! On several occasions, my name was brought up and I was touted as being in the forefront of the company's move towards more client-driven systems. I had nothing to do with this... it was Marriott and FHMS both that were blowing my horn. I was floored! It completely put me in a new position. I felt wanted. Needed. Appreciated. Much different than Orlando. I felt empowered and motivated to do just that much more. But not for the reasons they think.

My motivation has been solely based on my drive to be able to provide for the people I care about. To build a family that is cared for, provided for... and that cares and provides for me. The fact that FHMS is willing to give me the opportunity to make that happen is fucking brilliant! Between this, building my own company and working on my own music... I know I can be the person I was meant to be. Understand that nothing will ever come between me and those that I consider to be family. But from the way FHMS talks, this could be the sweetest thing in the world for everyone involved.

I must weigh things carefully tho. Too often in the past I have let the crap of this world entertain me into a slumber that made me think I was getting somewhere. But I was still lonely. No one to share this with makes all of this worth nothing. That will not happen again... EVER. I will do whatever it takes to prove to those that I care about that I'm for real; that what I say means something and always will. I've been afraid. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of losing everything. That fear is gone. I know now that no matter what I do in life, as long as my love for those I care about is in the forefront and that I maintain a balance between work and home... things will be perfect.

There is so much to say and right now I'm too overwhelmed and too tired from all the activity tonight to say it. I'm signing off and hitting the sack. I need some sleep. :)

PLUR,
Jenna

A Stellar Day

It's funny when you think you have clarity and then find out you didn't. It's beautiful actually. That happened to me today. It was as if a light finally switched on somewhere in my brain that had been turned off, and the switch had been glued, nailed and cemented over.

It was so intoxicating, so moving, so driving, empowering, motivating that I couldn't focus on anything else other than the truth that had been illuminated. I am in love. For the first time in my life, I am 100% completely head-over-heels, give 100% of everything I am, fully acceptant, out-of-this-world, phenomenally and as many other adjective and adverbs as you can come up with... in love. So in love that if the object of my love can not reciprocate that, it's still okay. It's not a crush, a fantasy, a wild-hare, lust, infatuation, or anything so physically driven that it doesn't matter. It's a pure, unadulterated, "holy fuck how do we keep this going" love. It's a love that doesn't require a committment, because it's already there. It's a love that doesn't require work, because it already exists. It's a love that doesn't even require physical intimacy... because it transcends that. It's a love that doesn't need to be justified, explained or reasoned... because those that require such reasons don't understand it and may never will. It's a love so overpowering, that I'm willing to give IT control, and give myself the backseat. And in turn, it takes me where I want to go, where I need to go.

I was so empowered, I worked harder and smarter than I have in years. I was accomplishing things I set out to do with a passion and a drive I've not felt for even longer. Knowing that love exists, seeing it for what it is and finally letting it govern my path... has made all the difference today and will continue to do so for as long as I live. No matter what happens or how things turn out.

I had a good talk with one of the VPs of First Horizon today. I was honest with her and she was honest with me. We talked about what's wrong in Orlando, what can be changed, and I impressed upon her how on board I am with making things work for everyone. That I'm, "In The House" so to speak.

I also had a chat with Ansley today about her situation. It was funny, one thing she mentioned ... I won't divulge information of a private chat between her and I but this part I can. She had said at one point, in reference to the government telling people what they can and can not do... "Separation of Church and State people!" To which I responded, "You know what, if they want each other so badly... they can have each other. They're two oppressive organizations all about control. Seems like a good match to me. Maybe they'll fight over control and knock each other out. How about separation of THEM and US."

I've had a fucking awesome day. I hope that everyone else has too. I really want everyone to feel this way. It's the difference between life and death, I swear on all I hold dear. More Later.

Hugs,
Jenna

How I spent my Winter Vacation

Yeah, okay, it's a dumb title.. a little dorky. But I couldn't think of anything else so sue me, but it is sorta what I'm writing about. This past week and weekend was one the most wonderful times of my life. I'll remember this one without a doubt. I put Twink on a plane about 2 hours ago. I held it together until I got to the elevators... then I fell apart. I'm really gonna miss her this week. It'll be so good to see her again on Friday.

Friday night, we looked and looked for something to do... but couldn't really find anything. The clubs were filling up with HipHop and House crowds... not our cup-o-tea. So we just wandered around Denver... driving around looking at the houses. There are some beautiful houses up here... quaint ones, majestic ones, homey ones... we talked and shared feelings about life, men, work, music, etc. Then came back to the hotel and assed out.

Saturday, we went up to Vail, Colorado. Driving through the Rockies was so impressive! The scenery just blew us away. Every time we turned around another bend, another incredible sight was there to witness. It was beyond words, to be honest. We were going to go to where I-70 and the Continental Divide meet and get pictures there, make a snowman, and just have fun. But we couldn't figure out where that was. So we ended up in Vail. Vail is beautiful. We went up in the gondola up to the top of the mountain. We had an extremely overpriced lunch there (which I'm sure Twink will fill y'all in on.. I told her to take a picture of the place and let people know how much it sucked). We threw some snowballs at each other and just generally enjoyed the view. Then back down the mountain and back to Denver.

It was Saturday night that made the trip. We talked about things that had been on both of our minds for a long time. Things that were really, REALLY important. Some of them were things that were bothering us, some of them were hopes, dreams, aspirations... true open honest feelings... all without the need for anything mind or mood altering. I know that she and I will be friends until the end and beyond. I know we've been that way since before the beginning. I can't explain how I know... I just do.

I have a task ahead of me that I am not looking forward to. But it's past time I handled it. She's helped me prepare for it, strengthen myself for it, and has helped me find the assurance that it will be alright. I'll write more about it as it unfolds. I know I'll need to vent and cry and to keep a record of how I'm feeling... so I never forget... and never find myself in the same position again... not in this life or any thereafter.

That's about it for now. Twink, thank you... from not just the bottom of my heart... but from all of it. I won't forget. I won't falter. I will survive.

PLUR,
Jenna

Let the weekend begin!

So last night we didn't do much. After work, we were invited to dinner with one of the VPs and the director of my department. Went to a place called Earl's... $30 Filet Mignons... DAMN good food... all expensed. :) Wheee! After that, Twink and I went shopping to find long johns, gloves, some board games, and whatnot. Came back to the hotel and played a couple games of Scrabble. Nice, relaxing, no rush, no agenda evening.

Tonight, we're goin' out! I really wish I had some kandi with me tho, in the event I meet some other cool kandi kids out here. Not sure where we're goin' yet but we'll figure it out. Tomorrow is the Great Continental Divide... :) Gonna go check that out and probably more craziness that evening. Probably won't sleep much that evening either. Sunday will be the sad day. Her flight leaves at 8 in the morning. That means an entire day off without her around. :( I'll probably cry, knowing me. She totally made my week by coming up here. I'm glad she came... and it will be great to see her again when I get back.

Work has been good. I've met some cool music-lovers in the office and even a musician like myself. The office environment here is much better but I've heard some things about the acquisition that bother me. I don't know what the future holds yet and it's stupid for me to assume one thing or another... just gotta be prepared for anything, I guess, right?

So far, this has been a great week and the next 40 hours will be a lot of fun, I'm sure. But then I have an entire week to deal with alone. BLAH! Gotta find something to keep me busy when I'm not working... and I'm not going to work myself to death either... although I guess that's an option for keeping me busy... if I could just get into the actual work more. It's become tedious to me. The artistry of putting the plan together is more appealing than the actual grunt-work of doing it. Bleh. Whatever. I'm just bitching now.

Not much else I want to say at the moment. Got plenty on my mind but nothing else that I really want to talk about here. So until next time, biotches... peace.