The Calm

Today is Thanksgiving. I have today through Sunday off. It's going to be a long and interesting weekend, I believe. Rob and I "officially" broke up romantically about two weeks ago (even though it really happened long before that). We've finally discovered that we're much better together as friends than as lovers. Every time we try to get involved as lovers, one or both of us are not satisfied and we begin to be mean to each other as a result of the unfulfilled expectations from each other. It's not a bad thing or a good thing... it's just a thing. Others seems to be attaching "meaning" to it more than we are, tho. Whatever, that's their problem... not ours.

His parents are coming today to spend the day with us. They're also spending the night too. It should be interesting to see how all this plays out. I truly hope they can see and understand where we are with this and that we're okay with it. We're being adults about it. Yeah, there were some childish moments like "Well you started it!" and shit like that... but that's a natural reaction. I don't want to lose his friendship or theirs. But I won't tolerate any disrespect or "adult parenting" from them or anyone else for that matter. We can make our own decisions and that's what we've done. Deal with it.

I opened up a couple of entries in my journal that were private before. Felt okay with sharing them now. There are still a few that are way too personal for me to open up at the moment. I may never open them up. But re-reading through a lot of this has helped me follow the progression of my life recently. Heh. I guess sometimes you just gotta look back and say, "How the hell did I get here?"

Tomorrow I may be going to Tampa. Either tomorrow or Saturday. I'm picking up Mouse. He's coming to stay here for a little while until he's able to move up to NC. Why here? He has no where else to go at the moment and I offered. I won't let a friend of mine be homeless. I'm definitely going to Tampa on Sunday. Rob's invited me to go with him to MOSI. Sounds fun, actually. I'm hoping V goes with us. It's her birthday and I know she'd enjoy getting out of the house and doing something "normal" as she puts it. Normalcy is something subjective anyway, so whatever. I love her but my view of normalcy is a tad different I guess. :)

There's rumor of a party this weekend too. I'm hoping there is since we're not going to see Brad Smith on Saturday night now. V can't afford to go/doesn't want to go... Twink doesn't want to hear House music, and I don't want to go without either of them... so... we're looking for something else now. This party would be a good thing because we might be able to get a DJ slot for Laura (Twink's sister). That would be awesome. She's really good and she used to DJ on the radio all the time. Familial responsibilities have taken precedence in her life recently and she just needs a break. I so hope this all goes down and goes down in the right way. That would be freakin' awesome. :)

I'm very VERY proud of Twink. She wrote her first tune the other day. :) While at her house last weekend she asked me to show her what to do in ACID Pro and Soundforge. So I did. And just as I thought, she sat down and put together a track that was unique and very much her. It didn't have all the elements she wanted... but it was definitely the best "first attempt" I've heard from anyone in a long time. Yay! If that's how she gets started... I can't wait to hear what she can come up with with some practice. :)

Well, that's enough for right now. I'll write more later after events unfold. ** poof **

Just when you think you got it all figured out...

I am one dense bitch sometimes. Okay, maybe most times. I'm pretty sure that at one point in my life... heap many moons ago, I had all this shit figured out. Then I lost it and figured out something else. Losing that, to figure out what I had figured out in the first place is kinda nuts, but I'm giving it a shot. I probably think too much... why else did I get into programming in the first place?

What the fuck am I talking about? Okay, let me bring it into more concrete terms for others who don't live inside my head (yes, that'd be you). Sometimes, I just need to talk. I need to hear myself "think out loud." It helps me see things I hadn't seen before. Of course, when one talks to themselves, it just looks nutty... I've seen people on the side of the road do it and well, it just looks nutty. So I try not to do that.

So the only alternatives are either to not talk about it and suffer the silence in my head (which can be unbearable) or to talk to someone else about it. Now, mind you, I'm not looking for answers from anyone. Well sometimes I am... but if it's something I already know the answer to, sometimes I just need to blab for a bit. The problem is a) making sure you around someone who can tolerate you thinking out loud and b) making sure that person knows that's what you're doing and that you're not asking them for advice, answers or directions. This is one of those things I lost at that one point in my life and am taking back. Think of this as a mental scavenger hunt.

I realize this paints me in the light of "that bitch needs help." And that may be true. Maybe I'm just figuring it all out on my own, though, and getting "help" would do little more than lighten my wallet. This last part makes more sense to me. All I can do is rely on the patience of my friends as I work things out. Thing is, I'm not sure if I've run out of patience and am running on humor alone (being patient with me vs. humoring me). Can insanity truly be that far away? Dunno, don't care. I just want to have a clear mind at some point before I die... that'd be nice.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is this... to anyone who has felt burdened by my ramblings and woes, to those who have felt like they've been chosen by me to fix me or at least attempt repair... I've got it now. I can handle it and it's all good. If I do start to falter, just remind me that I'll figure it out in the end and let me babble a bit. And with that, I'm going to bed... it's late and I'm tired.

Whatever

Blah... so I'm just sitting here doing laundry, monitoring some stupid BS at work, thinking about all the other crap I was trying to get done today... and realizing I'm just fuckin' stretched too thin, basically. One would think that my S.O. would have helped me out with these things... but since he never did and now he's not my S.O. ... it's still all on me. So now, I have to simplify. Condense. Retract. Regroup. Whatever. It's all a matter of priorities, really. Of course, this week is a rough one. We have the holiday coming up and his parents are coming to visit. I'm hoping there won't be too much drama from it. I have about 18,393,207 things to do and about 2.7 minutes a day to do it in. WTF? Eeeyarg.... it drives me nutz.

Okay, enough bitching. Actually, what I wanted to write about is how free I've been feeling lately. Revent events have opened my eyes and ears to things I had not paid attention to before. I've been fucking up and fucking off. And it's past time I stopped. Now that I'm not so wrapped up trying to figure out what's going on with my relationship, I've become much more focused in my own priorities. This is a good thing. It helps me get better, figure out what I want and where I want to go and what I want to do. Anyone that wants to come along for that ride is more than welcome... but it's my show from here on. Maybe someday I'll meet someone that I can relate to enough and who relates to me enough that it can be "our show." I've felt that connection before, and I've met others who have felt that connection to me. But I've yet to find the one where it's reciprocated both ways. Maybe I never will. But I'm okay with that now. And that is freedom. Freedom from fear of the future and what lies ahead. Freedom from fear, period, to be honest.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I don't need anyone else's approval or acceptance about who and what I am. It's empowering. I have a lot of shit to take care of before I can truly spread my wings and fly... but as soon as the mess that's been made is cleaned up... you can bet that I'll be taking flight ASAFP. Just thought I'd share that. Peace, biotches.

KISS

So, I'm sitting here waiting on the laundry to finish and thinking about all the directions I'm trying to take with my life. It's not hard to see why I've been so scatterbrained lately. I've been like a kid in a candy store recently... grabbing up everything that interests me and trying to hang on to all of it... but my arms aren't quite big enough and some of the stuff I've grabbed has fallen to the ground and shattered. I still have to pay for it, too... even though now I don't want it anymore. Whee. What I need to do is figure out what I really want and put the rest back.

The rule of KISS ... Keep It Simple, Stupid. It's a simple concept, really. But yet I manage to overwhelm myself pretty easily. It doesn't stop with just activities and goals and things like that either. I get wrapped up in emotions and people too. Problem is, I tend to push people away that way. The fact that I can recognize this ugliness about me is a good thing, I've been told. It's the first step on the way to overcoming it. Being "okay with myself" is the key. I like myself alright when I'm alone... but I'm always feeling the need to get that impression validated by others when I'm not.

One arena that always makes me stumble is whenever there are couples around and Rob isn't with me. I end up feeling awkward. If I *were* single, it wouldn't be such a bad thing... because then I could just mingle with whoever and it wouldn't matter. But when he's not around... it makes me wonder about why we're not together.

Actually (and this is where the post goes completely off topic), I often wonder about how much we actually have in common. We met in an internet chat room for transgendered people. I can't remember us actually having all that much in common, to be honest. Some of the video games and movies I like, he liked. We both enjoyed playing role playing games, but that has started to lose it's flavor. Just growing out of it maybe? Or maybe I'm getting oversaturated.

The more I think about what common interests we have, the more I find that they are fewer and farther between. We have different views in TV, Movies, Politics, Music, lots of things. Hell, we don't even get fucked up together. This would seem to be a relationship built on one thing... my transition. But now that the transition is complete... what do we have in common? Helluva time to find all this out.

I'm marginally more compatible with V. But she also reminds me of a time that is now past. I guess maybe I'm growing past my ties of before. Things that were representative of the past should not necessarily be lost or thrown out tho... but if those you love won't grow with you, what do you do? If you grow apart, you have to follow your own path. You can't follow someone else's path if it's not meant for you. I've known since I was 4 years old that my path was going to lead me to music. I left that path for a long time and took another that was interesting to me. But now it's time to get back on track to where I belong.

I love Rob. I love V. I love them both very much. But my life has changed and continues to do so. If they can't keep up, I can't wait forever for them to catch up. And maybe they don't really want to. That's fine too. Rob and I have "gotten used" to each other I think. Well, I need more. The question is, will I ever have the balls to tell him that to his face and mean it... or did I leave those in Thailand?

Timing is Everything

I think my problem has been and always will be bad timing. It seems like I'm always a day late and/or a dollar short. I can't make it to work on time. I make plans and then can't keep them because I try to make everyone but myself happy and end up making everyone miserable in the end. Even the major decisions in my life seem to have met with ill-fated timing. Tonite is no exception. I'm sitting at home miserable when I could be with good friends and family, at a party, enjoying life. Why am I not there? Because I allowed other things in my life to control me. Now that I'm willing to take that control back... it's too late. This is very typical of me. My pre-cognitive abilities tell me how this is going to end, too. People are going to get tired of it and I'll be alone again. Wow... I'm really miserable tonite.

There is so much going on in my head I feel like it's going to burst. There's so much I want to say but I fear the consequences of saying anything. I know what I want out of life. I know what I need out of life. None of it is in my grasp though. I've fucked up so many things, it seems, that now I don't know which end is up. I find myself entertaining thoughts I haven't thought in years. I find myself entertaining the idea that I would be better off without this world and vice versa. This has scared the ever-living fuck out of me since I haven't had thoughts like that in ... 11 years.

I try to give my best, but it's not enough. Never is. I don't feel like I make a difference. Life keeps marching forward and yet everyone around me is still feeling like they're standing still. GOD I am SO scared, alone and depressed right now and at the moment... I see no end in sight.

It's also a lack of inspiration. Hmmmm... hold up a moment. Inspiration. Argh... but those people and things in my life that inspire me are the very people and things in my life that are making me crazy, too. I don't know what to say anymore and to be honest it doesn't matter anyway. I don't think anyone's reading out there ... based on the lack of interaction in my journal. So why bother with this bullshit anymore anyway?

Yay... looks like I get to be jaded again. Guess I should put the dustcover on the keyboard. Later.

Random Babblings

So maybe I really am having a mid-life crisis. I just looked up the definition in Wikipedia and it was rather alarming:

A mid-life crisis is an emotional state of doubt and anxiety in which a person becomes uncomfortable with the realization that life is halfway over. It commonly involves reflection on what the individual has done with his life up to that point, often with feelings that not enough was accomplished. The individual may feel boredom with their lives, jobs, or their partners, and may feel a strong desire to make changes in these areas. The condition is also called the beginning individuation, a process of self-actualization that continues on to death. The condition is most common in people in their 30s and 40s, and affects men more often than women.

That's pretty much where I'm at. I used to have my future laid out and planned. Funny thing is I apparently didn't plan far enough ahead. I often feel very uncertain about life and the various things involved in it. I find myself worrying about what consequences my actions will take more often now than not. In fact, I spend so much time figuring it all out in my head that by the time I'm done, whatever I was working on has already sorted itself out.

Yesterday was a fitful day. I woke up to my hand cramping up and tingling up to my elbow. Classic case of carpal tunnel syndrome. Whee. So I called in to work and told them I couldn't work that day. It was not the happiest of conversations. Shortly before that phone call, the power went out in the house. So even if I *could* type on the keyboard, I couldn't use the computer from home either so they were pretty much stuck without me. The power came back on eventually, but by that time my mood was already headed into the abyss.

The rest of the day involved issues I've chosen to not talk about here but they affected my thought processes all day. I allowed different events and conversations take me to a place where I eventually just became angry and very solitary, feeling abandoned and just generally shitty. To be honest, those situations have yet to be resolved either and I'm still letting it affect me. It's hard not to. Argh... it drives me nuts.

I did, however, discover that high emotions helps me focus on what I really want. Since my day was going so crappy I decided to spin a little. I was doing damn good too, if I do say so myself. I was focused and really getting into it. I just hope I don't always have to be pissed off to do it. HA!

Not much else to report at the moment... I think I might spin a little more tonight after Rob leaves for work. Which is pretty soon so I'm gonna close this and get busy. Later taters.

Mad as all Hell

I'm mother fucking irritated. I've almost sent a message to Twink twice now to tell her just how irritated I am... but I've thought the better of it knowing that it would come out all fucked up if I sent something out now. So instead, I'll just write this private entry to vent and then maybe later when my head cools off I can talk to her.

I got a call from Josh earlier today asking if I wanted to go to see NiN tonight. He'd been planning going for some time now and had bought tickets for several people. Apparently he had a spare one. When I asked him where it came from he said that David and Katie had been figthing and that she was not being very nice to David (must have been earlier that day). Josh didn't want to deal with this and so he decided that he was going to tell David that he could go but she could not. Josh was offering me her ticket. At first, I thought sure, why not, I'll go. Throughout the day, though, I thought that maybe I shouldn't since he did buy that ticket for someone else. I said fine. I didn't want to get in the middle of it. Josh also specifically told me not to tell Twink about it at all and that he would tell her. Later Josh mentioned that he had some ibuprophen I could have (my left hand has been bothering me all day with what I believe is the start of carpal tunnel syndrome).

So I had decided that what I would do is go over to their house, pick up the pills and bow out gracefully. Before I left I called Josh. He said he was off getting some fruit but that the pills were at the house and I could just go and get them. When I got closer, I called the house to let Twink know I was close by. There was no answer. So I figured she was either spinning or getting Taylor or something. It was only 6 PM... didn't think they'd be leaving this soon. To be honest, I didn't know what time the concert was supposed to start or how to get to where we were supposed to be going. So I pulled up to the local quickie mart to get a drink and called Twink's cell. Asked her if she was home and she said they had just left for the concert.

I was thinking... what the fuck? She didn't mention anything about knowing that I was supposed to go too. She acted as if she knew nothing about it so I have to assume she didn't. I still didn't tell her about Josh's offer. I told her to have a good time and she said, "Oh we will." I sent Josh a text message after that saying, "Have a good time. Thanks for the offer but I guess I shouldn't go anyway." He called me and told me to "feel better" and that I should let him know if the pills work. I said I would, hung up, got the pills and started home.

The more I thought about, the more it bugged me. So I sent another text to Josh saying, "So I guess you're taking David and Katie after all?" He replied, "We'll see what happens." I replied, "I feel fine. I just didn't feel right taking a ticket you bought for someone else." He replied, "So what I bought em." I replied again with, "I figured that you had changed your mind since you never called me about it and you left before I even got there." No reply.

He makes the offer, tells me he'll call later about it. Yet he didn't call me about it. He called about the pills... but nothing about the concert. I didn't know when I was supposed to meet them, IF I was supposed to meet them, WHERE I was supposed to meet them. But I drive all the way the fuck out there to see that they'd left without telling me shit.

The worst part about it is... Twink doesn't know anything about any of this... as far as I know. If I tell her, I'm technically betraying Josh's trust. So, I guess I'll just have to wait until I see Josh again to hash this shit out. Whee. Dunno when that will be. It gives me a headache.