Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Random Babblings

So maybe I really am having a mid-life crisis. I just looked up the definition in Wikipedia and it was rather alarming:

A mid-life crisis is an emotional state of doubt and anxiety in which a person becomes uncomfortable with the realization that life is halfway over. It commonly involves reflection on what the individual has done with his life up to that point, often with feelings that not enough was accomplished. The individual may feel boredom with their lives, jobs, or their partners, and may feel a strong desire to make changes in these areas. The condition is also called the beginning individuation, a process of self-actualization that continues on to death. The condition is most common in people in their 30s and 40s, and affects men more often than women.

That's pretty much where I'm at. I used to have my future laid out and planned. Funny thing is I apparently didn't plan far enough ahead. I often feel very uncertain about life and the various things involved in it. I find myself worrying about what consequences my actions will take more often now than not. In fact, I spend so much time figuring it all out in my head that by the time I'm done, whatever I was working on has already sorted itself out.

Yesterday was a fitful day. I woke up to my hand cramping up and tingling up to my elbow. Classic case of carpal tunnel syndrome. Whee. So I called in to work and told them I couldn't work that day. It was not the happiest of conversations. Shortly before that phone call, the power went out in the house. So even if I *could* type on the keyboard, I couldn't use the computer from home either so they were pretty much stuck without me. The power came back on eventually, but by that time my mood was already headed into the abyss.

The rest of the day involved issues I've chosen to not talk about here but they affected my thought processes all day. I allowed different events and conversations take me to a place where I eventually just became angry and very solitary, feeling abandoned and just generally shitty. To be honest, those situations have yet to be resolved either and I'm still letting it affect me. It's hard not to. Argh... it drives me nuts.

I did, however, discover that high emotions helps me focus on what I really want. Since my day was going so crappy I decided to spin a little. I was doing damn good too, if I do say so myself. I was focused and really getting into it. I just hope I don't always have to be pissed off to do it. HA!

Not much else to report at the moment... I think I might spin a little more tonight after Rob leaves for work. Which is pretty soon so I'm gonna close this and get busy. Later taters.

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