Thursday, May 31, 2007

Lightening Likes Me

So, there's that old saying that lightning rarely strikes twice. Maybe we're just thinking in all too much of an all-or-nothing attitude when we say that. Every electrician knows that there's little shocks and there's big shocks (just ask my brother).

A friend asked me to go to lunch with him yesterday and have drinks with him after work. This is a guy I've been interested in for a while. He's good looking with a very calming, loving personality and we've been out together before. Every time we've gotten close tho, there's been a wall that has come up between us. I've tried to identify this wall and figure out if it's me or him or both of us. He's had some hurt in his past with past relationships (including someone that he says I remind him of). I've had my run-ins with emotions and love and romance as well... not to mention the whole gender fiasco (which I hadn't mentioned to him at all since it was obvious to me then that it wouldn't matter). Each time that we've gone out, it was always at my suggestion. This was the first time he asked me to hang out with him. So I said sure.

Lunch was ... well lunch. We ate at this pizza place called American Pie and it was filled with people so we couldn't really chat about much more than how interesting the flatbread was. But the evening is a different story altogether.

We went to the Ale House and had ... a few drinks. :) We could both feel the chemistry starting (he started it first this time). And as the night went on it built and built and we began talking earnestly about life, how it felt to us and found that we both share the same vision of it. I could sense the wall in the distance and knew we were headed for it. Sure enough, it wasn't long before we hit it and the chemistry fizzled. It happened when we started talking about committments, expectations, obligations, etc. I could tell that it was a sore spot for him and that he had some scars from where he'd been hurt in the past. I knew that there was only one thing I could do to show I truly trusted him... but how to work that into casual conversation?

Well, the opportunity arose when the discussion automagically turned to the female anatomy and the periodic cycle. He asked me what it was like to have to deal with that.

Me: "Well, if I'm going to stick with this whole idea of honesty that I've developed for myself, I guess I should say 'I don't know.'"
Him: "So, you can't have any children?"
Me: "Nope. Would you like to know why?"
Him: "Sure."
Me: "Are you sure? Because there's no turning back after this."
Him: "Yeah, I want to know."

I took his hand and put it on my throat so he could feel my adam's apple. I knew that if he were the wrong kind of person, he could've started choking me right there and then. But he didn't. His eyes got big and his smile returned and the warmth from him returned.

Him: "So you went the whole way?"
Me: "Yup."
Him: "That's great!"

From that point on we started really talking. He didn't ask any further questions (I'm pretty sure he's going to have more now) but there was some understanding there now about me and my life and that I truly did recognize the pain he was feeling from his past.

I don't know where it goes from here. It may go nowhere... it may start to take off. But I took the step I knew I had to take to clear the air and be honest with each other. Until I know that he shares the same feelings... that life is "empty and meaningless and the fact that it's empty and meaningless is empty and meaningless" and that nothing we can say about our lives or do in our lives can be affected by anyone else unless we allow it... until I know that for sure... I will keep his trust and secure his identity and his life in my heart. Besides... this journal's about me and my feelings... what else can I truly know anything about anyway?

Much Love to All,

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