Saturday, May 14, 2005

The Beginning of New Possibilities

Wow, this has been a traumatic couple of weeks. This last week ended on a note I was completely not expecting. I wont go into the details because I don't have 3 hours to sit here and type them all. I will summarize.

Changes at the workplace have escalated into what appear to be "house-cleaning." For various reasons, people are being questioned, accused, threatened, terminated, etc. The mood has been dismal and the morale fell through the floor. I found that I too am not immune to this "clean sweep" approaching... in fact, to all appearances... I'm in the vaccum cleaner's path.

At first, I was angry. Angry, frightened, panicked, etc. I went into paranoid mode and began to permutate all possible branches from the information I received. Where I would go, what I would do, etc. I was preparing for some more broken shells.

And then this morning it hit me. Like a ton of bricks out of the clear blue sky, it hit me. I had forgotten one of my responsibilities. I only have two, and I forgot one! I have preached it others, but haven't been following it myself. The responsibility to my own happiness. Only I have that responsibility. If I say someone else or something else is making me unhappy, that's me giving that power away. Well, frell that. After 7 years of working to build a company, the machine that bought it now wants to chew me up and spit me out... too bad, it's not getting that kind of power from me. I refuse. 7 years ago, I was looking for something new. I needed a change from where I was. That time has come again.

Once I realized that, it was as if a weight had been lifted from my shoudlers. It was as if the flood gates of adrenaline, dopeamine and seratonin had all been opened and I was instantly relieved. Because now is the time of possibility.

Before, I had no possibilities. I knew where I was, what I would be doing, when I would be doing it and why. And none of that brought me any pleasure. In fact, I've accomplished very little. That makes me more irritated than anything else, to be honest. I've let myself become mentally "fat, dumb and happpy." But now, there are vast realms of possibility opening up to me like never before. It's not that they weren't there before, I simply had no motivation to explore them. Now, things are clear, things are bright, shiny and new again. My zest has been restored and my fire rekindled. I'm ready to move on, make the necessary changes to make a better life and say "Screw You" to those who would have me wallow in fear and anger. It is... a brand new day

To those of you who have experienced this epiphany before, you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's an "American Beauty" moment. I may not know where the future will take me yet, but at least I know I'm looking forward to it again! So celebrate with me (in whatever way suits your fancy) as I empower myself to be even more than I was before. Drinks are on me!

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