Thursday, July 12, 2007

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid

Well, here we go again.

Last night when I got home from work I was feeling great. I was motivated to make some changes in my life, start taking better care of the house and myself and be good to the people I care about (including myself).

Twink and I chatted some... and it was all good. We both acknowledged that we definitely share a bond; a deeper friendship than any other we've ever known, and that we both knew that the house and what we are doing there was not our final destinations. We agreed to be there for each other to help each other through the transition back into normal daily lives.

After dinner, I had planned to stay home and watch some TV. Twink decided she wanted to go to Southern Nights. She asked if I wanted to come along and I said sure. That was my first mistake. It wasn't that I shouldn't hang out with her... it was the reason I was going. It's the same old story.

Well, to make a long story short, although there were MANY high points of the evening (which I hope we can make come true), I apparently allowed myself to drink WAY more than I ever have or ever should have. I puked in the club, in the parking lot, out the car window (all over her car, which I cleaned this morning), and back at home. I fell out... FELL out... of the car in front of her 15-year old son. I made a horseth asseth of myself and am paying for it dearly this morning. How could I ever expect to show what being a "grown-up" is to someone when I can't do it myself?

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself and I should acknowledge the fact that people make mistakes. I'm getting too old for these kinds of mistakes, tho. It's clearly the result of depression and I seriously need to find a way out of it. I've been depressed for a VERY long time now and have tried everything I can think of to change that. I think I know what to do about it... but it's just not fair that it has to be this way.

I love Twink to death. She knows herself very well, knows exactly who she is, what she can and can not do. I used to be that way... until I met her. Is that her fault? Nope. It's mine. I love her... but I don't love who I become when I'm around her in certain situations.

So, given that understanding, I must do what any responsible adult would do and that is to stand up and face the music I have written. I am making a commitment to myself to change before it's too late. If I don't take responsibility for my actions, why should I expect anyone else to?

I guess I had to sink a little more for it to sink in. Now if the aspirin would just sink in I'd be fine.

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