Internal struggles seem to be the ones I deal with the most since no one has "brought the fight to my face" yet. So, the only way to quell the natural need for fighting is by internalizing it I guess. For me, today, that fight is between me and the lazy, listless, devil-may-care attitude I've had whenever I feel that my efforts aren't appreciated, noticed, or thanked.
The question that keeps leaping to my mind nowadays is "Oh... you needed that? You said you were doing this because you wanted to." Yeah... that old chestnut. What the frig do I want anyway? Oh yeah... to be happy. And how does one be happy? Oh yeah... you just do it. So why do I have to keep reminding myself these things? Am I that forgetful or am I stuck in a loop that I can't get out of? If it is a loop, it's one that changes sufficiently enough to show changes in time... so as to give the appearance of achievement and progress through at least one machination. So, I'm not ruling out the loop theory yet.
Am I that forgetful? If I am, it's a temporary forgetfulness because I eventually pick up the pieces again and make myself happy... usually just before I face something big that is about ready to beat me back into submission and back into the loop. Plus, I do have memories of most of the events in my life so I find it hard to believe that I'm that forgetful.
Whatever it is, it's irritating me and I know it's not coming from my family or my friends... they're the ones trying to help me see it, recognize it, fight it and kill it. Problem is, family and friends don't always agree on the best way to do something. So, I gotta make the ultimate decisions myself. Freedom's a bitch sometimes.
If I had my choice, everyone would know that they free to do as they wish and actually do it. Now, I'm not talking about doing what one wishes without penalty. Doing what one "wishes" doesn't mean that one should not pay the price for doing what they want. But sometimes what we think we want isn't really what we want at all. At least, not on the surface.
So what on God's green Earth will make me happy? Me. My attitude is completely within my control. My perception of situations is what ultimately drives my happiness. Of course, it is often VERY hard to be happy when one is empathetic to the plights of other souls... especially those for whom one cares about. Thus as per Callahan's Law, to fight entropy, we share our lives with our friends and family for shared joy is increased and shared pain is lessened.
Yesterday I went to lunch with my ex... someone I still care about very much and will never stop caring about even beyond the boundaries of time. As we chatted, I felt the old chemistry building up just as I had last weekend (we spent a day together this past weekend). Last weekend I made the choice to ask where the chemistry was going. Were we able to put the right elements together and create an explosion of love and life, humor and laughter, beauty and music... or were we still being stingy with what we had and not giving our all into the equation? Well, it's not hard to discern that since I'm still writing about stuff like this here in my journal that that didn't happen.
So yesterday when we had lunch and I felt the chemistry building yet again... I had to ask him not to call me anymore. I recognized many things right there and then. I recognized that just being with him made me feel good. I also recognized that my own stumbling blocks of the "new relationship" were mine and that until I can get over them, it's not right for me to answer his call. Until I can be the friend to him that I should be, until I can keep myself from offering such pain and hurt in retaliation for what I perceive as slights to me, I need to keep my distance because all I end up doing is hurting the ones I care about that way. Yes, it apparently is all about me, after all... just not in the way I used to think.
I also recognized that my presence feels good to someone else I care about yet is representative of the same problem just in reverse. In that relationship, I'm the one that needs to back off and let the other heal until happiness has been recaptured and the wounds have been closed. I now know how it feels to be around someone I care about and not be able to experience the joy that was there before. I certainly don't want anyone else to feel that way on my account.
So, until such a time as burned bridges can be rebuilt and friendships renewed, I am keeping to myself and working on my own attitudes and physical goals. It might be lonely for a while... but it will at least give everyone a chance to do the same for themselves.
Peace,
Jenna
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