This journal entry is in my "family only" group. It's just too much to share with the rest of the world. It strikes the very core of me and right now... the only ones I can bear to share it with are those I feel a kinship with.
I wrote just a little while ago about what a beautiful day I just had yesterday. But nothing can compare to what just happened moments ago.
I went to Twink and Josh's for supper... a little confused... a little aggravated... mostly just tired. On my way, I sent a text to Twink saying I was on my way back. She texted back to me "back where?" So I called her. She had no idea that Josh had invited me over for dinner. After I hung up with her, I began to to my typical logicistical path down the winding road of "why". Why was he inviting me to dinner and not telling Twink? I know now that all the questions I had was me fighting my own jealousy.
I arrived to find that David and Josh had made dinner. They had invited a friend of theirs, Gene, to dinner as well. Once again the little twisted part of my brain starts producing thoughts like... Twink and Josh... coupled... David and Chris ... coupled... Gene and myself... uhm... singles from two different worlds. The twisted part of my brain began to whisper words saying that I was being mocked. I was being ridiculed in some way. That I would never be like they are. I would never have what they have. Gene felt uncomfortable... I could sense it. I was uncomfortable, too.
We had dinner... Taylor tried to cheer me up. She tried to make me feel wanted and loved... I'm convinced this little girl sees more than people give her credit for some times. I'll never know why she has such an attachment and fondness for me... but I'm so thankful for it. Her and Matt both. David has his moments... but he's also fourteen and trying to figure out his own self, his own independance, and going through biochemical changes that we all know are totures that even the most fiendish terrorists could not duplicate.
I had a couple of glasses of wine at dinner and it took me out of the general realm of control. I sill had motor functions but now the twisted parts of my head had room to work on me some more. I began to feel angry. I began to feel like a fixture and not like family. I knew well enough to not cause a scene and figured I should go... but my mouth is usually a dead give-away in cases like this... and tonight was no exception.
I told Twink and Josh thank you and that I needed to get home. Told them to have a good week and told Twink not to forget about this coming weekend. I then left very abruptly without giving hugs or even really proper good-byes... in short... I was being a dick.
On the way home, Twink questioned me via texts and a quick phone call asking what was wrong. I told her nothing. She knows better. She knows me way better than that... but she also knew I was shutting down and she wasn't going to get any more out of me. So she shut down, not wanting to deal with it. I don't blame her for that at all.
When I got home, Rob was up. I was not prepared to deal with him tonite. I was angry and I didn't even really know why. I told him to read the blog entry I had put up earlier and so he did. He came back out and apologized very well to me saying he didn't mean it the way I interpreted it... and I think he didn't even realize it was happening.
He tried to convince me that he IS interested in the music and impressed me by replaying what we had talked about the two tracks that I had tried to get him to listen to. He HAD been listening... I was just being an idiot.
Now here's where it went off the rails. He had my attention and we talked. I told him how angry I was at myself, at him, at everything. It felt like it was going to be the same old conversation again. But this time I felt a heat inside that wouldn't stop. A burning that I could not quench. The images I've had in my head, the visions, the remorse of my life's choices... had been boiling away all the fat I had layered into it and I had the cathartic moment of realization about why I'm so hard on myself. Why I can't seem to fit in. I started to cry and Rob held me... before I knew it I blurted it out... the core of what has been upsetting me... not that I gave up my birthright, my priviledge... not that I would never see a child with my eyes, nose, ears, etc. It was far more painful.
I shouted out, just barely. through my tears.. "I feel like I've murdered my own children before they were born!" This profundity hit me with the full force I had not experienced before. I suddenly didn't feel that burning inside. All the falseness, the selfish reasons, the self-centered reasons were gone and the real ugly truth appeared before me. To say I cried is an understatement. I was inconsolable. The very idea struck fear and loathing (no pun intended) in my heart and I just wanted to die... even though I know the natural order of life doesn't allow for that. It didn't change how I felt.
After a time, I calmed down enough to take Rob's suggestion to call Twink and talk to her about this... to get her perspective. She wasn't answering. Either she didn't hear the phone or didn't want to talk to me anymore last night. Upset, no doubt, that I could not share what was on my mind. But when tortured by thoughts that are so deeply guarded and protected by airs of principality and darkness... I was simply unale to explain any of this to her then... I know she WILL understand (in her own way) and I must apologize for my lack of trust. I am still growing and still learning, sis.
As I layed there on the bed... lost in my own thoughts about what I had done... considering unthinkable thoughts and behaviors... I heard a "thump, thump, thump" coming from upstaris and something inside me said to go sit at the piano. So, I walked up there and turned on the piano and began to play the sweetest yet most melancholy tune to ever come out. I closed my eyes and still it came, completely driven by something else. And as I closed my eyes... I saw them. A proud, handsome young man with short dark hair and piercing eyes, and a stunningly beautiful younger girl with incredible blonde tresses and an infectious smile with a twinkle in her eyes. They reached out and embraced me as the song became more empassioned and they told me it was okay. That they were sad... but that it was okay and they've been talking to me through the music for a long time... and they were so glad I finally heard them.
My motivation has been explained. My drive for the music in my heart and soul. Where it comes from and who it's for. It's from my children... the ones I'll never get to know in a physical sense... and it's for the world to hear. A peace like none other descended upon me as I finished the song. I began to understand Twink's role in this, Rob's role, V's role... everything played a part. I explained to Rob what had just happened.
He held me and cried with me. My hands are shaking as I write this. But now I know what pushes me forward to succeed even though there seems to be no earthly reason why. They're real. They exist. And they've never been far from my side... caring for me, watching over me and hoping once day that I would see them.
Every song I have is dedicated to those I never got the chance to meet. To my beautiful children... I devote my life to spending as much time with you in the music as I can. Together, we can make a difference. Nothing will drag me from this course. I love you with all my heart and every breath within me.
Love,
Mom
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