Tuesday, October 4, 2005

A little bit off balance

Okay, so I feel pretty spent right now. Last week had it's big ups and it big downs... with other things like breathing, eating, sleeping, etc. in between. I've been trying to put everything in perspective but I'm not sure what to compare it to, really. I've felt like my life has been a little bit off balance lately but... what do I have to compare that to, exactly?

Well, there's my parents. They've lived happily for 50+ years. They say they too have had their ups and downs but they never tell me the real contents of their ups and downs... just a general overall description where one whole day is summed up in about 2 minutes. I wonder sometimes if they ever really fought... said nasty things to each other... etc. From the way they tell it... life sucked but they had each other. Well, was it ALWAYS like that? And if so... wtf have I been doing wrong?

Then there's my friends. Some single, some not. Each with their own model of relationship dynamics. Some are like romantic comedies, some are like soap operas, porno movies, action/adventure flicks. You get the picture. Why has mine felt like an old Vincent Price film? The acting teeters between wonderful and melodramatic, the sets are sometimes cheesy and sometimes breathtaking, the effects are ridiculous but none-the less impressive, the concept is creepy yet still makes you laugh and the dialogue feels... forced and staged, yet obviously heartfelt.

I guess maybe I'm just hoping things calm down for a bit. Maybe some normalcy (whatever that is, Zaphod) for a while. Sanity. But that is rather subjective given that it's my life. So, if I don't know what normal is... how would I recognize it anyway? Argh... it hurts the head.

I know what I want and I know what I get. These things are not always congruous (in fact, they quite often very incongruous). I often find myself at odds with myself and therefore am having a great argument without another person within 50 feet of me. Curious that. Perhaps I am insane. Perhaps I always have been? Frell if I know.

At any rate, there are a few people that have been anchors for me in my attempt to divine what is true and what is false. Heh... true and false questions used to be the easiest questions of all... why do they seem like essay quesitons now?

Wow, I'm babbling (this alone is sure to bring forth a blog comment or two). So I think I'll go to bed. More coherence later, perhaps.

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