Thursday, October 13, 2005

Feeling a little better

I had a chat with Twink tonite. Of course, we have chats quite often... almost every night. Sometimes I think I might maybe I bug her too much. Can't help it. Oh well. Anyway, life is better and that's all that matters. I still have that "marionette" feeling about other areas in my life, but I'll regain control by snipping one string at a time until I'm free again.

I have someone I need to talk to soon. It's not going to be a fun conversation or an easy one but I have to do it. Maybe she will surprise me and listen and hear how I feel. Maybe there's something bothering her about me that she hasn't had the guts to say. I don't know, really. All I know is that I'm tired of being at odds with people that I care about. If it's not one, it's another. It seems to jump from one person to another. The crazy thing, of course, is the way I think about things and get my head all screwed up. From a purely analytical standpoint, one would examine all test cases and determine what the commonalities are. What agent is present in all test cases that may be affecting the outcomes? Of course, in any case where I have had a conflict with someone, the only commonality is that I've been present in each one. So, logically I would be the cause of the problem. Well that doesn't help much though, now does it? There's only one way to solve that and that's not an option. So much for analytical thinking.

It's not easy to look at one's self and ask the burning questions. Did I handle my life appropriately? Have I made mistakes that I will be paying for throughout my life? Am I headed in the right direction? Will this course of action really take me to where I want to be or where I see others are that I want to be like but are not necessarily me? Argh. It gives me a headache.

I've been focusing on my purpose in life a lot, lately... and on what role I play to others, what role they play in my life... how my choices have brought me to where I am and where my next choices will take me. It's funny that I am starting to become even more independent and sure-footed now, tho, than I've been for my entire life so far. So many people make that happen early in life. I guess I had so much on my mind when I was younger that I couldn't focus on what life was really about, how to live it and live with other people in it. I've missed out on so much and sometimes just feel... left behind, trying to catch up.

I sometimes wonder if any of it will ever make sense. Maybe death is the ultimate orgasm. Maybe when we have an orgasm (the release of all the dopamine and serotonin and whatnot), it puts us into that realm where we eventually get to when we die... but without the need for a drug, physical gratification or the requirement of returning to the imprisonment of the physical body. I like to think that. It's gives me comfort, actually. But the truth is, I don't know.

Well, I'm rambling. I'll write more when I return from North Port. I'll take the camera (even though I never take any damned pictures whenever I have a camera with me).

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