Friday, October 7, 2005

Lobotomize Me

Okay, not sure what all I'm actually going to say here so this will be just as much of a surprise to me as anyone else. I'm officially in purgatory, I'm fairly certain of that. I'm not unhappy... but I'm not happy either. I have no clue what has happened here other than perhaps, being a Libra I've managed to finally strike a balance. If this is balanced, tho... then someone please tip my scales because it's fucking with my head.

Things make sense in one light and are completely daft in another. Life seems grand when viewed one way... and totally pooch-screwed when viewed another way. Up is down and black is white and yet nothing has changed.

I know I'm not giving y'all anything concrete to slam your heads into... I know this. I can't decide if I'm being too scared (that life will change too much) or too brave (by shouldering this shit myself) by not provide hard details. I have already provided these details to some. On one hand, some say that nothing will change if I do not change it myself while others say that life will work itself out given time and patience. I think this is how I managed to end up in purgatory... this is how I ended up too well balanced.

Do I blame, accuse or in any other way condemn anyone that has tried to help me sort out my head? Not at all. Not in the slightest. I am grateful and thankful for friendships so deep that I can talk about shit that bothers me with them and not be tuned out. So those of you who have been providing said opinions... don't stop... keep me on my toes, please!

I guess maybe I really don't understand myself well. I am fully capable of establishing goals, making milestones and making forward progress in all this little shit of life that, by the end of it, will all amount to nothing at all. But when it comes to things that should really really matter... I'm as lost as a drugged up rat in a maze.

I know I'm not going to get anywhere with this post, so there's not much point in continuing it. If you've read this far, congratulations and thanks for at least making the journey to nowhere with me. I'll figure myself out eventually. Until then, at least it's a pretty carousel I'm on.

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