What Now?

Last night was all manner of fucked up. It didn't start out that way, though. Twink sent me a text message asking if I was driving. She thought I was headed to North Port last night. Eventually I got it through to her that I was wasn't leaving until tonite. She and Josh had had a fight of sorts and was going to to play pool. I offered to go with her and we decided to go to Trick Shots near my house. She called back a little bit after that and asked me to get in touch with V and have her come too. No problem. I couldn't get in touch with her though... but as luck would have it, as I was getting ready to leave, she was at my door.

So we all meet up there, get a table and some drinks and start to play. Throughout the night, the only two people playing end up being Twink and I. V chose not to play at all. And when Twink wasn't shooting, she was talking with V, feeding the jukebox, getting drinks or something. I was acknowledged some of the time... usually when it was my turn or if I had "not left her a good shot" or something like that. I felt like a computer opponent, to be honest.

It's not like they didn't try to work me in the conversation, though. I got worked in there several times. Both V and Twink started talking about my business and my man's business. All V ever seems to talk about is sex, boys, penis sizes, etc. etc. I felt like a conversation piece... again. Yeah, this isn't the first time. Maybe not always the same conversation or subtopic, but I'm quite often the focus.

I was doing really well too. I was handling things with grace and maturity. Doesn't mean it didn't hurt. But eventually I got tired. There was a point when V, who at the time was talking about Kowboi, said "tell me you wouldn't hit that if there was a way for no one to know" and had lilted her head toward Twink. I didn't know she was talking about Kowboi and thought she was talking about Twink. I told her no, I couldn't because I care about her too much. I could if there were feelings between us. She then proceeded to lecture me again on who I am, things I can and can not do, things I'm just not able to do, etc. I can't stand it when people make assumptions about who I am, what I'm capable of and what's in my heart and head. I fuckin' live in my heart and head... I should know, dammit.

It was a fucked up night. I went out to be a friend to someone who was in a bad mood and needed to get away and ended up ... in a bad mood and needing to get away. WTF? As we were leaving I realized I was walking quickly to the car but really couldn't stop myself. Just wanted to leave. Almost didn't get hugs before we left. I was angry and close to losing it but still maintaining some composure. V rode with me so I had to get her back to my house where her van was at. The only thing she was worried about was the money I spent that night. The money. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT MONEY! Money is bullshit! It gets us some of the things we need and some of the things we want... but nothing that really *really* matters in the end. If I have friends, I don't care if I'm living in a trailer, a teepee, a mansion, or what the fuck ever. Friends that care about me, my feelings, my life, my interests, my hopes and dreams. Because I care about theirs. *sigh* I'll be dealing with this for a while, I know. It's a good thing I'll be out of Orlando for a few days. Maybe Stacy can help me put my head in order.