Friday, October 21, 2005

I am a Mess

I think I may be losing my mind. Went to the movies tonight... saw DOOM with Rob, G and Richard. Afterwards, I thought Twink and I were going to hang out, chill, do something. She yawned a couple of times and made it clear that she was "in for the night." I also got the impression that she didn't really want to hang out. In fact, I've been getting that impression from most of my friends lately. I guess sometimes I am too needy, too smothering... I dunno. I just like hangin' out with my friends a lot, I guess.

I feel alone a lot, I guess. Alone in the world and that no one out there ... REALLY gets me completely. Maybe that's how everybody feels. Maybe we all "settle" in relationships whether they're intimate or not. The diversity is charming and interesting but there's a longing, a need to find someone I really connect with... someone I totally get and they totally get me. I suppose I may never find that person.

Sometimes I get the crazy notion that before... back earlier in getting to know Twink, she was testing me. She was asking the questions and pushing the buttons to see what I was about and maybe see if I got her. That night at her house doing acid and whippits while watching movies really threw me for a loop. I've never written about it and I'm thinking now that I want to.

At one point, during Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (which I don't even remember watching the movie at all, to be honest) I had what I can only describe as an Adam and Eve moment. My brain went through images that all related to sex, orgasm, conception, child birth, growing up, learning the facts of life, commonalities between all people, and all of a sudden I looked over at Twink and thought, "I *KNOW* HER" from somewhere, somewhen else. That I've known her for all time. That everyone has an adam or an eve that complements them and that they spend their lives searching for the one... and that you just KNOW they're the person ... from balls to bones.

And then I started reflecting on this and thought... what have I done? I spent my life searching for happiness and thought I had found it only to figure out that I was wrong? I began to wonder if maybe there was something I was supposed to do early in life that I fucked up. Something that took me down a path that lead away from where I was supposed to be going. I began to wonder if maybe all the pain in her life was because I had messed up. That, if she and I were meant to be together as this experience was telling me... the fact that we weren't and that I became so selfishly absorbed personal exploration that I usurped all the good things that were supposed to happen to her.

I even began thinking my transition was a big mistake. That if I had just held on a little while longer, I might have met her at a different point in life and could have had more to offer her more than just my friendship. I can't stop this feeling now matter how hard I have tried. I fight it on a daily basis and have been ever since that night at Heather's. It's a constant craving that will not be sated by anything else. Little things like her smile, the sparkle in her eyes when she gets excited about something, her energy, her passion and committment to her children, her determination when faced with a challenge or a threat, the very shape of her face, it all speaks volumes to me and all I can do is stare and marvel at the beauty, complexity and wonder of it all. I know how Soliari felt when reading Mozart's work and stood "staring through the cage of those meticulous pen strokes at an absolute beauty." The cage I see before me, though, is all made up of the actions I have taken to get here to where I am today.

I'll never understand this life. Not in all of the time I will spend on this Earth will I ever be able to put two and two together and come up with four. I've found the one that completes me... and know I'll never be completed.

I vow, that in my next life, I will find her and I will not fall into the same trap I have in this one. I am questioning my beliefs and my the ideals I've held for my entire life and finding that they don't hold as much weight with me any more. Because they were never really mine in the first place.

I hesitate to say it... but I think maybe she and I were meant to be soulmates. I feel at peace, calm and free with her. We seem to be able to turn each others' chaos into order for the most part. I'll have to finish this later. Too much on my mind and too tired.

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