Ask my mother, she'll tell you. Halloween is my favorite holiday. Always has been. My mother used to say that she thought it was my favorite because I could escape from who I was which was someone I didn't want to be. In truth, it's because I could choose who I wanted to be. I could let my true self show through. I think that, for those who truly celebrate it, that's the way it is. I don't have to think anymore about what I want to be for Halloween. A long time ago, I worked that out and then took it to the extreme and said, "If this is truly who I want to be, and life is as short as I've seen it to be... why not make it real?"
At one point, I let the past pull me into regret and remorse shame me into believing that what I had done was an offense to God and nature when in fact, it was simply me celebrating and using the very option that God and nature had offered! Yes, sometimes I feel like the main character in the story of Pinocchio, but that's okay because I know how that story ends. :)
I think Halloween gives us the opportunity to truly express who we are. It is a beautiful idea of unmasking the truth by "putting on a disguise." I think opposite day is finally coming to an end. :)
Trick or Treat,
Jenna
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Re-Invention
re·in·vent [ree-in-vent]
There are others in my life that have helped me get back to this point through other means... means that were probably intended for other purposes, but regardless the effect was achieved. The truth of my life balanced between the reality and the belief. Being able to see all the differences and yet no difference between the quality of one's life over another's. We are all creatures created out of Love and are all deserving of a beautiful and loving existence... regardless what it takes in our personal lives to get to where we need to be, what labels people will put on us or how they will try to justify themselves. I return to the Love that I felt years ago that told me it was alright, to be still, and know that I am loved. I return to the Love that gave me a purpose, a plan and a life filled with joy. I return to it with open arms that I might be re-invented and returned to the world brighter, smarter, happier, with more of the Love to share. Jenna v3.0.
So, now with that aside... a couple other things to report.
I'm still looking for a place to nest but I'm hoping to find that soon. My finances are shaky... but firming up. My spirits are beginning to lift again (obviously) ... and I'm apparently the "Cool Nerd King" according to the Nerd Test I took:
So... oh .. and today is apparently the All-You-Can-Eat Festival according to my list of holidays. I'm not sure where this is supposed to take place but if you find out, please let the rest of us know! I'm terribly sorry for skipping out on the holidays for a while too... I got a little depressed there for a while and didn't feel like taking a holiday (or giving any apparently). It's too bad too because there were some good ones like: perpetrator day, feast of the immaculate deception, euphemism day, unchecked aggression day, pantalones national holiday, false memory day, and yesterday was beginning of Spanking Week. So... spankings all around!
Peace,
Jenna
ɪnˈvɛnt–verb (used with object)
So yeah, it's a process of renewal and revitalization. It is where I'm at... it is where many have fought for me to be and have paid in more ways than one to help me get there. Someone who is very dear to me said to me once that all she ever wanted was to "see Jenna hold her head high and without shame for who she is." That person has paid many sacrifices in her life, has made so many hard choices and has made some of the most beautiful selfless moves I've ever witnessed. I pray God's love and blessings be with her and her family throughout their lives. She is truly one of the crown jewels.
1. to invent again or anew, esp. without knowing that the invention already exists.
2. to remake or make over, as in a different form: At 60, he reinvented himself as a volunteer. We have an opportunity to reinvent government.
3. to bring back; revive: to reinvent trust and accountability.
There are others in my life that have helped me get back to this point through other means... means that were probably intended for other purposes, but regardless the effect was achieved. The truth of my life balanced between the reality and the belief. Being able to see all the differences and yet no difference between the quality of one's life over another's. We are all creatures created out of Love and are all deserving of a beautiful and loving existence... regardless what it takes in our personal lives to get to where we need to be, what labels people will put on us or how they will try to justify themselves. I return to the Love that I felt years ago that told me it was alright, to be still, and know that I am loved. I return to the Love that gave me a purpose, a plan and a life filled with joy. I return to it with open arms that I might be re-invented and returned to the world brighter, smarter, happier, with more of the Love to share. Jenna v3.0.
So, now with that aside... a couple other things to report.
I'm still looking for a place to nest but I'm hoping to find that soon. My finances are shaky... but firming up. My spirits are beginning to lift again (obviously) ... and I'm apparently the "Cool Nerd King" according to the Nerd Test I took:
So... oh .. and today is apparently the All-You-Can-Eat Festival according to my list of holidays. I'm not sure where this is supposed to take place but if you find out, please let the rest of us know! I'm terribly sorry for skipping out on the holidays for a while too... I got a little depressed there for a while and didn't feel like taking a holiday (or giving any apparently). It's too bad too because there were some good ones like: perpetrator day, feast of the immaculate deception, euphemism day, unchecked aggression day, pantalones national holiday, false memory day, and yesterday was beginning of Spanking Week. So... spankings all around!
Peace,
Jenna
Monday, October 29, 2007
Just Watch
His name is Michael Hedges. The name of the song is "Aerial Boundaries." His distinctive 2-handed style picking is obvious in this video and was one of his trademarks. But his soul spoke through his music and knows how to reach other souls who feel the same. Michael once said that his music could not be categorized. "If I did have a formula, it would be one more limitation that I would have to deal with, and I'm not in this business to make limitations for myself," he said. "I'm in it to get high. That's what happens to me when I write music."
Watch and listen to this man perform. He isn't playing the instrument... he becomes the missing piece for that instrument. If you're interested in knowing more about this late great talent that ever-so-briefly touched our planet, check out his website.
Michael Hedges performs Aerial Boundaries at Windham Hill
Watch and listen to this man perform. He isn't playing the instrument... he becomes the missing piece for that instrument. If you're interested in knowing more about this late great talent that ever-so-briefly touched our planet, check out his website.
Michael Hedges performs Aerial Boundaries at Windham Hill
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Night vs. Day
So, I've had two different guys chatting with me online recently. First, there's the guy I met on soulgeek.com. He and I have been sharing about our interests in life and have been talking about the need for someone to dork out with, etc. He's 40 years old and has been pretty much what I need in a friend right now. I'm sure he's getting curious about me and how I've come to be where I am now, but he hasn't expressed it and has been more interested in sharing common interests. He wants to take me out to a movie this weekend. He offered to pay but I told him I didn't want that... friendships are often damaged severely (and sometimes irreparably) by money and I don't need any more of that. Hopefully he won't puff up and insist... I'll have to tell him no, then... which would suck because so far he's been really cool.
Then there's the other guy who just suddenly popped up on my instant messenger one day. For the past three days he's been blowing up my IM with more questions than the spanish inquisition. He wants to know all about me and I kept trying to tell him to slow down and relax and chill out... but he's focused and obsessed. Then I find out today, according to his own admission, that the only reason he's rushing it a bit is that he might be leaving Orlando soon and headed back to Chicago. Well, what was he expecting me to do? Follow him there? Companions are not an impulse buy, ya know. It takes time, patience, love and attention. I've had very good examples of what makes a good relationship. I've had good examples of what makes for a shitty relationship too... beginning to actually get 4 when I put 2 and 2 together now. I eventually just had to put the second guy on ignore because he was driving me crazy with questions and couldn't seem to understand that I was a) trying to work and b) didn't want to be interrogated about my life. I felt like I was being interviewed and that I was beginning to look like an easy target to him. The more they know, the easier it is for them to work out what it takes to get you to say yes. Yeah, I know it's sorta fucked up for me to say this now given my situation... after all I've had first-hand experience with this behavior... but at least I'm learning.
Currently, I'm reminding myself to be thankful for what I have and to be mindful of the promises I've made and the people I associate with. I'm not so quick to let things slide anymore and now I point out duplicity and cowardice in others' lives... it's easier having experienced it myself and knowing what it's done to me and my relationships with friends and loved ones... again I can really identify with some of Billy Joel's songs.
At any rate, like I said... the first guy seems to have his shit together so far. We'll see.
Then there's the other guy who just suddenly popped up on my instant messenger one day. For the past three days he's been blowing up my IM with more questions than the spanish inquisition. He wants to know all about me and I kept trying to tell him to slow down and relax and chill out... but he's focused and obsessed. Then I find out today, according to his own admission, that the only reason he's rushing it a bit is that he might be leaving Orlando soon and headed back to Chicago. Well, what was he expecting me to do? Follow him there? Companions are not an impulse buy, ya know. It takes time, patience, love and attention. I've had very good examples of what makes a good relationship. I've had good examples of what makes for a shitty relationship too... beginning to actually get 4 when I put 2 and 2 together now. I eventually just had to put the second guy on ignore because he was driving me crazy with questions and couldn't seem to understand that I was a) trying to work and b) didn't want to be interrogated about my life. I felt like I was being interviewed and that I was beginning to look like an easy target to him. The more they know, the easier it is for them to work out what it takes to get you to say yes. Yeah, I know it's sorta fucked up for me to say this now given my situation... after all I've had first-hand experience with this behavior... but at least I'm learning.
Currently, I'm reminding myself to be thankful for what I have and to be mindful of the promises I've made and the people I associate with. I'm not so quick to let things slide anymore and now I point out duplicity and cowardice in others' lives... it's easier having experienced it myself and knowing what it's done to me and my relationships with friends and loved ones... again I can really identify with some of Billy Joel's songs.
At any rate, like I said... the first guy seems to have his shit together so far. We'll see.
Billy Joel: Lyric Genius
So I've been listening to Bill Joel a lot lately. His music has been lifting my spirits and giving me motivation to keep going more than anything else right now. Here's a song by him that was hittin' me hard this morning:
You're having a hard time and lately you don't feel so good
You're getting a bad reputation in your neighborhood
It's alright, it's alright, sometimes that's what it takes
You're only human, you're allowed to make your share of mistakes
(You're only human, ooo-ooo)
You better believe there will be times in your life
When you'll be feeling like a stumbling fool
So take it from me you'll learn more from your accidents
Than anything that you could ever learn at school
Don't forget your second wind
Sooner or later you'll get your second wind
It's not always easy to be living in this world of pain
You're gonna be crashing into stone walls again and again
It's alright, it's alright, though you feel your heart break
You're only human, you're gonna have to deal with heartache
(You're only human, ooo-ooo)
Just like a boxer in a title fight
You got to walk in that ring all alone
You're not the only one who's made mistakes
But they're the only thing that you can truly call your own
Don't forget your second wind
Wait in that corner until that breeze blows in
You've been keeping to yourself these days
Cause you're thinking everything's gone wrong
Sometimes you just want to lay down and die
That emotion can be so strong
But hold on 'till that old second wind comes along
(You're only human, ooo-ooo)
You probably don't want to hear advice from someone else
But I wouldn't be telling you if I hadn't been there myself
It's alright, it's alright, sometimes that's all it takes
We're only human, we're supposed to make mistakes
(You're only human, ooo-ooo)
But I survived all those long lonely days
When it seemed I did not have a friend
Cause all I needed was a little faith
So I could catch my breath and face the world again
Don't forget your second wind
Sooner or later you'll feel that momentum kick in
(One more time!)
Don't forget your second wind
Sooner or later you'll feel that momentum kick in
Don't forget your second wind
(You're only human, ooo-ooo)
You're Only Human (Second Wind) Lyrics
Artist: Billy Joel
Artist: Billy Joel
You're having a hard time and lately you don't feel so good
You're getting a bad reputation in your neighborhood
It's alright, it's alright, sometimes that's what it takes
You're only human, you're allowed to make your share of mistakes
(You're only human, ooo-ooo)
You better believe there will be times in your life
When you'll be feeling like a stumbling fool
So take it from me you'll learn more from your accidents
Than anything that you could ever learn at school
Don't forget your second wind
Sooner or later you'll get your second wind
It's not always easy to be living in this world of pain
You're gonna be crashing into stone walls again and again
It's alright, it's alright, though you feel your heart break
You're only human, you're gonna have to deal with heartache
(You're only human, ooo-ooo)
Just like a boxer in a title fight
You got to walk in that ring all alone
You're not the only one who's made mistakes
But they're the only thing that you can truly call your own
Don't forget your second wind
Wait in that corner until that breeze blows in
You've been keeping to yourself these days
Cause you're thinking everything's gone wrong
Sometimes you just want to lay down and die
That emotion can be so strong
But hold on 'till that old second wind comes along
(You're only human, ooo-ooo)
You probably don't want to hear advice from someone else
But I wouldn't be telling you if I hadn't been there myself
It's alright, it's alright, sometimes that's all it takes
We're only human, we're supposed to make mistakes
(You're only human, ooo-ooo)
But I survived all those long lonely days
When it seemed I did not have a friend
Cause all I needed was a little faith
So I could catch my breath and face the world again
Don't forget your second wind
Sooner or later you'll feel that momentum kick in
(One more time!)
Don't forget your second wind
Sooner or later you'll feel that momentum kick in
Don't forget your second wind
(You're only human, ooo-ooo)
Good advice, Billy. Thanks. :)
Peace,
Jenna
Peace,
Jenna
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
A Buzzard Smiled In Radixx Square
Ever have one of those days? Maybe weeks of them? Months? Longer than that? I'll bet you have. Most of the people I know are going through those types of days these days, myself included.
I woke up this morning very tired after having stayed up most of the night soul-searching. I was pretty sure, back before my surgical transition, that the need for this was done. I had worked out what I needed to work out in order to be happy. My life was set and I knew my direction and goal. I think the problem is that I attained that goal with time to spare ... too much time. When one completes something, there is a natural transition into "Now What?"
So, I've been in a blah mood all day. This is the first time I've been "homeless" in about 15 years, which is when I moved to Florida from Indiana. I stayed with some friends for about 3 months and did what I could to help until it became obvious that we were better friends than roommates. Fortunately, we remained friends and I quickly got my act together and got my own place. It wasn't easy and it wasn't the greatest of places (Shadowwood Apartments in Sarasota), but it was cheap and available (sounds like some people I know).
I am re-learning some facts of life that I had conveniently forgotten once I became financially successful. The world became my oyster and the stars conspired for me, as far as I was concerned. I'm pretty sure this was part and parcel to my inability to keeping a circle of friends for any length of time. I have blamed others for these situations many times, but the bottom line is that, for me, being a good friend is squarely on my shoulders only. That doesn't always mean bailing someone out. Sometimes that means going the distance with them and sometimes that means letting them go through a hardship without my help. None of these are easy to do, actually.
Bailing someone out means to do what you can for them in sacrifice of your own self so that they might be better off and able to get back on their feet again with the added stability you've provided. This is rare and usually reserved for those that have no clue what to do with their ill-gotten gains.
Going the distance means no matter how bad it gets, always sticking with each other through the pain until it's all been released (not just numbed). It means truly experiencing the same situation with your friend even if you may not be together with them. This model is often found in best-friend relationships and usually found in marriages.
Letting them go is the hardest, I think. It means standing by and watching someone make mistakes that you know will hurt them but without that pain, they will never learn. It means knowing that the hardship will make them stronger by getting through it alone rather than with a guide or with help. This is typically the parent-to-child relationship but can also occur between friends or even lovers. It sucks, but it's what's necessary sometimes.
Anyway, back to the subject at hand. I've been very morose and down in the dumps with few reasons to keep me going. I've felt like a failure personally and professionally. This life doesn't come with a manual. It's hard to know when you're supposed to look out for yourself vs. look out for your friends and loved ones especially when part of that love is supposed to be tough love... I'm not very tough. Resilient perhaps, but tough.... no.
With so much despair in my life and few reasons to keep me going... I found that a smile from a buzzard was enough today to start my spirits lifting. It swooped down, landed on the square behind the building where I was having a smoke break, and began to strut around... seemingly interested in the windows (as if it were checking for weaknesses). Then it looked at me with it's sideways look and did a classic muppet smile. I had to laugh.
So this is obviously my own lesson, once again, to rebuild my faith. Faith is opposite of Sight ("Walk By Faith, Not By Sight") or Knoweldge. Knowing something doesn't require faith, and faith is what made the difference in my life before. For me to grow, I must be willing to give it all up or nothing will mean anything.
What you are reading now, is my open appeal to God... to take what He requires of me to be someone worthy of His name. He already knows my problems... He already knows my needs... He knows the desires of my heart that no person on this planet knows save for me. I do this not because I have no choice in the matter... but because I am tired of exercising that choice for myself. Every time I have put myself or others before His purposes, I have been led astray and my life and happiness have suffered.
So I give my service, talents and fortunes back to He who created me without reservation or regret for I know He will see me through, regardless of the situation.
Peace,
Jenna
I woke up this morning very tired after having stayed up most of the night soul-searching. I was pretty sure, back before my surgical transition, that the need for this was done. I had worked out what I needed to work out in order to be happy. My life was set and I knew my direction and goal. I think the problem is that I attained that goal with time to spare ... too much time. When one completes something, there is a natural transition into "Now What?"
So, I've been in a blah mood all day. This is the first time I've been "homeless" in about 15 years, which is when I moved to Florida from Indiana. I stayed with some friends for about 3 months and did what I could to help until it became obvious that we were better friends than roommates. Fortunately, we remained friends and I quickly got my act together and got my own place. It wasn't easy and it wasn't the greatest of places (Shadowwood Apartments in Sarasota), but it was cheap and available (sounds like some people I know).
I am re-learning some facts of life that I had conveniently forgotten once I became financially successful. The world became my oyster and the stars conspired for me, as far as I was concerned. I'm pretty sure this was part and parcel to my inability to keeping a circle of friends for any length of time. I have blamed others for these situations many times, but the bottom line is that, for me, being a good friend is squarely on my shoulders only. That doesn't always mean bailing someone out. Sometimes that means going the distance with them and sometimes that means letting them go through a hardship without my help. None of these are easy to do, actually.
Bailing someone out means to do what you can for them in sacrifice of your own self so that they might be better off and able to get back on their feet again with the added stability you've provided. This is rare and usually reserved for those that have no clue what to do with their ill-gotten gains.
Going the distance means no matter how bad it gets, always sticking with each other through the pain until it's all been released (not just numbed). It means truly experiencing the same situation with your friend even if you may not be together with them. This model is often found in best-friend relationships and usually found in marriages.
Letting them go is the hardest, I think. It means standing by and watching someone make mistakes that you know will hurt them but without that pain, they will never learn. It means knowing that the hardship will make them stronger by getting through it alone rather than with a guide or with help. This is typically the parent-to-child relationship but can also occur between friends or even lovers. It sucks, but it's what's necessary sometimes.
Anyway, back to the subject at hand. I've been very morose and down in the dumps with few reasons to keep me going. I've felt like a failure personally and professionally. This life doesn't come with a manual. It's hard to know when you're supposed to look out for yourself vs. look out for your friends and loved ones especially when part of that love is supposed to be tough love... I'm not very tough. Resilient perhaps, but tough.... no.
With so much despair in my life and few reasons to keep me going... I found that a smile from a buzzard was enough today to start my spirits lifting. It swooped down, landed on the square behind the building where I was having a smoke break, and began to strut around... seemingly interested in the windows (as if it were checking for weaknesses). Then it looked at me with it's sideways look and did a classic muppet smile. I had to laugh.
So this is obviously my own lesson, once again, to rebuild my faith. Faith is opposite of Sight ("Walk By Faith, Not By Sight") or Knoweldge. Knowing something doesn't require faith, and faith is what made the difference in my life before. For me to grow, I must be willing to give it all up or nothing will mean anything.
What you are reading now, is my open appeal to God... to take what He requires of me to be someone worthy of His name. He already knows my problems... He already knows my needs... He knows the desires of my heart that no person on this planet knows save for me. I do this not because I have no choice in the matter... but because I am tired of exercising that choice for myself. Every time I have put myself or others before His purposes, I have been led astray and my life and happiness have suffered.
So I give my service, talents and fortunes back to He who created me without reservation or regret for I know He will see me through, regardless of the situation.
Peace,
Jenna
Monday, October 22, 2007
A darkness stirring within
This weekend was my typical roller coaster again. I will be so happy once certain elements have been completed and I no longer have to deal with them.
Let's start with Friday. I took half the day off to start moving my things out of the house. I got about half of it moved out. The storage unit cost me $81 and change but it's paid for until December. I have to make sure I keep that going or all my memories will be lost. Friday night I stayed at the apartment and chilled out. I was pretty tired. The boys decided to go out to a club and I stayed home to watch TV. I watched Yellow Submarine and Pink Floyd the Wall.. Twink let me make copies of those. Actually, I only watched about half of PF before I assed out.
Saturday, I got up early and went to the house to finish packing up my things. I knew I had no way of getting the big stuff out of the house and so I chose to leave it all there. Besides, Twink was moving K in there so I figured I would leave the furniture there in case she needed something. I already knew my life was going to be a bit scattered for a while and so it didn't matter.
When I finished up, I went into the office to get my personal papers that were in there. About 30 seconds after I walked in there, David came in and said, "I'm sure you know why I'm here." I answered simply that I didn't and then he said, "I was sent here to watch you." That spun me into a realm of pissed off that I hadn't been in since I found out that Tim stole from me. For her to think that I would take something that doesn't belong to me absolutely blew my mind... after all I had done for her and her family. K walked in a little later to which I announced, "Would anyone else like to look through my personal papers to make sure I'm not taking anything that doesn't belong to me?!" She left. David sat there and said I would do the same thing. I don't think I would. Maybe I would. Maybe I've never felt like she feels. Maybe she's never felt the way I feel. I don't know. I'm just venting right now.
I let her go through the papers for PLUR Records and pull out anything that had her personal information on it. I tried to convince her that I would not compromise her in that way. All she did was throw it back in my face that I already had.
So the past is still very much alive in her... just as it is with all her previous friends that have made a mistake with her in her life that she can't forgive. It hurts me to see this. It hurts me to do this. But I feel like I have no choice now.
Saturday afternoon I met up with Cheryl and ended up going to her house in Inverness with her that night. I spent the night in a warm bed and took a hot shower the next day. She fed me and kept me company as I let out my worries. We watched some videos I brought and laughed and caught up on old times. I miss her a lot. She was a very good friend to me right when I needed it. I hope Twink has the same type of friend to lift her spirits. She needs that so desperately but doesn't want me to be that person.
Sunday I spent at the apartment I'm not paying for... well, that no-one is apparently paying for. My life is completely twisted and turned around and I simply can't find the way out this time. My head tells me to cut them off and let them sort it out while my heart says no, those who are innocent there do not deserve that. I don't mind being homeless. There's a certain type of freedom that comes along with that. But I can't stand ungrateful behavior for my sacrifice.
It will simply take time. And it will take years and years of time to get past this one. Until then, I am keeping my distance from emotional entanglements. Sadao feels the same way, or so he says. We talked last night and held each other until we fell asleep. Adversity creates strange bedfellows, I guess.
We may end up sleeping in our vehicles and getting a membership to a gym in order to shower. But we'll do whatever it takes. Sadao isn't altogether happy with my ideas for resolving the situation at the house... but he knows I won't let the innocents there be affected by the apparent war going on between Twink and I.
I can honestly say that I truly love Sadao. I understand him and I see what he sees. I can only hope that with time we will be able to rise out of all this shit and be better people for it. We may be poor people with no financial credit and barely two pennies to rub together. But we'll always have each other. As long as we can avoid the high-school bullshit, we should be alright.
There's a mobile home listed on craigslist.org for $8500 or $260/wk. That's something both Sadao and I could afford separately. I don't care where I live as long as it's drama free. I might just look into it myself regardless. He's been very responsible and has somehow managed to balance his needs with his wants. I know he just wants a nice place to live happily and drama free. I feel the same way. I know the mistakes I made last time and I won't let them happen again, that's for sure.
Aside from that, not much to report. I'm feeling a little better having vented all this and I think this is where I need to go first since it feels more like I'm venting to the world, or to God etc and getting out of my system without dealing with other people giving me advice and suggestions. I appreciate them, of course. But at the same time I don't. Maybe this is telling me something. Hmmm....
Let's start with Friday. I took half the day off to start moving my things out of the house. I got about half of it moved out. The storage unit cost me $81 and change but it's paid for until December. I have to make sure I keep that going or all my memories will be lost. Friday night I stayed at the apartment and chilled out. I was pretty tired. The boys decided to go out to a club and I stayed home to watch TV. I watched Yellow Submarine and Pink Floyd the Wall.. Twink let me make copies of those. Actually, I only watched about half of PF before I assed out.
Saturday, I got up early and went to the house to finish packing up my things. I knew I had no way of getting the big stuff out of the house and so I chose to leave it all there. Besides, Twink was moving K in there so I figured I would leave the furniture there in case she needed something. I already knew my life was going to be a bit scattered for a while and so it didn't matter.
When I finished up, I went into the office to get my personal papers that were in there. About 30 seconds after I walked in there, David came in and said, "I'm sure you know why I'm here." I answered simply that I didn't and then he said, "I was sent here to watch you." That spun me into a realm of pissed off that I hadn't been in since I found out that Tim stole from me. For her to think that I would take something that doesn't belong to me absolutely blew my mind... after all I had done for her and her family. K walked in a little later to which I announced, "Would anyone else like to look through my personal papers to make sure I'm not taking anything that doesn't belong to me?!" She left. David sat there and said I would do the same thing. I don't think I would. Maybe I would. Maybe I've never felt like she feels. Maybe she's never felt the way I feel. I don't know. I'm just venting right now.
I let her go through the papers for PLUR Records and pull out anything that had her personal information on it. I tried to convince her that I would not compromise her in that way. All she did was throw it back in my face that I already had.
So the past is still very much alive in her... just as it is with all her previous friends that have made a mistake with her in her life that she can't forgive. It hurts me to see this. It hurts me to do this. But I feel like I have no choice now.
Saturday afternoon I met up with Cheryl and ended up going to her house in Inverness with her that night. I spent the night in a warm bed and took a hot shower the next day. She fed me and kept me company as I let out my worries. We watched some videos I brought and laughed and caught up on old times. I miss her a lot. She was a very good friend to me right when I needed it. I hope Twink has the same type of friend to lift her spirits. She needs that so desperately but doesn't want me to be that person.
Sunday I spent at the apartment I'm not paying for... well, that no-one is apparently paying for. My life is completely twisted and turned around and I simply can't find the way out this time. My head tells me to cut them off and let them sort it out while my heart says no, those who are innocent there do not deserve that. I don't mind being homeless. There's a certain type of freedom that comes along with that. But I can't stand ungrateful behavior for my sacrifice.
It will simply take time. And it will take years and years of time to get past this one. Until then, I am keeping my distance from emotional entanglements. Sadao feels the same way, or so he says. We talked last night and held each other until we fell asleep. Adversity creates strange bedfellows, I guess.
We may end up sleeping in our vehicles and getting a membership to a gym in order to shower. But we'll do whatever it takes. Sadao isn't altogether happy with my ideas for resolving the situation at the house... but he knows I won't let the innocents there be affected by the apparent war going on between Twink and I.
I can honestly say that I truly love Sadao. I understand him and I see what he sees. I can only hope that with time we will be able to rise out of all this shit and be better people for it. We may be poor people with no financial credit and barely two pennies to rub together. But we'll always have each other. As long as we can avoid the high-school bullshit, we should be alright.
There's a mobile home listed on craigslist.org for $8500 or $260/wk. That's something both Sadao and I could afford separately. I don't care where I live as long as it's drama free. I might just look into it myself regardless. He's been very responsible and has somehow managed to balance his needs with his wants. I know he just wants a nice place to live happily and drama free. I feel the same way. I know the mistakes I made last time and I won't let them happen again, that's for sure.
Aside from that, not much to report. I'm feeling a little better having vented all this and I think this is where I need to go first since it feels more like I'm venting to the world, or to God etc and getting out of my system without dealing with other people giving me advice and suggestions. I appreciate them, of course. But at the same time I don't. Maybe this is telling me something. Hmmm....
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Today I Am Free
So, today I start a new chapter. I am keeping to myself in this journal now. Too many people know my business and interfere in my business. The one person who helped usher in beautiful change to my life has become estranged to me and my reality has fallen so far apart that I escape into fantasy as often as I can. I'm starting to more fully realize when I do this now and am beginning to make subtle (and drastic) changes in my life to rebuild that which I once had, ever so briefly.
Twink entered my life for a reason. Given that particular passage of human wisdom, I hope there are cases where reason, season and lifetime aren't necessary mutually exclusive. I hope that one can transition to another. But that will only be told through the annals of time immortal itself.
My tasks ahead are both easy and hard. Some are emotional, some are physical, some are mental and some are spiritual. Each category has both hard and easy tasks. Some will cut me to the quick. Some will be no-brainers. But this is life.... real life. I look forward to making these days ahead count for something. I just hope I'm picking the right horse. It feels like the right one in my bones. I'm at that crossroads again and I'm going the other way this time. It will be very lonely for a long time, I'm sure. But it will be an honest one.
I hope I can reach those I love somehow. Most will not understand and will look at me in disgust from what I've done. But I have to be honest with myself and with them and not fear their repercussions. I will deal with life as it comes no matter what happens. I give my life back to the God that formed me in my mothers' womb. I return to that which I was before the darkness took hold. About 25 years have been stolen from my service in Love. That stops here and now.
An easy task? No... but I never do anything small.
Twink entered my life for a reason. Given that particular passage of human wisdom, I hope there are cases where reason, season and lifetime aren't necessary mutually exclusive. I hope that one can transition to another. But that will only be told through the annals of time immortal itself.
My tasks ahead are both easy and hard. Some are emotional, some are physical, some are mental and some are spiritual. Each category has both hard and easy tasks. Some will cut me to the quick. Some will be no-brainers. But this is life.... real life. I look forward to making these days ahead count for something. I just hope I'm picking the right horse. It feels like the right one in my bones. I'm at that crossroads again and I'm going the other way this time. It will be very lonely for a long time, I'm sure. But it will be an honest one.
I hope I can reach those I love somehow. Most will not understand and will look at me in disgust from what I've done. But I have to be honest with myself and with them and not fear their repercussions. I will deal with life as it comes no matter what happens. I give my life back to the God that formed me in my mothers' womb. I return to that which I was before the darkness took hold. About 25 years have been stolen from my service in Love. That stops here and now.
An easy task? No... but I never do anything small.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Holiday Catch-Up and Other News
Yeah, I didn't post yesterday for good reasons tho. So I'll catch ya up on stuff today.
Yesterday, for those of you who weren't aware, was Moisture Awareness Day. Oddly enough, we had no rain. I hope y'all somehow managed to be aware that there was water like... in the air. Crazy, I know.
Today is one of my personal favorites. It's Out-Of-Body Day! Yes!! Finally a day to celebrate! Now if I can just figure out how to celebrate it I... oh wait... I know how. *evil grin*.
In other news... I'm irritated with black20.com They had no news segments last week at all. Not one! They better have one tomorrow or I will write a very sternly worded forum entry that will probably get deleted by an administrator... but darn it ... it will be stern...ly word...ed. yeah.
My life is about to get more interesting in even more ways soon, too. I'm not sure how much I'll blog about these life entries tho as they're kinda personal and people tend to have really vehement thoughts about my personal life so... I dunno how much I'll do about that.
I do feel like I found someone very special for my life tho. I've been on a power trip for a while now. The worst thing about power trips is when you don't even realize you're on them and no one seems to be getting through. Someone did. He saw it for what it was and called it out in a way I hadn't realized before. I'm seeing bits and pieces of the trip I was on fall away and am realizing the fullness of the grasp it held on my life. It appears the 2nd Act of my life is coming to a close and the 3rd Act is about to start. For a while, I wasn't sure I was gonna make it through the 2nd act... but by the grace of God and others, I'll manage.
The strange thing is that the acts seem to be reversed, compared to every other life I've observed. But that's okay... I'll write about it some day. Uhm... lol... nevermind, I guess I just did.
At any rate, I've got work to do and music to listen to.
Peace,
Jenna
Yesterday, for those of you who weren't aware, was Moisture Awareness Day. Oddly enough, we had no rain. I hope y'all somehow managed to be aware that there was water like... in the air. Crazy, I know.
Today is one of my personal favorites. It's Out-Of-Body Day! Yes!! Finally a day to celebrate! Now if I can just figure out how to celebrate it I... oh wait... I know how. *evil grin*.
In other news... I'm irritated with black20.com They had no news segments last week at all. Not one! They better have one tomorrow or I will write a very sternly worded forum entry that will probably get deleted by an administrator... but darn it ... it will be stern...ly word...ed. yeah.
My life is about to get more interesting in even more ways soon, too. I'm not sure how much I'll blog about these life entries tho as they're kinda personal and people tend to have really vehement thoughts about my personal life so... I dunno how much I'll do about that.
I do feel like I found someone very special for my life tho. I've been on a power trip for a while now. The worst thing about power trips is when you don't even realize you're on them and no one seems to be getting through. Someone did. He saw it for what it was and called it out in a way I hadn't realized before. I'm seeing bits and pieces of the trip I was on fall away and am realizing the fullness of the grasp it held on my life. It appears the 2nd Act of my life is coming to a close and the 3rd Act is about to start. For a while, I wasn't sure I was gonna make it through the 2nd act... but by the grace of God and others, I'll manage.
The strange thing is that the acts seem to be reversed, compared to every other life I've observed. But that's okay... I'll write about it some day. Uhm... lol... nevermind, I guess I just did.
At any rate, I've got work to do and music to listen to.
Peace,
Jenna
Monday, October 15, 2007
Mid-Life Bullsh*t
It's time to make a major change in my life for the betterment of all involved within it. I can not continue along this path anymore and I can not backtrack so I must forge a new road for myself. My patience has been worn thin and the first few holes in it have begun to form. It's been said to me that happiness is wanting what you have. Therefore unhappiness must be the opposite. In my opinion, that's rejecting what you have. It doesn't mean that what you have isn't good enough and you need more... it means that what you have isn't right... and it needs to change 100%.
There are some areas of my life where I find happiness. I find happiness with my friends and my interests. I find happiness (for the most part) at work. My friends always manage to lift my spirits out of the depths they tend to fall to. My interests keep me immersed in things that pass the time, educate me and give me a sense of personal accomplishment and satisfaction. My work fluctuates between interesting and majorly boring shit... but it puts a roof over my head and food in my belly. Which is exactly what it's there for.
I have been at this crossroads before and each time I've chosen to keep on the path I've been on getting more and more damaged each time I come around. Is it physical? No... it's mental, spiritual, emotional and financial. I'm not willing to go down that road another time. What I saw on this go-a-round was worse than anything I've ever seen and I won't risk another trip. For my sake and for the sake of my friends, it's time to change directions.
There are some areas of my life where I find happiness. I find happiness with my friends and my interests. I find happiness (for the most part) at work. My friends always manage to lift my spirits out of the depths they tend to fall to. My interests keep me immersed in things that pass the time, educate me and give me a sense of personal accomplishment and satisfaction. My work fluctuates between interesting and majorly boring shit... but it puts a roof over my head and food in my belly. Which is exactly what it's there for.
I have been at this crossroads before and each time I've chosen to keep on the path I've been on getting more and more damaged each time I come around. Is it physical? No... it's mental, spiritual, emotional and financial. I'm not willing to go down that road another time. What I saw on this go-a-round was worse than anything I've ever seen and I won't risk another trip. For my sake and for the sake of my friends, it's time to change directions.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
It must be me
Sure enough, the moment I say that I'm not going to post on the weekend, it turns out that I'm going to post after all. Figures don't it?
So yesterday was annoying. I was on the emotional rollercoaster and I was it's bitch. Fortunately, today, it seems we're at the top of the hill and starting to race down the other side (which is the fun part). *sigh* There are good days and there are bad days. I'm glad today's a good day.
I took Sadao down to get his vehicle today. He's mobile now... thank God! It was good to see his dad again (who had another huge pile of food for him). After that, we hooked up with Brian and had lunch at the park... fed the geese. Then we went to where Brian was living and I met a girl that had been to one of my parties... my New Years Eve party, to be precise. I didn't feel bad for not remembering her when I realized the circumstances I had met her. There were 60 to 70 people in my house at any given time throughout the entire night... and that was with people coming and going. It was quite the evening.
At any rate, we traded numbers and I met her young son, Jacob, who is absolutely adorable. I got to play with him and do magic with him. It was a fun day.
Now, I'm home and Jim and Laura are here. Pizza, breakbeats and alcohol. It could prove to be an interesting night. One can only hope. :)
More later.
Peace,
Jenna
So yesterday was annoying. I was on the emotional rollercoaster and I was it's bitch. Fortunately, today, it seems we're at the top of the hill and starting to race down the other side (which is the fun part). *sigh* There are good days and there are bad days. I'm glad today's a good day.
I took Sadao down to get his vehicle today. He's mobile now... thank God! It was good to see his dad again (who had another huge pile of food for him). After that, we hooked up with Brian and had lunch at the park... fed the geese. Then we went to where Brian was living and I met a girl that had been to one of my parties... my New Years Eve party, to be precise. I didn't feel bad for not remembering her when I realized the circumstances I had met her. There were 60 to 70 people in my house at any given time throughout the entire night... and that was with people coming and going. It was quite the evening.
At any rate, we traded numbers and I met her young son, Jacob, who is absolutely adorable. I got to play with him and do magic with him. It was a fun day.
Now, I'm home and Jim and Laura are here. Pizza, breakbeats and alcohol. It could prove to be an interesting night. One can only hope. :)
More later.
Peace,
Jenna
Friday, October 12, 2007
Weekend Holidays
Well, since I probably wont post this weekend... here they are:
Saturday is Frito Day!
And what a fabulous way to celebrate a Saturday, in my humble opinion. Go stuff yourself with corn-based snack foods.
Sunday is the first day of Superiority Complex Week!
I know, it sounds like something we shouldn't celebrate but heck, why not? Are we not homo-superior? Or is that the X-Men? Either way, there's no reason not to celebrate it unless you put stock in what others say about not being superior. But then... if we all celebrate it... I guess no one is superior after all. Funny that.
Have a good weekend y'all. :)
Peace,
Jenna
Saturday is Frito Day!
And what a fabulous way to celebrate a Saturday, in my humble opinion. Go stuff yourself with corn-based snack foods.
Sunday is the first day of Superiority Complex Week!
I know, it sounds like something we shouldn't celebrate but heck, why not? Are we not homo-superior? Or is that the X-Men? Either way, there's no reason not to celebrate it unless you put stock in what others say about not being superior. But then... if we all celebrate it... I guess no one is superior after all. Funny that.
Have a good weekend y'all. :)
Peace,
Jenna
My Big Mouth
So... here's another "this could only happen to me" moment.
At work there's this girl named Beth. She's adorable. She's pleasantly plump, has a great smile and lovely personality. Sweetest girl in the world type of person.
I went outside for a smoke and she was sitting out there with Nikki. We starting talking about the weather and how wonderful it is today and Beth mentioned that she hadn't taken her sweater off. I said she still could. She responded saying that she was already outside now.
Now, you have to understand... this is like waving a red flag in front of a bull with me. I said, "How does it feel to live under such rules, restrictions and guidelines?" She replied, "Yeah and I do it to myself! I guess it's more laziness." I of course responded with "And the truth shall set you free!" We had a giggle about it but I apparently couldn't just let it sit there. No no ... not me.
She moved on to say, "Well if you can't be honest with yourself, you got a problem." I said, "Yeah. We have the choice I guess to either be honest with ourselves or just be fat, dumb and happy." WHOOPS!
I felt a chill. She smiled... and was finishing her cigarette. I tried to cover with something about sometimes it's difficult to choose between doing something or just saying screw it. She nodded, put out her smoke and went inside. I thought to myself, "Gawd! I'm such an asshole!" Of course, there's no telling what she was really thinking about what I said. I wasn't trying to be an asshole... it's just a phrase meaning "to be comfortable in one's situation without feeling the need to change it." I knew that me going to her to ask for forgiveness would be futile because that would shine a light on my own self-conflict about worrying that she was hurt vs. knowing she knew what I was really saying. So there I sat laughing at myself.
Oh well, what can I say. We let honesty hurt us sometimes rather than make us giggle. I'm a grown self-mutliated male trying (poorly I might add) trying to pass for female in this world. But I know myself pretty well and can giggle at it. I mean no disrespect... I simply laugh at the class system we create for ourselves and say, "what's this all about anyway... do we really need this? ... does being or looking one way or another really make a difference?" Not really. Let's get over ourselves already and have some fun, okay?
Peace,
Jenna
At work there's this girl named Beth. She's adorable. She's pleasantly plump, has a great smile and lovely personality. Sweetest girl in the world type of person.
I went outside for a smoke and she was sitting out there with Nikki. We starting talking about the weather and how wonderful it is today and Beth mentioned that she hadn't taken her sweater off. I said she still could. She responded saying that she was already outside now.
Now, you have to understand... this is like waving a red flag in front of a bull with me. I said, "How does it feel to live under such rules, restrictions and guidelines?" She replied, "Yeah and I do it to myself! I guess it's more laziness." I of course responded with "And the truth shall set you free!" We had a giggle about it but I apparently couldn't just let it sit there. No no ... not me.
She moved on to say, "Well if you can't be honest with yourself, you got a problem." I said, "Yeah. We have the choice I guess to either be honest with ourselves or just be fat, dumb and happy." WHOOPS!
I felt a chill. She smiled... and was finishing her cigarette. I tried to cover with something about sometimes it's difficult to choose between doing something or just saying screw it. She nodded, put out her smoke and went inside. I thought to myself, "Gawd! I'm such an asshole!" Of course, there's no telling what she was really thinking about what I said. I wasn't trying to be an asshole... it's just a phrase meaning "to be comfortable in one's situation without feeling the need to change it." I knew that me going to her to ask for forgiveness would be futile because that would shine a light on my own self-conflict about worrying that she was hurt vs. knowing she knew what I was really saying. So there I sat laughing at myself.
Oh well, what can I say. We let honesty hurt us sometimes rather than make us giggle. I'm a grown self-mutliated male trying (poorly I might add) trying to pass for female in this world. But I know myself pretty well and can giggle at it. I mean no disrespect... I simply laugh at the class system we create for ourselves and say, "what's this all about anyway... do we really need this? ... does being or looking one way or another really make a difference?" Not really. Let's get over ourselves already and have some fun, okay?
Peace,
Jenna
Placebo Day
Good morning y'all. Today is Placebo Day. However, from the statistics I've seen, 73% of those that were exposed to real days responded well as opposed to 27% of those who were given a placebo. *wink*
Yeah, what the heck is with placebos anyway? (It's pronounced plah-see-bow, Betty) Anyway, it's kinda silly. "We're going to test you all on this new medication for the deadly disease you have. Half of you will get the real thing... the other half will get a placebo. You won't know which one you're getting, though. Good luck."
I wonder if they've ever done psychological studies on these people to find out which ones had positive frames of mind versus negative ones. "Let your mind go, and your body will follow." You see, I still believe that there's nothing that one's body can't accomplish with a mind dedicated to doing something. Sometimes we just have trouble convincing our minds to believe in it.
At any rate... have a good day (whether it be real or not) and don't think about the fact that this wasn't a real entry today. *wink*
Peace,
Jenna
Yeah, what the heck is with placebos anyway? (It's pronounced plah-see-bow, Betty) Anyway, it's kinda silly. "We're going to test you all on this new medication for the deadly disease you have. Half of you will get the real thing... the other half will get a placebo. You won't know which one you're getting, though. Good luck."
I wonder if they've ever done psychological studies on these people to find out which ones had positive frames of mind versus negative ones. "Let your mind go, and your body will follow." You see, I still believe that there's nothing that one's body can't accomplish with a mind dedicated to doing something. Sometimes we just have trouble convincing our minds to believe in it.
At any rate... have a good day (whether it be real or not) and don't think about the fact that this wasn't a real entry today. *wink*
Peace,
Jenna
Thursday, October 11, 2007
D-U-M-B
Alright then. Here's something for you to chew on:
Officer Suing Family Placed On Leave
So, the jist is this. Toddler falls into pool. Family present at the time doesn't react to the situation other than to call 911. Officer arrives and gets toddler out of pool. Officer slips and fractures her knee at family's house. Toddler now brain-damaged, requires round-the-clock care. Officer sues family for negligence.
The family is begging the officer to withdraw the lawsuit saying they have enough to deal with. The officer is saying that had they taken the proper precautions, she would never had to have been there in the first place to fracture her knee.
These are the facts. They are undisputed. But who should be awarded preferential treatment for these actions? It's a philosophical debate at best. The officer has a point that had the family taken precautions (or had acted like family and kept the child from falling in or had fished him out themselves) she wouldn't have been there. The family's plight is sad considering the child's condition and now the lawsuit. They have enough to deal with without the lawsuit. The concept of "protect and serve" comes to mind regarding officers. But it's a job. It's work. It's something they get PAID for.
In truth, I would think a better idea would be that all those involved in the saving of a life should come together out of love for life and say, "Let's work together to heal both our wounds out of general human love and respect." Yeah... pipe-dream that is... but it would be so much better in my opinion. But then, it's not a war and peace isn't very interesting is it?
Do you take a side? Or do you wanna slap them both?
Peace,
Jenna
Officer Suing Family Placed On Leave
So, the jist is this. Toddler falls into pool. Family present at the time doesn't react to the situation other than to call 911. Officer arrives and gets toddler out of pool. Officer slips and fractures her knee at family's house. Toddler now brain-damaged, requires round-the-clock care. Officer sues family for negligence.
The family is begging the officer to withdraw the lawsuit saying they have enough to deal with. The officer is saying that had they taken the proper precautions, she would never had to have been there in the first place to fracture her knee.
These are the facts. They are undisputed. But who should be awarded preferential treatment for these actions? It's a philosophical debate at best. The officer has a point that had the family taken precautions (or had acted like family and kept the child from falling in or had fished him out themselves) she wouldn't have been there. The family's plight is sad considering the child's condition and now the lawsuit. They have enough to deal with without the lawsuit. The concept of "protect and serve" comes to mind regarding officers. But it's a job. It's work. It's something they get PAID for.
In truth, I would think a better idea would be that all those involved in the saving of a life should come together out of love for life and say, "Let's work together to heal both our wounds out of general human love and respect." Yeah... pipe-dream that is... but it would be so much better in my opinion. But then, it's not a war and peace isn't very interesting is it?
Do you take a side? Or do you wanna slap them both?
Peace,
Jenna
And... I'm Spent
Well, I think I'm just about back to normal now (normal for me, anyway). I had a date last night. I met this gentleman on the internet through a transsexual dating site. I figured, what the heck, I'll give it a shot. He seemed very nice, was older than me (by about 16 years) and more than likely had been through the bullshit of life's ordeals enough to know what he wants and what he's looking for in life so as not to ascribe meaning or ritual to anything. Yeah... well, apparently that affliction can last longer than expected.
He was very sweet and very gentlemanly... too much so, actually. I think the biggest problem I had with the whole evening was that it felt staged. It felt like a play-date, basically. I figured out within about 5 to 10 minutes that we had very little in common that was going to carry a conversation which brought about feelings of dread. He wanted to buy my drinks and food and I was uncomfortable with that. He kept standing when I would stand, try to push in my chair, etc. Yes, it's very old school gentlemanly and there is NOTHING wrong with that... if that's the type of lady one is... I am not that lady... not anymore.
Don't get me wrong here... he's a sweet man and I think he's very lonely. But the conversation seemed forced and we seemed to stumble around throughout the night, desperately grasping at topics of conversation. I truly should have known this from the get-go, to be honest.
Meeting someone on the internet is not so different from meeting them in real life, to be honest. You'll know within a few moments whether or not they're real for you. All I can do in my respect is to give examples in my life so here it is.
1) The Love Machine. This particular specimen likes to discuss their sexual prowess and zest for love in life. They might discuss other things to show that they're not a complete sexual compulsive, but typically you know how the conversation is going to go. This is usually someone who is not getting laid on a regular basis and their hormones are still raging. I've been ... and been with this type of person before. These days, I look for more depth with the understanding that the fun part of intimacy will come naturally when it does. I don't need it thrown in my face, thank you very much. I always cringe inside when I find myself in that role with someone who can't tell that I'm joking. It strains friendships and can sometimes break them. But I am just as human as the next person... so although I know I don't want this, nor do I want to be this... I understand it.
2) The Ritualist. This is the kind that needs things to mean something or must follow a certain set of rules in life for reasons that do not necessarily make sense from a "good living" perspective. As if this life has a grander purpose than just living it, procreating (or not) and dying. I have no concrete proof of this particular idea. I have faith, but I refuse to let my faith become a banner to rally around for a cause that ultimately MUST have an opposing side. This creates argument, division, conflict and eventually a full-blown war. Although these can be fun to act-out and play... they have no use in our day-to-day lives, in my opinion. If war is brought to you... then you should respond in whatever way brings about peace... even if it means war. But it would be nice to see that particular path be avoided as much as possible. Best way to do that is to throw out the meanings, the beliefs, the purposes and just "let it be." Just like the love machine, I've been and been with this stereotype as well. Again, nothing I'm interested in repeating.
3) The Wallflower. Now this person can't seem to let themselves express themselves very well. They want to... SO badly... but they're afraid that their actions might be construed by some as being just weird enough that they're an excellent target for mental, emotional or physical abuse. Their own lack of confidence and self-esteem stifles their creativity and silences what may be the most beautiful voice of all in the chorus we call life. Sometimes they can be convinced to coming out of their shell... but that shell still remains until they themselves destroy it with confidence and bravado the likes of which they've never seen in themselves. It can open the door to becoming a ritualist or a love machine or (in some cases) the next type. Something far worse can happen too though. If they perceive themselves as being judged undesirable by the very souls that had brought them out of the shell in the first place... that shell then beckons them back in to a warm, inviting and familiar place where they feel safe and secure. The only saving grace in this is that eventually, they will come to terms with how they feel and will come out of the shell on their own. But that trip back can feel pretty devastating. Again, I can only report those feelings that I personally have experienced either myself or through others... and therefore can safely say that I understand this behavior too.
4) The Adventurer. This is, by far, my favorite... however it's a tricky mix. This one has a zest for life in all of the facets and forms it comes in. If it's work, they put their all into and reap the benefits with gladness. If it's play, they party hard and celebrate the life given to them. If it's travel, there's no place that's been previously discovered (as far as their concerned). If it's personal relationships, it's about fun and freedom in creativity and diversity. Life for the adventurer is something to be savored and enjoyed. But, like I said, it's a tricky mix. These people are not out to hurt anyone specifically. People tend to allow themselves to be hurt simply by wanting or expecting more than the adventurer is willing to give. The adventurer is a free-spirit that can not be caged and should not be caged. The adventurer wants everyone to feel the same rush of life without fear, without control and without purpose other than the enjoyment it can bring. It's about the experience and nothing more.
I am, currently, sortof a combination of these archetypes. I'm mostly the adventurer... looking for other adventurers to have fun with. However, if I feel chemistry between myself and another, I may accidentally slip into one of the first two roles. With true adventurers, this will lead to a rejection (sometimes in a massive way) which can push me right into wallflower mode until I get tired of the shell and bust my way out again. This entry finds me learning about a new archetype which I'm dying to discover for myself.
5) The Realist. In the past, I've typically referred to a realist as the same thing as a pessimist. But this is not necessarily so. I firmly believe that a realist can have an optimistic nature. I think someone who is real truly understands that what matters in this world is not what we have but what we do with what we have. Is it for a greater good or not? A greater good doesn't have to mean greater for the world... it could simply be greater for YOUR world. The realist accepts themselves and their flaws and recognizes the similarities in the differences between people. "Yes, you're different from me... but in a very similar way." They relate without judging. They live without remorse or regret. They find ways to make their life as reasonable as possible given the circumstances they're in. Like the Love Machine, they're very passionate... but that passion is about love, not sex. Like the ritualist, they understand unity... but unification of ideas, not beliefs. Like the wallflower, they understand peace... but peace of mind, not isolation. Like the adventurer, they understand living life to the fullest... but with the respect that others may not be on the same page as they are yet.
I'm beginning to understand and incorporate these concepts into my life, little by little. I make my mistakes and I pay for them just as everyone else does. Sometimes the price is high and it takes time to pay off the debt completely. Given enough time, all will be well again and I'll be on the right track again for my own life. Until then... I'll keep weathering the storm until it's done. After the rain comes the sun.
Peace,
Jenna
He was very sweet and very gentlemanly... too much so, actually. I think the biggest problem I had with the whole evening was that it felt staged. It felt like a play-date, basically. I figured out within about 5 to 10 minutes that we had very little in common that was going to carry a conversation which brought about feelings of dread. He wanted to buy my drinks and food and I was uncomfortable with that. He kept standing when I would stand, try to push in my chair, etc. Yes, it's very old school gentlemanly and there is NOTHING wrong with that... if that's the type of lady one is... I am not that lady... not anymore.
Don't get me wrong here... he's a sweet man and I think he's very lonely. But the conversation seemed forced and we seemed to stumble around throughout the night, desperately grasping at topics of conversation. I truly should have known this from the get-go, to be honest.
Meeting someone on the internet is not so different from meeting them in real life, to be honest. You'll know within a few moments whether or not they're real for you. All I can do in my respect is to give examples in my life so here it is.
1) The Love Machine. This particular specimen likes to discuss their sexual prowess and zest for love in life. They might discuss other things to show that they're not a complete sexual compulsive, but typically you know how the conversation is going to go. This is usually someone who is not getting laid on a regular basis and their hormones are still raging. I've been ... and been with this type of person before. These days, I look for more depth with the understanding that the fun part of intimacy will come naturally when it does. I don't need it thrown in my face, thank you very much. I always cringe inside when I find myself in that role with someone who can't tell that I'm joking. It strains friendships and can sometimes break them. But I am just as human as the next person... so although I know I don't want this, nor do I want to be this... I understand it.
2) The Ritualist. This is the kind that needs things to mean something or must follow a certain set of rules in life for reasons that do not necessarily make sense from a "good living" perspective. As if this life has a grander purpose than just living it, procreating (or not) and dying. I have no concrete proof of this particular idea. I have faith, but I refuse to let my faith become a banner to rally around for a cause that ultimately MUST have an opposing side. This creates argument, division, conflict and eventually a full-blown war. Although these can be fun to act-out and play... they have no use in our day-to-day lives, in my opinion. If war is brought to you... then you should respond in whatever way brings about peace... even if it means war. But it would be nice to see that particular path be avoided as much as possible. Best way to do that is to throw out the meanings, the beliefs, the purposes and just "let it be." Just like the love machine, I've been and been with this stereotype as well. Again, nothing I'm interested in repeating.
3) The Wallflower. Now this person can't seem to let themselves express themselves very well. They want to... SO badly... but they're afraid that their actions might be construed by some as being just weird enough that they're an excellent target for mental, emotional or physical abuse. Their own lack of confidence and self-esteem stifles their creativity and silences what may be the most beautiful voice of all in the chorus we call life. Sometimes they can be convinced to coming out of their shell... but that shell still remains until they themselves destroy it with confidence and bravado the likes of which they've never seen in themselves. It can open the door to becoming a ritualist or a love machine or (in some cases) the next type. Something far worse can happen too though. If they perceive themselves as being judged undesirable by the very souls that had brought them out of the shell in the first place... that shell then beckons them back in to a warm, inviting and familiar place where they feel safe and secure. The only saving grace in this is that eventually, they will come to terms with how they feel and will come out of the shell on their own. But that trip back can feel pretty devastating. Again, I can only report those feelings that I personally have experienced either myself or through others... and therefore can safely say that I understand this behavior too.
4) The Adventurer. This is, by far, my favorite... however it's a tricky mix. This one has a zest for life in all of the facets and forms it comes in. If it's work, they put their all into and reap the benefits with gladness. If it's play, they party hard and celebrate the life given to them. If it's travel, there's no place that's been previously discovered (as far as their concerned). If it's personal relationships, it's about fun and freedom in creativity and diversity. Life for the adventurer is something to be savored and enjoyed. But, like I said, it's a tricky mix. These people are not out to hurt anyone specifically. People tend to allow themselves to be hurt simply by wanting or expecting more than the adventurer is willing to give. The adventurer is a free-spirit that can not be caged and should not be caged. The adventurer wants everyone to feel the same rush of life without fear, without control and without purpose other than the enjoyment it can bring. It's about the experience and nothing more.
I am, currently, sortof a combination of these archetypes. I'm mostly the adventurer... looking for other adventurers to have fun with. However, if I feel chemistry between myself and another, I may accidentally slip into one of the first two roles. With true adventurers, this will lead to a rejection (sometimes in a massive way) which can push me right into wallflower mode until I get tired of the shell and bust my way out again. This entry finds me learning about a new archetype which I'm dying to discover for myself.
5) The Realist. In the past, I've typically referred to a realist as the same thing as a pessimist. But this is not necessarily so. I firmly believe that a realist can have an optimistic nature. I think someone who is real truly understands that what matters in this world is not what we have but what we do with what we have. Is it for a greater good or not? A greater good doesn't have to mean greater for the world... it could simply be greater for YOUR world. The realist accepts themselves and their flaws and recognizes the similarities in the differences between people. "Yes, you're different from me... but in a very similar way." They relate without judging. They live without remorse or regret. They find ways to make their life as reasonable as possible given the circumstances they're in. Like the Love Machine, they're very passionate... but that passion is about love, not sex. Like the ritualist, they understand unity... but unification of ideas, not beliefs. Like the wallflower, they understand peace... but peace of mind, not isolation. Like the adventurer, they understand living life to the fullest... but with the respect that others may not be on the same page as they are yet.
I'm beginning to understand and incorporate these concepts into my life, little by little. I make my mistakes and I pay for them just as everyone else does. Sometimes the price is high and it takes time to pay off the debt completely. Given enough time, all will be well again and I'll be on the right track again for my own life. Until then... I'll keep weathering the storm until it's done. After the rain comes the sun.
Peace,
Jenna
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
∞
So... yet another computer professional makes their way from one gender to another. Michael Wallent
This revelation has a very unsettling side-effect though. It has made me question the value of living life in the shell I'm in. Not that I'm ready to quit quite yet. Don't get all squirrelly thinking that I'm suicidal... far from it. What I mean is... it has made me wonder what it is that I'm doing or supposed to be doing? Lately I've been feeling very ineffectual... at work, at home, in my music, in my personal relationships... it's as if all that I do bears no meaning and therefore has no intrinsic value. It becomes a waste of time and I can not stand waste. I've fought for so long to destroy "meaning and purpose" since it has created division between peoples. The "this means that and that is bad" or "this is good and we must defend it" mentalities, etc. But when one looks at the same situation from the opposing viewpoint, it becomes clear that given the opportunity to experience life from that viewpoint, the mentality shifts in the exact opposite direction but with the same intensity... therefore they are truly one and the same.
So what is the real truth? Should we keep meaning and purpose to help define our lives and make us productive and keep life going or should we resolve our differences and become one people (or perhaps one person) again? I feel I have asked this question before, many many years ago... perhaps even before I was born on this planet (if you believe in that sort of thing... I do). I tend to lean toward the idea that people should be allowed to be who they want to be and do what they want to do. The unfortunate side-effect of that is that some will want to rule, control, dominate, cleanse, purify, change and destroy others that do not agree with their way of thinking.
This inevitably brings me again to the concept of unity among people from an energetic standpoint. Is that possible? Is it possible for everyone to let go of self long enough that everyone can come together and be one in the spirit of unity? It's not going to work unless we ALL do it. Maybe it just takes time to get everyone on the same page. Question is...how much time does it take? Should we destroy those that choose to not follow the path of unity? Is that not what our lives are like anyway? We remove people from our lives that do not mesh well with our philosophy in life. Sometimes, this is EXTREMELY painful, especially if they've had a large impact on our lives.
True unity, in my opinion, REQUIRES the ability to step outside and look at life from an impersonal perspective. If we are always looking at life through our own eyes, it will always be colored that way. Of course, the part that always bakes my noodle is that the very concept I'm describing is, in and of itself, a "stance" on the subject. I have touted the immeasurable value of stepping outside the box and looking at life, and yet that, in and of itself, is now defined within a box itself. Yeah... escaping infinity is like an immortal being trying to commit suicide... the one thing it can't do and therefore longs for it since it can't do it. Why? Because it'd actually be something different for a change.
So, in that respect... I guess one could say that life feels like a VERY LONG acid trip. I think I just need something to believe in again. Oof... deja-vu again. Whoever said an education is a good thing didn't know what they were talking about. Ignorance truly is bliss and peace of mind is highly underrated.
On another subject... today's holiday is Snub Day apparently. The humor in this is that in order for us to all be able to celebrate this holiday, we must do completely the opposite of celebrating it together. How can I help you celebrate Snub Day without snubbing you and your stupid little celebration? And yet by that very act, we are unified in snubbing. It hurts the head. Truly... because now I need some Advil.
Peace,
Jenna
(My mother has told me on many occasions that my grandfather used to call me Michael W all the time when I was a baby.) of Microsoft will become Megan. I wish her all the best. It's not an easy road from any aspect... take it from me. I had no idea how much of the veneer of this life would be stripped away when I started this journey. When we start messing with the fundamentals of life itself, we begin to see the truth and beauty behind all that it is built on and it's terrifying and beautiful all at the same time. I wish I could articulate it better than I usually manage. It's not that I see this life from two different aspects... It's more like I see it from the outside looking in. The commonalities and the differences combine and become the exact same thing. The more I experience, the more I realize there are no real differences and there is nothing to compare because on a pure energy level, it is all the same.
This revelation has a very unsettling side-effect though. It has made me question the value of living life in the shell I'm in. Not that I'm ready to quit quite yet. Don't get all squirrelly thinking that I'm suicidal... far from it. What I mean is... it has made me wonder what it is that I'm doing or supposed to be doing? Lately I've been feeling very ineffectual... at work, at home, in my music, in my personal relationships... it's as if all that I do bears no meaning and therefore has no intrinsic value. It becomes a waste of time and I can not stand waste. I've fought for so long to destroy "meaning and purpose" since it has created division between peoples. The "this means that and that is bad" or "this is good and we must defend it" mentalities, etc. But when one looks at the same situation from the opposing viewpoint, it becomes clear that given the opportunity to experience life from that viewpoint, the mentality shifts in the exact opposite direction but with the same intensity... therefore they are truly one and the same.
So what is the real truth? Should we keep meaning and purpose to help define our lives and make us productive and keep life going or should we resolve our differences and become one people (or perhaps one person) again? I feel I have asked this question before, many many years ago... perhaps even before I was born on this planet (if you believe in that sort of thing... I do). I tend to lean toward the idea that people should be allowed to be who they want to be and do what they want to do. The unfortunate side-effect of that is that some will want to rule, control, dominate, cleanse, purify, change and destroy others that do not agree with their way of thinking.
This inevitably brings me again to the concept of unity among people from an energetic standpoint. Is that possible? Is it possible for everyone to let go of self long enough that everyone can come together and be one in the spirit of unity? It's not going to work unless we ALL do it. Maybe it just takes time to get everyone on the same page. Question is...how much time does it take? Should we destroy those that choose to not follow the path of unity? Is that not what our lives are like anyway? We remove people from our lives that do not mesh well with our philosophy in life. Sometimes, this is EXTREMELY painful, especially if they've had a large impact on our lives.
True unity, in my opinion, REQUIRES the ability to step outside and look at life from an impersonal perspective. If we are always looking at life through our own eyes, it will always be colored that way. Of course, the part that always bakes my noodle is that the very concept I'm describing is, in and of itself, a "stance" on the subject. I have touted the immeasurable value of stepping outside the box and looking at life, and yet that, in and of itself, is now defined within a box itself. Yeah... escaping infinity is like an immortal being trying to commit suicide... the one thing it can't do and therefore longs for it since it can't do it. Why? Because it'd actually be something different for a change.
So, in that respect... I guess one could say that life feels like a VERY LONG acid trip. I think I just need something to believe in again. Oof... deja-vu again. Whoever said an education is a good thing didn't know what they were talking about. Ignorance truly is bliss and peace of mind is highly underrated.
On another subject... today's holiday is Snub Day apparently. The humor in this is that in order for us to all be able to celebrate this holiday, we must do completely the opposite of celebrating it together. How can I help you celebrate Snub Day without snubbing you and your stupid little celebration? And yet by that very act, we are unified in snubbing. It hurts the head. Truly... because now I need some Advil.
Not Over Yet (Perfecto Mix) by Grace and Glory
Oooh....
I'll live for you
I'd die for you
Do what you want me to
I'll cry for you
My tears will show
That I can't let you go
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
You still want me, don't you
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
Cos I can see through you
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
Don't let me down
Don't make a sound
Don't throw it all away
Remember me
So tenderly
Don't let it slip away
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
You still want me, don't you
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
Cos I can see through you
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
Ooooh...
Yeahh...
I'll live for you
I'd die for you
Do what you want me to
I'll cry for you
My tears will show
That I can't let you go
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
You still want me, don't you
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
Cos I can see through you
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
You still want me, don't you
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
Cos I can see through you
(Yeahh)
I'll live for you
I'd die for you
Do what you want me to
I'll cry for you
My tears will show
That I can't let you go
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
You still want me, don't you
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
Cos I can see through you
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
Don't let me down
Don't make a sound
Don't throw it all away
Remember me
So tenderly
Don't let it slip away
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
You still want me, don't you
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
Cos I can see through you
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
Ooooh...
Yeahh...
I'll live for you
I'd die for you
Do what you want me to
I'll cry for you
My tears will show
That I can't let you go
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
You still want me, don't you
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
Cos I can see through you
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
You still want me, don't you
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
Cos I can see through you
(Yeahh)
Peace,
Jenna
Yeah, yeah... I know... Just call me Joshua. At least it start's with a J, right?
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Absolutely Beautiful
This video... made me weep. It's called Spin. I found it through the usual clickety-click-click-click means... but it just blew me away. Those who made this one truly understand the nature of the music. May they receive all the blessings life has to offer them!
PLUR,
Jenna
PLUR,
Jenna
The Imperial Blues
I found this first on Gizmodo, a site that Jose directed me to one day (damn his eyes for giving me a new internet addiction). My love of Star Wars, music, bluegrass, blues and humor all comes crashing together in one beautiful piece of art here. Have fun and enjoy. :)
Peace,
Jenna
EDIT:
I had to add this one after I saw it. It's actually the second related link you see when the imperial blues video finishes. This just made me smile. :)
Peace,
Jenna
EDIT:
I had to add this one after I saw it. It's actually the second related link you see when the imperial blues video finishes. This just made me smile. :)
Happy Positions Remembered Day!
:: has trouble keeping a straight face and giggles ::
Happy Positions Remembered Day! Yeah... what the hell is that anyway? I have no clue but some of the concepts coming to mind remind me of some times in my life where the next day I was very sore. *wink*
Perhaps it's positions at work... like manager, apprentice, project leader, supervisor... I doubt it though. Perhaps it has to do with being in a bad or good position in life in general. Wealth, poverty, fame, isolation, etc. Or maybe it's something like this:
Happy Positions Remembered Day! Yeah... what the hell is that anyway? I have no clue but some of the concepts coming to mind remind me of some times in my life where the next day I was very sore. *wink*
Perhaps it's positions at work... like manager, apprentice, project leader, supervisor... I doubt it though. Perhaps it has to do with being in a bad or good position in life in general. Wealth, poverty, fame, isolation, etc. Or maybe it's something like this:
Uhm... yeah... well, regardless happy holiday to you and yours. But do yourself a favor and just REMEMBER the position... don't try it again... it never works out the same way as you remember. :)
Yesterday I was ready to shoot Sadao. He called me several times during the day complaining about his situation and begging me for help. He's stuck with nowhere to live and I have no power to help him at this moment in time. I look at his situation and can't help but think he got himself in it... he needs to get himself out of it... just like everyone else (me included) in this world has to do. I guess he's in as much of an awkward position as the guy pictured above, eh? Oof... life imitating art again.
At any rate, I try to help him out as much as I am able to but my commitments are first to myself (because I can't help anyone if I'm not sound), second to those I call family (including blood and those I live with), third friends and co-workers... lastly everyone else.
I've walked down some weird paths in my life and have made choices that make no sense in retrospect. Perhaps it's all part and parcel to life's little journey for all of us and each person's journey has to be different enough from each others' so that when we're all back together again we can share stories that are very different with each other. Who knows?
At any rate, i ended up driving ALL the way to Cassleberry last night to try to calm him down and get him to stop blowing up my phone. In the end, I ended up driving him to one of his friends' apartment to spend the night there. I went home, of course.
But I woke up with the incredible sense that everyone else in my life is living their lives without the pangs of guilt of being selfish. So why am I letting guilt ruin mine? Good question? Doesn't need an answer... just needs a solution. Well, doesn't even need that any more cuz I already got it, bitches... :)
Have a good day and try to remember some crazy positions... :)
Peace,
Jenna
Yesterday I was ready to shoot Sadao. He called me several times during the day complaining about his situation and begging me for help. He's stuck with nowhere to live and I have no power to help him at this moment in time. I look at his situation and can't help but think he got himself in it... he needs to get himself out of it... just like everyone else (me included) in this world has to do. I guess he's in as much of an awkward position as the guy pictured above, eh? Oof... life imitating art again.
At any rate, I try to help him out as much as I am able to but my commitments are first to myself (because I can't help anyone if I'm not sound), second to those I call family (including blood and those I live with), third friends and co-workers... lastly everyone else.
I've walked down some weird paths in my life and have made choices that make no sense in retrospect. Perhaps it's all part and parcel to life's little journey for all of us and each person's journey has to be different enough from each others' so that when we're all back together again we can share stories that are very different with each other. Who knows?
At any rate, i ended up driving ALL the way to Cassleberry last night to try to calm him down and get him to stop blowing up my phone. In the end, I ended up driving him to one of his friends' apartment to spend the night there. I went home, of course.
But I woke up with the incredible sense that everyone else in my life is living their lives without the pangs of guilt of being selfish. So why am I letting guilt ruin mine? Good question? Doesn't need an answer... just needs a solution. Well, doesn't even need that any more cuz I already got it, bitches... :)
Have a good day and try to remember some crazy positions... :)
Peace,
Jenna
Monday, October 8, 2007
Big Yellow Taxi
This song has been haunting me today. Not sure why but apparently I'm supposed to share this with someone. So here it is:
Big Yellow Taxi
by Joni Mitchell
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
With a pink hotel, a boutique
And a swinging hot spot
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Till it's gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
They took all the trees
Put 'em in a tree museum
And they charged the people
A dollar and a half just to see 'em
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Till it's gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
Hey farmer farmer
Put away that DDT now
Give me spots on my apples
But leave me the birds and the bees
Please!
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Till it's gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
Late last night
I heard the screen door slam
And a big yellow taxi
Took away my old man
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Till it's gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
by Joni Mitchell
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
With a pink hotel, a boutique
And a swinging hot spot
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Till it's gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
They took all the trees
Put 'em in a tree museum
And they charged the people
A dollar and a half just to see 'em
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Till it's gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
Hey farmer farmer
Put away that DDT now
Give me spots on my apples
But leave me the birds and the bees
Please!
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Till it's gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
Late last night
I heard the screen door slam
And a big yellow taxi
Took away my old man
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Till it's gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
Peace,
Jenna
Jenna
Maximum Freshness Day
Today is Maximum Freshness Day! Oddly enough, I seem to be following my natural state of rebellion without even realizing it. I woke up late without time to take a shower (ewww!) and so I'm doing my impression of the French today. Figures that on Maximum Freshness Day I would just so happen to not be so fresh.
That aside, it's also Columbus Day. I'm sure someone out there still celebrates that. Personally, I just like the idea of a day off work (even though I don't have today off... but who knows... maybe they'll ask me to leave and observe Maximum Freshness Day).
Friday night, I hooked up with Rabbit and DJ Nikko. There's some good vibes going there and we might actually be able to get back into the music scene again. It was a fun night as we started to go through Nikko's tracks and Rabbit started playing some of his new work for me. In fact, it pushed me to work some more on one of my own tracks yesterday.
Saturday I spent the day role-playing in Titusville with Jose, Nyssa and the whites. We started a Teen Champions game and it brought back good memories for me. None of them have played this system before and so as they were getting used to it, I was reminded of when I started playing. It was a a lot of fun and promises to be so again. This time I'm on the other side of the table tho... but I like that too. Been thinking about starting a blog somewhere to chronicle the adventures of this group. Could be fun!
Sunday, I worked on my remix of Foreigner's Urgent and bought a new phone. The Nokia 5330 Xpressmusic phone. It's actually really nice, I like it so far. It holds a gig of music (as much as my MP3 player did) so I now have an MP3 player and old phone to either sell or give away to those less fortunate. I got a great deal on the phone ($30) and the plan... so I'm pretty happy about that.
And that's all the news that I have to tell at the moment. More later.
Peace,
Jenna
That aside, it's also Columbus Day. I'm sure someone out there still celebrates that. Personally, I just like the idea of a day off work (even though I don't have today off... but who knows... maybe they'll ask me to leave and observe Maximum Freshness Day).
Friday night, I hooked up with Rabbit and DJ Nikko. There's some good vibes going there and we might actually be able to get back into the music scene again. It was a fun night as we started to go through Nikko's tracks and Rabbit started playing some of his new work for me. In fact, it pushed me to work some more on one of my own tracks yesterday.
Saturday I spent the day role-playing in Titusville with Jose, Nyssa and the whites. We started a Teen Champions game and it brought back good memories for me. None of them have played this system before and so as they were getting used to it, I was reminded of when I started playing. It was a a lot of fun and promises to be so again. This time I'm on the other side of the table tho... but I like that too. Been thinking about starting a blog somewhere to chronicle the adventures of this group. Could be fun!
Sunday, I worked on my remix of Foreigner's Urgent and bought a new phone. The Nokia 5330 Xpressmusic phone. It's actually really nice, I like it so far. It holds a gig of music (as much as my MP3 player did) so I now have an MP3 player and old phone to either sell or give away to those less fortunate. I got a great deal on the phone ($30) and the plan... so I'm pretty happy about that.
And that's all the news that I have to tell at the moment. More later.
Peace,
Jenna
Friday, October 5, 2007
Blinded By The Light
So, I've listened to three different versions of the song Blinded By The Light. It's an OLD song originally written by Bruce Springsteen and apparently meant to be a stream-of-consciousness regurgitation of "a series of bizarre individuals he met while a young artist in New Jersey." This is as per the wikipedia entry on the song (yes, it has it's own entry [citation needed]).
At any rate... I think I like DJ Trashy's version the best. It's fun to dance to and has minimal lyrics. If you want, read the lyrics here on Bruce's Site or you can re-read the more popular and more well known version by Manfred Mann on their site.
Peace,
Jenna
At any rate... I think I like DJ Trashy's version the best. It's fun to dance to and has minimal lyrics. If you want, read the lyrics here on Bruce's Site or you can re-read the more popular and more well known version by Manfred Mann on their site.
Peace,
Jenna
If You're Out There... Pay Attention
If I Were You - Candee Jay
If I were you
I would never let me go
If I were you
I would always love me so
If I were you
I can't play your part in life
but I would surely walk my way
I cannot think the way you think
But I would never go away
You can trust me when I say
That I will always be for real
You can always count on me
No matter how alone you feel
If I were you
I would never let me go
If I were you
I would always love me so
If I were you
I would never..
I would always..
I can't tell you what to do
I can only hope for more
More decisions to be good
Like the way they were before
I can't dream the things you dream
'Cause I would not know where to start
Life is never what it seems
When two souls are far apart
I don't wanna know
How it feels to lose a friend
And if I were you
I would never leave again
If I were you
I would never let me go
If I were you
I would always love me so
If I were you
Na na na na na na na na
If I were you
Na na na na na na na na
If I were you
If I were you
I would never let me go
If I were you
I would always love me so
If I were you
I can't play your part in life
but I would surely walk my way
I cannot think the way you think
But I would never go away
You can trust me when I say
That I will always be for real
You can always count on me
No matter how alone you feel
If I were you
I would never let me go
If I were you
I would always love me so
If I were you
I would never..
I would always..
I can't tell you what to do
I can only hope for more
More decisions to be good
Like the way they were before
I can't dream the things you dream
'Cause I would not know where to start
Life is never what it seems
When two souls are far apart
I don't wanna know
How it feels to lose a friend
And if I were you
I would never leave again
If I were you
I would never let me go
If I were you
I would always love me so
If I were you
Na na na na na na na na
If I were you
Na na na na na na na na
If I were you
Sunset 07 is Confirmed
Just bought my ticket. :) Heh... now I have something to be thankful about for that weekend. :)
Peace!
Peace!
The Weekend's Holidays
Happy Impractical Joke Day!! Yes, that's today's holiday. I began to think about what would constitute an impractical joke. In order for it to be so, it would have to be ridiculously expensive or require that one goes way out of their way to make it as real as possible. There was only one thing I could think of right off the top of my head:
And with that... we move on to this weekend's holidays. I'm presenting them now since I probably won't be online this weekend to provide the holidays on a day to day basis over the weekend.
Saturday: PIMP DAY!
Yeah boyyyy.... Tomorrow, warm up your bitch-slappin' hand and let your inner pimp come out to play! It's official pimp day tomorrow. :) I know I'm looking forward to that... there's a few people I wouldn't mind slapping up the side of the head and saying, "Yo, where's my money, biotch!?"
Saturday: PIMP DAY!
Yeah boyyyy.... Tomorrow, warm up your bitch-slappin' hand and let your inner pimp come out to play! It's official pimp day tomorrow. :) I know I'm looking forward to that... there's a few people I wouldn't mind slapping up the side of the head and saying, "Yo, where's my money, biotch!?"
Sunday: First Day of Panty Liner Week
These often unsung heroes of feminine hygiene are daily necessities for some and fond (or not-so-fond) rememberances for others. I don't know why we have an entire week for it... but that's what the list says and the list, of course, "is an absolute good" as Stern would say (and no I don't mean Howard). I'll spare you the image that goes with this holiday. Just remember to think about how important proper usage and care of your feminine wares is this week. Otherwise, you might end up like this:
These often unsung heroes of feminine hygiene are daily necessities for some and fond (or not-so-fond) rememberances for others. I don't know why we have an entire week for it... but that's what the list says and the list, of course, "is an absolute good" as Stern would say (and no I don't mean Howard). I'll spare you the image that goes with this holiday. Just remember to think about how important proper usage and care of your feminine wares is this week. Otherwise, you might end up like this:
Peace, Love and Happiness...
--Jenna
--Jenna
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Pandora
I recently started playing around with Pandora again. I forgot how much I liked it. As it's building a list of songs for you, it starts explaining why. This made me giggle today. I put in DJ Encore and it said:
"We'll start off with this track by DJ Encore which highly exemplifies his style which contains disco influences, romantic lyrics, female vocals, highly synthetic sonority, a tight kick sound, and prevalent use of groove."
For those of you who don't know what Pandora is... it's the public exposure to something called The Music Genome Project. It's a pretty cool idea... basically the concept is that each song has identifiable characteristics. The service can then use these characteristics to provide you with music that you'll love every time if you give honest feedback.
The thing is.. there's an ineffable quality to a track that exists in much the same way as the ineffable quality of life in a person. You either like it or you don't. You can hear another track that is technically very similar to one that you like and yet still hate it. It's the song's soul or spirit, if you will. Try and define it any other way, I dare you. :)
Anyway, just thought I would share. Back to work now.
"We'll start off with this track by DJ Encore which highly exemplifies his style which contains disco influences, romantic lyrics, female vocals, highly synthetic sonority, a tight kick sound, and prevalent use of groove."
For those of you who don't know what Pandora is... it's the public exposure to something called The Music Genome Project. It's a pretty cool idea... basically the concept is that each song has identifiable characteristics. The service can then use these characteristics to provide you with music that you'll love every time if you give honest feedback.
The thing is.. there's an ineffable quality to a track that exists in much the same way as the ineffable quality of life in a person. You either like it or you don't. You can hear another track that is technically very similar to one that you like and yet still hate it. It's the song's soul or spirit, if you will. Try and define it any other way, I dare you. :)
Anyway, just thought I would share. Back to work now.
National Fashion Victim Day
Following up with today's holiday... it's National Fashion Victim Day!! Yes, today is the day we celebrate all the fashion victims out there. It's their day people... so let them know they're loved and appreciated! Every day, you meet someone who simply couldn't be fashionable in any era. Well today is the day that you let them know that it's okay for them to be who they are, wear what they want and look however they want to look.
So, uhm... yeah. So anyway, I woke up today feeling pretty good. There were three text messages from Sadao. He had a bad night at work last night. It sucks that he works at night and is therefore up all night and asleep when I'm awake. :( But we got to talk a little this morning... he was still awake. Nyssa asked me once what it was about him that got to me so much. I can answer that with a few lines from a song by DJ Encore and Englina called "You've Got A Way"
♫ You’ve got a way of making sunshine of the rain ♫
♫ You’ve got a way of turning ashes into flames ♫
♫ I can’t believe you’re making darkness into light ♫
♫ You’re making all my contradictions turn out right ♫
♫ You’ve got a way of turning ashes into flames ♫
♫ I can’t believe you’re making darkness into light ♫
♫ You’re making all my contradictions turn out right ♫
Or another song by them called "High On Life"
♫ You make me feel high on life ♫
♫ When I’m with you I can fly ♫
♫ I wouldn’t stop this feeling ♫
♫ I wouldn’t stop this feeling ♫
♫ It makes me feel high on life ♫
♫ Intensifies what’s inside ♫
♫ I wouldn’t stop this feeling from taking over ♫
♫ When I’m with you I can fly ♫
♫ I wouldn’t stop this feeling ♫
♫ I wouldn’t stop this feeling ♫
♫ It makes me feel high on life ♫
♫ Intensifies what’s inside ♫
♫ I wouldn’t stop this feeling from taking over ♫
Yup... that's the feeling I get. Why would I ever want to be away from that feeling? It reminds me of a time not so long ago when I was free to be me without the feeling that I was a bad person if someone else disapproved. It's a delicate balance of two things:
1) I want to be loved for who I am. This is the natural side. This is the side that people see when you wake up in the morning and you look like holy hell (in your own opinion). This is the side that comes through when you laugh at something that you find funny. This is the side that takes selfish pleasures and let's their hair completely down even if it's ratty and nasty.
2) I want to be loved for who I choose to be. This is the creative side. This is the side that puts on makeup, wears funky clothing, wears exotic jewelry in odd places, This is the actor side of us on this global stage called Earth.
Too many times, I hear people say, "You don't have to look that way, be that way or act that way. Just be who you are." Or I hear, "Why don't you put more effort into yourself and express yourself more?" LOL... can't win for losing can we?
So yeah, I look for people that don't ask me why. They just accept, believe and just be. And Sadao does that for me. So do a few others... but typically I get one side or the other from people. I love myself as I am... but I also love who I can become... and that can change on a daily basis so be prepared. :)
At any rate, I've said more than I was going to say and it's getting late... so I'm going to close this for now. Happy Fashion Victim Day everyone!
Peace,
Jenna
1) I want to be loved for who I am. This is the natural side. This is the side that people see when you wake up in the morning and you look like holy hell (in your own opinion). This is the side that comes through when you laugh at something that you find funny. This is the side that takes selfish pleasures and let's their hair completely down even if it's ratty and nasty.
2) I want to be loved for who I choose to be. This is the creative side. This is the side that puts on makeup, wears funky clothing, wears exotic jewelry in odd places, This is the actor side of us on this global stage called Earth.
Too many times, I hear people say, "You don't have to look that way, be that way or act that way. Just be who you are." Or I hear, "Why don't you put more effort into yourself and express yourself more?" LOL... can't win for losing can we?
So yeah, I look for people that don't ask me why. They just accept, believe and just be. And Sadao does that for me. So do a few others... but typically I get one side or the other from people. I love myself as I am... but I also love who I can become... and that can change on a daily basis so be prepared. :)
At any rate, I've said more than I was going to say and it's getting late... so I'm going to close this for now. Happy Fashion Victim Day everyone!
Peace,
Jenna
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Build-Your-Own Holiday Day
According to some list I found on the web, today is "Build-Your-Own Holiday Day." It has a holiday for every day of the year. So I am going to be listing them all now... one each day. So... everyone have fun today and make your own holiday. Mine is "National Bird Poop Recognition Day." Have fun peeps.
Peace,
Jenna
Peace,
Jenna
From Here
5/8/2009 Note: This was a private post in my Live Journal... I unlocked it because it just makes me laugh now. :)
Okay Jenna... this is a private post. Talk plainly. You're a dumbass a lot. You think things through only for yourself and you don't take into account anyone else's feelings. Sure, you can say that it's their feelings as much as you want but in the end it's YOUR actions that are creating this reality. So fix it! You know what to do. Now do it.
Monday, October 1, 2007
21st Century Religion
So, once again, thanks to Jose I have something fun for you to read. Found on The Onion, here it is:
Just click on the headline and you'll be able to read the entire article. Now understand that this site is a humor site and it's meant to be taken lightly. But then again... so should religion and faith, in my opinion. If your heart isn't light, there's something wrong.
Peace,
Jenna
Just click on the headline and you'll be able to read the entire article. Now understand that this site is a humor site and it's meant to be taken lightly. But then again... so should religion and faith, in my opinion. If your heart isn't light, there's something wrong.
Peace,
Jenna
Le Weekend
Yes... the French call it "Le Weekend." I guess they're sorta like Hollywood... no new ideas brewing there.
Anyway, about my weekend. Well, let's start by backing up a little bit and filling in some things left out about Thursday.
All week I had been waffling about going out with Sadao to meet his dad. I just wasn't sure if it was something I wanted to do. My feelings about him have been in a state of flux for a long time and I was beginning to think that perhaps I should just leave well enough alone. But he really wanted me to go. On top of that, I wasn't sure whether or not my roomies had planned something or not... so I was just feeling blah about the whole thing.
When I got home, I started thinking more about it and decided that I really did want to go after all. So, I called Sadao and he and Brian and I went down to Melbourne. I got to meet his dad. His dad's a very VERY nice man and showered his son with gifts. He doesn't know how to relate to him and hence has made some suggestions that Sadao rejects, but he does love him very much.
After dinner, I helped clean up and his dad talked with me. He was very grateful that Sadao had friends to look after him. I felt kindof awkward at that point. I don't think we ever really feel older than our high-point of fun and friendship in life and always want to keep that going. So, it was quite natural when being around a 21 year-old bundle of energy to want to slip right back into those days of yore myself. But seeing the look of concern on his dad's face, I understood that he's worried for his son given his son's gentle heart and easily-taken-advantage -of nature.
Between then and now, my feelings for Sadao have definitely migrated more into a big sister/little brother realm and it's kinda fun that way. I never had a younger sibling so now I get the chance to be a teacher again.
So after dinner, we went out to Cold Keg. It's a little gay bar in Melbourne but for some reason they were playing Hip-Hop there. I was about ready to puke. Finally, the show started which was an amateur strip contest... and none other than Page King was hosting the show. I couldn't believe it! I was gratified to see her on my birthday and she bought me a shot. We ended the night by closing the bar and I took Brian and Sadao back to the parking lot at Boardwalk Bowl so they could get Brian's car and head home.
My head was still reeling a little from all that had transpired in meeting his dad. Hadn't sorted it all out yet.
Friday, I went in late as expected and did my thing. That night, I visited a friend of mine that was laid off from Radixx. He wanted to get copies of all my music so I took my portable drive over there. Lo and Behold, my drive suddenly stopped working. I was in a panic! All of my pictures, my original music, my documents, EVERYTHING was on that drive and had not yet been backed up!! I was beside myself. Carlos and I still had a good time together tho as we surfed the web and he ripped some of the CDs I had brought. I was fretting a little tho.
Saturday, Sadao and I went to Port St. Lucie to visit Jose and Nyssa and the bobbins. I took my turntables and some records and we visited, ate and danced. I started teaching Sadao how to spin records and he's starting to get the hang of it. He doesn't have beat-matching down yet, but his ear for mixing is interesting. By watching him, I learned a few tricks myself.
Saturday night, we went out to ReBar. Usually that's a fun place but this weekend it was HipHop nation again. What's up with HipHop at GAY bars? I'm so confused. Anyway, I was watching all the attention Sadao was getting and couldn't help but be a little jealous. I caught myself in this mode and struggled with it for a while. I could put together if I was jealous of him or them or what. I just knew I was in a rut and needed to get my shit sorted out.
Jose gave me a hard drive for my busted computer at home and found out that my other drive (the one I was just talking about) was fine... it was just the external housing that had failed. The only thing getting power was the LED light. Not even the USB port was getting power. So, I breathed a huge sigh of relief at that.
Sunday, we woke up and spent the morning spinning music again. Then around 2:00 we headed home. Got back to Orlando at around 4:30 and I crashed at his apartment until about 6:30. Got home and started putting my computer back together. It's just about 100% now. It's got the OS and drivers and all the required updates from Microsoft. Now I just have to get all my applications and such re-installed AND I have to back up that drive!!
And so with this semi-cathartic weekend behind me, I move forward into a new day that finds me tired. Sleepy, exhausted, etc. but somehow comfortable with the understanding of how things are. And so begins October of 2007.
Peace,
Jenna
Anyway, about my weekend. Well, let's start by backing up a little bit and filling in some things left out about Thursday.
All week I had been waffling about going out with Sadao to meet his dad. I just wasn't sure if it was something I wanted to do. My feelings about him have been in a state of flux for a long time and I was beginning to think that perhaps I should just leave well enough alone. But he really wanted me to go. On top of that, I wasn't sure whether or not my roomies had planned something or not... so I was just feeling blah about the whole thing.
When I got home, I started thinking more about it and decided that I really did want to go after all. So, I called Sadao and he and Brian and I went down to Melbourne. I got to meet his dad. His dad's a very VERY nice man and showered his son with gifts. He doesn't know how to relate to him and hence has made some suggestions that Sadao rejects, but he does love him very much.
After dinner, I helped clean up and his dad talked with me. He was very grateful that Sadao had friends to look after him. I felt kindof awkward at that point. I don't think we ever really feel older than our high-point of fun and friendship in life and always want to keep that going. So, it was quite natural when being around a 21 year-old bundle of energy to want to slip right back into those days of yore myself. But seeing the look of concern on his dad's face, I understood that he's worried for his son given his son's gentle heart and easily-taken-advantage -of nature.
Between then and now, my feelings for Sadao have definitely migrated more into a big sister/little brother realm and it's kinda fun that way. I never had a younger sibling so now I get the chance to be a teacher again.
So after dinner, we went out to Cold Keg. It's a little gay bar in Melbourne but for some reason they were playing Hip-Hop there. I was about ready to puke. Finally, the show started which was an amateur strip contest... and none other than Page King was hosting the show. I couldn't believe it! I was gratified to see her on my birthday and she bought me a shot. We ended the night by closing the bar and I took Brian and Sadao back to the parking lot at Boardwalk Bowl so they could get Brian's car and head home.
My head was still reeling a little from all that had transpired in meeting his dad. Hadn't sorted it all out yet.
Friday, I went in late as expected and did my thing. That night, I visited a friend of mine that was laid off from Radixx. He wanted to get copies of all my music so I took my portable drive over there. Lo and Behold, my drive suddenly stopped working. I was in a panic! All of my pictures, my original music, my documents, EVERYTHING was on that drive and had not yet been backed up!! I was beside myself. Carlos and I still had a good time together tho as we surfed the web and he ripped some of the CDs I had brought. I was fretting a little tho.
Saturday, Sadao and I went to Port St. Lucie to visit Jose and Nyssa and the bobbins. I took my turntables and some records and we visited, ate and danced. I started teaching Sadao how to spin records and he's starting to get the hang of it. He doesn't have beat-matching down yet, but his ear for mixing is interesting. By watching him, I learned a few tricks myself.
Saturday night, we went out to ReBar. Usually that's a fun place but this weekend it was HipHop nation again. What's up with HipHop at GAY bars? I'm so confused. Anyway, I was watching all the attention Sadao was getting and couldn't help but be a little jealous. I caught myself in this mode and struggled with it for a while. I could put together if I was jealous of him or them or what. I just knew I was in a rut and needed to get my shit sorted out.
Jose gave me a hard drive for my busted computer at home and found out that my other drive (the one I was just talking about) was fine... it was just the external housing that had failed. The only thing getting power was the LED light. Not even the USB port was getting power. So, I breathed a huge sigh of relief at that.
Sunday, we woke up and spent the morning spinning music again. Then around 2:00 we headed home. Got back to Orlando at around 4:30 and I crashed at his apartment until about 6:30. Got home and started putting my computer back together. It's just about 100% now. It's got the OS and drivers and all the required updates from Microsoft. Now I just have to get all my applications and such re-installed AND I have to back up that drive!!
And so with this semi-cathartic weekend behind me, I move forward into a new day that finds me tired. Sleepy, exhausted, etc. but somehow comfortable with the understanding of how things are. And so begins October of 2007.
Peace,
Jenna
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