∞

So... yet another computer professional makes their way from one gender to another. Michael Wallent

(My mother has told me on many occasions that my grandfather used to call me Michael W all the time when I was a baby.) of Microsoft will become Megan. I wish her all the best. It's not an easy road from any aspect... take it from me. I had no idea how much of the veneer of this life would be stripped away when I started this journey. When we start messing with the fundamentals of life itself, we begin to see the truth and beauty behind all that it is built on and it's terrifying and beautiful all at the same time. I wish I could articulate it better than I usually manage. It's not that I see this life from two different aspects... It's more like I see it from the outside looking in. The commonalities and the differences combine and become the exact same thing. The more I experience, the more I realize there are no real differences and there is nothing to compare because on a pure energy level, it is all the same.

This revelation has a very unsettling side-effect though. It has made me question the value of living life in the shell I'm in. Not that I'm ready to quit quite yet. Don't get all squirrelly thinking that I'm suicidal... far from it. What I mean is... it has made me wonder what it is that I'm doing or supposed to be doing? Lately I've been feeling very ineffectual... at work, at home, in my music, in my personal relationships... it's as if all that I do bears no meaning and therefore has no intrinsic value. It becomes a waste of time and I can not stand waste. I've fought for so long to destroy "meaning and purpose" since it has created division between peoples. The "this means that and that is bad" or "this is good and we must defend it" mentalities, etc. But when one looks at the same situation from the opposing viewpoint, it becomes clear that given the opportunity to experience life from that viewpoint, the mentality shifts in the exact opposite direction but with the same intensity... therefore they are truly one and the same.

So what is the real truth? Should we keep meaning and purpose to help define our lives and make us productive and keep life going or should we resolve our differences and become one people (or perhaps one person) again? I feel I have asked this question before, many many years ago... perhaps even before I was born on this planet (if you believe in that sort of thing... I do). I tend to lean toward the idea that people should be allowed to be who they want to be and do what they want to do. The unfortunate side-effect of that is that some will want to rule, control, dominate, cleanse, purify, change and destroy others that do not agree with their way of thinking.

This inevitably brings me again to the concept of unity among people from an energetic standpoint. Is that possible? Is it possible for everyone to let go of self long enough that everyone can come together and be one in the spirit of unity? It's not going to work unless we ALL do it. Maybe it just takes time to get everyone on the same page. Question is...how much time does it take? Should we destroy those that choose to not follow the path of unity? Is that not what our lives are like anyway? We remove people from our lives that do not mesh well with our philosophy in life. Sometimes, this is EXTREMELY painful, especially if they've had a large impact on our lives.

True unity, in my opinion, REQUIRES the ability to step outside and look at life from an impersonal perspective. If we are always looking at life through our own eyes, it will always be colored that way. Of course, the part that always bakes my noodle is that the very concept I'm describing is, in and of itself, a "stance" on the subject. I have touted the immeasurable value of stepping outside the box and looking at life, and yet that, in and of itself, is now defined within a box itself. Yeah... escaping infinity is like an immortal being trying to commit suicide... the one thing it can't do and therefore longs for it since it can't do it. Why? Because it'd actually be something different for a change.

So, in that respect... I guess one could say that life feels like a VERY LONG acid trip. I think I just need something to believe in again. Oof... deja-vu again. Whoever said an education is a good thing didn't know what they were talking about. Ignorance truly is bliss and peace of mind is highly underrated.

On another subject... today's holiday is Snub Day apparently. The humor in this is that in order for us to all be able to celebrate this holiday, we must do completely the opposite of celebrating it together. How can I help you celebrate Snub Day without snubbing you and your stupid little celebration? And yet by that very act, we are unified in snubbing. It hurts the head. Truly... because now I need some Advil.

Not Over Yet (Perfecto Mix) by Grace and Glory

Oooh....

I'll live for you
I'd die for you
Do what you want me to
I'll cry for you
My tears will show
That I can't let you go

It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
You still want me, don't you
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
Cos I can see through you
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet

Don't let me down
Don't make a sound
Don't throw it all away
Remember me
So tenderly
Don't let it slip away

It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
You still want me, don't you
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
Cos I can see through you
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet

Ooooh...
Yeahh...

I'll live for you
I'd die for you
Do what you want me to
I'll cry for you
My tears will show
That I can't let you go

It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
You still want me, don't you
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
Cos I can see through you
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
You still want me, don't you
It's not over, not over, not over, not over yet
Cos I can see through you
(Yeahh)

Peace,
Jenna

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Yeah, yeah... I know... Just call me Joshua. At least it start's with a J, right?