Monday, October 22, 2007

A darkness stirring within

This weekend was my typical roller coaster again. I will be so happy once certain elements have been completed and I no longer have to deal with them.

Let's start with Friday. I took half the day off to start moving my things out of the house. I got about half of it moved out. The storage unit cost me $81 and change but it's paid for until December. I have to make sure I keep that going or all my memories will be lost. Friday night I stayed at the apartment and chilled out. I was pretty tired. The boys decided to go out to a club and I stayed home to watch TV. I watched Yellow Submarine and Pink Floyd the Wall.. Twink let me make copies of those. Actually, I only watched about half of PF before I assed out.

Saturday, I got up early and went to the house to finish packing up my things. I knew I had no way of getting the big stuff out of the house and so I chose to leave it all there. Besides, Twink was moving K in there so I figured I would leave the furniture there in case she needed something. I already knew my life was going to be a bit scattered for a while and so it didn't matter.

When I finished up, I went into the office to get my personal papers that were in there. About 30 seconds after I walked in there, David came in and said, "I'm sure you know why I'm here." I answered simply that I didn't and then he said, "I was sent here to watch you." That spun me into a realm of pissed off that I hadn't been in since I found out that Tim stole from me. For her to think that I would take something that doesn't belong to me absolutely blew my mind... after all I had done for her and her family. K walked in a little later to which I announced, "Would anyone else like to look through my personal papers to make sure I'm not taking anything that doesn't belong to me?!" She left. David sat there and said I would do the same thing. I don't think I would. Maybe I would. Maybe I've never felt like she feels. Maybe she's never felt the way I feel. I don't know. I'm just venting right now.

I let her go through the papers for PLUR Records and pull out anything that had her personal information on it. I tried to convince her that I would not compromise her in that way. All she did was throw it back in my face that I already had.

So the past is still very much alive in her... just as it is with all her previous friends that have made a mistake with her in her life that she can't forgive. It hurts me to see this. It hurts me to do this. But I feel like I have no choice now.

Saturday afternoon I met up with Cheryl and ended up going to her house in Inverness with her that night. I spent the night in a warm bed and took a hot shower the next day. She fed me and kept me company as I let out my worries. We watched some videos I brought and laughed and caught up on old times. I miss her a lot. She was a very good friend to me right when I needed it. I hope Twink has the same type of friend to lift her spirits. She needs that so desperately but doesn't want me to be that person.

Sunday I spent at the apartment I'm not paying for... well, that no-one is apparently paying for. My life is completely twisted and turned around and I simply can't find the way out this time. My head tells me to cut them off and let them sort it out while my heart says no, those who are innocent there do not deserve that. I don't mind being homeless. There's a certain type of freedom that comes along with that. But I can't stand ungrateful behavior for my sacrifice.

It will simply take time. And it will take years and years of time to get past this one. Until then, I am keeping my distance from emotional entanglements. Sadao feels the same way, or so he says. We talked last night and held each other until we fell asleep. Adversity creates strange bedfellows, I guess.

We may end up sleeping in our vehicles and getting a membership to a gym in order to shower. But we'll do whatever it takes. Sadao isn't altogether happy with my ideas for resolving the situation at the house... but he knows I won't let the innocents there be affected by the apparent war going on between Twink and I.

I can honestly say that I truly love Sadao. I understand him and I see what he sees. I can only hope that with time we will be able to rise out of all this shit and be better people for it. We may be poor people with no financial credit and barely two pennies to rub together. But we'll always have each other. As long as we can avoid the high-school bullshit, we should be alright.

There's a mobile home listed on for $8500 or $260/wk. That's something both Sadao and I could afford separately. I don't care where I live as long as it's drama free. I might just look into it myself regardless. He's been very responsible and has somehow managed to balance his needs with his wants. I know he just wants a nice place to live happily and drama free. I feel the same way. I know the mistakes I made last time and I won't let them happen again, that's for sure.

Aside from that, not much to report. I'm feeling a little better having vented all this and I think this is where I need to go first since it feels more like I'm venting to the world, or to God etc and getting out of my system without dealing with other people giving me advice and suggestions. I appreciate them, of course. But at the same time I don't. Maybe this is telling me something. Hmmm....

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