I woke up this morning very tired after having stayed up most of the night soul-searching. I was pretty sure, back before my surgical transition, that the need for this was done. I had worked out what I needed to work out in order to be happy. My life was set and I knew my direction and goal. I think the problem is that I attained that goal with time to spare ... too much time. When one completes something, there is a natural transition into "Now What?"
So, I've been in a blah mood all day. This is the first time I've been "homeless" in about 15 years, which is when I moved to Florida from Indiana. I stayed with some friends for about 3 months and did what I could to help until it became obvious that we were better friends than roommates. Fortunately, we remained friends and I quickly got my act together and got my own place. It wasn't easy and it wasn't the greatest of places (Shadowwood Apartments in Sarasota), but it was cheap and available (sounds like some people I know).
I am re-learning some facts of life that I had conveniently forgotten once I became financially successful. The world became my oyster and the stars conspired for me, as far as I was concerned. I'm pretty sure this was part and parcel to my inability to keeping a circle of friends for any length of time. I have blamed others for these situations many times, but the bottom line is that, for me, being a good friend is squarely on my shoulders only. That doesn't always mean bailing someone out. Sometimes that means going the distance with them and sometimes that means letting them go through a hardship without my help. None of these are easy to do, actually.
Bailing someone out means to do what you can for them in sacrifice of your own self so that they might be better off and able to get back on their feet again with the added stability you've provided. This is rare and usually reserved for those that have no clue what to do with their ill-gotten gains.
Going the distance means no matter how bad it gets, always sticking with each other through the pain until it's all been released (not just numbed). It means truly experiencing the same situation with your friend even if you may not be together with them. This model is often found in best-friend relationships and usually found in marriages.
Letting them go is the hardest, I think. It means standing by and watching someone make mistakes that you know will hurt them but without that pain, they will never learn. It means knowing that the hardship will make them stronger by getting through it alone rather than with a guide or with help. This is typically the parent-to-child relationship but can also occur between friends or even lovers. It sucks, but it's what's necessary sometimes.
Anyway, back to the subject at hand. I've been very morose and down in the dumps with few reasons to keep me going. I've felt like a failure personally and professionally. This life doesn't come with a manual. It's hard to know when you're supposed to look out for yourself vs. look out for your friends and loved ones especially when part of that love is supposed to be tough love... I'm not very tough. Resilient perhaps, but tough.... no.
With so much despair in my life and few reasons to keep me going... I found that a smile from a buzzard was enough today to start my spirits lifting. It swooped down, landed on the square behind the building where I was having a smoke break, and began to strut around... seemingly interested in the windows (as if it were checking for weaknesses). Then it looked at me with it's sideways look and did a classic muppet smile. I had to laugh.
So this is obviously my own lesson, once again, to rebuild my faith. Faith is opposite of Sight ("Walk By Faith, Not By Sight") or Knoweldge. Knowing something doesn't require faith, and faith is what made the difference in my life before. For me to grow, I must be willing to give it all up or nothing will mean anything.
What you are reading now, is my open appeal to God... to take what He requires of me to be someone worthy of His name. He already knows my problems... He already knows my needs... He knows the desires of my heart that no person on this planet knows save for me. I do this not because I have no choice in the matter... but because I am tired of exercising that choice for myself. Every time I have put myself or others before His purposes, I have been led astray and my life and happiness have suffered.
So I give my service, talents and fortunes back to He who created me without reservation or regret for I know He will see me through, regardless of the situation.
Peace,
Jenna
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