Thursday, October 11, 2007

And... I'm Spent

Well, I think I'm just about back to normal now (normal for me, anyway). I had a date last night. I met this gentleman on the internet through a transsexual dating site. I figured, what the heck, I'll give it a shot. He seemed very nice, was older than me (by about 16 years) and more than likely had been through the bullshit of life's ordeals enough to know what he wants and what he's looking for in life so as not to ascribe meaning or ritual to anything. Yeah... well, apparently that affliction can last longer than expected.

He was very sweet and very gentlemanly... too much so, actually. I think the biggest problem I had with the whole evening was that it felt staged. It felt like a play-date, basically. I figured out within about 5 to 10 minutes that we had very little in common that was going to carry a conversation which brought about feelings of dread. He wanted to buy my drinks and food and I was uncomfortable with that. He kept standing when I would stand, try to push in my chair, etc. Yes, it's very old school gentlemanly and there is NOTHING wrong with that... if that's the type of lady one is... I am not that lady... not anymore.

Don't get me wrong here... he's a sweet man and I think he's very lonely. But the conversation seemed forced and we seemed to stumble around throughout the night, desperately grasping at topics of conversation. I truly should have known this from the get-go, to be honest.

Meeting someone on the internet is not so different from meeting them in real life, to be honest. You'll know within a few moments whether or not they're real for you. All I can do in my respect is to give examples in my life so here it is.

1) The Love Machine. This particular specimen likes to discuss their sexual prowess and zest for love in life. They might discuss other things to show that they're not a complete sexual compulsive, but typically you know how the conversation is going to go. This is usually someone who is not getting laid on a regular basis and their hormones are still raging. I've been ... and been with this type of person before. These days, I look for more depth with the understanding that the fun part of intimacy will come naturally when it does. I don't need it thrown in my face, thank you very much. I always cringe inside when I find myself in that role with someone who can't tell that I'm joking. It strains friendships and can sometimes break them. But I am just as human as the next person... so although I know I don't want this, nor do I want to be this... I understand it.

2) The Ritualist. This is the kind that needs things to mean something or must follow a certain set of rules in life for reasons that do not necessarily make sense from a "good living" perspective. As if this life has a grander purpose than just living it, procreating (or not) and dying. I have no concrete proof of this particular idea. I have faith, but I refuse to let my faith become a banner to rally around for a cause that ultimately MUST have an opposing side. This creates argument, division, conflict and eventually a full-blown war. Although these can be fun to act-out and play... they have no use in our day-to-day lives, in my opinion. If war is brought to you... then you should respond in whatever way brings about peace... even if it means war. But it would be nice to see that particular path be avoided as much as possible. Best way to do that is to throw out the meanings, the beliefs, the purposes and just "let it be." Just like the love machine, I've been and been with this stereotype as well. Again, nothing I'm interested in repeating.

3) The Wallflower. Now this person can't seem to let themselves express themselves very well. They want to... SO badly... but they're afraid that their actions might be construed by some as being just weird enough that they're an excellent target for mental, emotional or physical abuse. Their own lack of confidence and self-esteem stifles their creativity and silences what may be the most beautiful voice of all in the chorus we call life. Sometimes they can be convinced to coming out of their shell... but that shell still remains until they themselves destroy it with confidence and bravado the likes of which they've never seen in themselves. It can open the door to becoming a ritualist or a love machine or (in some cases) the next type. Something far worse can happen too though. If they perceive themselves as being judged undesirable by the very souls that had brought them out of the shell in the first place... that shell then beckons them back in to a warm, inviting and familiar place where they feel safe and secure. The only saving grace in this is that eventually, they will come to terms with how they feel and will come out of the shell on their own. But that trip back can feel pretty devastating. Again, I can only report those feelings that I personally have experienced either myself or through others... and therefore can safely say that I understand this behavior too.

4) The Adventurer. This is, by far, my favorite... however it's a tricky mix. This one has a zest for life in all of the facets and forms it comes in. If it's work, they put their all into and reap the benefits with gladness. If it's play, they party hard and celebrate the life given to them. If it's travel, there's no place that's been previously discovered (as far as their concerned). If it's personal relationships, it's about fun and freedom in creativity and diversity. Life for the adventurer is something to be savored and enjoyed. But, like I said, it's a tricky mix. These people are not out to hurt anyone specifically. People tend to allow themselves to be hurt simply by wanting or expecting more than the adventurer is willing to give. The adventurer is a free-spirit that can not be caged and should not be caged. The adventurer wants everyone to feel the same rush of life without fear, without control and without purpose other than the enjoyment it can bring. It's about the experience and nothing more.

I am, currently, sortof a combination of these archetypes. I'm mostly the adventurer... looking for other adventurers to have fun with. However, if I feel chemistry between myself and another, I may accidentally slip into one of the first two roles. With true adventurers, this will lead to a rejection (sometimes in a massive way) which can push me right into wallflower mode until I get tired of the shell and bust my way out again. This entry finds me learning about a new archetype which I'm dying to discover for myself.

5) The Realist. In the past, I've typically referred to a realist as the same thing as a pessimist. But this is not necessarily so. I firmly believe that a realist can have an optimistic nature. I think someone who is real truly understands that what matters in this world is not what we have but what we do with what we have. Is it for a greater good or not? A greater good doesn't have to mean greater for the world... it could simply be greater for YOUR world. The realist accepts themselves and their flaws and recognizes the similarities in the differences between people. "Yes, you're different from me... but in a very similar way." They relate without judging. They live without remorse or regret. They find ways to make their life as reasonable as possible given the circumstances they're in. Like the Love Machine, they're very passionate... but that passion is about love, not sex. Like the ritualist, they understand unity... but unification of ideas, not beliefs. Like the wallflower, they understand peace... but peace of mind, not isolation. Like the adventurer, they understand living life to the fullest... but with the respect that others may not be on the same page as they are yet.

I'm beginning to understand and incorporate these concepts into my life, little by little. I make my mistakes and I pay for them just as everyone else does. Sometimes the price is high and it takes time to pay off the debt completely. Given enough time, all will be well again and I'll be on the right track again for my own life. Until then... I'll keep weathering the storm until it's done. After the rain comes the sun.


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