My Big Mouth

So... here's another "this could only happen to me" moment.

At work there's this girl named Beth. She's adorable. She's pleasantly plump, has a great smile and lovely personality. Sweetest girl in the world type of person.

I went outside for a smoke and she was sitting out there with Nikki. We starting talking about the weather and how wonderful it is today and Beth mentioned that she hadn't taken her sweater off. I said she still could. She responded saying that she was already outside now.

Now, you have to understand... this is like waving a red flag in front of a bull with me. I said, "How does it feel to live under such rules, restrictions and guidelines?" She replied, "Yeah and I do it to myself! I guess it's more laziness." I of course responded with "And the truth shall set you free!" We had a giggle about it but I apparently couldn't just let it sit there. No no ... not me.

She moved on to say, "Well if you can't be honest with yourself, you got a problem." I said, "Yeah. We have the choice I guess to either be honest with ourselves or just be fat, dumb and happy." WHOOPS!

I felt a chill. She smiled... and was finishing her cigarette. I tried to cover with something about sometimes it's difficult to choose between doing something or just saying screw it. She nodded, put out her smoke and went inside. I thought to myself, "Gawd! I'm such an asshole!" Of course, there's no telling what she was really thinking about what I said. I wasn't trying to be an asshole... it's just a phrase meaning "to be comfortable in one's situation without feeling the need to change it." I knew that me going to her to ask for forgiveness would be futile because that would shine a light on my own self-conflict about worrying that she was hurt vs. knowing she knew what I was really saying. So there I sat laughing at myself.

Oh well, what can I say. We let honesty hurt us sometimes rather than make us giggle. I'm a grown self-mutliated male trying (poorly I might add) trying to pass for female in this world. But I know myself pretty well and can giggle at it. I mean no disrespect... I simply laugh at the class system we create for ourselves and say, "what's this all about anyway... do we really need this? ... does being or looking one way or another really make a difference?" Not really. Let's get over ourselves already and have some fun, okay?

Peace,
Jenna