Apparently... I'm next... Oh Dexter, where are you?! SAVE ME!
Click the following link to see what I'm talking about:
Who Is Jenna Ramsey?
*sigh*
Peace,
Jenna
Friday, November 30, 2007
Breakout
My theme song for today:
When explanations make no sense
When every answer's wrong
You're fighting with lost confidence
All expectations come
The time has come to make or break
Move on don't hesitate
Breakout
Don't stop to ask
Now you've found a break to make at last
You've got to find a way
Say what you want to say
Breakout
When situations never change
Tomorrow looks unsure
Don't leave your destiny to chance
What are you waiting for
The time has come to make your break
Breakout
Don't stop to ask
Now you've found a break to make at last
You've got to find a way
Say what you want to say
Breakout
Don't stop to ask
Now you've found a break to make at last
You've got to find a way
Say what you want to say
Breakout
Some people stop at nothing
If you're searching for something
Lay down the law
Shout out for more
Breakout and shout day in day out
Breakout
Breakout
Don't stop to ask
Now you've found a break to make at last
You've got to find a way
Say what you want to say
Breakout
Don't stop to ask
Now you've found a break to make at last
You've got to find a way
Say what you want to say
Breakout
Lay down the law
Shout out for more
Breakout and shout day in day out
Breakout
Breakout
Breakout
Lay down the law
Shout out for more
Breakout and shout day in day out
When explanations make no sense
When every answer's wrong
You're fighting with lost confidence
All expectations come
The time has come to make or break
Move on don't hesitate
Breakout
Don't stop to ask
Now you've found a break to make at last
You've got to find a way
Say what you want to say
Breakout
When situations never change
Tomorrow looks unsure
Don't leave your destiny to chance
What are you waiting for
The time has come to make your break
Breakout
Don't stop to ask
Now you've found a break to make at last
You've got to find a way
Say what you want to say
Breakout
Don't stop to ask
Now you've found a break to make at last
You've got to find a way
Say what you want to say
Breakout
Some people stop at nothing
If you're searching for something
Lay down the law
Shout out for more
Breakout and shout day in day out
Breakout
Breakout
Don't stop to ask
Now you've found a break to make at last
You've got to find a way
Say what you want to say
Breakout
Don't stop to ask
Now you've found a break to make at last
You've got to find a way
Say what you want to say
Breakout
Lay down the law
Shout out for more
Breakout and shout day in day out
Breakout
Breakout
Breakout
Lay down the law
Shout out for more
Breakout and shout day in day out
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Change Is Inevitable
"Ever wish you could freeze frame a moment in your day, and look at it and say 'this is not my life'?" - Robin Williams as Daniel Hillard in Mrs. Doubtfire
Change, dear friends, is inevitable. I feel it calling, beckoning me. When life becomes perfunctory and one feels like one is just treading water, it's time to make drastic changes in one's life. It's that zest, that drive, that passion that makes life worth living.
I wrote about Sunset 07, and in the past I've written about other events and parties and such that have changed my way of thinking over the past couple of years. I've been slowly waking up to a reality that not too many, I feel, truly see or believe. A reality where everyone does what they want to do... not what they have to do.
Oh sure, you say, that's fine but everyone has to work, pay taxes, maintain a home, put food on the table, pay bills, etc. etc. right? Well, yes... but these can be wants... not just needs. You can work where you want, live where you want, eat what you want, pay for what you want, etc. It's all a matter of perspective.
For years... YEARS... I have maintained the perspective that money is the key to survival. It's what makes the world go 'round as some would say. Well, it's what makes this society go 'round, that's for sure. But I don't see any other species on this planet requiring money to live and live happily. We protect their freedoms yet enslave ourselves. To make the money we need to make to support ourselves we agree to SO many restrictions! We're told how to dress, what to say, how to act, what to do, when to do it and if we just follow those rules, we get the fat cash.
It's becoming more and more clear to me every day that these restrictions and requirements are exactly what makes us unhappy. Life doesn't work on a time-schedule. It doesn't care. It REALLY doesn't. Friends and family need help and attention when they need it... not when it's convenient. Opportunities for different lives come and go throughout our lives and we either grab at them or we let them pass by. I am a notorious risk-taker. Sometimes they've paid-off, sometimes they've failed spectacularly. That doesn't change my drive to take the risk to make my life (and hopefully others' lives) happier and more fulfilling.
Today, I'm looking back at my life and thinking carefully about the choices I have made and how I came to them. The complexity I have fallen into has just about completely driven me to the breaking point. Freedom has a price, I'm told. Does it really? Is it really that hard to find true happiness? I don't think so. I know when I'm happiest. I know when I'm happiest creatively, work-wise, play-wise, etc. I know what I enjoy doing and how I like to express myself. My eyes were opened by some of the most wonderful people on Earth about 2 years ago. Each day that goes by in this corporate, cookie-cutter, same-thing-happens-every-day, little boxes life is driving me faster and faster to escape it.
I get the feeling that people don't believe me when I say I can do without all the techy trappings I've become accustomed to. Yet at this point in my life, I've begun to realize that I can. I put myself in a situation where I had to do without a lot of the things I've grown to value. When I've tried to add some of these things back in to my life as it is now, I've suffered. It's been one of the best things for me in my life. I have always sought the "best" out of life as defined by the world at large. Everything from the best car/house all the way down to the best condiments, makeup, etc. Best always meant expensive. That just isn't true.
It's taken me a long time to get to this point and now I'm ready to bolt. I rebelled against the machine that said I had to be and act a certain way only to find myself back in the same machine in order to "fit-in" after my rebellion took it's course. Heh... the machine will get you one way or another unless you TRULY say, "no more."
Different people value different things. Family, Wealth, Status, Fame, etc. are all examples. I value simplicity and freedom. I long for it with every fiber of my being now. As I said before, opportunities come and go and we choose which ones to snag. An opportunity was presented to me about 2 or 3 months ago that is one that I know I can not let pass me by. My way of thinking, my lifestyle, my choices, everything about me is being tested to determine if I can truly handle the opportunity being presented. I am quickly learning what it is that is important to me. I am also learning how to balance this with my currently complex existence and how to defuse the ticking time-bomb of my life that I have created. I just wish I could make it happen a little faster somehow.
Do I want to party all the time? Well, in a sense, yes. But not in the sense that I consume everything and do nothing in return. I want life to be a party all the time... no matter if it's at work, at home or wherever I find myself. If I don't, I will make myself AND those around me miserable. I will continue to fall prey to the need to talk about it (like I'm doing now... yes, I recognize it) rather than actually do something about it. I am trying to hold on... to do what I have to do in order to escape this hole of life-trapping I've stumbled into... but sometimes I simply need a break.
So now, I commit myself to making the change for my own life. It means much more sacrifice than I've made yet so far, but it also means laying the foundation for a happier life for me. Change is inevitable ... and I am ready for it's embrace.
Peace,
Jenna
Change, dear friends, is inevitable. I feel it calling, beckoning me. When life becomes perfunctory and one feels like one is just treading water, it's time to make drastic changes in one's life. It's that zest, that drive, that passion that makes life worth living.
I wrote about Sunset 07, and in the past I've written about other events and parties and such that have changed my way of thinking over the past couple of years. I've been slowly waking up to a reality that not too many, I feel, truly see or believe. A reality where everyone does what they want to do... not what they have to do.
Oh sure, you say, that's fine but everyone has to work, pay taxes, maintain a home, put food on the table, pay bills, etc. etc. right? Well, yes... but these can be wants... not just needs. You can work where you want, live where you want, eat what you want, pay for what you want, etc. It's all a matter of perspective.
For years... YEARS... I have maintained the perspective that money is the key to survival. It's what makes the world go 'round as some would say. Well, it's what makes this society go 'round, that's for sure. But I don't see any other species on this planet requiring money to live and live happily. We protect their freedoms yet enslave ourselves. To make the money we need to make to support ourselves we agree to SO many restrictions! We're told how to dress, what to say, how to act, what to do, when to do it and if we just follow those rules, we get the fat cash.
It's becoming more and more clear to me every day that these restrictions and requirements are exactly what makes us unhappy. Life doesn't work on a time-schedule. It doesn't care. It REALLY doesn't. Friends and family need help and attention when they need it... not when it's convenient. Opportunities for different lives come and go throughout our lives and we either grab at them or we let them pass by. I am a notorious risk-taker. Sometimes they've paid-off, sometimes they've failed spectacularly. That doesn't change my drive to take the risk to make my life (and hopefully others' lives) happier and more fulfilling.
Today, I'm looking back at my life and thinking carefully about the choices I have made and how I came to them. The complexity I have fallen into has just about completely driven me to the breaking point. Freedom has a price, I'm told. Does it really? Is it really that hard to find true happiness? I don't think so. I know when I'm happiest. I know when I'm happiest creatively, work-wise, play-wise, etc. I know what I enjoy doing and how I like to express myself. My eyes were opened by some of the most wonderful people on Earth about 2 years ago. Each day that goes by in this corporate, cookie-cutter, same-thing-happens-every-day, little boxes life is driving me faster and faster to escape it.
I get the feeling that people don't believe me when I say I can do without all the techy trappings I've become accustomed to. Yet at this point in my life, I've begun to realize that I can. I put myself in a situation where I had to do without a lot of the things I've grown to value. When I've tried to add some of these things back in to my life as it is now, I've suffered. It's been one of the best things for me in my life. I have always sought the "best" out of life as defined by the world at large. Everything from the best car/house all the way down to the best condiments, makeup, etc. Best always meant expensive. That just isn't true.
It's taken me a long time to get to this point and now I'm ready to bolt. I rebelled against the machine that said I had to be and act a certain way only to find myself back in the same machine in order to "fit-in" after my rebellion took it's course. Heh... the machine will get you one way or another unless you TRULY say, "no more."
Different people value different things. Family, Wealth, Status, Fame, etc. are all examples. I value simplicity and freedom. I long for it with every fiber of my being now. As I said before, opportunities come and go and we choose which ones to snag. An opportunity was presented to me about 2 or 3 months ago that is one that I know I can not let pass me by. My way of thinking, my lifestyle, my choices, everything about me is being tested to determine if I can truly handle the opportunity being presented. I am quickly learning what it is that is important to me. I am also learning how to balance this with my currently complex existence and how to defuse the ticking time-bomb of my life that I have created. I just wish I could make it happen a little faster somehow.
Do I want to party all the time? Well, in a sense, yes. But not in the sense that I consume everything and do nothing in return. I want life to be a party all the time... no matter if it's at work, at home or wherever I find myself. If I don't, I will make myself AND those around me miserable. I will continue to fall prey to the need to talk about it (like I'm doing now... yes, I recognize it) rather than actually do something about it. I am trying to hold on... to do what I have to do in order to escape this hole of life-trapping I've stumbled into... but sometimes I simply need a break.
So now, I commit myself to making the change for my own life. It means much more sacrifice than I've made yet so far, but it also means laying the foundation for a happier life for me. Change is inevitable ... and I am ready for it's embrace.
Peace,
Jenna
It's All Good
There's nothing better than a food fight followed by wrasslin' around on the floor followed by collapsing on each other with laughter and smiles to ease tensions and relax someone. That was my morning this morning. :) It certainly did nothing for putting me in a "motivated for work" mood but I managed to get there somehow.
Today I've got some data manipulations to do and I'm really hoping to have all the changes for Agent management done today. Was supposed to play WoW with Jose last night... but I ended up getting sleepy early... passed out between 7 PM and Midnight... and therefore didn't get to play. Maybe tonight... we'll see.
Makin' plans to go to the Hookah Bar again this Friday night. It's a fun, inexpensive and relaxed atmosphere and a good way to spend time with friends. I wish I could find a beatnik poetry bar in this area. I hope I can find one in Indiana when I move back there. Maybe I'll just start one, who knows.
Anyway... back to work.
Today I've got some data manipulations to do and I'm really hoping to have all the changes for Agent management done today. Was supposed to play WoW with Jose last night... but I ended up getting sleepy early... passed out between 7 PM and Midnight... and therefore didn't get to play. Maybe tonight... we'll see.
Makin' plans to go to the Hookah Bar again this Friday night. It's a fun, inexpensive and relaxed atmosphere and a good way to spend time with friends. I wish I could find a beatnik poetry bar in this area. I hope I can find one in Indiana when I move back there. Maybe I'll just start one, who knows.
Anyway... back to work.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
The afternoon after the morning after the morning after.
Well, I'm still kinda beat from the weekend. It was quite the event. It was a different experience for me since I'd never gone to one without Twink before. With the exception of the time I went to see BT for free at Fusion, every other event I've gone to has been with her. I feel I've finally progressed past the need to share it with her and can claim the events for myself now. Wow, I really got messed up when I met her. I lost my individuality completely. That's not a good thing. Every aspect of my life has suffered for it. Now I'm getting myself back to where I was before... but with a stronger mind and stronger attitude toward life and living life. I was just as co-dependent upon Rob... but for different reasons. I almost became that way with Sadao... but he's WAY too head-strong and way too intent on having a friendship with me than anyone else I know. It's a good thing. HEALING! Sweetness! Anyway... just a quick entry for myself. Poop!
Monday, November 26, 2007
Weekend Report
Oof... I'm tired.
It's only 9:29 a.m. at the moment... but I'm tired. The reason will become clear soon.
Let's start with Wednesday Night. After leaving work, I went home and relaxed for a while. I was making dinner that night but Sadao was working late... so I waited to make dinner until he could eat a hot meal with Brian and I. After dinner, we stayed up for a bit and ended up doing our laundry in the wee hours at a 24-hour laundromat. Needless to say, we slept in late on Thursday.
Thursday, by the time I got up... it was late afternoon. Whee! I needed the sleep though. We tried to work out what to do for Thanksgiving. We didn't have enough money to get a "proper dinner" going and the turkey we got from Sadao's dad (we drove down to Melbourne to fetch in earlier in the week) was too big to fit in the microwave. We would have cooked it in the oven... but the oven doesn't work.
A friend of mine came over and specifically asked that I go with him to his friend's house for thanksgiving dinner. I declined unless Sadao and Brian could come too. After a bit of drama, it became clear that only I was invited. So I stood my ground and said no, it's a holiday and I'm not going without the boys.
So what to do. Sadao had to pick up his check. So we went there. They were having a Thanksgiving day dinner for the employees. Sadao, very thoughtfully, grabbed a big plate of food and brought it out for all of us to share. So there was our dinner. From there, we went to Savoy to have a couple drinks and dance and forget our troubles for a while. Sadao got both Brian and I blitzed. It was actually quite nice this time. Last time I got that hammered, I threw up in several places (including all over the side of Twink's car. I cleaned it up the next day before I left for work, though). This time, it was nothing but smiles and dancing and happy drunkenness. No puking and no hangover.
Friday went by fairly uneventfully with the exception of Sadao coming home from work early. They sent him home for his haircut. His hair was getting kinda shaggy and he couldn't deal with it anymore. So earlier in the week, he cut his hair into a mohawk. It actually looks great... and he wears it flat rather than spiky. No one at his work had a problem for the entire week until his GM saw it at the end of the week. Then all of a sudden it's not good and he was sent home. He has to shave his head before he returns to work. This is ridiculous to me. He works at a bowling alley as a bar runner. The patrons are there to have fun and enjoy themselves. Sadao is always bright and cheery and tries to promote a fun atmosphere wherever he goes. No one, not one customer and not co-worker, had a problem until the GM saw it. Why? Because they've switched from franchise to corporate. Hello Empire Records.
I'm gonna miss his mohawk. It's cute! But, I understand why Sadao is giving in to the corporate machine for now. I understand it very well. It sucks, but we do what we gotta do to survive until such a time we can tell "the man" to shove it.
We didn't let that spoil our Saturday though. A girl I met through Sadao, Carrie, called and asked if she could ride with us to Sunset 07. I told her sure. She came up Friday night and spent the night with us. Saturday morning, I got up early and began getting ready for the trip to St. Pete. The others had too much energy and stayed up all night. So, once we were all ready, we headed out. Within moments, they were all asleep in the car. No worries though, I'm used to that scenario. By the time we got to St. Pete, everyone felt a little more refreshed and was ready for the day.
What a FABULOUS event it was! A few old friends and a few new friends were there. We ended up all gathering together on a blanket and enjoyed the day's music. There was lots of good music but BT stole the show, IMO. There was a lot of electro house being spun that night, including BT's set... and it blew me away. Some of the sickest beats I'd ever heard. He always puts on a good show. :) I'm glad I was able to share it with Sadao.
After the event, we went to an after-party event. It was at a club... and it was awful. The vibe changed between the event and the club. The vibe at the event was beautiful, loving and fun. We played with beach balls and danced and sang and shared memories and love. The vibe at the club felt like a meat market and it was jarring. So after a couple of hours there, we chose to head home. Mind you, it's about 1:30 a.m. by now.
Sunday, we slept in until about 6 pm. I've been up since then so I'm pretty tired. But it was worth it, I must admit. Now, today, I pay the price for all the fun this past weekend. I have to reset my internal timer and get myself back on a normal schedule again. It sucks, but that's just the way it is. It's not the first time.
All-in-all, it was a great weekend and the event was VERY reminiscent of some of the best times in my life. The only way it could have been better is if absent friends had been able/willing to join us there. I am still hoping and holding out for the day that we can all come back together again and enjoy a party together. One where everyone is there for the music, friends, love and life. It CAN happen if we all let it all go and say, "This day is for us to come together and party and share good times and good music. Only positive, life and love-affirming vibes are allowed. We were all created out of love and are here to celebrate with each other and lift each other up."
Yes, it's a dream... but it's a persistent one in my life and I'll be damned if I give up until we see it happen. Life is short.. and it needs to be celebrated while we have it.
Well, I'm off now to get some work done. Oof... TIRED!
It's only 9:29 a.m. at the moment... but I'm tired. The reason will become clear soon.
Let's start with Wednesday Night. After leaving work, I went home and relaxed for a while. I was making dinner that night but Sadao was working late... so I waited to make dinner until he could eat a hot meal with Brian and I. After dinner, we stayed up for a bit and ended up doing our laundry in the wee hours at a 24-hour laundromat. Needless to say, we slept in late on Thursday.
Thursday, by the time I got up... it was late afternoon. Whee! I needed the sleep though. We tried to work out what to do for Thanksgiving. We didn't have enough money to get a "proper dinner" going and the turkey we got from Sadao's dad (we drove down to Melbourne to fetch in earlier in the week) was too big to fit in the microwave. We would have cooked it in the oven... but the oven doesn't work.
A friend of mine came over and specifically asked that I go with him to his friend's house for thanksgiving dinner. I declined unless Sadao and Brian could come too. After a bit of drama, it became clear that only I was invited. So I stood my ground and said no, it's a holiday and I'm not going without the boys.
So what to do. Sadao had to pick up his check. So we went there. They were having a Thanksgiving day dinner for the employees. Sadao, very thoughtfully, grabbed a big plate of food and brought it out for all of us to share. So there was our dinner. From there, we went to Savoy to have a couple drinks and dance and forget our troubles for a while. Sadao got both Brian and I blitzed. It was actually quite nice this time. Last time I got that hammered, I threw up in several places (including all over the side of Twink's car. I cleaned it up the next day before I left for work, though). This time, it was nothing but smiles and dancing and happy drunkenness. No puking and no hangover.
Friday went by fairly uneventfully with the exception of Sadao coming home from work early. They sent him home for his haircut. His hair was getting kinda shaggy and he couldn't deal with it anymore. So earlier in the week, he cut his hair into a mohawk. It actually looks great... and he wears it flat rather than spiky. No one at his work had a problem for the entire week until his GM saw it at the end of the week. Then all of a sudden it's not good and he was sent home. He has to shave his head before he returns to work. This is ridiculous to me. He works at a bowling alley as a bar runner. The patrons are there to have fun and enjoy themselves. Sadao is always bright and cheery and tries to promote a fun atmosphere wherever he goes. No one, not one customer and not co-worker, had a problem until the GM saw it. Why? Because they've switched from franchise to corporate. Hello Empire Records.
I'm gonna miss his mohawk. It's cute! But, I understand why Sadao is giving in to the corporate machine for now. I understand it very well. It sucks, but we do what we gotta do to survive until such a time we can tell "the man" to shove it.
We didn't let that spoil our Saturday though. A girl I met through Sadao, Carrie, called and asked if she could ride with us to Sunset 07. I told her sure. She came up Friday night and spent the night with us. Saturday morning, I got up early and began getting ready for the trip to St. Pete. The others had too much energy and stayed up all night. So, once we were all ready, we headed out. Within moments, they were all asleep in the car. No worries though, I'm used to that scenario. By the time we got to St. Pete, everyone felt a little more refreshed and was ready for the day.
What a FABULOUS event it was! A few old friends and a few new friends were there. We ended up all gathering together on a blanket and enjoyed the day's music. There was lots of good music but BT stole the show, IMO. There was a lot of electro house being spun that night, including BT's set... and it blew me away. Some of the sickest beats I'd ever heard. He always puts on a good show. :) I'm glad I was able to share it with Sadao.
After the event, we went to an after-party event. It was at a club... and it was awful. The vibe changed between the event and the club. The vibe at the event was beautiful, loving and fun. We played with beach balls and danced and sang and shared memories and love. The vibe at the club felt like a meat market and it was jarring. So after a couple of hours there, we chose to head home. Mind you, it's about 1:30 a.m. by now.
Sunday, we slept in until about 6 pm. I've been up since then so I'm pretty tired. But it was worth it, I must admit. Now, today, I pay the price for all the fun this past weekend. I have to reset my internal timer and get myself back on a normal schedule again. It sucks, but that's just the way it is. It's not the first time.
All-in-all, it was a great weekend and the event was VERY reminiscent of some of the best times in my life. The only way it could have been better is if absent friends had been able/willing to join us there. I am still hoping and holding out for the day that we can all come back together again and enjoy a party together. One where everyone is there for the music, friends, love and life. It CAN happen if we all let it all go and say, "This day is for us to come together and party and share good times and good music. Only positive, life and love-affirming vibes are allowed. We were all created out of love and are here to celebrate with each other and lift each other up."
Yes, it's a dream... but it's a persistent one in my life and I'll be damned if I give up until we see it happen. Life is short.. and it needs to be celebrated while we have it.
Well, I'm off now to get some work done. Oof... TIRED!
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
A Blah Day
It's a blah day today. I'm a little depressed at my financial situation. Trying not to let it ruin my spirits though. It takes a lot of humor and/or music to get my spirits back up though and eventually one feels like they've heard it all before. For this very reason, I am so thankful for Sadao in my life. We keep each others' spirits up and keep trying to find ways to make the other laugh and smile. The lack of fundage is keeping me from going to visit some friends for Thanksgiving, which sucks. But between that and Sunset 07, I wouldn't be able to afford the gas for all the running around required and normal driving for the next week.
On top of that, poor Nyssa is sick and won't be going now. This sucks because I was really looking forward to sharing this with her. Sadao and I are still going. One might look at this situation and say that it seems selfish to put a concert over visiting friends for the holidays... but with the tickets already paid for, it would also be wasteful to simply throw that money away. Choices, we make them and we live with them. Sometimes we let them make us happy, sad, angry, victimized, etc. It all depends upon the overall mood, I guess, eh?
All in all, I can say that my choices lately have left me in a state of self-quarrel. On the one hand there's the good that comes from sacrifice. The fact that your sacrifice has made a difference in someone else's life. On the other hand, there's that little voice that says, "What are you getting out of all this self-sacrifice other than the feeling that you're a better person for it?"
Whee!
Overall I continue to try to stay in good spirits. My beliefs keep me going, to be honest. I may find them all to be false one day. I may find one day that I had it all wrong and that the reason it's called the "Human Race" is because it's really a race. I've done a lot of studying and listening over the years. I've studied the religions and their teachings. I've studied philosophy. I've lived in the world from various aspects and viewpoints. I've met MANY different people and have heard them describe their beliefs as well.
Some say it's a one-way ticket and once you're done, you're done... there's nothing after that. Some say you move on to a better life or a worse life depending upon how you lived life on Earth. Some say you keep coming back until you've learned all the lessons that life has to teach you (and that they get rougher upon each iteration). Some say you come back unwillingly, usually in some other form. Some say we're all part of the same unified spirit and our energy (temporarily split off from that energy) returns "back to the fold." There are as many opinions on this subject as there are people to make them... so I'm not going to go into all the one's I've heard.
I've taken psychoactive drugs and have explored the mysteries of life under these influences. The experiences I've had and the ideas that have come to mind would all make fabulous trippy movie ideas... but they also weigh heavily on my mind even when not under the influence.
Although I've explored many different theories and possibilities, I still can not conceive of the possibility of non-existence. It just doesn't register. Maybe this is why my attitude toward life is so cavalier. If the work we do, the things we buy, the places we live and the ways we change our physicalities are truly unimportant on a spiritual level, then why bother getting bent out of shape over them? Given that life on this planet, regardless of whether there's an afterlife or not, is tenuous, short and not promised to anyone... then why do we get bent out of shape over what one person or group believes, how they react or interact, whether we're rich or poor, the color of our skin, the way we pass the time, relationship preferences, etc? What's the bloody point?
Here's a good example:
Click Here For the Photo (it's too big for blogger to display)
I love me some Opus. He's been one of my favorites since Bloom County was being freshly produced by Berkeley Breathed. I agree with Opus wholeheartedly here. We have the days where we're holding the umbrella for someone else and the days where they're holding the umbrella for us. Lucky are those who find friends like that. Smart are the ones that hold on to them. Wise are the ones that can see past the physicalities and know that it's only a representation of our spirits' calling.
Regardless, we do what we can, when we can, because we want to. We can blame it on circumstances, obligations, requirements, adjudications, judgments, contracts, confrontations, what-have-you. But in the end, we do what we do because it's what we want to do. I understand a suicidal person's desire for peace. I understand a "well-adjusted" person's desire for excitement. These are the things they don't have that they feel will make their life better (or, in the first example, make their life not suck anymore).
So it comes down to choice again. I've been told that our choices define us and tell others what type of person we are. These are labels just like anything else... and we all like to sticker each other as often as we can. Well, the stickers are just stickers. You can peel them off anytime you don't like them. People weren't meant, in my opinion, to be pigeon-holed and put in little boxes (little boxes on the hillside, little boxes made of ticky-tacky, little boxes on the hill side and they all look just the same).
Yeah... this is what happens to me when I have nothing interesting to do. There's plenty that I could be doing right now... but I have no interest... because of all the things I just said... which in turn keeps me from doing anything that I might get interested in. Some day this journal will stop being updated. Either through my death or my sudden interest in something that occupies all my time and energy.
I hope it's the latter... and I hope it happens soon.
Peace,
Jenna
On top of that, poor Nyssa is sick and won't be going now. This sucks because I was really looking forward to sharing this with her. Sadao and I are still going. One might look at this situation and say that it seems selfish to put a concert over visiting friends for the holidays... but with the tickets already paid for, it would also be wasteful to simply throw that money away. Choices, we make them and we live with them. Sometimes we let them make us happy, sad, angry, victimized, etc. It all depends upon the overall mood, I guess, eh?
All in all, I can say that my choices lately have left me in a state of self-quarrel. On the one hand there's the good that comes from sacrifice. The fact that your sacrifice has made a difference in someone else's life. On the other hand, there's that little voice that says, "What are you getting out of all this self-sacrifice other than the feeling that you're a better person for it?"
Whee!
Overall I continue to try to stay in good spirits. My beliefs keep me going, to be honest. I may find them all to be false one day. I may find one day that I had it all wrong and that the reason it's called the "Human Race" is because it's really a race. I've done a lot of studying and listening over the years. I've studied the religions and their teachings. I've studied philosophy. I've lived in the world from various aspects and viewpoints. I've met MANY different people and have heard them describe their beliefs as well.
Some say it's a one-way ticket and once you're done, you're done... there's nothing after that. Some say you move on to a better life or a worse life depending upon how you lived life on Earth. Some say you keep coming back until you've learned all the lessons that life has to teach you (and that they get rougher upon each iteration). Some say you come back unwillingly, usually in some other form. Some say we're all part of the same unified spirit and our energy (temporarily split off from that energy) returns "back to the fold." There are as many opinions on this subject as there are people to make them... so I'm not going to go into all the one's I've heard.
I've taken psychoactive drugs and have explored the mysteries of life under these influences. The experiences I've had and the ideas that have come to mind would all make fabulous trippy movie ideas... but they also weigh heavily on my mind even when not under the influence.
Although I've explored many different theories and possibilities, I still can not conceive of the possibility of non-existence. It just doesn't register. Maybe this is why my attitude toward life is so cavalier. If the work we do, the things we buy, the places we live and the ways we change our physicalities are truly unimportant on a spiritual level, then why bother getting bent out of shape over them? Given that life on this planet, regardless of whether there's an afterlife or not, is tenuous, short and not promised to anyone... then why do we get bent out of shape over what one person or group believes, how they react or interact, whether we're rich or poor, the color of our skin, the way we pass the time, relationship preferences, etc? What's the bloody point?
Here's a good example:
Click Here For the Photo (it's too big for blogger to display)
I love me some Opus. He's been one of my favorites since Bloom County was being freshly produced by Berkeley Breathed. I agree with Opus wholeheartedly here. We have the days where we're holding the umbrella for someone else and the days where they're holding the umbrella for us. Lucky are those who find friends like that. Smart are the ones that hold on to them. Wise are the ones that can see past the physicalities and know that it's only a representation of our spirits' calling.
Regardless, we do what we can, when we can, because we want to. We can blame it on circumstances, obligations, requirements, adjudications, judgments, contracts, confrontations, what-have-you. But in the end, we do what we do because it's what we want to do. I understand a suicidal person's desire for peace. I understand a "well-adjusted" person's desire for excitement. These are the things they don't have that they feel will make their life better (or, in the first example, make their life not suck anymore).
So it comes down to choice again. I've been told that our choices define us and tell others what type of person we are. These are labels just like anything else... and we all like to sticker each other as often as we can. Well, the stickers are just stickers. You can peel them off anytime you don't like them. People weren't meant, in my opinion, to be pigeon-holed and put in little boxes (little boxes on the hillside, little boxes made of ticky-tacky, little boxes on the hill side and they all look just the same).
Yeah... this is what happens to me when I have nothing interesting to do. There's plenty that I could be doing right now... but I have no interest... because of all the things I just said... which in turn keeps me from doing anything that I might get interested in. Some day this journal will stop being updated. Either through my death or my sudden interest in something that occupies all my time and energy.
I hope it's the latter... and I hope it happens soon.
Peace,
Jenna
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
FOUND IT!!
Hah! Found it!! Not giving it up this time!! Yes, this is vague, yes this is esoteric. Let me clarify (a little).
I found my motivation again. I've discovered the difference between that which makes me happy and that which anesthetizes me, makes me comfortable, lazy and stuck in the endless loop.
In the areas that I've let control me, I am at the weakest I've ever been. And yet I see that life continues on. I have learned the lesson and I know where I want to go and why. Love has won this battle and I'm confident and resolute in my sense of direction. Let all that has tried to destroy this come at me again. I will stand and face it with a steadfast heart for I know now that what I feel is real.
Those who truly care... who TRULY care, rejoice and know that I'm re-emerging a much happier person with a much sounder mind than before.
I've found the love I was looking for. It was right before my eyes so many times and I tried to make it into something else every time. This time, it was resolute in not giving up no matter how much of a fuck-tard I was toward it. Perhaps it takes one retard to relate to another retard. Hellifiknow. All I know is that I can't get over this feeling of beauty and freedom and joy and love ... commitment, conviction, motivation and resolution that is filling me to the brim and overflowing!
It's more than emotion. It's beautiful, crystal-clear clarity. It's knowing that better times through harder times are ahead and I'm finally ready to face that challenge. When someone can sit and realize that the things we do in this life aren't as important as the people we do them with... it is the awakening that is necessary to truly motivate someone.
MUCH LOVE TO ALL!
Peace,
Jenna
UPDATE: Oh hell, I can't hold it in anymore... it's bubbling over within me. I know I've found true love. I've put someone to the test and he's passed with beautiful, flying colors and the clarity I received was that I no longer have to worry no matter what may come. I've been suffering under the hardships of this life, letting it drag me down, letting it rule my thoughts and letting it make me paranoid. But now, I see that nothing is impossible where there is TRUE love involved.
Come what may, I will not fuck this one up! I have made mistakes in the past with this type of love. I have tried to turn it into something that wasn't meant to be. I hurt someone I care about VERY deeply through my own selfishness. But life, love, God, what-have-you, has seen it's way to show me that through the worst of times, Love comes again and lifts us up.
Ready to give it all up and face the hard times? Absolutely! Even if it means never again seeing the one that broke me free from the chains that bound me. Knowing that he loves me that much, to put up with all the negativity that has clouded my life, to put up with and forgive all the crazy stupidity I have unleashed, to live meagerly and patiently for a better time... I know it now... without a shadow of a doubt.
Now, my actions will become swift and aggressive. The road ahead is long and filled with trials, tests and tribulations. But I know now that I'm not alone. There's a difference between being told that you're not alone... and knowing it. I know it now.
God, thank you for bringing him into my life. For his keeping me at arm's length until I had processed and filtered out the shit in my life that was keeping me from truly loving. Thank you for the promise that you will always be there between us, guiding us and helping us to not only live a beautiful, loving life for ourselves and each other... but also for teaching others who are still in the darkness the true meaning of Love.
P.L.U.R. Bitches,
Jennabee
I found my motivation again. I've discovered the difference between that which makes me happy and that which anesthetizes me, makes me comfortable, lazy and stuck in the endless loop.
In the areas that I've let control me, I am at the weakest I've ever been. And yet I see that life continues on. I have learned the lesson and I know where I want to go and why. Love has won this battle and I'm confident and resolute in my sense of direction. Let all that has tried to destroy this come at me again. I will stand and face it with a steadfast heart for I know now that what I feel is real.
Those who truly care... who TRULY care, rejoice and know that I'm re-emerging a much happier person with a much sounder mind than before.
I've found the love I was looking for. It was right before my eyes so many times and I tried to make it into something else every time. This time, it was resolute in not giving up no matter how much of a fuck-tard I was toward it. Perhaps it takes one retard to relate to another retard. Hellifiknow. All I know is that I can't get over this feeling of beauty and freedom and joy and love ... commitment, conviction, motivation and resolution that is filling me to the brim and overflowing!
It's more than emotion. It's beautiful, crystal-clear clarity. It's knowing that better times through harder times are ahead and I'm finally ready to face that challenge. When someone can sit and realize that the things we do in this life aren't as important as the people we do them with... it is the awakening that is necessary to truly motivate someone.
MUCH LOVE TO ALL!
Peace,
Jenna
UPDATE: Oh hell, I can't hold it in anymore... it's bubbling over within me. I know I've found true love. I've put someone to the test and he's passed with beautiful, flying colors and the clarity I received was that I no longer have to worry no matter what may come. I've been suffering under the hardships of this life, letting it drag me down, letting it rule my thoughts and letting it make me paranoid. But now, I see that nothing is impossible where there is TRUE love involved.
Come what may, I will not fuck this one up! I have made mistakes in the past with this type of love. I have tried to turn it into something that wasn't meant to be. I hurt someone I care about VERY deeply through my own selfishness. But life, love, God, what-have-you, has seen it's way to show me that through the worst of times, Love comes again and lifts us up.
Ready to give it all up and face the hard times? Absolutely! Even if it means never again seeing the one that broke me free from the chains that bound me. Knowing that he loves me that much, to put up with all the negativity that has clouded my life, to put up with and forgive all the crazy stupidity I have unleashed, to live meagerly and patiently for a better time... I know it now... without a shadow of a doubt.
Now, my actions will become swift and aggressive. The road ahead is long and filled with trials, tests and tribulations. But I know now that I'm not alone. There's a difference between being told that you're not alone... and knowing it. I know it now.
God, thank you for bringing him into my life. For his keeping me at arm's length until I had processed and filtered out the shit in my life that was keeping me from truly loving. Thank you for the promise that you will always be there between us, guiding us and helping us to not only live a beautiful, loving life for ourselves and each other... but also for teaching others who are still in the darkness the true meaning of Love.
P.L.U.R. Bitches,
Jennabee
Monday, November 19, 2007
Clarity
I just finished watching a beautiful movie called "The Story Of Us." I had never seen it before. I know some people who would say it's mushy, it's fantasy, fiction, whatever. I'm not listening to them right now.... I'm listening to me and what my heart is saying ... saying so loud I can barely think or breathe.
It's the story of a couple that fall in love and over time let the fighting become more to them than the good times they shared together. But at the end, love finally wins and triumphs over all the negativity and assumptions and bullshit that the world brings into their lives.
As I watched it, I found myself thinking about all the people I have loved in my life. But mostly I thought of Rob. I've enacted the same story with many people though. It's not the easiest thing in the world for me to admit when I'm wrong. The times I have let hate, jealousy, envy, fear or anything else win the battles that eventually come up between two people. But it always takes two to tango and yes, I have been guilty of not seeing things through anyone else's eyes but my own. I have been guilty of letting money and worldly bullshit take control of who I am but it's NOT who I am.
I am who I am. The shell I'm in is simply how I express myself. There's not one person in my life that I can't look at or look at a picture of and think of fond memories with them and love that was shared. Why is it so hard to hold onto that? What is it that keeps us from fighting for the love that binds us together? I swear, as God (and all of you) as my witness... I will not let the darkness rule my life anymore. I know it's coming up with new ways to get me... through people, through situations, through so many things. BUT IT WILL NOT WIN!!
To ALL that I have loved in my life. I still love you. I will forever love you. I will make mistakes. I will do what I can to correct them. I will fall every now and then... but I will get right back up and keep trying until I have it right.
Love Always,
Jenna
It's the story of a couple that fall in love and over time let the fighting become more to them than the good times they shared together. But at the end, love finally wins and triumphs over all the negativity and assumptions and bullshit that the world brings into their lives.
As I watched it, I found myself thinking about all the people I have loved in my life. But mostly I thought of Rob. I've enacted the same story with many people though. It's not the easiest thing in the world for me to admit when I'm wrong. The times I have let hate, jealousy, envy, fear or anything else win the battles that eventually come up between two people. But it always takes two to tango and yes, I have been guilty of not seeing things through anyone else's eyes but my own. I have been guilty of letting money and worldly bullshit take control of who I am but it's NOT who I am.
I am who I am. The shell I'm in is simply how I express myself. There's not one person in my life that I can't look at or look at a picture of and think of fond memories with them and love that was shared. Why is it so hard to hold onto that? What is it that keeps us from fighting for the love that binds us together? I swear, as God (and all of you) as my witness... I will not let the darkness rule my life anymore. I know it's coming up with new ways to get me... through people, through situations, through so many things. BUT IT WILL NOT WIN!!
To ALL that I have loved in my life. I still love you. I will forever love you. I will make mistakes. I will do what I can to correct them. I will fall every now and then... but I will get right back up and keep trying until I have it right.
Love Always,
Jenna
Friday, November 16, 2007
Sweet!
I just got off the phone with Kowboi! :) God, I've missed him. He's seen me at my überhigh points and my really REALLY low points. So yeah... I'm riding pretty high right now having chatted with an old friend. :) He's doin' real well up in NY and sounds to be in really good spirits. I'm so glad for that... I've seen him at some pretty low points too... including the last time I saw him. So yeah, life just keeps getting better and better it seems... for everyone. That makes me happy. It seems that the more we concentrate on our own lives and what we need to do, the better it gets (common sense, yes... I hear a very familiar voice in my head coming from a feisty, pig-tailed young woman saying, "I told you, dumbass.") Muaah! Anyway... just had to post my happiness. :) Peace! --Jennabee
Get Over It
"Act your age!" "Dress your age!" "Be your age!" BAH! Yeah, so I'm wearing some beaded bracelets today and my macrame one. I went outside for a smoke and a co-worker asked if I'd been gettin' into the beads. I said, yeah and pointed out the ones I had made recently and then the macrame one. She said, "Well, if you ask me, the macrame one is more appropriate for your age."
Are there really things that are more appropriate for one age vs another? One gender vs. another? One body type vs. another? One lifestyle vs. another? WTF people?! GET OVER IT! Why on earth would you want to stop doing something you enjoy if you're still able to do it and you still enjoy it? Now, if you're not able to do it... then yeah... I understand. But making and wearing bracelets isn't exactly rocket science or strenuous activity. If you're not enjoying it anymore, then duh... stop... find something you do enjoy and stick with it until you don't anymore.
So how did I handle the situation? I looked at her and said, "That's your opinion." She said, "Yup, you're right." My opinion is different. Perhaps that's just the outlaw in me coming out but hell... I've done enough changing for people. This is just another example of the negativity I experience on a day-to-day basis. It's why I don't hang out with her on a daily basis or go to her house and such.
It's not about fantasy and puffy clouds and rainbows and all that. It's not dwelling in a fantasy land... at least not for me. It's as real as anything else is to me in this life. I understand the realities of this life too. I know what I've given up and what I've done for the sake of having someone else like me, whatever, blah blah. I'm not interested in making someone like me or keeping someone from not liking me. I'm just doin' MY thing. If you like it, hang out with me. If not, piss off... I'm too busy to listen to you kvetch about it.
Whew. Now that I've vented that crap I feel better.
Peace,
Jenna
Wheeeee!
Are there really things that are more appropriate for one age vs another? One gender vs. another? One body type vs. another? One lifestyle vs. another? WTF people?! GET OVER IT! Why on earth would you want to stop doing something you enjoy if you're still able to do it and you still enjoy it? Now, if you're not able to do it... then yeah... I understand. But making and wearing bracelets isn't exactly rocket science or strenuous activity. If you're not enjoying it anymore, then duh... stop... find something you do enjoy and stick with it until you don't anymore.
So how did I handle the situation? I looked at her and said, "That's your opinion." She said, "Yup, you're right." My opinion is different. Perhaps that's just the outlaw in me coming out but hell... I've done enough changing for people. This is just another example of the negativity I experience on a day-to-day basis. It's why I don't hang out with her on a daily basis or go to her house and such.
It's not about fantasy and puffy clouds and rainbows and all that. It's not dwelling in a fantasy land... at least not for me. It's as real as anything else is to me in this life. I understand the realities of this life too. I know what I've given up and what I've done for the sake of having someone else like me, whatever, blah blah. I'm not interested in making someone like me or keeping someone from not liking me. I'm just doin' MY thing. If you like it, hang out with me. If not, piss off... I'm too busy to listen to you kvetch about it.
Whew. Now that I've vented that crap I feel better.
Peace,
Jenna
Gristle Day?
So today's Holiday is Gristle Day. Uhm... yeah. I don't make these up... someone else did... I'm just reporting it. Personally, I'd much rather celebrate the one-day anniversary of Birthday Suit Day but... rules are rules. So, here's some nice tasty gristle for ya.
Looks fabulous, doesn't it? Okay, moving right along. 8 days to Sunset 07. It's a week from tomorrow. :) I'm gettin' all excited. :) Jose and Nyssa are coming up on Friday and we're gonna hang out for a while before Jose has to go back to PSL. Then Nyssa, Sadao and I are all headed to St. Pete once Sadao gets off work. Then on Saturday, it's off to Vinoy Park! W00t! I'm really looking forward to this event (yeah, I know... I talk about it all the time so it's obvious). The closer we get to the date, the more excited I get and the less drama I am letting affect me. It's like getting cleansed of all the negativity which dares to pollute my mind.
This, again, is why I'm going. It's why I make the bracelets, play the video games, spin records, write code, etc. etc. It's to experience and enjoy life without the interference of the negativity that comes at me on almost a daily basis. People tell me about their problems with other people, how these others act and how they don't like it, etc. etc. Blah blah blah... just shut up and dance or something fun, for God's sake.
Here's a piece of advice for anyone and everyone out there. Happiness is something that YOU create for yourself. If you find that you're unhappy when you're around someone... you can either try to bring them to the place where you will be happy around them... or you can walk away from that situation. If you find that you're unhappy with your location, your job, your surroundings, etc., then YOU have the power to make those changes. Make it right for you, regardless of what others may think about it.
I know it's hard... especially when someone you REALLY care about is spilling out the negative vibes. In that case, if you really care, let them vent, listen to them and do what you can to help without getting wrapped up in a "pledge of allegiance." As Jesus said, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Treat others the way you want to be treated. If you tend to get treated by people in a way that you don't like... check yourself and your own actions and see if maybe you started that with them. Maybe they're just "returning the favor." Maybe they figure that if you treat others that way, that's the way you want to be treated too. It's worth a shot.
Okay, now that I've given you two forms of gristle today... here's some news. I managed to make a macrame bracelet that doesn't totally suck! Yay! I'm gonna keep practicing and learning the knots and try to make some fun and interesting pieces.
And with that, I'll close this entry.
Peace,
Jenna
This, again, is why I'm going. It's why I make the bracelets, play the video games, spin records, write code, etc. etc. It's to experience and enjoy life without the interference of the negativity that comes at me on almost a daily basis. People tell me about their problems with other people, how these others act and how they don't like it, etc. etc. Blah blah blah... just shut up and dance or something fun, for God's sake.
Here's a piece of advice for anyone and everyone out there. Happiness is something that YOU create for yourself. If you find that you're unhappy when you're around someone... you can either try to bring them to the place where you will be happy around them... or you can walk away from that situation. If you find that you're unhappy with your location, your job, your surroundings, etc., then YOU have the power to make those changes. Make it right for you, regardless of what others may think about it.
I know it's hard... especially when someone you REALLY care about is spilling out the negative vibes. In that case, if you really care, let them vent, listen to them and do what you can to help without getting wrapped up in a "pledge of allegiance." As Jesus said, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Treat others the way you want to be treated. If you tend to get treated by people in a way that you don't like... check yourself and your own actions and see if maybe you started that with them. Maybe they're just "returning the favor." Maybe they figure that if you treat others that way, that's the way you want to be treated too. It's worth a shot.
Okay, now that I've given you two forms of gristle today... here's some news. I managed to make a macrame bracelet that doesn't totally suck! Yay! I'm gonna keep practicing and learning the knots and try to make some fun and interesting pieces.
And with that, I'll close this entry.
Peace,
Jenna
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Hmmm....
Oh my.... today's holiday is Birthday Suit Day!! Oh yeah... the day we celebrate that fine set of threads given to us by our creators. Heh... I've been waiting for this day for a long time, let me tell ya. I plan to make sure it's a well commemorated holiday. *evil grin*
So, I've gone back to the hoary netherworld which is Myspace. I finally found a way to incorporate my blog here on Myspace so it's all good. I didn't want to move everything AGAIN. I'm using an RSS widget that gives me the ability to put an abridged version of my blog there. Clicking on an entry there opens a new tab or window and brings you here. Yay!
Moving right along... it's now 10 days til Sunset. I was going to do a video documentary blog of the 10 days before Sunset but I can't find my video camera. I'm not sure what I did with it. I might have left it at the house. I checked through all the boxes in storage about 3 times each, checked my car and checked the apartment. I might go out and get a relatively inexpensive webcam to do the trick, tho.
What else is going on... I think I mentioned my macrame failure. Well, I'm not done trying. I made a ton of beaded bracelets yesterday and a necklace using a charm that a friend at work gave me. It has the chinese symbol for Long Life on it. I also finally used some of the hematite beads that Stacy gave me.
I like the way it turned out and it's something I can wear on an everyday type of day basis. The bracelets I made are more party-wear stuff. Anyway, as I get better with macrame, I'll post some pictures.
At any rate, that's my post for today. Later peeps.
Peace,
Jenna
P.S. Good luck with the stress test tomorrow, Mom. Don't forget, it's not a race. :-P
So, I've gone back to the hoary netherworld which is Myspace. I finally found a way to incorporate my blog here on Myspace so it's all good. I didn't want to move everything AGAIN. I'm using an RSS widget that gives me the ability to put an abridged version of my blog there. Clicking on an entry there opens a new tab or window and brings you here. Yay!
Moving right along... it's now 10 days til Sunset. I was going to do a video documentary blog of the 10 days before Sunset but I can't find my video camera. I'm not sure what I did with it. I might have left it at the house. I checked through all the boxes in storage about 3 times each, checked my car and checked the apartment. I might go out and get a relatively inexpensive webcam to do the trick, tho.
What else is going on... I think I mentioned my macrame failure. Well, I'm not done trying. I made a ton of beaded bracelets yesterday and a necklace using a charm that a friend at work gave me. It has the chinese symbol for Long Life on it. I also finally used some of the hematite beads that Stacy gave me.
I like the way it turned out and it's something I can wear on an everyday type of day basis. The bracelets I made are more party-wear stuff. Anyway, as I get better with macrame, I'll post some pictures.
At any rate, that's my post for today. Later peeps.
Peace,
Jenna
P.S. Good luck with the stress test tomorrow, Mom. Don't forget, it's not a race. :-P
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Happy Weak Day
Today is Weak Day. What does that mean? I dunno, but I sorta feel that way today so I guess it's apropos. Yesterday was a busy day. I got a lot done so I'm pretty happy about that. I'm getting better at recognizing the negativity in others and letting it bounce off of me again. I got it from four different angles yesterday and still managed to keep my spirits up. :)
Keeping clear of negativity is pretty much impossible. Every day, someone out there is going to have something negative to say about something or someone else. And they'll want me to hear all about it if I'm within an appropriate proximity to catch it from them. Filtering and processing that stuff doesn't help my mood usually, though.
Starting new projects (like my first macrame project yesterday) has helped with that. It's given me something else to focus on other than everyone else's gossip, opinions and bullshit. I finished Portal yesterday. It was very fun but I'm sad because now I have nothing new to play and occupy my mind. I got stumped a couple of times, but I eventually worked it out. I highly recommend it.
At any rate, that's my post for the day. More later.
Peace,
Jenna
Keeping clear of negativity is pretty much impossible. Every day, someone out there is going to have something negative to say about something or someone else. And they'll want me to hear all about it if I'm within an appropriate proximity to catch it from them. Filtering and processing that stuff doesn't help my mood usually, though.
Starting new projects (like my first macrame project yesterday) has helped with that. It's given me something else to focus on other than everyone else's gossip, opinions and bullshit. I finished Portal yesterday. It was very fun but I'm sad because now I have nothing new to play and occupy my mind. I got stumped a couple of times, but I eventually worked it out. I highly recommend it.
At any rate, that's my post for the day. More later.
Peace,
Jenna
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Slacker!
Yeah... that's me... big slacker. My mom called me today and since I hadn't called in a while or posted to my journal she got concerned. Well, it was a busy weekend that I really don't feel like talking about, to be honest... glad it's over. At any rate, I *am* still alive and kicking (and screaming from time to time) and here are your holidays for yesterday and today.
Yesterday was Macramé Day!! It's really a shame I didn't pay more attention to this yesterday... I love macramé! I wish I knew how to do it... it looks like it would be fun, interesting, productive, etc. See?
Today is simply known as Festerval!! What is Festerval? I have no clue. The Urban Dictionary has no entry for it so I don't know what to tell you. It sorta sounds like a celebration that is oozing with pus or mucus or something... fester ... festival... but then I'm probably wrong there. Whatever it is, find some and enjoy it would ya? Sheese... what do you need, a written invitation?
Peace,
Jenna
Yesterday was Macramé Day!! It's really a shame I didn't pay more attention to this yesterday... I love macramé! I wish I knew how to do it... it looks like it would be fun, interesting, productive, etc. See?
Today is simply known as Festerval!! What is Festerval? I have no clue. The Urban Dictionary has no entry for it so I don't know what to tell you. It sorta sounds like a celebration that is oozing with pus or mucus or something... fester ... festival... but then I'm probably wrong there. Whatever it is, find some and enjoy it would ya? Sheese... what do you need, a written invitation?
Peace,
Jenna
Friday, November 9, 2007
My Letter to Santa
Dear Santa...Dear Santa,
This year I've been busy!
Last Wednesday "harmonatrix" and I donated clothes to the needy (11 points). In October I didn't flush (-1 points). In November I gave change to a homeless guy (19 points). Last week I helped "twink" hide a body (-173 points). Last Tuesday I invaded Orlando, broke it, and couldn't glue it back together before Mom got home (-1012 points).
Overall, I've been naughty (-1156 points). For Christmas I deserve a spanking!
Sincerely,
pureplurgirl
Apparently I've been naughty... hmmm. Well, the spanking doesn't sound too bad tho. ;) And check it out... -1156 points! Fun fun... thanks
Peace, Jenna
Something I forgot to post when it happened...
I meant to post this the day the conversation happened, but I forgot. Only certain peeps will get this but I had a good time with it. It's a couple of discussions, one between Heather and myself and one between Jose and I that were both filled with geeky fun. Enjoy (if you're so inclined).
Peace,
Jenna
[14:25] ls1grrrl: maybe it's a conspiracy.. they're all out to eff with me
[14:26] pureplurgirl: heh... and whether it is or not, they may or may not be...
[14:26] ls1grrrl: need tin foil
[14:26] pureplurgirl: Schroedinger's Heisenburger with Cheese
[14:27] ls1grrrl: mmm yummy
[14:28] pureplurgirl: LOL... how fabulous would that be? "Hey, what's that you're eating?" "Uhm.... I'm not quite sure, actually."
[14:28] ls1grrrl: it's like a party in my mouth
[14:29] pureplurgirl: wow... my brain just poofed on that one
[14:30] ls1grrrl: (icecream)(balloon)(bunny)
[14:30] ls1grrrl: whee
[14:31] pureplurgirl: "It might taste like oriental food... or possibly Hydrocyanic Acid"
[14:34] pureplurgirl: "I'll have a Schroedinger's Heisenburger, hold the Quantum Decoherence" "Oh, I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid we can't leave off the Quantum Decoherence... if you want that, just order the dead cat. It's less expensive, anyway."
[14:34] ls1grrrl: tasty!
[13:39] jbueno6822: hrm... Schrödinger's Object just doesn't roll off the toungeThe idea of a Jenna class is so appealing. Maybe I could debug it then. ;-) Well, until next time...
[13:42] jbueno6822: trying to describe an object that implements two absofreakinlutely identical interfaces simultaneously, and, until its called, can't know which one is being implemented
[13:43] pureplurgirl: oooh.... the Jenna class
[13:43] jbueno6822: ....
[13:43] jbueno6822: wow
[13:43] pureplurgirl: come on now... THAT was DAMN funny
[13:43] jbueno6822: uh huh....
[13:43] jbueno6822: <-- chortling
[13:44] jbueno6822: <-- still giggling
[13:44] pureplurgirl: hehehe
[13:44] pureplurgirl: you're tempted to call it that now, aren't ya?
[13:45] jbueno6822: soooo tempted.
[13:45] jbueno6822: hmm... heisen-face or Jenna...?
[13:45] jbueno6822: quantum interface ;)
Peace,
Jenna
Holidays through the Weekend and Other Notations
Let's start off with the holidays. I missed a couple of days so we'll backtrack first.
Nov 7 - Nostril Day Ah yes, a day devoted to those all-important orifices that actually aid in the sense of taste (not to mention smell). So important are these little boogers (no pun intended)... they provide us with valuable information about the cleanliness of our co-workers, family and friends, the location of tasty consumables, the dangers of brown slippery substances on the ground (ewww!), and so many other wonders. So celebrate these cavernous doorways to our olfactories! Oh wait, the day's already passed... so just blow yours and say a prayer or something. I dunno.
Nov 8 - Unfair Advantage Day Ya know, this was yesterday and I personally know some people that celebrated this day well. I, on the other hand, did not. I was too busy trying to deal with a cold that had an unfair advantage on my sinuses. Figures the day after Nostril Day I would get a cold. Yay!
Nov 9 - Short Bus Day Now THIS is a day to celebrate! Hell yea! How I wanted to ride/drive the short bus. There are many advantages to being retarded, I think. Society treats them like the elite now. They used to be the butt of many jokes but they have overcome and shown that they can be productive members of society too. Now people see the errors of their way and go out of their way to stand up for the retarded. Hmmm... maybe I'm not as smart as aretard developmentally-challenged person after all...
Nov 10 - First day of Cheese Wheel Week!! My ex should be extremely happy about this event. However, I can't imagine a cheese wheel that would keep him busy for any entire week. That would be MASSIVE. :) Regardless, I think I'll just get a bag of Cheetos (the puffy kind) and eat those. I like my cheese processed into powder and used to coat environmentally safe packing peanuts. :) Yeah... moving right along.
Nov 11 - Loss of Innocence Day An entire day to celebrate the loss of innocence, eh? This happened a long time ago for me... and I've spent every day since then trying to find it again... I think I left it in an old pair of pants... well... it wasn't that old... YEAH... moving right along! At any rate... you already know how to celebrate this one (I hope)... if not... then come sit by me and I'll "explain" it to you. :)
As far as other events... Nyssa and I are all-systems go for Sunset '07. W00t! The hotel has been reserved, the tickets have been purchased, and we're ready to go already. Heheh. This will be her first "psuedo-rave" event and I'm so glad to be part of that! It's definitely a fun time to just let go and let the music take over for a few hours. Countdown as of today stands at 2 weeks.
I've worked out my financial future for the next two months and it's not exactly happy ... but it's livable. Provided that I don't get fired for posting to my live journal from work, I should be okay. But then again, if that does happen, a whole new set of circumstances comes into play that might be interesting to see in action too. It would certainly help me separate the wheat from the chaff in my life. But for the record (God, are you reading?) ... I am requesting the strength to carry on with the plan I've designed... not asking for another disastrous miracle. I'm good with things the way they are, thank you very much. :)
Romance... yeah... whatever. It's a foreign word these days. I actually had an opportunity to go out on a date not long ago and I passed it up because Sadao was sick. I felt that it was more important to be there for a friend than to indulge myself on a date. (ouch... I think I pulled something while patting myself on the back there). I think it was a good thing anyway. I met the guy on the internet and it was on a "dating" site. So I was feeling that "this is a date" vibe and the awkwardness that comes with that and blah blah blah! I think maybe I should be looking for the guy that's not looking for a date but likes the same stuff I do and likes doing those things with me (and vice versa of course). That sounds more fun to me than dealing with an interpersonal emotional crapfest anyway.
That's about all I have to share at the moment, I guess. More later.
Peace,
Jenna
Nov 7 - Nostril Day Ah yes, a day devoted to those all-important orifices that actually aid in the sense of taste (not to mention smell). So important are these little boogers (no pun intended)... they provide us with valuable information about the cleanliness of our co-workers, family and friends, the location of tasty consumables, the dangers of brown slippery substances on the ground (ewww!), and so many other wonders. So celebrate these cavernous doorways to our olfactories! Oh wait, the day's already passed... so just blow yours and say a prayer or something. I dunno.
Nov 8 - Unfair Advantage Day Ya know, this was yesterday and I personally know some people that celebrated this day well. I, on the other hand, did not. I was too busy trying to deal with a cold that had an unfair advantage on my sinuses. Figures the day after Nostril Day I would get a cold. Yay!
Nov 9 - Short Bus Day Now THIS is a day to celebrate! Hell yea! How I wanted to ride/drive the short bus. There are many advantages to being retarded, I think. Society treats them like the elite now. They used to be the butt of many jokes but they have overcome and shown that they can be productive members of society too. Now people see the errors of their way and go out of their way to stand up for the retarded. Hmmm... maybe I'm not as smart as a
Nov 10 - First day of Cheese Wheel Week!! My ex should be extremely happy about this event. However, I can't imagine a cheese wheel that would keep him busy for any entire week. That would be MASSIVE. :) Regardless, I think I'll just get a bag of Cheetos (the puffy kind) and eat those. I like my cheese processed into powder and used to coat environmentally safe packing peanuts. :) Yeah... moving right along.
Nov 11 - Loss of Innocence Day An entire day to celebrate the loss of innocence, eh? This happened a long time ago for me... and I've spent every day since then trying to find it again... I think I left it in an old pair of pants... well... it wasn't that old... YEAH... moving right along! At any rate... you already know how to celebrate this one (I hope)... if not... then come sit by me and I'll "explain" it to you. :)
As far as other events... Nyssa and I are all-systems go for Sunset '07. W00t! The hotel has been reserved, the tickets have been purchased, and we're ready to go already. Heheh. This will be her first "psuedo-rave" event and I'm so glad to be part of that! It's definitely a fun time to just let go and let the music take over for a few hours. Countdown as of today stands at 2 weeks.
I've worked out my financial future for the next two months and it's not exactly happy ... but it's livable. Provided that I don't get fired for posting to my live journal from work, I should be okay. But then again, if that does happen, a whole new set of circumstances comes into play that might be interesting to see in action too. It would certainly help me separate the wheat from the chaff in my life. But for the record (God, are you reading?) ... I am requesting the strength to carry on with the plan I've designed... not asking for another disastrous miracle. I'm good with things the way they are, thank you very much. :)
Romance... yeah... whatever. It's a foreign word these days. I actually had an opportunity to go out on a date not long ago and I passed it up because Sadao was sick. I felt that it was more important to be there for a friend than to indulge myself on a date. (ouch... I think I pulled something while patting myself on the back there). I think it was a good thing anyway. I met the guy on the internet and it was on a "dating" site. So I was feeling that "this is a date" vibe and the awkwardness that comes with that and blah blah blah! I think maybe I should be looking for the guy that's not looking for a date but likes the same stuff I do and likes doing those things with me (and vice versa of course). That sounds more fun to me than dealing with an interpersonal emotional crapfest anyway.
That's about all I have to share at the moment, I guess. More later.
Peace,
Jenna
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Happy Dialectic Day
There's quite a few definitions in the dictionary for dialectic but they all pretty much center around logical argumentation. So, it's the argumentative process... in an attempt to explain, reason and justify a viewpoint.
A couple other definitions:
Some people like conflict, I think. It gives them a high of sorts. It gives them something to be right about and oooh we know how GOOD it feels to be right. But in truth, everyone is right in their own perspective and that will not change anytime soon. Being told we're wrong never feels good... we tend to seek out others that agree with our standpoint and then firm up our beliefs and enter into the conflict again.
But what if we saw the conflict for what it was... and just agreed not to participate in it. What if we agreed that the conflict was what drove us apart in the first place... regardless of what it was about? Ahh... then we might agree to come together and focus on things that make us laugh and join together rather than things that drive us apart. Self drives us apart and keeps us away from others. Trust brings us together. Trust is a hard thing to do sometimes, tho. Especially with self sitting there telling us all the things that we love to hear... because ... it's right.
Now... take this into every part of your life. Your friends, your family, your work, your play, your beliefs, everything. How much is driven by self? Are you trying to make your friends like you? Are you trying to make your family love you? Are you trying to impress your boss and elevate yourself over your co-workers? Are you trying to be the best at sports and games to elevate yourself? Are you showing off your piety and devotion?
It's SOOOO easy... Lord knows I've slipped up and found myself all wrapped up in myself many times. It's an easy thing to do. We live with ourselves 24 hours a day, 7 days a week... and we're all bombarded by selfish propaganda every day. As Ghandi said when asked what he thought about western civilization.... "I think it would be a very good idea!" Hopefully, y'all got that. :)
Peace Bitches,
Jenna
A couple other definitions:
- A method of argument or exposition that systematically weighs contradictory facts or ideas with a view to the resolution of their real or apparent contradictions.
- The contradiction between two conflicting forces viewed as the determining factor in their continuing interaction.
Some people like conflict, I think. It gives them a high of sorts. It gives them something to be right about and oooh we know how GOOD it feels to be right. But in truth, everyone is right in their own perspective and that will not change anytime soon. Being told we're wrong never feels good... we tend to seek out others that agree with our standpoint and then firm up our beliefs and enter into the conflict again.
But what if we saw the conflict for what it was... and just agreed not to participate in it. What if we agreed that the conflict was what drove us apart in the first place... regardless of what it was about? Ahh... then we might agree to come together and focus on things that make us laugh and join together rather than things that drive us apart. Self drives us apart and keeps us away from others. Trust brings us together. Trust is a hard thing to do sometimes, tho. Especially with self sitting there telling us all the things that we love to hear... because ... it's right.
Now... take this into every part of your life. Your friends, your family, your work, your play, your beliefs, everything. How much is driven by self? Are you trying to make your friends like you? Are you trying to make your family love you? Are you trying to impress your boss and elevate yourself over your co-workers? Are you trying to be the best at sports and games to elevate yourself? Are you showing off your piety and devotion?
It's SOOOO easy... Lord knows I've slipped up and found myself all wrapped up in myself many times. It's an easy thing to do. We live with ourselves 24 hours a day, 7 days a week... and we're all bombarded by selfish propaganda every day. As Ghandi said when asked what he thought about western civilization.... "I think it would be a very good idea!" Hopefully, y'all got that. :)
Peace Bitches,
Jenna
Family Found
So last night, Sadao and I went to meet my "daughter," Fallon. It was my first time meeting her. *sigh* ... She's has such a sweet and tender heart and I know right where she's at in life right now... just at the beginning of the adventure. She's getting a head start on me, though... which is good. Hopefully she'll go through her renaissance and dark ages, etc. a lot sooner. We sat and chatted for a while, drank a little, smoked a little and just had a nice visit. It was a lot of fun and I'm looking forward to seeing her again soon.
The road trip was good for Sadao and I, too. I'm learning a lot about myself in the vein of "who I've been" to people that I just didn't realize I was doing. I've been controlling, manipulative, ego-centric, ritualistic, and overall just... not a fun character to be around. Friendship should not come with expectations. If I'm doing something for a friend, it should be because that's what I want to do... not because I expect something from them in return... that's a partnership.
I'm not learning these things through chastisement, tho... thank heavens... I think I've had enough of that. I'm learning them by comparing how I feel when I'm truly loving and thoughtful as opposed to being self-centered and ego-driven. When I'm the latter, I tend to be very down... always thinking about what I should have and how much I deserve better, etc. But the facts are the facts. I'm just a lump of animated flesh like everyone else on this planet. I've let people's words and actions lift me onto such a high plateau that I've become a power-hungry bitch. And that is totally not me. Coming down off that plateau isn't easy... in fact it's pretty painful (in more ways than one). But I'm dusting myself off, laughing at my scars and beginning to laugh more at life... and that's what's important.
I think with time, I may actually get completely back to where I'm supposed to be. Life is a trip (again, in more ways than one) and the journey is sometimes very rough for all of us. But we will make it if we do it together. I still believe that.
The road trip was good for Sadao and I, too. I'm learning a lot about myself in the vein of "who I've been" to people that I just didn't realize I was doing. I've been controlling, manipulative, ego-centric, ritualistic, and overall just... not a fun character to be around. Friendship should not come with expectations. If I'm doing something for a friend, it should be because that's what I want to do... not because I expect something from them in return... that's a partnership.
I'm not learning these things through chastisement, tho... thank heavens... I think I've had enough of that. I'm learning them by comparing how I feel when I'm truly loving and thoughtful as opposed to being self-centered and ego-driven. When I'm the latter, I tend to be very down... always thinking about what I should have and how much I deserve better, etc. But the facts are the facts. I'm just a lump of animated flesh like everyone else on this planet. I've let people's words and actions lift me onto such a high plateau that I've become a power-hungry bitch. And that is totally not me. Coming down off that plateau isn't easy... in fact it's pretty painful (in more ways than one). But I'm dusting myself off, laughing at my scars and beginning to laugh more at life... and that's what's important.
I think with time, I may actually get completely back to where I'm supposed to be. Life is a trip (again, in more ways than one) and the journey is sometimes very rough for all of us. But we will make it if we do it together. I still believe that.
Monday, November 5, 2007
La la la
Nov 2nd - Boy Band Awareness Day - Yes, Friday we were all to be aware of boy-bands. I don't think that's too hard since they're all over the place in Florida. It's almost as if Disney has a big machine somewhere that spits them out once every few years just to keep there from being a vacuum. Nature abhors a vacuum and Disney is so natural you know.
Nov 3rd - Exhibitionism Day - I think I celebrated this early this year. I won't say how or why but I'm pretty sure it was early this year.
Nov 4th - Erection Day - Yes, this usually follows exhibitionism ... however I think this year this particular holiday passed us by without notice. Typical.
Nov 5th - Disposable Applicator Day - Whee! I'm not even doing to talk about this.
So, life is having it's ups and downs again. Just when I think I've got everything balanced within my life, something else comes along and unbalances it. I end up overextending myself and keep the ones I care about from hitting the ground too hard, but then I end up looking like I've been through the Spanish inquisition. Yes, I know the pope apologized for that... big whoop. Moving right along.
I seem to be getting very good at making people uncomfortable. Is this my lot in life? Am I destined not to experience a true, deep and meaningful relationship? Am I only allowed to have a sample, a taste of it and then have it yanked away at the first inkling that I'm interested in it? Seems to be. I guess I should be as I was before, simple-minded, thinking only of myself and not concerned about anything else. Give because I want to give and for no other reasons or expectations. Live my life, get it under control and not let my heart bleed so much.
I think it's time to listen to a song and move on. Here's the song... have a great day folks. Do what you gotta to make things right.
Nov 3rd - Exhibitionism Day - I think I celebrated this early this year. I won't say how or why but I'm pretty sure it was early this year.
Nov 4th - Erection Day - Yes, this usually follows exhibitionism ... however I think this year this particular holiday passed us by without notice. Typical.
Nov 5th - Disposable Applicator Day - Whee! I'm not even doing to talk about this.
So, life is having it's ups and downs again. Just when I think I've got everything balanced within my life, something else comes along and unbalances it. I end up overextending myself and keep the ones I care about from hitting the ground too hard, but then I end up looking like I've been through the Spanish inquisition. Yes, I know the pope apologized for that... big whoop. Moving right along.
I seem to be getting very good at making people uncomfortable. Is this my lot in life? Am I destined not to experience a true, deep and meaningful relationship? Am I only allowed to have a sample, a taste of it and then have it yanked away at the first inkling that I'm interested in it? Seems to be. I guess I should be as I was before, simple-minded, thinking only of myself and not concerned about anything else. Give because I want to give and for no other reasons or expectations. Live my life, get it under control and not let my heart bleed so much.
I think it's time to listen to a song and move on. Here's the song... have a great day folks. Do what you gotta to make things right.
Quarterflash - Harden My Heart
Cryin' on the corner, waitin' in the rain
I swear I'll never, ever wait again
You gave me your word..but words for you are lies
Darlin' in my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd go
But it's time to let you know....oh...
Chorus:
I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
I'm gonna turn...and...leave you here.....
All of my life I've been waitin' in the rain
I've been waiting for a feeling...that never, ever came
It feels so close, but always disappears....
Darlin', in your wildest dreams, you never had a clue...
But it's time you got the news......oooo....
Repeat Chorus
I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
Harden my heart...harden my heart...
swallow my tears
I'm gonna harden my heart....
Cryin' on the corner, waitin' in the rain
I swear I'll never, ever wait again
You gave me your word..but words for you are lies
Darlin' in my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd go
But it's time to let you know....oh...
Chorus:
I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
I'm gonna turn...and...leave you here.....
All of my life I've been waitin' in the rain
I've been waiting for a feeling...that never, ever came
It feels so close, but always disappears....
Darlin', in your wildest dreams, you never had a clue...
But it's time you got the news......oooo....
Repeat Chorus
I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
Harden my heart...harden my heart...
swallow my tears
I'm gonna harden my heart....
Peace,
Jenna
Jenna
Oof...
This world keeps getting more and more frightening every day. Today's xkcd comic sent my brain through another vortex. There are far too many people out there who are simultaneously experiencing the same emotional state as me. Check it:
*sigh* ... I've been the guy with the hair, I've been the girl... now it seems I'm the bald guy. Hmm... unnecessary overly dramatic sheep dip, you say? Perhaps. Perhaps I should be thankful for what I have even though I know it could be taken away at any moment in time. Argh... this see-saw is getting on my nerves. I'm not sure how I always end up doing it but I seem to always end up treating people exactly the way they don't want to be treated ... through no intentions of doing so, mind you. This is bringing me, full circle, back again to the concept of non-interference.
*sigh^2* ... So I guess the true answer to why I'm going through all this is simple. Everyone is bound to hate me for my actions on one day or another for one reason or another. If I do x ... I neglect y. If I do y... I ignore x. I can't make everyone happy nor will I try to anymore. I'll just make myself happy and those around me can work that out for themselves. If something I'm doing for myself makes them unhappy or make them feel I'm insensitive, that's their insecurities not mine. I'm so tired of being apologetic and wrapped up in tales of misery and woe. Why can't I turn this around? I don't know. But I'm starting to really get tired of it going the direction it's going.
So, with that, I'm going to get on this code and try to get some work done.
*sigh* ... I've been the guy with the hair, I've been the girl... now it seems I'm the bald guy. Hmm... unnecessary overly dramatic sheep dip, you say? Perhaps. Perhaps I should be thankful for what I have even though I know it could be taken away at any moment in time. Argh... this see-saw is getting on my nerves. I'm not sure how I always end up doing it but I seem to always end up treating people exactly the way they don't want to be treated ... through no intentions of doing so, mind you. This is bringing me, full circle, back again to the concept of non-interference.
*sigh^2* ... So I guess the true answer to why I'm going through all this is simple. Everyone is bound to hate me for my actions on one day or another for one reason or another. If I do x ... I neglect y. If I do y... I ignore x. I can't make everyone happy nor will I try to anymore. I'll just make myself happy and those around me can work that out for themselves. If something I'm doing for myself makes them unhappy or make them feel I'm insensitive, that's their insecurities not mine. I'm so tired of being apologetic and wrapped up in tales of misery and woe. Why can't I turn this around? I don't know. But I'm starting to really get tired of it going the direction it's going.
So, with that, I'm going to get on this code and try to get some work done.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Follow up to " ... le sigh ... "
I could have just edited my last entry, but I chose to write again instead. What it boils down to, I think, are two words... "If Only"
In my book, "If Only" is a shortened version of "If and Only If." If and only if, in logic and fields that rely on it such as mathematics and philosophy, is a logical connective between statements which means that the truth of either one of the statements requires the truth of the other. Thus, either both statements are true, or both are false.
In writing, common alternative phrases to "if and only if" include iff, Q is necessary and sufficient for P, P is equivalent to Q, P precisely if Q, P precisely (or exactly) when Q, P exactly in case Q, and P just in case Q.
The statement "(P iff Q)" is equivalent to the statement "not (P xor Q)" or "P == Q" in computer science.
If Only you had a penis. If Only you had a vagina. If Only you wore makeup. If Only you hadn't changed. If Only you didn't smoke, drink, do drugs, pick your nose, wear those clothes, smell like vanilla. If Only you were shorter, taller, prettier, more masculine, more feminine, fatter, skinnier, hairier, less hairy, healthier, more spontaneous, smarter, less risky, sexier, younger, older, wiser, richer, poorer, around n years ago.... it goes ON and ON and ON and ON.
As my mother would say, there's only one out there in all of existence that will 100% accept me for who I am and that's God. Well, that's all fine and dandy but, gosh darn it, why is it as it is? Why can't someone accept me... ALL of me... all my faults and foibles, all my highs and lows, my past, present and unknown future?
I keep telling myself and others that I'm not perfect as if to justify my shortcomings to others. But I was happier when I knew was perfect; regardless of whether it was true to someone else or not. It seems, most times, that these shortcomings, as identified by others, are only shortcomings to them, not to me. Am I to change myself that drastically for the comfort of another? Is the compromise that important? Why would one who is complete in Love ask another to compromise themselves for one's sake? I guess I just won't compromise myself for the sake of another and would never think to ask another to compromise for my sake (I have been accused of that, tho). Sounds like a lonely existence... and hence is the answer to my problem. I am stubborn and pig-headed and I am attracted to those that are similar in nature.
Or maybe, just maybe, I'm just so devastated at the loss of Love in my life that I've become too gun-shy to budge on my ideas. When I change to accommodate another, I give up a piece of myself that I would have hoped they would have loved just as much as the rest of me. This is closer to the truth now. I'm too scared to give my full trust to another anymore, given my past experiences. When the act of giving is rejected, taken for granted, received without joy or not reciprocated... it becomes less symbiotic and more parasitic.
So yeah... that's it in a nutshell.
The kicker is this. I am experiencing this because I put this out on that great wheel of life, myself. Now it's come back to me, larger than before I put it on there. Taking this off the wheel and handing it to God is my only hope here. Some day, I hope to have more to offer Him again than just my troubles.
Peace,
Jenna
In my book, "If Only" is a shortened version of "If and Only If." If and only if, in logic and fields that rely on it such as mathematics and philosophy, is a logical connective between statements which means that the truth of either one of the statements requires the truth of the other. Thus, either both statements are true, or both are false.
In writing, common alternative phrases to "if and only if" include iff, Q is necessary and sufficient for P, P is equivalent to Q, P precisely if Q, P precisely (or exactly) when Q, P exactly in case Q, and P just in case Q.
The statement "(P iff Q)" is equivalent to the statement "not (P xor Q)" or "P == Q" in computer science.
If Only you had a penis. If Only you had a vagina. If Only you wore makeup. If Only you hadn't changed. If Only you didn't smoke, drink, do drugs, pick your nose, wear those clothes, smell like vanilla. If Only you were shorter, taller, prettier, more masculine, more feminine, fatter, skinnier, hairier, less hairy, healthier, more spontaneous, smarter, less risky, sexier, younger, older, wiser, richer, poorer, around n years ago.... it goes ON and ON and ON and ON.
As my mother would say, there's only one out there in all of existence that will 100% accept me for who I am and that's God. Well, that's all fine and dandy but, gosh darn it, why is it as it is? Why can't someone accept me... ALL of me... all my faults and foibles, all my highs and lows, my past, present and unknown future?
I keep telling myself and others that I'm not perfect as if to justify my shortcomings to others. But I was happier when I knew was perfect; regardless of whether it was true to someone else or not. It seems, most times, that these shortcomings, as identified by others, are only shortcomings to them, not to me. Am I to change myself that drastically for the comfort of another? Is the compromise that important? Why would one who is complete in Love ask another to compromise themselves for one's sake? I guess I just won't compromise myself for the sake of another and would never think to ask another to compromise for my sake (I have been accused of that, tho). Sounds like a lonely existence... and hence is the answer to my problem. I am stubborn and pig-headed and I am attracted to those that are similar in nature.
Or maybe, just maybe, I'm just so devastated at the loss of Love in my life that I've become too gun-shy to budge on my ideas. When I change to accommodate another, I give up a piece of myself that I would have hoped they would have loved just as much as the rest of me. This is closer to the truth now. I'm too scared to give my full trust to another anymore, given my past experiences. When the act of giving is rejected, taken for granted, received without joy or not reciprocated... it becomes less symbiotic and more parasitic.
So yeah... that's it in a nutshell.
The kicker is this. I am experiencing this because I put this out on that great wheel of life, myself. Now it's come back to me, larger than before I put it on there. Taking this off the wheel and handing it to God is my only hope here. Some day, I hope to have more to offer Him again than just my troubles.
Peace,
Jenna
... le sigh ...
I'm alright. I'm just bored and lonely, people. That's all. When everything begins to blend together and be the same as everything else... when correlations, coincidences and life events all smack of the same feeling of futility, it inevitably leads to the general pathos I'm wrapped up in now. When expectations are high and actualities are low, the disappointment that fills the void is all-consuming. It's like watching Lucy Van Pelt and Charlie Brown play football. I can vocalize all I want about how I don't need someone in my life and that there's plenty to keep me busy and interested. But once one has touched and been touched by true Love, nothing else will suffice, period. Perhaps this is just my Green Mile for my crimes. If so, I accept it (I'll still bitch about it from time to time) and pray that the Mile isn't much longer.
Peace,
Jenna
"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." -- William Shakespeare "Sitting there at that moment I thought of something else Shakespeare said. He said, 'Hey...life is pretty stupid; with lots of hubbub to keep you busy, but really not amounting to much.' Of course I'm paraphrasing: 'Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.'" -- Harris Telemacher (Steve Martin) in L.A. StoryBut all it takes is one small thing to snap me out of it and fill me with purpose, drive and desire again. For Harris, it was a girl. But that was only when his life was so wrapped up in his own pursuits that she came out of the blue and smacked him right between the eyes. I think that works for someone who has never seen it before. It's easy to understand why it's a person for some people. They see a future, a family, a life spent together with joy and love and holidays and friendships and arguments and nosy-neighbors and chicken-pox and baseball games and friday night boozers, etc. all culminating in a life spent together in friendship and love and joy until death. What a great way to spend the time. Once one finds that, if they're smart, they don't let it go. Mom and Dad found that almost 55 years ago now. Smart. But what do you do when you've seen it... and it is denied you? What happens when you touched the face of your future, have seen someone as an old man or old woman, have seen the potential of what life could be and yet the reality of such events are held away from you just out of your reach? It tempts you to try to reach up and grab them only to make a fool of you when it's pulled away at the last minute.
Peace,
Jenna
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Wheee!
So yesterday was good! I got paid a day early (w00t!), I got an extra $200 from someone who owed me money, I worked out a decent housing situation, I went to a costume party last night and I found $6 in my pocket that I didn't know I had. :) The boys came home from the party about 3 hours after I did ... there was some sort of drunken drama that I completely and utterly ignored. Then this morning I woke up late (blah). I got myself started and realized I needed to get money orders still. Argh! So I ran to the bank and took care of that and then finally got in to work where both my boss and his boss were on me about helping them with an emergency that my computer setup was unprepared for. After about 15 minutes of getting that set up, they no longer needed me. BLARGH!! *whew* So anyway, now I'm kinda going "what the heck just hit me?" and trying to put back together what I was going to do today. I'm a little nervous about trying since I'm sure something will come along to screw it up. Guess that's the nature of life. But as I was telling Heather yesterday, I'd rather not kill Murphy (the dude that made Murphy's law) simply because nature abhors a vacuum and I shudder to think of what nature could conjure up to replace him. Now my busy-body co-worker has come in so I'm going to close this. Have fun today kiddies... it's all-saints day, you know. Peace, Me
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)