Friday, November 2, 2007

Follow up to " ... le sigh ... "

I could have just edited my last entry, but I chose to write again instead. What it boils down to, I think, are two words... "If Only"

In my book, "If Only" is a shortened version of "If and Only If." If and only if, in logic and fields that rely on it such as mathematics and philosophy, is a logical connective between statements which means that the truth of either one of the statements requires the truth of the other. Thus, either both statements are true, or both are false.

In writing, common alternative phrases to "if and only if" include iff, Q is necessary and sufficient for P, P is equivalent to Q, P precisely if Q, P precisely (or exactly) when Q, P exactly in case Q, and P just in case Q.

The statement "(P iff Q)" is equivalent to the statement "not (P xor Q)" or "P == Q" in computer science.

If Only you had a penis. If Only you had a vagina. If Only you wore makeup. If Only you hadn't changed. If Only you didn't smoke, drink, do drugs, pick your nose, wear those clothes, smell like vanilla. If Only you were shorter, taller, prettier, more masculine, more feminine, fatter, skinnier, hairier, less hairy, healthier, more spontaneous, smarter, less risky, sexier, younger, older, wiser, richer, poorer, around n years ago.... it goes ON and ON and ON and ON.

As my mother would say, there's only one out there in all of existence that will 100% accept me for who I am and that's God. Well, that's all fine and dandy but, gosh darn it, why is it as it is? Why can't someone accept me... ALL of me... all my faults and foibles, all my highs and lows, my past, present and unknown future?

I keep telling myself and others that I'm not perfect as if to justify my shortcomings to others. But I was happier when I knew was perfect; regardless of whether it was true to someone else or not. It seems, most times, that these shortcomings, as identified by others, are only shortcomings to them, not to me. Am I to change myself that drastically for the comfort of another? Is the compromise that important? Why would one who is complete in Love ask another to compromise themselves for one's sake? I guess I just won't compromise myself for the sake of another and would never think to ask another to compromise for my sake (I have been accused of that, tho). Sounds like a lonely existence... and hence is the answer to my problem. I am stubborn and pig-headed and I am attracted to those that are similar in nature.

Or maybe, just maybe, I'm just so devastated at the loss of Love in my life that I've become too gun-shy to budge on my ideas. When I change to accommodate another, I give up a piece of myself that I would have hoped they would have loved just as much as the rest of me. This is closer to the truth now. I'm too scared to give my full trust to another anymore, given my past experiences. When the act of giving is rejected, taken for granted, received without joy or not reciprocated... it becomes less symbiotic and more parasitic.

So yeah... that's it in a nutshell.

The kicker is this. I am experiencing this because I put this out on that great wheel of life, myself. Now it's come back to me, larger than before I put it on there. Taking this off the wheel and handing it to God is my only hope here. Some day, I hope to have more to offer Him again than just my troubles.


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