Tuesday, November 20, 2007


Hah! Found it!! Not giving it up this time!! Yes, this is vague, yes this is esoteric. Let me clarify (a little).

I found my motivation again. I've discovered the difference between that which makes me happy and that which anesthetizes me, makes me comfortable, lazy and stuck in the endless loop.

In the areas that I've let control me, I am at the weakest I've ever been. And yet I see that life continues on. I have learned the lesson and I know where I want to go and why. Love has won this battle and I'm confident and resolute in my sense of direction. Let all that has tried to destroy this come at me again. I will stand and face it with a steadfast heart for I know now that what I feel is real.

Those who truly care... who TRULY care, rejoice and know that I'm re-emerging a much happier person with a much sounder mind than before.

I've found the love I was looking for. It was right before my eyes so many times and I tried to make it into something else every time. This time, it was resolute in not giving up no matter how much of a fuck-tard I was toward it. Perhaps it takes one retard to relate to another retard. Hellifiknow. All I know is that I can't get over this feeling of beauty and freedom and joy and love ... commitment, conviction, motivation and resolution that is filling me to the brim and overflowing!

It's more than emotion. It's beautiful, crystal-clear clarity. It's knowing that better times through harder times are ahead and I'm finally ready to face that challenge. When someone can sit and realize that the things we do in this life aren't as important as the people we do them with... it is the awakening that is necessary to truly motivate someone.



UPDATE: Oh hell, I can't hold it in anymore... it's bubbling over within me. I know I've found true love. I've put someone to the test and he's passed with beautiful, flying colors and the clarity I received was that I no longer have to worry no matter what may come. I've been suffering under the hardships of this life, letting it drag me down, letting it rule my thoughts and letting it make me paranoid. But now, I see that nothing is impossible where there is TRUE love involved.

Come what may, I will not fuck this one up! I have made mistakes in the past with this type of love. I have tried to turn it into something that wasn't meant to be. I hurt someone I care about VERY deeply through my own selfishness. But life, love, God, what-have-you, has seen it's way to show me that through the worst of times, Love comes again and lifts us up.

Ready to give it all up and face the hard times? Absolutely! Even if it means never again seeing the one that broke me free from the chains that bound me. Knowing that he loves me that much, to put up with all the negativity that has clouded my life, to put up with and forgive all the crazy stupidity I have unleashed, to live meagerly and patiently for a better time... I know it now... without a shadow of a doubt.

Now, my actions will become swift and aggressive. The road ahead is long and filled with trials, tests and tribulations. But I know now that I'm not alone. There's a difference between being told that you're not alone... and knowing it. I know it now.

God, thank you for bringing him into my life. For his keeping me at arm's length until I had processed and filtered out the shit in my life that was keeping me from truly loving. Thank you for the promise that you will always be there between us, guiding us and helping us to not only live a beautiful, loving life for ourselves and each other... but also for teaching others who are still in the darkness the true meaning of Love.

P.L.U.R. Bitches,

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