Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Family Found

So last night, Sadao and I went to meet my "daughter," Fallon. It was my first time meeting her. *sigh* ... She's has such a sweet and tender heart and I know right where she's at in life right now... just at the beginning of the adventure. She's getting a head start on me, though... which is good. Hopefully she'll go through her renaissance and dark ages, etc. a lot sooner. We sat and chatted for a while, drank a little, smoked a little and just had a nice visit. It was a lot of fun and I'm looking forward to seeing her again soon.

The road trip was good for Sadao and I, too. I'm learning a lot about myself in the vein of "who I've been" to people that I just didn't realize I was doing. I've been controlling, manipulative, ego-centric, ritualistic, and overall just... not a fun character to be around. Friendship should not come with expectations. If I'm doing something for a friend, it should be because that's what I want to do... not because I expect something from them in return... that's a partnership.

I'm not learning these things through chastisement, tho... thank heavens... I think I've had enough of that. I'm learning them by comparing how I feel when I'm truly loving and thoughtful as opposed to being self-centered and ego-driven. When I'm the latter, I tend to be very down... always thinking about what I should have and how much I deserve better, etc. But the facts are the facts. I'm just a lump of animated flesh like everyone else on this planet. I've let people's words and actions lift me onto such a high plateau that I've become a power-hungry bitch. And that is totally not me. Coming down off that plateau isn't easy... in fact it's pretty painful (in more ways than one). But I'm dusting myself off, laughing at my scars and beginning to laugh more at life... and that's what's important.

I think with time, I may actually get completely back to where I'm supposed to be. Life is a trip (again, in more ways than one) and the journey is sometimes very rough for all of us. But we will make it if we do it together. I still believe that.

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