A Blah Day

It's a blah day today. I'm a little depressed at my financial situation. Trying not to let it ruin my spirits though. It takes a lot of humor and/or music to get my spirits back up though and eventually one feels like they've heard it all before. For this very reason, I am so thankful for Sadao in my life. We keep each others' spirits up and keep trying to find ways to make the other laugh and smile. The lack of fundage is keeping me from going to visit some friends for Thanksgiving, which sucks. But between that and Sunset 07, I wouldn't be able to afford the gas for all the running around required and normal driving for the next week.

On top of that, poor Nyssa is sick and won't be going now. This sucks because I was really looking forward to sharing this with her. Sadao and I are still going. One might look at this situation and say that it seems selfish to put a concert over visiting friends for the holidays... but with the tickets already paid for, it would also be wasteful to simply throw that money away. Choices, we make them and we live with them. Sometimes we let them make us happy, sad, angry, victimized, etc. It all depends upon the overall mood, I guess, eh?

All in all, I can say that my choices lately have left me in a state of self-quarrel. On the one hand there's the good that comes from sacrifice. The fact that your sacrifice has made a difference in someone else's life. On the other hand, there's that little voice that says, "What are you getting out of all this self-sacrifice other than the feeling that you're a better person for it?"

Whee!

Overall I continue to try to stay in good spirits. My beliefs keep me going, to be honest. I may find them all to be false one day. I may find one day that I had it all wrong and that the reason it's called the "Human Race" is because it's really a race. I've done a lot of studying and listening over the years. I've studied the religions and their teachings. I've studied philosophy. I've lived in the world from various aspects and viewpoints. I've met MANY different people and have heard them describe their beliefs as well.

Some say it's a one-way ticket and once you're done, you're done... there's nothing after that. Some say you move on to a better life or a worse life depending upon how you lived life on Earth. Some say you keep coming back until you've learned all the lessons that life has to teach you (and that they get rougher upon each iteration). Some say you come back unwillingly, usually in some other form. Some say we're all part of the same unified spirit and our energy (temporarily split off from that energy) returns "back to the fold." There are as many opinions on this subject as there are people to make them... so I'm not going to go into all the one's I've heard.

I've taken psychoactive drugs and have explored the mysteries of life under these influences. The experiences I've had and the ideas that have come to mind would all make fabulous trippy movie ideas... but they also weigh heavily on my mind even when not under the influence.

Although I've explored many different theories and possibilities, I still can not conceive of the possibility of non-existence. It just doesn't register. Maybe this is why my attitude toward life is so cavalier. If the work we do, the things we buy, the places we live and the ways we change our physicalities are truly unimportant on a spiritual level, then why bother getting bent out of shape over them? Given that life on this planet, regardless of whether there's an afterlife or not, is tenuous, short and not promised to anyone... then why do we get bent out of shape over what one person or group believes, how they react or interact, whether we're rich or poor, the color of our skin, the way we pass the time, relationship preferences, etc? What's the bloody point?

Here's a good example:

Click Here For the Photo (it's too big for blogger to display)

I love me some Opus. He's been one of my favorites since Bloom County was being freshly produced by Berkeley Breathed. I agree with Opus wholeheartedly here. We have the days where we're holding the umbrella for someone else and the days where they're holding the umbrella for us. Lucky are those who find friends like that. Smart are the ones that hold on to them. Wise are the ones that can see past the physicalities and know that it's only a representation of our spirits' calling.

Regardless, we do what we can, when we can, because we want to. We can blame it on circumstances, obligations, requirements, adjudications, judgments, contracts, confrontations, what-have-you. But in the end, we do what we do because it's what we want to do. I understand a suicidal person's desire for peace. I understand a "well-adjusted" person's desire for excitement. These are the things they don't have that they feel will make their life better (or, in the first example, make their life not suck anymore).

So it comes down to choice again. I've been told that our choices define us and tell others what type of person we are. These are labels just like anything else... and we all like to sticker each other as often as we can. Well, the stickers are just stickers. You can peel them off anytime you don't like them. People weren't meant, in my opinion, to be pigeon-holed and put in little boxes (little boxes on the hillside, little boxes made of ticky-tacky, little boxes on the hill side and they all look just the same).

Yeah... this is what happens to me when I have nothing interesting to do. There's plenty that I could be doing right now... but I have no interest... because of all the things I just said... which in turn keeps me from doing anything that I might get interested in. Some day this journal will stop being updated. Either through my death or my sudden interest in something that occupies all my time and energy.

I hope it's the latter... and I hope it happens soon.

Peace,
Jenna