Friday, November 2, 2007

... le sigh ...

I'm alright. I'm just bored and lonely, people. That's all. When everything begins to blend together and be the same as everything else... when correlations, coincidences and life events all smack of the same feeling of futility, it inevitably leads to the general pathos I'm wrapped up in now. When expectations are high and actualities are low, the disappointment that fills the void is all-consuming.
"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." -- William Shakespeare "Sitting there at that moment I thought of something else Shakespeare said. He said, ' is pretty stupid; with lots of hubbub to keep you busy, but really not amounting to much.' Of course I'm paraphrasing: 'Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.'" -- Harris Telemacher (Steve Martin) in L.A. Story
But all it takes is one small thing to snap me out of it and fill me with purpose, drive and desire again. For Harris, it was a girl. But that was only when his life was so wrapped up in his own pursuits that she came out of the blue and smacked him right between the eyes. I think that works for someone who has never seen it before. It's easy to understand why it's a person for some people. They see a future, a family, a life spent together with joy and love and holidays and friendships and arguments and nosy-neighbors and chicken-pox and baseball games and friday night boozers, etc. all culminating in a life spent together in friendship and love and joy until death. What a great way to spend the time. Once one finds that, if they're smart, they don't let it go. Mom and Dad found that almost 55 years ago now. Smart. But what do you do when you've seen it... and it is denied you? What happens when you touched the face of your future, have seen someone as an old man or old woman, have seen the potential of what life could be and yet the reality of such events are held away from you just out of your reach? It tempts you to try to reach up and grab them only to make a fool of you when it's pulled away at the last minute. It's like watching Lucy Van Pelt and Charlie Brown play football. I can vocalize all I want about how I don't need someone in my life and that there's plenty to keep me busy and interested. But once one has touched and been touched by true Love, nothing else will suffice, period. Perhaps this is just my Green Mile for my crimes. If so, I accept it (I'll still bitch about it from time to time) and pray that the Mile isn't much longer.


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