The day before the day before 2007

So... here it is... Saturday, Dec 30th, 2007. As I sit here, I'm contemplating this past year. A lot has happened. I started it out with a bang. Big party at the old house. That was fun... good memories there. :) From there... well, it's been a rollercoaster. Bought a house, sold a house. Became single... became part of a family... left a job... went back to that job... left it again... contracted in Port St. Lucie... lost some old friends... made some new ones... went insane for a while... (some would say I still have at least one foot in the sanitarium but what do they know anyway?) found my center... my focus... regained my energy... put myself back together again, basically (after tearing it all apart... but it really wasn't working well the way it was anyway).

As anyone who's read my journal knows... it's not been an easy road... but it's been a good one for me. I feel much more at ease, much more relaxed and happy... peaceful and focused. I have a new direction in life and so far it's been leading to good things all around. :) I look forward to 2007 with expectation, excitement and with a wary and more learned eye.

Today, I'm going to Lowes to get the process started to get new windows in the house. Also need to get some more food for the ferrets (and maybe some toys) along with some other household needs. There's a party tonight and I might go for a little while... I don't want to spend all night there since tomorrow night is obviously the big event.

I start a new job on the 2nd. I'm looking forward to that. It should be a lot of fun... always is fun getting to know new people and watch their reactions when they first start to get to know you. hehehe (rubs hands together with glee and an evil, mischievous grin!).

Might get my ears pointed this year... I'd like to... I think it'd be fun. We'll see how this new job works out before I go off and do that. :)

Basically... life is good and so I'm savoring it given the possibility it can (and probably will) change at any given moment. Cherish the moments you have... you never know how many you're going to get. :)

Peace,
Jenna

And now...

Whew... So now I can start thinking about my life again. Why now? Because the old shit is done and the new shit can start. Heh. The house has been sold, finally. Rob and I have nothing left to do with each other, finally. The old mortgages are paid off, finally. Things are starting to look up. I know I've been a terrible burden on some of my friends in how I've dealt with my life. It has been brutal and in typical Jenna fashion I've always tried to make the best out of what I've had to deal with even when it would probably have been better to "recognize the garbage and throw it out when it started to stink". Now that some things are finally finished, I can start paying attention to what I really want to do.

I can still say that I've never been happier where I am right now. Twink and Josh just let me be who I want to be, who I need to be and are always there to listen and be the best friends to me that a person could ever hope to have. The kids are, of course, challenging, fantastic, brilliant, retarded, and everything in between. I love them to death. Looking forward to spending Christmas with them.

This is not to say that we've not had our moments of doubt in this shared living arrangement... lord knows we've found each others' buttons pretty well now. But now I see a new future where we can all live together peacefully and without any drama between us. It's time I started to put back in to the community that has supported me so fully during my time of need.

I'm finally starting to really consider everything that I've started and have subsequently ignored or put on auto-pilot in order to make things easier, etc. It's a tad overwhelming but each day I'm realizing that I'm more and more "up to the challenge." Now, I'm making lists of what I want to get back to, revisit and pick up where I left off. Thank God for Twink. She has helped me out in so many ways I can't even begin to count them all. Whenever I've needed her, she's been there. I don't know what I did to deserve a friend like her... but I'm thankful for it every day.

My contract with Liberty Medical is also finally done. This means no more traveling to Port St. Lucie every day. This is a good thing. Although I will SEVERELY miss those friends I've made there, I am forever grateful for having them in my life and that I was able to touch their lives in a positive way as well. I know that our friendships will always be there and future time spent together will be all that more special (nyaaaaay!).

So now, with the money from the sale of the house, I feel more confident about being able to take my time and REALLY find a job I can sink my teeth into. Something that I can really enjoy, will help meet our needs as a family and still provide me with the funds to do some fun things I like to do (other than being a "family man"). I'm also looking forward to getting back to helping with the house. I'm ready to honor the commitments I made while still wrapping up the details of my old situation.

Basically... life is grand. Let it stay that for a while. :)

Peace,
Jenna

General Bitchiness

Blah... okay... so what is it that's keeping me from making the full fledged lead to .NET anyway? I spent the better part of the day today trying to get the Vb6 version of the ListView control to do what .NET can make it do. Why can't the VB6 version do it? Because it's a superclassed encapsulated subset of what the full thing can do... which .NET users get... but VB6 peeps don't. Blah... I just need to bite the bullet and start learning the damned architecture.

By the way... I hate money... please don't let me spend any anymore... it just gets me in trouble. It truly is the root of all evil. Just give me some good tunes to groove to and batteries to run my MP3 player and I'll be good. In fact, if anyone's interested, I got a ton of stuff to sell. :-P

I'm probably going to take some of my music equipment to SamAsh and see if they'll buy it... or I'll put on EBay. Haven't decided yet. Whichever works best. It sucks... and it hurts to see it go... but I have other priorities that are more important and so I gotta do what I gotta do.

Something else that sucks... jobs. What sucks about this one is the fact that the people here are so awesome and I love working with them. I've become VERY fond of Jose (and his family), Naddim, Kevin, Eric and a few others there that I've just really been able to bond with and I'm looking at getting a job in Orlando. If the house was sold, I could probably afford to still work down here. But... until that miracle of life happens, I'm stuck throwing pennies in the toll booths. wheee!

Yes, financially, status-wise, and all that clap-trap... I've fallen so far. And yet, I'm still happier than I've ever been... even though all this aggravation is killing me with added stress and worry and work... I have something far better than I've ever had before... family. I forgot how much I missed it until I screwed up so badly that I almost lost it all. Fuck that.

I wear Twink's bracelet on my left arm to always act as a reminder to me about what's important in my life. Sometimes I make stupid choices based on what I think is going to work best in the long run but ends up cutting us to the quick on the short run... but my heart is in the right place... just gotta figure out a way to get my head and heart synchronized.

Anyway, that's enough for now... more later.

Recombination

Everyone makes stupid moves from time to time. Turned left when they should've turned right, bought something they didn't need and now can't get rid of, trusted someone who wasn't trustworthy, shagged someone that wasn't shagworthy, lots and lots mistakes made day in and day out. We beat ourselves up for these mistakes a lot too. But the question I have is why. This is a natural thing in life to make stupid, foolish mistakes. This is how we learn. Some people learn at a much slower rate than others. Some people pick up some subjects quickly and other subjects slowly and some subjects... maybe not at all.

Sometimes people like to point out what someone else does and call it a mistake. This creates problems especially when there's the hope and desire for love, trust and acceptance between the two. When you just want the other person to know that you're happy with who you are, you're happy with who they are and that you want to share your life with them in whatever way makes sense.

I made a stupid move not too long ago. I allowed doubt and fear to take control of my life again. I worked very hard to get myself to the point where I was okay with who I was and then once I got there I discovered something new... that what I was before wasn't bad... it was just uncontrolled. I'll try to explain.

The best way to describe it is to use an old story about the Lion and the Lamb. Growing up, I had balanced the Lion and the Lamb within me. They were both young and did not have the knowledge of good and evil. But at some point, I became unbalanced and the Lion began to take over, pushing the Lamb away. This, I'm fairly certain, was puberty. Perhaps being cast from Eden is a euphamism for puberty. I began to feel wrong about myself and my feelings and started on a journey to destroy the Lion. But the Lion can never be destroyed. The Lion must be soothed by the Lamb and the Lamb must be empowered by the Lion.

The Lion represents the harder side while the Lamb represents softer side. You can't have one without the other. The trick is to blend the two into something beautiful rather than focus on one or the other. It is a trick that is not easily learned and I think that once it is 100% learned we move on to the next level. There are many things that appeal to the Lion and many things that appeal to the Lamb. We must deal with each of these and teach the Lamb and the Lion to share and appreciate all things before achieving that center.

Every day I grow closer to the recombination of the Lion and the Lamb. Teaching each to appreciate the other and accept the other. To let the Lion handle what it's meant to handle, but guided by the Lamb. To let the Lamb handle what it's meant to handle, but empowered by the Lion.

Peace,
Jenna

A New Interpretation

Okay, this is going to be a long one (yeah, I know, they're all long) but this one is inspired and I just gotta write it all down now before I forget it. It's a new interpretation I have of the story of Genesis. I believe it describes the process of our lives and that hidden in there is the key to the understanding of life. Provided you can get past the mythos and see the truths therein.

1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth;
2 and the earth being without form and empty, and darkness on the face of the deep, and the Spirit of God moving gently on the face of the waters,

I believe these first two verses to be a decpition of conception and growth within the womb. That God is the representation of man and woman together producing life... the earth is the child and the deep is the womb. The Spirit of God is the lifeforce created within the child and becoming God for the rest of the story.

3 then God said, Let light be! And there was light.

Birth!

4 And God saw the light, that it was good, and God separated between the light and darkness.

At this point, the child sees the light and is able to distinguish between light and dark. The first lesson we learn. Now read the rest of this without regard to considering a day as a unit of time measurement where the earth rotates one revolution but rather as the building blocks for learning about the world around us.

5 And God called the light, Day. And He called the darkness, Night. And there was evening, and there was morning the first day.
6 And God said, Let an expanse be in the midst of the waters, and let it be dividing between the waters and the waters.
7 And God made the expanse, and He separated between the waters which were under the expanse and the waters which were above the expanse. And it was so.
8 And God called the expanse, Heavens. And there was evening, and there was morning the second day.
9 And God said, Let the waters under the heavens be collected to one place, and let the dry land appear. And it was so.
10 And God called the dry land, Earth. And He called the collection of the waters, Seas. And God saw that it was good.
11 And God said, Let the earth sprout tender sprouts, the plant seeding seed, the fruit tree producing fruit according to its kind, whichever seed is in it on the earth. And it was so.
12 And the earth bore tender sprouts, the plant seeding seed according to its kind, and the fruit tree producing fruit according to its kind, whichever seed is in it. And God saw that it was good.
13 And there was evening, and there was morning the third day.
14 And God said, Let luminaries be in the expanse of the heavens, to divide between the day and the night. And let them be for signs and for seasons, and for days and years.
15 And let them be for luminaries in the expanse of the heavens, to give light on the earth. And it was so.
16 And God made the two great luminaries: the great luminary to rule the day, and the small luminary and the stars to rule the night.
17 And God set them in the expanse of the heavens, to give light on the earth,
18 and to rule over the day and over the night; and to divide between the light and the darkness. And God saw that it was good.
19 And there was evening, and there was morning the fourth day.
20 And God said, Let the waters swarm with swarmers having a soul of life; and let the birds fly over the earth, on the face of the expanse of the heavens.
21 And God created the great sea animals, and all that creeps, having a living soul, which swarmed the waters, according to its kind; and every bird with wing according to its kind. And God saw that it was good.
22 And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas; and let the birds multiply in the earth.
23 And there was evening, and there was morning the fifth day.
24 And God said, Let the earth bring forth the soul of life according to its kind: cattle, and creepers, and its beasts of the earth, according to its kind. And it was so.
25 And God made the beasts of the earth according to its kind, and cattle according to its kind, and all creepers of the ground according to its kind. And God saw that it was good.

Now we start to learn about men and women, the physical nature of the body we're in.

26 And God said, let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the heavens, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over all the creepers creeping on the earth.
27 And God created the man in His own image; in the image of God He created him. He created them male and female.

The parents provided the children with the ability to continue the process of life and renew themselves. This is innate to everyone and can either be accepted or rejected. I also believe that with forgiveness, the ability to continue the process, even if rejected, can be restored.

28 And God blessed them; and God said to them, Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it, and rule over the fish of the seas, and over birds of the heavens, and over all beasts creeping on the earth.
29 And God said, Behold, I have given you every plant seeding seed which is on the face of all the earth, and every tree in which is the fruit of a tree seeding seed; it shall be food for you.
30 And to every beast of the earth, and to all birds of the heavens, and to every creeper on the earth which has in it a living soul, every green plant is for food. And it was so.
31 And God saw everything that He had made and behold, it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning the sixth day.

And this is where it ends. This represents death. Once the work is complete and life has been completed, the "seventh day" is when God achieves a rest.

1 And the heavens and the earth were finished, and all their host.
2 And on the seventh day God completed His work which He had made. And He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had made.
3 And God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it, because He rested from all His work on it, which God had created to make.

I think this is pretty much it in a nutshell. I think that if we continue to read the story in this context, it will accurately blueprint the lives of all of us. Some of us are called to be more than we are. Some of us are called to experience great pain and suffering while others seem to be given great gifts of joy and happiness. Some of us are called to do great things that will change the world... while others are only here for a short time. Some will reject, become unbalanced and die. Others may catch themselves before totally losing their balance. It's all making some sort of sense to me now which is why I had to write it all down. I hope that whoever's reading this gets this from it too.

Peace,
Jenna

Here we go again...

Okay,

So, I've talked a little bit about my life here (just a tad) and the various twists and turns it has taken. From Boy to Girl, to Girl with Boy, to Girl without Boy, to uhm... Gorl? Biry? Whatever. To that with Girl+Boy with other combinations in and around the bend to confuse pretty much everyone including myself. I'm kinda hard to nail down, actually.

Well, it would seem that the law of genetics has caught up with me and has been writing me several citations of late. Of course, certain circumstances have created a physical situation that preclude any of the original concepts that the law of genetics would prefer to work out with me... so we seem to be at the negotiations table regarding all that.

Until then, I've decided to create a new definition... Code Monkey. Human being are, after all, descended from various species... the odds of me being descended from a monkey are pretty good. I love writing code, reading code, fixing code, and my own code is in question and in flux anyway so it seemed to strike true.

I updated my myspace page with a code-monkey picture (which you see here too) and also updated the song that plays to "Code Monkey" by Jonathan Coulton. This seems to be a good direction for me at the moment and so why not. Where I'll end up after this... who knows... maybe Musical Manatee or Artistic Antelope. Maybe I'll transtition through all the various species ... ehh... probably not. I know where things are going and this is just a waypoint... but I'll always be a code-monkey.

Anyway, I made it through another birthday somehow. Not sure why these things keep succeeding. The more I try to destroy, change, modify, revamp, re-invent it just keeps going. What's the point? Yes, typical male behavior in a "Rage Against The Machine" type of way as opposed to a Pink Floyd, Comfortably Numb sort of way (which I must admit is preferable).

It's good to be home but I do miss the friends I've made in PSL as well. It's tough and I knew it would be. In PSL the code monkey truly comes out and flings digital poo at the monitors of the managers while here in Orlando, it just sits there and relaxes and enjoys the rest from all the fun poo flinging.

I had a good week this last week tho. I think I'm getting the VP of Software Development in my corner, finally. I explained some of the work I had done that my manager didn't understand and couldn't explain and he picked up what I was laying down straight away. He was also irritated that they're not letting me use the back door.... bonus. :) It doesn't make sense that they would let me putter around in sensitive client data and not let me in the friggin back door. But... hey, what do I know about security?

It is raining like no-body's business tonite. I mean NASTY rain. Big ole' red spot right on the top of us. So I'm gonna close this for now to hopefully avoid the possibility of losing connection completely, blah blah blah.

Peace,
Jenna

Things are Bad, Life is Good

Yesterday was ... interesting. It had it's surprising moments, it's fun moments, it's heartwrenching moments, it's heroic moments. It was a series of moments as every day is. After work, Jose and I went out and got a couple of drinks at Applebee's. He was wound pretty tight from work and I figured he could use a friend to chill and get smashed with. :) That's always a good thing to have... a wing-man as he puts it. I really like Jose and Nyssa. They're so real and they're children are beautiful, smiling, happy bundles of energy. It was so fun to watch them get all excited over making candy bracelets. It made me ponder why we ever grow up. Growing old is inevitable... growing up is something that's sorta forced on us... to be responsible and be providers and caretakers of the next generation of hopefully responsible adults that will do the same thing and keep this crazy thing called life going. It seems like an exercise in futility when I put it that way... but maybe there's more to it than that and I just haven't put my finger on it yet.

Anyway, I digress. After our sojourn to Applebee's, I took him to get food for his family and took him home safe and sound. Nisa seemed a "smidge" updset and rightly so since he didn't call her when he said he would. I suggested he call but he said everything was fine so who was I to argue with what he seemed to know was alright and what wasn't? After dropping him off, I headed for home.

I got home to Orlando at about 10:30. Liz had done simply amazing things with the landscaping. I can never seem to adequately express the beauty I see and feel when I look and realize all that she does for the family. It is staggering and I become a total "Dee-Dee-Dee" in comparisson. It makes what I do feel inadequate until I'm reminded that what I do empowers her to do what she does and vice versa ... and then it's all good.

We put Taylor to bed and went to Bob's to prepare for a "relaxing evening." It was a good time. :) We sat and scoured the internet and played computer games and music and just ... whatever we wanted to do. I shared some of my recent entries in my journal with her and we talked about life and love and all that stuff. *sigh* ... Makes me wanna start the week all over again just to get back to that moment. :)

The morning was interrupted when Taylor came screaming out with a bug IN her eye. We've managed to capture it and have isolated it. We're gonna try to find out what it was because it was biting the shit out of her and it scared her pretty bad. Shortly after that, Taylor discovered that one of the birds that Liz rescued from the slacker on the gulf coast had died. It's feet were wrapped up in what looked like Liz's hair and Liz felt that it was her negligence that caused the bird's death. We don't know 100% what caused the poor thing to pass... and I did my best to assure her of that. The bird was, afterall, malnourished by the original owner, wounded and not in the best of health. Liz had taken the bird in to care for it and give it a better life. She felt like her actions or inaction had brought it to an untimely death. In the end, there are no words that can comfort someone when faced with death. We had a funeral and buried "Angel" in the yard. Taylor wrote a tombstone on a piece of pool tile that said, "Here Lies 'Angel' She was a friend to me." Perfect. Would that I could have such a testatment to my life by such a pure heart, I would truly be able to rest in peace.

After that, Taylor and I played in the pool for a while. I surprised her by jumping in the pool fully clothed. :) It was fun and we had a good time. I need to go to the other house today and finish what I started. It's not something I'm looking forward to but it's something I have to do. There are many other things that need to be done today too... but somehow I think today is not going to pan out the way it was planned. It never does though... but in the end it pans out the way it's supposed to.

So... with that, I'm off to continue this day and see where it takes me.

Free At Last.... Free At Last...

Well... apparently I have a lot to say today. Or rather... within the past 24 hours. I just had an epiphany and decided to write it down. I'm free. Free at last. Free from any care in the world. I still have responsibilities, sure. But I don't have to "care" about them. Nope. I still have people I love, sure. But I don't have to "care" about them. They can care for themselves. It's quite the refreshing feeling, actually. It's freeing. It's emancipating. I'm suddenly not lonely anymore. Why? I don't care! I'm suddenly not afraid of the future anymore. Why? I don't care! Yup. That's gonna be my motto now. I am the anti-care bear.

My epiphany occurred while tracing past events back to their fragile beginnings and realizing that no-one really cared about me either. They didn't care whether I made it or not. They loved me (and still do as far as I know), they accepted me (again, as far as I know this is still true too) but they didn't really give a shit, to be honest.

I've seen people that "care" about something. I've seen me "care" about something. It causes pain. It causes heartache. It causes suffering. Why? Because life is chaos and the people and events in our life are ruled by that chaos. Therefore life is change. When there is change in something you care about, if it doesn't meet what you were expecting it causes pain. Therefore you have to "care" for it and return it to what it was, the way it was before. But usually that or they that changed have no interest in returning to the way it was because they changed for a reason that worked for them.

So, why care? Just accept. Just accept and love and that's enough. Beyond that, it's not worth getting involved because it's just gonna change on you when you least expect it. Or, you'll find that it wasn't the way you thought it was to begin with (which is even more unsettling, actually).

So... to all y'all out there still giving a shit... here's to you. I hope you become as carefree as I soon.

Sometimes the Machine Wins

When I was a child... I was told what to do, when to do it, how to look, how to act, what to wear, and all that stuff. It was all within a certain set of parameters that met with the family's approval. But there were things I wanted to express. I didn't like the clothes, the colors, the mannerisms, the hair, the "overall program." Of course, expressing distress at being forced into a mold that others had been forged in didn't really go over well. I was frightened with the concepts that that would be turning my back on all that is good and right, that Satan would devour me, that people would shun me, call me names and blah blah blah blah blah. Yeah... a lot of us got that. But some of us just had less patience and tolerance for it. I had an extreme amount, it seems, until I managed to get away and learn about myself. That didn't happen until I was about 22. I managed to get through HS and most of college before I said "Fuck this, I'm out."

When I learned about all that life could possibly offer and that there were ways to express myself... holy shit... did I ever swing the opposite direction. In fact, almost everything I had been taught as a child went right out the window. All that pent up frustration of being told what to do was unleashed and I began a wild ride to the other side... quite literally in some ways. It was my way of showing my rage against the machine. It was my way of saying "FUCK YOU!" to the world I had come from and to say, "I'll do it this way and then we'll see how you like it!"

Perhaps for some it's hard to know when you're imposing a belief structure on someone versus giving them good advice. My parents never looked at me and said, "Ya know... you're getting close to that age where you're gonna want to be experimenting with sex and all that. Go for it... but be smart about it until you find someone that you care about." No... instead it was "Sex was created by God for man and woman only when they commit to each other and marry in faith to each other." What a load of horse shit. Sex is a basic life thing. It's something every species on the planet figures out in one way or another. Why did they feel the need to tell me something that wasn't true? I mean shit, they had seven kids... they MUST have figured that out at some point, right?

The machine called life controls us until death releases us from it's grip. It has several agents, genetics being one of them, nature being another. These two tend to screw with our heads for a while and make us do dumb stuff or brilliant stuff depending upon where our head's at at the moment. We can't escape it. No matter what we do, how hard we try, these agents will continually plague us throughout our lives. I find it hard to believe that anyone can truly escape their grasps without being a little touched in the head. Once "touched" it's hard to get "untouched." It IS possible though. Of course, depending upon what you've done while living in a dreamworld, it may not be easy to gather up the pieces and live life peacefully with these agents... and that's sorta where I am at the moment.

I've been labelled a true rebel. I've been called the poster child for raging against the machine. That my actions prove that I will not do what someone tells me to do simply because they think it's right and that's they way it should be. It wasn't always that way. I needed approval. Actually... not that so much. Approval is great, it's awesome. But I CAN live without it (it's not much fun... but oh well). What I didn't need was disapproval. THAT was the key. I did a lot to avoid getting shit on. It was easier to just go along with what people were telling me was true and how to live rather than to tell them to kiss my ass and do what I wanted. The price? Just my happiness.

Now the rebellion is starting to smooth out as I am no longer so concerned about what others have to say about my life. Now the desire to have a family is becoming a driving force. It's genetics and nature finally catching up to me after piety and rebellion have had their way with me. Peace at last because the machine wins. The challenge now is that I hear the calling and I want to experience the life I was denied ... but the physicalities of my situation make heeding that calling a little different than it is for most others I know. I've never been afraid of a challenge, though. I've become frustrated, aggravated, said "fuck it" on many occassions but I eventually come back to it once my head has cleared and I've figured out what it was that causing me to stumble before. I've heard that it just gets harder from here. That, of course, just makes me deleriously giddy. "And why am I bothering with this again? Oh yeah... I can't die yet, that's right."

Why am I bothering to write all this? Therapy, plain and simple. A way to get my thoughts out in some sort of coherent stream to an unconfirmed audience and just vent it all via textual regurgitation. After all, you always feel better after you throw up.

All I'm saying here is that I'm glad my life is starting to become more focused and more centered. I'm fond of saying that in order to find your center, you have to seek out the edges. I've sought out and found those edges and am finally starting to locate my center. It's a good feeling... but at the same time an empty one at the moment given the time lost. It is the ying and the yang of it. I look now toward the day that the machine winds down and finally lets me loose from it's grasp. I'll enjoy the ride as much as I am able and grab the opportunities that life presents me without shame or fear. I'll not look back on the ride so far with remorse or regret because it is counterproductive and I will not concern myself with what others think about the life I choose to lead, who I choose to experience it with, or why. That's my concern, not theirs. I'll not tell them how their life should be if they'll leave me to process mine the way I see fit in peace too.

Peace,
Jenna

Ya Know It's Just Been A Little...

Changed up my myspace a little bit. It's been somewhat theraputic for me, actually. Somewhere I can express my feelings with sound and visuals and not actually say anything... hoping that people get what I'm saying with what I show... because no matter what I say, it's taken in a way I didn't intended. Language is the worst fucking way to communicate an idea, a thought, a feeling... it's nigh impossible to truly express yourself that way and those who manage it amaze me... truly amaze me. I almost changed the music too ... but what I've got up there now hits me pretty hard so I think it can stay for a while longer.

I'm running late for work again but I don't really care anymore. If Dave wants to say something to me about it, he can. He hasn't said a word so I'm not worried about it if he's not. Yesterday was not a good day... there were some bright spots... Scooby called me and I got the opportunity to chat with he and KK for a bit... haven't done that in a while and it was great. They're doing so well... I'm very happy for them. :) They've been through a lot and they deserve all the happiness they get.

Yesterday I managed to do something that I thought was going to be a good thing and ended up being a bad thing. It's amazing how I continue to do the wrong thing for the right reason, the right thing for the wrong reason and can never seem to get the two lined up. It makes me a little shy to really do anything anymore. It's the beginnings of a shutdown sequence, in essence. Why should I bother if all it's going to do is cause more pain. Fuck it.

Anyway... I'm off to try to focus on some code and make some money. Whee.

Movin' On, Biotch

Bitch and moan, Bitch and moan...

And no one slapped the shit out of me. Fine, biotches... :-P

I woke up this morning smelling reclaimed water. Bleh. But I also woke up feeling empowered. Today's going to be a good day. Today, I am about me. Hopefully every day after this one will be the same way. Fuck everyone else. Everyone else is doing what they want... why not me? So fuck it. Meaning, reasons, feelings, emotions, blah-de-blah-de-blah. ARGH! I've had it up to my eyebrows with all of it. I'm a software developer and I know how to figure shit out. So if I can't figure out the meaning of life by now, I'm either a shitty software developer or there really is no meaning to it. Since I'm gettin' paid pretty well for being a developer... I think it's more the latter than the former.

So to hell with it all. Let it burn itself up, never to be seen again. I'm going after what makes me happy and if it makes someone else happy along the way... well fuckin' sweet. If not... I hope they get something that DOES make them happy or they can sit there and ponder like I did until they're tired of feeling like shit. In the end, that's what it's about... being happy. Feelin' good. Doing what ya want.

Today is a brand new day, folks. It's over. It's starts anew.

Peace,
Jenna

The Path Of Destruction

The time has come. The time has come for me to shed the facade and the beliefs of my childhood. Holding on to ideas and dreams that will never come to pass has caused me nothing but pain when the fruition of those dreams do not manifest themselves in the way I expect. So why continue dreaming? Reality is cold, hard and unfeeling. It invades your personal space, it pops your bubble, it taunts you with beauty, cheer and happiness yet all it provides is death, pain, suffering and despair in the end. Believing in the beauty of this world is simply a way to hide away from it all. I've been hiding for too long. I've moved in to the land of make-believe and well... Fred's dead, folks... King Friday is no more. It's lost it's luster, it's become tarnished and soiled and I haven't the strength anymore to keep it cleaned up.

The reality of my situation is grim and one of little hope for a future, to be honest. I brought heaven to earth for a short time... and now I welcome hell. I took a loan out on the afterlife I should have had and used it in this life. It was fun, but the time for that grows short.

And so, I re-invent myself yet again. What I will be only time can tell, but it will be a shadowy reflection of my former self, that I can assure you. I alone will bear this torment, though. It is mine and no-one elses. Perhaps, in all that is true, it really is the only thing I can claim for myself. One by one as my commitments are completed, my life will change and will be revealed in it's true form... the beauty of the dark, the comfort of the cold, the peace of the grave.

To those that I hold dear to my heart, my nature will not change as they truly know me to be. To those who don't really know me that well... there will be some shock and surprise in store for them. Death smiles upon me and life itself cowers in fear of what is to come. I bask in it's embrace and welcome the change for that is where we're all headed eventually, anyway. Perhaps, this way, I can finally achieve some peace.

Knowing when to shut the hell up

Learned something new last night... learned that it's wise to know when to just shut the hell up. I don't mean that in a negative sort of way... just a matter-of-fact sort of way. Sometimes, people just *need* to feel miserable, I think. They need to work through the feelings, not talk about them or deal with people trying to cheer them up and make them feel better. Of course, for someone who is used to cheering people up, can usually see the bright side of things or has trained themselves to look at life from a different perspective, it's a hard thing to just... "shut the hell up."

I hate seeing friends in pain of any kind and am just quite naturally geared to help provide a solution. This natural tendency of mine can be misconstrued as many things, it can also be taken advantage of. But it's just my nature... and I don't think I'll ever be able to change that no matter what I do. I can learn (and have learned), however, that when people are becoming more unhappy at my attempts to help/cheer them up... I should just back off and let them process what they need to process and know that when/if they want some cheer or help from me, they'll come to me. It doesn't make me feel much better... because in some ways I feel like I failed ... but as my dad is fond of saying, the only true failure is the failure to try... of which I've rarely ever been guilty.

So, I think about that and remember that I'm being true to myself and doing what is in my heart to do. It often means catching the brunt of people's hostility... or sometimes just a jab of it and not the full force blows... it depends on their personality, usually. Caring enough to "try to help" often illicits that response, tho. It's something I've come to accept and deal with. When I do see the joy of life come out in people, it's a beautiful thing. It's something I love to see. When people can sit back and think about the blessings they have and balance them with the adversities they have, it's wonderful.

Mind you... I'm JUST as guilty of "wallowing in pain and misery" as anyone. I know I've had my moments where I've been upset about something and no-one on this earth could possibly make it any better. Even if they really COULD make it better, it still doesn't change the fact that what happened to me was "fucked up" or aggravated me or irritated me, etc. It's something I try to keep in mind but I don't always succeed before irritating someone with my cheerful nature.

At any rate, it's something I've learned now and will try to keep it (along with the other life lessons I'ce picked up along the way) in the forefront of my mind. I just hope I don't end up becoming insensitive to people's needs in the process of learning to let people be.

Bite Me, Ernesto

So I actually got up on time and got myself out the door and to the office in Port St. Lucie on time. Yay. I was all ready to get the keys to the house I'll be living in, move in , get settled, etc. etc. blah blah blah. Of course, there's this pesky little storm out there named Ernesto that has to go and screw that idea up. By 3:30 today, it was determined that it's heading straight for Port St. Lucie and will more than likely be at least a Cat 1 by the time it gets there. So... my boss comes and tells me that they're leaving early on Tuesday and not even coming on Wednesday since that's when the storm is going to be there. He then continues on saying that if they have no power or if there are other problems, I probably would not be needed until Friday and since that's the last day of the week and Monday's a holiday... that I might as well wait until Tuesday of next week to come back. That's a full week of wages gone. $1800 ... poof. Grrr.

So, I'm back in Orlando waiting to see what this mass of wind and rain is going to do, if anything. If I'm lucky, it won't do anything an I can return to work on Thursday. We'll see, I guess.

My alarm on my phone just went off and so I have to go make a phone call. Guess I'll cut this short. Didn't really have much to say anyway other than express my irritation at the weather. Wasn't that an exciting read? :-P

The Disease

I've begun to arrive at a deeper understanding about Life. I've begun to achieve some clarity of thought about who I am, what I am, where my existence is going, where it's been, etc. I've been locked in a world of mythology that I never really believe in. The anthropomorphized idea of a Father God figure, stories told that describe ideas of beings in physical forms so that we may try to understand and comprehend. Yet we don't seem to be able to make sense of it, half the time... what does it all mean and all that shit.

I've begun to realize that what my ancestors called God and Satan are, in my opinion, Life and Life's enemy Death. I've come to understand more about how this whole world of ours plays out. That Life is omnipresent, omniscient, omnipotent and that Death is final and is the end of Life. I've also come to believe in the potential to transubstantiate past the physical form of Life into a metaphysical form of Life even though our physical form dies. I've come to understand that the agents of Death are disease and they are everywhere... there are new ones popping up all the time to kill the faithful, to weaken them and knock them down and beat them into submission. The most devastating of them all and the one that has had it's grips on me is a disease of the mind. It fights to take control of that which will transubstantiate past the boundaries of this physical world... it does so to make me lose hope and be less concerned about the physical form. This makes it easier for disease to kill my physical form before I'm ready to transubstantiate. It is the nature of Death.

I've come to the understanding and ability to conceptualize these things in such a manner that allows me to see Life and Death as powers at work in this existance without the need to personify and anthropomophize them. This is what has brought me to where I am right now which I know is a stronger person.

There are agents of Life just as there are agents of Death. These agents are part of nature. Water, H2O, is one. It provides Life to all living things. Without it, our bodies would die. I believe that we are also always looking for ways to fight the demons (diseases) that affect us whether they be of the mind or of the body. Some of these have been considered too powerful for mortal man to wield by those that would seek power over others. Those that would choose to "play God" and control us have deemed them illegal or "controlled" in order to regulate the process of growth. Is too much of a good thing bad? It's hard for me to conceptualize that. It may be tiring, it may be "hard" on the physical body... but I believe that is what makes the physical body stronger too. When one works out to improve their muscles, they must rip and tear at the muscles in order to encourage them to be bigger and stronger, thus being able to handle more stress put upon them. Perhaps my mind is being torn asunder to encourage it to get bigger and stronger and not be so weak in the face of the adversity that is attacking it. This is, in fact, exactly what I believe.

There are those that would think I'm nuts here. Well, that's alright I guess... I'll be nuts if that's what it takes to achieve true happiness for myself and not judge those that choose another path.

I've been struggling with my life's choices for a long time now. I've struggled with the concept of changing genders for a long time and have even contemplated trying to "go back" to what I was before. But that would be a step back from my spiritual growth. I keep forgetting that I have choices. That not only do I have choices with what I do with my physical form, but also how my mind perceives those choices. I keep allowing my love for others, my willingness to accept and love them all to backfire into feelings of doubt about myself. THIS is the disease I am trying to identify here.

Okay... so... I show my acceptance and love for someone else and they show me a judgment they have about me and what I've done. The disease then attacks and tells my mind that I was wrong for doing what I believed was right because something else told me something different. I must continue to fight this and find a way to lash back at that disease that affects me and remind myself that I am who I am because I choose that, because it is right for me. That no-one else's determination of who and what I am, what I've done and how I've lived my life has any bearing over it. I have one being to be responsible to.. that's myself. My Life is precious and it's the only one I have. I can't get another one.

Strength of mind is where I must focus... in addition to strength of body. I've been neglecting the body and it shows. It's time for me to pick up from where I left off and rebuild that which I've let the disease steal from me. The disease still has my mind in it's clutches but I can see that it's still alive and well, waiting for me to fight for it and take it back. I will continue to fight and win... no matter what the cost... for it is MY Life ... and no one else can fight that disease but me.

Put the Needle on the Record

You know that movie, "How Stella Got Her Groove Back?" Yeah... well, I think in my case it's more of a situation where the vinyl was in disrepair, the needle was broken (* wink *), the table mat was ripped up, the tone arm out of balance, etc. etc... but I have news....

The vinyl's been mostly cleaned up and restored, got a brand new needle, and the table's in working order again. Sure, sometimes it skips a little but I'm getting those grooves back one at a time, biotch. :)

I had a horrible morning after I left the house... dealing with Orlando, I-Drive, Monday Morning traffic... twice... dealing with the Bank of Satan (America) and other BS too. But then, by the time I got on the road and started listening to the set I spun last night... I was feeling better. And then, as I was listening I began to put together some of the pieces of what I'm missing in order to find that golden goose called happiness. :) Yeah... go figure this... a DJ saved my life ... and that DJ was me. Weird, eh? I think subconsciously I've been trying to tell myself a message and I've not been listening... but this time I was a captive audience. I know this sounds sorta crazy but I swear it's the truth. I caught myself grinning like an idiot the entire trip to Port St. Lucie today, singing at the top of my lungs, dancing in my seat, bouncing around, screaming "Yeah!" or "Hell yeah!" along the way at the appropriate moments and finally gettin' what my subconscious is telling me.... in other words... I'm pickin' up what I'M laying down for once. Yeah, it's a little weird... but so am I... deal with it or stop reading. :-P

Anyway... that's all i have to say at the moment... I'm off to find alcohol right now. :)

Peace,
Jenna

So the Story Goes

Yeah, the continuing story unfolds. It's not unlike any other boy meets girl story other than it's more like... boy becomes girl, meets wrong boy, dumps boy, meets right girl at wrong time, becomes indifferent about gender, meets other girl becoming boy also at wrong time.

Okay, so it's not like the typical boy meets girl story at all... I lied.

Anyway...

The details of that snaggle will remain within the confines of my unequivocably (thank you Heather) befuddled mind until such a time as life warrants the story to be told... which will probably be just before the last trump (thanks Douglas).

I started a new job last week. It's been interesting... getting back on the horse of life again. Twink often has told me about the time she went off the radar for a time due to personal relationship bullshit and strife... I think I got her time beat by a month but that's not important (so why did I mention it... I know... because I like to see myself type, apparently... it's my blog, let me do my thing).

Working for a new company, living in a new place, re-learning the relationship ropes in a different way ... it's all very oddly freeing and at the same time aggravating (it's disgusting but I friggin' love it). I should be asleep right now but I can't sleep thanks to a great conversation that lasted my entire cell battery plus some... it gave it's life for the event.

I'm getting to know myself again... which is weird since I think I left myself behind about... oh... 12 to 14 years ago. That's a lot of catch up to do to get my groove back... but I'm a quick learner usually so I have faith in my ability to overcome myself (thankfully, I know all my weaknesses and know all my own buttons so I don't stand a chance against myself... HA!)

Once I've unlocked all the doors and regained control of this "out of left field" (thanks Daniel) consciousness of mine, I believe my time will come to shine, prosper, flourish like I've never seen before... I believe I've only lightly tapped the full-extent of my possibility so... be prepared for the grand awakening... Insanity awaits with abated breath.

So yeah... now that I've spent a few paragraphs saying everything and nothing simultaneously... I'm going to bed.

Fnord

Everybody, Anybody, Somebody and Nobody.

This is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

I love this story. I remember reading it a long time ago (when I was VERY little) and thinking it was very clever. Nowadays, it's more meaningful, of course. Later on, there was even a song I listened to that echoed the same idea. The chorus went like this:

Everybody said that anybody could do / The important things somebody should do / Everybody knows that anybody could do / All the good things that nobody did

It's hard being nobody. Being somebody is pretty easy, actually. All ya gotta do is complain about what nobody did. Being everybody is even easier. But being nobody... well, that's where things get done and all ya get is shit about it because somebody thinks everybody should be doing what nobody did.

The question I always have to ask myself is which one of these four people am I today? I try to be nobody. It pays off (if you can deal with the shit you get for it) simply by seeing the results of what got done. But how do you share that with somebody when they're just going to complain ... or everybody when you know they could/should have done it themselves and will just end up blaming somebody? Sharing is definitely caring... but sometimes caring hurts too much when there aren't any other nobodys to share it with.

Sometimes my priorities are out of whack. Sometimes I'm forgetful. Sometimes I'm VERY tempted to be somebody or everybody. But I'm happiest when I'm nobody. The only thing that makes me happier is to be a nobody for another nobody. I know a few nobodys. But they all have a somebody (yes... I picked that word specifically). I know a lot of somebodys too, and try to stay clear of them... but they're attracted to nobodys, ya know. I don't know everybody, nor do I want to.

I'd say somebody will get this, but I doubt it since they'll be too busy complaining about the fact that I wrote it... and I know everybody won't get this. Anybody could get it... but nobody will absolutely get it.

So... who are you?

Just Another Day

Okay, so usually when I write, I write about big things... big events, great portents and meaning or some other bullshit. Yeah... well, today was just a day. There were some cool things that happened (like getting a call from a Headhunter that *might* actually pan out this time) and finally getting back on track with the MP3s for PLUR Records, etc. There were some aggravating things too... things we didn't get to... things we did get to... etc. and etc. and blah blah blah. But all-in-all... it was just an ordinary day and that was a good thing. It's been nice to not have huge things over our heads that keeps us in fear of the future. With a little forethought and planning, these types of issues may not rear their heads as ugly as they have in the recent past. Just gotta be able to stay on top of everything or rely on each other to stay on top of the things we can't for each other when it's needed (okay... it's late and grammar has left me... so what).

So... just an ordinary day for the likes of me today. Yay. Hope y'all were bored too.

Peace,
Jenna

I have a bed!

Yay! After sleeping on the couch in the new house for at least a week, I finally have my bed here. :) I don't know about anyone else, but to me it doesn't feel like you live somewhere until you have your own space with your bed and your stuff around you. It's just... "your space" where no-one you don't want there can encroach upon. It's a great feeling.

Now there's still a lot to be done and there are plans to be made. But it's now starting to feel like it's all coming together, finally... at least for me. I've been sacrificing my own personal space for the greater good for the family, but now things are coming together for me. :)

I'm so grateful to Josh and Stephen for helping me get the bed over here and set up. I'm very grateful to Rob for going to the store and orchestrating the process of getting it ordered and delivered.

Now, I've got to get the rest of my stuff here, get the office/studio set up here, etc. I'm grateful for all the work Twink has done in getting the house together like she has. She's been a busy bee around here getting things moving along to where it works, is awesome to look at, is homey (or homely as she puts it and makes me giggle every time), just all around ... *deep contented sigh* ... is the only way to really put it.

There are times, now and then, when I wish my input was a little more accepted and less questioned. Don't get me wrong, Twink ALWAYS asks me what I think of how to set things up, if I'd like this or that, etc. She ALWAYS wants to know how I feel about it. Sometimes, however, I get the veto-pout and eyebrow furrow that makes my will wrap around her extremeties... but it's all good because eventually I realize that she's put a lot more thought and work into the layout and setup than I have. I've usually had other unpleasantness to deal with while she's had the fun of getting things fixed up, cleaned up and set up the way she likes it. There are times when it's something important to me... like the setup of the office/studio. I worked on that for two days in a design program to work out a way to make the flow of the room work best in an office and studio type of situation/feel. She started working today on getting that area cleaned up and moved around and has decided that she wants her desk and turntables where she put them. When I tried to mention that I had already worked out a plan, I got the above mentioned veto. Now I'm trying to work out a compromise that makes sense and won't un-fung her shui. *sigh* ... it's like being married without the really REALLY fun part. :-P I'll probably mention all this to her later since this is going to be a private entry anyway. We'll see what kind of reaction I get... she HAS been drinking. There's always the heartstrings... it sounds evil but it's not... it's just knowing how each other operates and working out the compromise together.

Anyway, I don't want to come off like I'm not happy with how things are. I'm not being ungrateful or taking any of what she's done for granted. Quite the contrary... I'm obviously paying attention. :) These are just the things that make life interesting. Right now she's entertaining herself by playing records for Stephen... stuff he says he's not heard or hasn't heard in a long time. She wants to go to Walmart. I might just go for her since they're having such a good time. I'm looking forward to my bed more than anything at this point. Heh... it's awesome, truly. :)

At any rate, I'm gonna close this entry for now. (damn she's droppin' a hot track right now). Anyway... more later!

Two Responsibilities

Started this blog at 3:45 a.m. I've written and erased a lot of stuff about life and moving and all kinds of other shit. As I was writing I found myself reminding myself of my two rules and suddenly everything made sense again. Thankfully.

1. First Responsibility: Each person is responsible for their own condition.

My mental, emotional and physical conditions are my own responsibility and if I were to transfer that by saying "He's making me angry" or "She's driving me insane" or "This is making me sick" is simply me giving control of my well-being to something or someone else. Recognizing that enables me to take back control of my own condition if I choose. Keeping this concept in mind is one of the most difficult tasks for me to do sometimes when life's events continue to occur as they do, impacting the progress I try to make. It's a natural reaction to make someone else responsible. In truth, they're responsible for their own actions but not how I feel about them. Which leads me to number 2...

2. Second Responsibility: Each person is responsible for how they relate to their environment, but not for how their environment relates to them.

We are responsible for how we relate to people, places and things and must bear the responsibility. But we are not responsible for how they relate to us. Perhaps something we did made them choose to do what they did. Perhaps it was something else ... maybe there was another outside life influence that affected their choices. The one life you live is yours, not theirs so it's impossible for you to know 100% what it is that causes them to act the way they do without asking them.

This second responsibility is even harder for me to keep focused on because I care about people so much. I care about what they think, how they feel, etc. Even more so when they're close to me... when they've taken an interest in me more so than just what I can do for them either actively or passively. A real, honest interest. When they're upset, I'm upset and I want to help. It's just who I am. Some people understand this, others don't.

There are two ways this can play out if the second rule is not remembered. One is resentmenet. In order to help out and be a good friend, I sacrifice my resources for them (time, money, etc.) to make things easier for them. This can lead to resentment at times if it's felt like an equal effort is not being returned. But what I must remember at times like this is that I chose to do what I did. Once I remember that, once I dig back and think about why... it becomes beautifully clear.

The second way this can play out is guilt. When I give and give and then stop for a moment to take care of something I need to do for myself, and my friends become burdened with something that I can't help with or said I would help with or otherwise, I begin to feel pangs of guilt for leaving them in a situation that I could have helped with if I hadn't stopped for a moment to be selfish. What I must remember at times like these is that being selfish is not a bad thing. If one doesn't take care of themselves and their own responsibilities, their lives will be out of balance and they will not be able to help anyone else. Circumstances are unfortunate in many cases and it is good to comiserate and provide support for each other in that respect.

I will not stop trying to save the world; it's who I am. I will not compromise who I am. It's what makes me happy. But I will stop getting upset over whether the world wants to give anything back to me. If it does, it does and it becomes a beautiful thing. If it doesn't, I have the option to continue to give or to stop giving. I will also try to stop feeling guilty for things I had no control over while I was being a little selfish. I was only trying to take care of my own responsibilities so that my life was in order and freed up to help another with theirs.

I have the feeling that today is going to be a very productive day.

Underhanded Underwriters

There's a show called "Inside The Actor's Studio" on Bravo where this dude interviews actors in front of film students. At the end of each show he askes them several questions from a questionnaire designed by some french dude he admires. Anyway... one of these questions is what profession other than your own would you MOST like to attempt and which one would you LEAST like to attempt. After this weekend, I can say that "underwriter" would not be for me.

So, it's been a while since I last updated my journal. Twink and Josh and I have been trying to find a house and we found one. We've been through a LOT trying to get into this house, but I'll tell you, this last Friday was the most trying of them all. We were all poised and ready. Everything was in order. I was getting ready to go to the closing when I got a call from the mortgage broker saying that the receptionist where I work told the bank that I was fired two months ago. My boss was in flight and could not get to the phone when they tried to call. I tried to direct them to facilitator of my contract but they wouldn't have it. They wanted to speak to my boss. So, they wouldn't close. Meanwhile, Twink and Josh have all their belonging locked up in a truck ready to unload at the new house. We're stuck in a waiting pattern until Monday when my employment can be verified and we can finally get into the house.

This lender has been a pain in the ass. They didn't like the color of the pool. So we had to fix that since the seller wouldn't do anything to help. The well water filtration system was malfunctioning, so we replaced that. The day before closing they sent out the appraiser AGAIN to take pictures of the bars on the windows (long story and yes, we're going to remove them). They've waited until the last minute on everything and have activiely been keeping us from getting into this house at every turn. You would THINK a lender would want to MAKE money here. But it seems that they are less interested in that and more interested in being a pain in the ass.

At any rate, we're about 12 hours away from knowing the final outcome. Tomorrow I'll go to the closing (provided they finally get a satisfactory answer to all their conditions) and get the keys. Once that's complete, we sell this house and all is well. It's a pain in the ass, I'm tellin' ya. Not what I'm doing... but how painful the "powers that be" are making it.

So I've been trying to relax and remind myself that everything will work out the way it's meant to. Our real-estate agent has another lender waiting in the wings in the event this lender chooses to be further dickheads. This is a nice thing to have since it will enable me to play hardball with the lender tomorrow if they get squirrelly. They work for us. We can fire them whenever we want. That's what they need to know.

I also have a new job interview tomorrow and I was supposed to have a date tomorrow night (however, I think that's going to fall through). He was supposed to call sometime this weekend to let me know when he'd be free and so we could figure out where to meet and such... but no call so... blah. If he doesn't come through this time, he can kiss my ass. I'm not going to be toyed with again.

Anyway... that's about it. More later.

DETERMINED

So why is the word "deter" in the word "determined?" Doesn't make much sense to me. Anyway... Yes... I am determined. I've spent the past couple of hours digging through advertising possibilities for PLUR Records. Spin.com has a way to advertise on their site which is much cheaper than advertising in their magazine. DJ Times.... heh... well, let's just say I'd rather spend the money on a new car. I'd REALLY like to go to the DJ Expo this year and advertise there... but their rates are a little more expensive than we're ready for now... BUT...

(this is where the subject of the entry comes in)

I am DETERMINED to have a booth for PR at WMC next year in the exhibition hall. Hell, if possible, we might even sponsor a party (or help sponsor one). Maybe a joint effort between us and OGR could really move us forward. I wanna hit this one hard... or at least as hard as we can and not stop until we see the bright lights of Miami. So... that means I have less than 9 months to prepare, save, get people on board, get all the materials, etc. before the big trip. There are so many possibilities here and I know we can make it happen if we try. So be forewarned... WMC next year is a big PLURRY event, dammit. :)

I'm sure it will be expensive. I'm expecting to spend at least 10 grand on this event, but the exposure something like this could give us is beyond measure. We'll do some smaller events locally first as rehearsals. :) Now I'm even more determined to get the rest of life's personal stuff resolved as quickly as possible so we can move forward with this. I may not know what I'm doing yet... I may not know what I'm getting myself into yet... but I've never been afraid to dive in and try to swim. So watch out, world... PLUR Records is coming.

A very long night

Wheee.... So Saturday we started the migration of settlement data and applications from Orlando to Denver. Got started at about 2 PM Denver time and didn't stop for a break until 4 am Sunday morning. Came back to the hotel and slept. Now I'm on a conference call that started about 2 and a half hours ago as we try to finish this up.

I've been torn between going in to the office to be more help or just stay on the line from the hotel room to help by instruction. I think it's better that they learn the process and the tools to resolve issues without me doing it for them. It may not be a good idea for me, personally, but there are plenty of opportunities out there and this process needs more people that understand it. If push comes to shove, I will of course go into the office if they desperately need me. But they seem to have things well in hand.

I've been thinking more and more about the return to a much simpler life and it really makes me smile. We didn't have much in Indiana when I was growing up and I don't see the need to have a ton of stuff now... not any more. Just what I need to get by is enough. As long as it's nice and it's something I like... I'm good. It's sometimes difficult to push back the ideas that I'm "going backwards" especially with enough people putting ideas in my head that I would be giving up a lot that I worked so hard for. But I wasn't working hard for that stuff. Not really. I was working hard in order to provide a good life for a family. That family never came to be in the way I thought it would. Now, I have the chance to provide for a new family and see if it works out right.

One thing I'm really getting irritated about is the continuous barrage of questions about what I'm doing and why. They put the seeds of doubt in my mind and then I have to go and clear these seeds out. Sometimes, in order to do that, I have to beleaguer my friends with my doubts and fears and then they have to help me sort through them again. It gets old ... I'm sure it gets old for them because it gets old for me too. Why do people doubt my good intentions? I'm certainly not trying to take the place of anyone and I'm certainly not trying to shoehorn myself in and force them to do something they don't want to do. I also don't feel coerced into doing this by anyone.

We've all talked about this and they've talked with the kids about it. To them, I'm family and to me, they're family. That's all there is to it. Maybe my friends and relatives don't see it that way and maybe their friends and relatives don't see it that way. But unless I'm being lied to on an order and degree to which I've never seen before in my life... that's the way it is and I don't care what anyone else thinks... and according to them... they don't either. I'm finally seeing some friggin' happiness for a change. Something I've been missing for a long time now.

I hope this helps explain everything that's been going on. People haven't understood why, over the past year, I've taken in so many people into my home... why I do what I do for people... my intentions and my actions... I miss family, dammit. This makes it all that much harder to be in Denver, of course. I want to make sure that it's understood that I'm not here because I want to be here. I'm not here because I don't want to be with family and friends. I'm here because the family needs me to be here. I'll always be that way and that will never change. It gets lonely... yes... BIG TIME. Maybe that's why I like 24 so much... it's the story of someone who wanted nothing more than the simple life with his family... and to provide for that family he did what he had to do. Unfortunately, that sacrifice affected his family too much. I just hope and pray that doesn't happen here.

To my Orlando family... all of them... everyone I mentioned in my last post... I love you all so very much and I miss you very much. Be home soon.

Peace,
Jenna

A very long week

Gonna be a long one... entry that is. I've got a lot to catch up on here. So, here goes.

Sunday: Probably the worst trip of my life. It started with garlic rubber. Not garlic bread, garlic rubber. Yeah, it sucked because it looked really good in the display. Apparently they had had it there for a while. Got on the plane and just coughed and sneezed and felt miserable most the way. Couldn't sleep, couldn't do much of anything but feel like shit. Got to the hotel and found that they didn't put the hotel on the corporate card. So I had to put my own card down. Aggravating! The week is not starting well. So I go to my room, 6th floor looking out over ... uhm... Dry Creek road... nothing spectacular. It's a dark room... filled with dark furniture... very elegant... but cave-like. No kitchenette. *sigh* ... So I just crashed.

Monday: Went to work and bitched about the hotel. They fixed it. This was the fateful day of the migration. So after dealing with some plurrecords things and house things (the loan, the contract, etc.) we got ready for the migration. Started off bad because no one in the DB group had taken my notes (provided two weeks earlier) and made the required queries. So I had to do it myself, on the fly, at the beginning of the migration. *sigh*. We get through that hump and now it's time for the DB group to take over and start porting data over... a 6 to 8 hour task. So I go back to the batcave. The one good thing today was that the offer was accepted by the seller. So I picked up the fax the agent sent to the hotel, signed it and faxed it back. I was starting to feel a little chilly and realized soon enough my fever was coming back. Yay! So I decided to lay down a little knowing full well the evening was going to suck. Well, it sucked in a worse way (sorta). The DB group had problems porting the data and by 3 am eastern time, it still wasn't ready. So after several interruptive phone calls, they finally agreed to rollback and postpone the migration. Great. Wake me when there's ice cream.

Tuesday: Woke up.. no fever... but by this time the cold symptoms are just intolerable. That on top of the dry weather... my nose is fucked. Add to that some minor irritation I'm getting in my uhm... private area. I figured it was the weather, the soap, something. Ignored it for now and went to work to discuss what happened with the migration and figure out what to do about it. All the while, there's more work being done on the website, Liz is getting more records from Lucas, we made our first out-of-state sale from the site (YAY!!!!) and the house loans are in the process of getting approved. Managing all this starts to get the best of me but I deal.

Wednesday: Woke up feeling worse south of the border but still nothing I think is real bad yet. Oh well. Stuff to do, dammit. Lots of web work done today. Got several things set up properly where we can finally put MP3s up for sale. YAY! I put a couple of mine up there that were decent. I'll replace them when I get home with better versions. Started working on a way to get the sound samples to play in a player rather than by loading the sample into the page. That almost killed me because I thought I had screwed up some code. I get it all done... show it to Liz... and... well... she showed me something else better. *sigh*. Don't get me wrong... what we ended up using is MUCH better and I love it... I'm glad she showed it to me. I just wish I had spent the time earlier working with the new solution (the current solution) than futzing around with a lot of code I had to learn at the samne time I was installing it. Oh well. On top of all this... I did go to work and came home feeling even worse down in Texas. So I decided to find out why and found a lump in a VERY untenable place (not going to discuss where... I know where and that's all that matters). Anyway... it kinda freaked me out. So I figured I'd just bear through the migration (now scheduled for Saturday), and then excuse myself for my return trip and see my doc. Went to bed a little scared.. but okay.

Thursday: BAD PAIN! Woke up feeling like my $@&! was on fire. The lump was bigger and more painful too. So, there was no question... I called my boss and she took me to the emergency room. Turned out to be an absess which they chose to take care right there and then. Whee! Miles and miles away from anyone that I care about or that cares about me... going to the hospital with a doctor I don't know... getting surgery. With no insurance either. Can I get a woot!? Yeah, I thought not. But the good news is, it's handled and they gave me percosets (saves for later, biotches). I spent the day at the hotel working more on the site, trying to download tools that would allow me to utilize the sample player we bought and having no luck. Ended up just chatting with Liz for a bit and watching a couple of movies.

Friday: Woke up today and went to work feeling a little better. I managed to get the tool I need to work with and got the XML files made for the sample player. Signed all the paperwork for the equity loan and sent that back to Orlando, trained new developers on what a credit card is... (joy) ... and went to dinner with the woman I thought hated me. Turns out I was wrong. Always good to find that out. The Denver situation is a little different now. There's a player involved at the highest level that didn't like my e-mail I sent on my last day as a FT employee. Everyone else things I can walk on water (which I can as long as it's on the ground or frozen). Anyway... throughout all of this... I've been working ... a lot... on a lot of things. And coming home to ... well... nothing but my music, a couple of movies and this laptop.

I tried to talk to Liz about it tonite but her mind was somewhere else. When I realized we were on different pages and she was busy with something else, I figured I'd log out so I could concentrate on finishing up the XML files. So I told her I'd be back later and signed off, not really thinking anything else. Got the code finished and the files uploaded. Started testing and tried to message Liz... but she'd already checked out for the night. She left me a couple of messages which were rather terse... I guess I left the chat at an inappropriate time. Oh well... Par for the course at this point. I didn't mean to offend. Just thought I could get some stuff done and then we could both have our "other stuff" done and chat. Text is so impersonal with no emotions, facial expressions or body language. It sorta sucks. Sorry if I upset you, Liz. Wasn't my intention, honest!

It gets so lonely up here, tho. And I know my friends in Orlando have lives and have bad days, bad weeks, etc. And I don't mind listening to them bitch and moan because they do the same for me. Then we get over it and have a good chat. But tonite I'm really feeling it. I feel very removed from everything. The idea of spending another week here... the idea of working ALL weekend... the idea of coming back here at some point... they're all just disgusting to me... and this time I DON'T love it. I miss my family and friends something fierce. The part that kills me is that I know that when their bad day is over... they go back to their families and friends, cuddle up, snuggle up, and let the world piss off for a while. Meanwhile... up in Denver. It'd be different if I was some sort of Jack Bauer type of character with something going on all the time. At least I wouldn't have time to miss anyone. But as it is, right now... I'm in the long dark teatime of the soul and there's little to be done about it.

I did get to chat with my friend Jon in Mass tonight tho. He helped me get out of the funk I was in. I sent him MP3s of my latest mix CD and we listened to it together and chatted. It was nice. I haven't had the opportunity to sit and enjoy some music with a friend for a long time. I've missed it. I hope this business with the house gets wrapped up soon. It *IS* something I want to do... but at the same time... the process is just maddening. It was last time too, though. Being in Denver for part of it is not making it any better, though. Heh.

So... that brings us up to now. I'm sure I've left some things out because I'm pretty exhausted and I haven't gotten to sleep before 3 am any night this week. So I think I'm gonna go crash. Hopefully tomorrow will go smoothly at work and I won't have to worry about a bunch of BS. Even so, I still have a week in Denver (and a plane ticket to fix since I was supposed to leave today and never got the chance to fix the ticket) before I can go home. I miss Liz, Josh, Taylor, Matt, David, Steven, Rob, Laura, Jim, Michelle, Justin, Nicole, Kyle, Mat, Brynja, Ansley, Heather, Rabbit ... ARGH! I miss y'all something fierce... and can't wait until I get home. Keep the home fires burning. I'll get there as soon as I can.

Headed back to Denver

If it seems like the only time I have to update this anymore is when I'm in Devner... you're right. Life in Orlando is BUSY! Between PLUR Records, finding a new place to live, preparing to sell the current house and little things that FHMS has for me to do... I've been pretty damned busy. Hopefully, once I'm in the new house things will settle down. Of course, I'm not sure how much I can think that either because there's gonna be a lot of changes made to the house, etc. Lots o' stuff to do to it.

Right now, I'm at the airport stealing some of their wireless bandwidth to write this while I wait for the plane to be ready to board. So, I figured I'd catch up on a few things.

Let's see... the short list:

1. Josh and Twink don't have a place to live after July. So we all talked about it and decided to get a house together. The equity in my home would more than covert the DP for a new house.
2. We found a house, inspected it... found 27000 mold spores per cubic meter and said, "uhm, no" It was a discouraging day.
3. Found another house yesterday which we both like and we think it's do-able. It means a lot of hard work prepping my house to sell and getting the new house cleaned up and fixed up. But I can't stand by and watch my friends (and their children) lose their home without doing something.
4. I've somehow managed to get sick... I left the house with a 100 degree fever... dunno what that will mean for the next few days but it should be interesting.
5. Got some new old-school records in for the site. They're absolutely awesome and will probably sell very well (if we can get people to recognize that we exist).
6. Twink and Josh got married. That was an interesting day. The "ceremony" and the gathering was wonderful... that evening something a little effed up happened between David and I... which put me in a bad place... but I'm better now. I might write about here, I dunno. We'll see.
7. Got financing going for the new house we're trying to buy. Somehow, I'm going to have to manage all that from Denver. That should prove interesting too.

In short... it's never a dull day with Jenna. Nope. Always something to be done. But, like I've said before, it keeps me out of trouble, I guess. :)

Well, I see someone at the desk now and I need to get a seat assignment... so I'm gonna close this for now. More later.

Be Careful What You Wish For

So... I've been bitching and moaning a bit about FHMS not really having anything I can do. Well, that all changed today. The migration schedule has been moved forward 11 days and so everything's gone into high gear all of a sudden. This is a welcome change in that it's a change... but sheese... haven't they heard of easing into the next gear instead of trying to throttle it like there's no tomorrow? But... this will enable some other good things to happen personally... so I bite the bullet and do what I have to do. It sucks... but c'est la vie.

I went to Unison's location in Glendale, CO today. Met their HR person and am gratified that I'm back in a small company again... serving big clients. How long this will last? Who's to say. But at least I can walk away without losing my job. Kinda cool idea. I like this so far.

Of course, this is all in the effort to put more money into PLUR Records and get it going. Thank GOD for Twink ... handling all the business I can't get to while I'm up here making money for the company. I don't know what I'd do without her. It's not easy for her, I know... she has other responsibilities too. I appreciate every little thing she does. Big Kudos!

Anyway, this was just a quick note. Nothing more to relate at the moment. More Later.

2nd Day In Hell, Craziness At Home and Teaching Parents about Technology

It's been a busy day. I was supposed to meet my new employer for breakfast this morning but that didn't take shape. It's okay though because we eventually caught up with each other later and had lunch. So far, I like them. I'm planning to go see them at their offices tomorrow. I had two meetings today to try and help FHMS set up what they want to accomplish. It was amazing how little things have changed... but being in the position I am now in... I can better dictate how things should go. This is a good thing. This means, I might be able to actually get some work done now. When I saw how it was starting to go, I just ... took over the meeting, basically, and told them how we were going to do it. I was surprised at the response... it was pretty much welcomed. They seriously needed direction. They're scared about the migration because they don't know who will support it. But as long as I'm around (and they pay me for my time), I'll help support it.

The other nice thing here is that if I ever get tired of working with them, Unison can move me to another client. Yay! If I don't want to work, I don't... I don't get paid for it... but that makes sense. Anyway... I already said that before.

Earlier today I found out that one of my roommates who had been jobless for a while, finally got a job but within the same hour totaled his car. I felt so bad for him. Especially since the job is all the way on the other side of town. My quandary here (as it often is) is knowing where to draw the line between showing compassion for someone vs. enabling them. He still needs to have a job. It sucks that this happened... but he still needs to help me out if he's going to stay there. I just hope he does the right thing. I love him to death and just want to see him succeed.

Back at work... they want to fingerprint me again. Whee. It sucks but I guess I have to do it this time. I'm not doing it until after I hand over my paperwork to Unison tho. I want to be hired somewhere before they do a background check, find that I had a bad credit rating 4 years ago and decide I'm not bondable or something stupid like that. It's BS. Total BS.

There's other BS going on too in other friends' lives and it pisses me off to see it. Not that I'm a saint, by any means. I have my grand moments of stupidity. We can often see the speck in other peoples' eyes and overlook the log in our own. That's part of humanity, I guess. I try to be humble about it ... but sometimes I'm an ass. But I have good, caring friends that smack me when I need to be smacked and lift me up when I do something right... just as I do for them. Sometimes I get smacked more than I get lifted up... but that's when I'm being stubborn, usually. That's a very Ramsey trait, by the way.

Anyway... I also decided to help my parents install Yahoo Messenger tonite. Since I have the webcam with me and we've talked about it for... oh... forever... I figured now's a good time. *smirk* So... probably about 120 of my minutes for this month are gone now for that. Yay. Oh well. Life goes on. I'll deal with it. Anyway, we got it so they could see my cam and now my dad's motivated to get his working. He thinks it's pretty cool... which of course... it is. *grin*

Anyway, that's about all for now. I'm going to watch a movie or something and relax a bit. More Later.