A new year, A new plan, A new life

This has been one hell of a year. Let's see. I was introduced to the rave scene, I went to my first massive event (Ultra), I met some of the best people on the face of the planet, I went through the emotional wringer with people very close to me and had to excise a cancer from from our group of friends, Rob left three different jobs and finally went back to the company he started at, Rob and I broke up bitterly and have resolved enough to become friends again, I fell in and out of love several times, my love of music and writing music was rekindled, I bought turntables and began learning how to spin, I started a vinyl record sales company with Twink which opens it's doors in March, I collaborated with Rabbit on a track for a contest which we took first place in, I bought tickets to the WMC for next year... been a busy, busy year. Next year will be even more of the same. A fire has been lit under my hiney, basically. It's time to move on with life and do what I want to do, what I love doing, what I was meant to do.

This coming year will be a year of music. It will be one of change in both vocation and avocation. To quote Tank (from the Matrix), "It's an exciting time to be alive!" I'm looking forward to it with great anticipation and excitement! No More Drama. It's time to get this party started!

The Calm

Today is Thanksgiving. I have today through Sunday off. It's going to be a long and interesting weekend, I believe. Rob and I "officially" broke up romantically about two weeks ago (even though it really happened long before that). We've finally discovered that we're much better together as friends than as lovers. Every time we try to get involved as lovers, one or both of us are not satisfied and we begin to be mean to each other as a result of the unfulfilled expectations from each other. It's not a bad thing or a good thing... it's just a thing. Others seems to be attaching "meaning" to it more than we are, tho. Whatever, that's their problem... not ours.

His parents are coming today to spend the day with us. They're also spending the night too. It should be interesting to see how all this plays out. I truly hope they can see and understand where we are with this and that we're okay with it. We're being adults about it. Yeah, there were some childish moments like "Well you started it!" and shit like that... but that's a natural reaction. I don't want to lose his friendship or theirs. But I won't tolerate any disrespect or "adult parenting" from them or anyone else for that matter. We can make our own decisions and that's what we've done. Deal with it.

I opened up a couple of entries in my journal that were private before. Felt okay with sharing them now. There are still a few that are way too personal for me to open up at the moment. I may never open them up. But re-reading through a lot of this has helped me follow the progression of my life recently. Heh. I guess sometimes you just gotta look back and say, "How the hell did I get here?"

Tomorrow I may be going to Tampa. Either tomorrow or Saturday. I'm picking up Mouse. He's coming to stay here for a little while until he's able to move up to NC. Why here? He has no where else to go at the moment and I offered. I won't let a friend of mine be homeless. I'm definitely going to Tampa on Sunday. Rob's invited me to go with him to MOSI. Sounds fun, actually. I'm hoping V goes with us. It's her birthday and I know she'd enjoy getting out of the house and doing something "normal" as she puts it. Normalcy is something subjective anyway, so whatever. I love her but my view of normalcy is a tad different I guess. :)

There's rumor of a party this weekend too. I'm hoping there is since we're not going to see Brad Smith on Saturday night now. V can't afford to go/doesn't want to go... Twink doesn't want to hear House music, and I don't want to go without either of them... so... we're looking for something else now. This party would be a good thing because we might be able to get a DJ slot for Laura (Twink's sister). That would be awesome. She's really good and she used to DJ on the radio all the time. Familial responsibilities have taken precedence in her life recently and she just needs a break. I so hope this all goes down and goes down in the right way. That would be freakin' awesome. :)

I'm very VERY proud of Twink. She wrote her first tune the other day. :) While at her house last weekend she asked me to show her what to do in ACID Pro and Soundforge. So I did. And just as I thought, she sat down and put together a track that was unique and very much her. It didn't have all the elements she wanted... but it was definitely the best "first attempt" I've heard from anyone in a long time. Yay! If that's how she gets started... I can't wait to hear what she can come up with with some practice. :)

Well, that's enough for right now. I'll write more later after events unfold. ** poof **

Just when you think you got it all figured out...

I am one dense bitch sometimes. Okay, maybe most times. I'm pretty sure that at one point in my life... heap many moons ago, I had all this shit figured out. Then I lost it and figured out something else. Losing that, to figure out what I had figured out in the first place is kinda nuts, but I'm giving it a shot. I probably think too much... why else did I get into programming in the first place?

What the fuck am I talking about? Okay, let me bring it into more concrete terms for others who don't live inside my head (yes, that'd be you). Sometimes, I just need to talk. I need to hear myself "think out loud." It helps me see things I hadn't seen before. Of course, when one talks to themselves, it just looks nutty... I've seen people on the side of the road do it and well, it just looks nutty. So I try not to do that.

So the only alternatives are either to not talk about it and suffer the silence in my head (which can be unbearable) or to talk to someone else about it. Now, mind you, I'm not looking for answers from anyone. Well sometimes I am... but if it's something I already know the answer to, sometimes I just need to blab for a bit. The problem is a) making sure you around someone who can tolerate you thinking out loud and b) making sure that person knows that's what you're doing and that you're not asking them for advice, answers or directions. This is one of those things I lost at that one point in my life and am taking back. Think of this as a mental scavenger hunt.

I realize this paints me in the light of "that bitch needs help." And that may be true. Maybe I'm just figuring it all out on my own, though, and getting "help" would do little more than lighten my wallet. This last part makes more sense to me. All I can do is rely on the patience of my friends as I work things out. Thing is, I'm not sure if I've run out of patience and am running on humor alone (being patient with me vs. humoring me). Can insanity truly be that far away? Dunno, don't care. I just want to have a clear mind at some point before I die... that'd be nice.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is this... to anyone who has felt burdened by my ramblings and woes, to those who have felt like they've been chosen by me to fix me or at least attempt repair... I've got it now. I can handle it and it's all good. If I do start to falter, just remind me that I'll figure it out in the end and let me babble a bit. And with that, I'm going to bed... it's late and I'm tired.

Whatever

Blah... so I'm just sitting here doing laundry, monitoring some stupid BS at work, thinking about all the other crap I was trying to get done today... and realizing I'm just fuckin' stretched too thin, basically. One would think that my S.O. would have helped me out with these things... but since he never did and now he's not my S.O. ... it's still all on me. So now, I have to simplify. Condense. Retract. Regroup. Whatever. It's all a matter of priorities, really. Of course, this week is a rough one. We have the holiday coming up and his parents are coming to visit. I'm hoping there won't be too much drama from it. I have about 18,393,207 things to do and about 2.7 minutes a day to do it in. WTF? Eeeyarg.... it drives me nutz.

Okay, enough bitching. Actually, what I wanted to write about is how free I've been feeling lately. Revent events have opened my eyes and ears to things I had not paid attention to before. I've been fucking up and fucking off. And it's past time I stopped. Now that I'm not so wrapped up trying to figure out what's going on with my relationship, I've become much more focused in my own priorities. This is a good thing. It helps me get better, figure out what I want and where I want to go and what I want to do. Anyone that wants to come along for that ride is more than welcome... but it's my show from here on. Maybe someday I'll meet someone that I can relate to enough and who relates to me enough that it can be "our show." I've felt that connection before, and I've met others who have felt that connection to me. But I've yet to find the one where it's reciprocated both ways. Maybe I never will. But I'm okay with that now. And that is freedom. Freedom from fear of the future and what lies ahead. Freedom from fear, period, to be honest.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I don't need anyone else's approval or acceptance about who and what I am. It's empowering. I have a lot of shit to take care of before I can truly spread my wings and fly... but as soon as the mess that's been made is cleaned up... you can bet that I'll be taking flight ASAFP. Just thought I'd share that. Peace, biotches.

KISS

So, I'm sitting here waiting on the laundry to finish and thinking about all the directions I'm trying to take with my life. It's not hard to see why I've been so scatterbrained lately. I've been like a kid in a candy store recently... grabbing up everything that interests me and trying to hang on to all of it... but my arms aren't quite big enough and some of the stuff I've grabbed has fallen to the ground and shattered. I still have to pay for it, too... even though now I don't want it anymore. Whee. What I need to do is figure out what I really want and put the rest back.

The rule of KISS ... Keep It Simple, Stupid. It's a simple concept, really. But yet I manage to overwhelm myself pretty easily. It doesn't stop with just activities and goals and things like that either. I get wrapped up in emotions and people too. Problem is, I tend to push people away that way. The fact that I can recognize this ugliness about me is a good thing, I've been told. It's the first step on the way to overcoming it. Being "okay with myself" is the key. I like myself alright when I'm alone... but I'm always feeling the need to get that impression validated by others when I'm not.

One arena that always makes me stumble is whenever there are couples around and Rob isn't with me. I end up feeling awkward. If I *were* single, it wouldn't be such a bad thing... because then I could just mingle with whoever and it wouldn't matter. But when he's not around... it makes me wonder about why we're not together.

Actually (and this is where the post goes completely off topic), I often wonder about how much we actually have in common. We met in an internet chat room for transgendered people. I can't remember us actually having all that much in common, to be honest. Some of the video games and movies I like, he liked. We both enjoyed playing role playing games, but that has started to lose it's flavor. Just growing out of it maybe? Or maybe I'm getting oversaturated.

The more I think about what common interests we have, the more I find that they are fewer and farther between. We have different views in TV, Movies, Politics, Music, lots of things. Hell, we don't even get fucked up together. This would seem to be a relationship built on one thing... my transition. But now that the transition is complete... what do we have in common? Helluva time to find all this out.

I'm marginally more compatible with V. But she also reminds me of a time that is now past. I guess maybe I'm growing past my ties of before. Things that were representative of the past should not necessarily be lost or thrown out tho... but if those you love won't grow with you, what do you do? If you grow apart, you have to follow your own path. You can't follow someone else's path if it's not meant for you. I've known since I was 4 years old that my path was going to lead me to music. I left that path for a long time and took another that was interesting to me. But now it's time to get back on track to where I belong.

I love Rob. I love V. I love them both very much. But my life has changed and continues to do so. If they can't keep up, I can't wait forever for them to catch up. And maybe they don't really want to. That's fine too. Rob and I have "gotten used" to each other I think. Well, I need more. The question is, will I ever have the balls to tell him that to his face and mean it... or did I leave those in Thailand?

Timing is Everything

I think my problem has been and always will be bad timing. It seems like I'm always a day late and/or a dollar short. I can't make it to work on time. I make plans and then can't keep them because I try to make everyone but myself happy and end up making everyone miserable in the end. Even the major decisions in my life seem to have met with ill-fated timing. Tonite is no exception. I'm sitting at home miserable when I could be with good friends and family, at a party, enjoying life. Why am I not there? Because I allowed other things in my life to control me. Now that I'm willing to take that control back... it's too late. This is very typical of me. My pre-cognitive abilities tell me how this is going to end, too. People are going to get tired of it and I'll be alone again. Wow... I'm really miserable tonite.

There is so much going on in my head I feel like it's going to burst. There's so much I want to say but I fear the consequences of saying anything. I know what I want out of life. I know what I need out of life. None of it is in my grasp though. I've fucked up so many things, it seems, that now I don't know which end is up. I find myself entertaining thoughts I haven't thought in years. I find myself entertaining the idea that I would be better off without this world and vice versa. This has scared the ever-living fuck out of me since I haven't had thoughts like that in ... 11 years.

I try to give my best, but it's not enough. Never is. I don't feel like I make a difference. Life keeps marching forward and yet everyone around me is still feeling like they're standing still. GOD I am SO scared, alone and depressed right now and at the moment... I see no end in sight.

It's also a lack of inspiration. Hmmmm... hold up a moment. Inspiration. Argh... but those people and things in my life that inspire me are the very people and things in my life that are making me crazy, too. I don't know what to say anymore and to be honest it doesn't matter anyway. I don't think anyone's reading out there ... based on the lack of interaction in my journal. So why bother with this bullshit anymore anyway?

Yay... looks like I get to be jaded again. Guess I should put the dustcover on the keyboard. Later.

Random Babblings

So maybe I really am having a mid-life crisis. I just looked up the definition in Wikipedia and it was rather alarming:

A mid-life crisis is an emotional state of doubt and anxiety in which a person becomes uncomfortable with the realization that life is halfway over. It commonly involves reflection on what the individual has done with his life up to that point, often with feelings that not enough was accomplished. The individual may feel boredom with their lives, jobs, or their partners, and may feel a strong desire to make changes in these areas. The condition is also called the beginning individuation, a process of self-actualization that continues on to death. The condition is most common in people in their 30s and 40s, and affects men more often than women.

That's pretty much where I'm at. I used to have my future laid out and planned. Funny thing is I apparently didn't plan far enough ahead. I often feel very uncertain about life and the various things involved in it. I find myself worrying about what consequences my actions will take more often now than not. In fact, I spend so much time figuring it all out in my head that by the time I'm done, whatever I was working on has already sorted itself out.

Yesterday was a fitful day. I woke up to my hand cramping up and tingling up to my elbow. Classic case of carpal tunnel syndrome. Whee. So I called in to work and told them I couldn't work that day. It was not the happiest of conversations. Shortly before that phone call, the power went out in the house. So even if I *could* type on the keyboard, I couldn't use the computer from home either so they were pretty much stuck without me. The power came back on eventually, but by that time my mood was already headed into the abyss.

The rest of the day involved issues I've chosen to not talk about here but they affected my thought processes all day. I allowed different events and conversations take me to a place where I eventually just became angry and very solitary, feeling abandoned and just generally shitty. To be honest, those situations have yet to be resolved either and I'm still letting it affect me. It's hard not to. Argh... it drives me nuts.

I did, however, discover that high emotions helps me focus on what I really want. Since my day was going so crappy I decided to spin a little. I was doing damn good too, if I do say so myself. I was focused and really getting into it. I just hope I don't always have to be pissed off to do it. HA!

Not much else to report at the moment... I think I might spin a little more tonight after Rob leaves for work. Which is pretty soon so I'm gonna close this and get busy. Later taters.

Mad as all Hell

I'm mother fucking irritated. I've almost sent a message to Twink twice now to tell her just how irritated I am... but I've thought the better of it knowing that it would come out all fucked up if I sent something out now. So instead, I'll just write this private entry to vent and then maybe later when my head cools off I can talk to her.

I got a call from Josh earlier today asking if I wanted to go to see NiN tonight. He'd been planning going for some time now and had bought tickets for several people. Apparently he had a spare one. When I asked him where it came from he said that David and Katie had been figthing and that she was not being very nice to David (must have been earlier that day). Josh didn't want to deal with this and so he decided that he was going to tell David that he could go but she could not. Josh was offering me her ticket. At first, I thought sure, why not, I'll go. Throughout the day, though, I thought that maybe I shouldn't since he did buy that ticket for someone else. I said fine. I didn't want to get in the middle of it. Josh also specifically told me not to tell Twink about it at all and that he would tell her. Later Josh mentioned that he had some ibuprophen I could have (my left hand has been bothering me all day with what I believe is the start of carpal tunnel syndrome).

So I had decided that what I would do is go over to their house, pick up the pills and bow out gracefully. Before I left I called Josh. He said he was off getting some fruit but that the pills were at the house and I could just go and get them. When I got closer, I called the house to let Twink know I was close by. There was no answer. So I figured she was either spinning or getting Taylor or something. It was only 6 PM... didn't think they'd be leaving this soon. To be honest, I didn't know what time the concert was supposed to start or how to get to where we were supposed to be going. So I pulled up to the local quickie mart to get a drink and called Twink's cell. Asked her if she was home and she said they had just left for the concert.

I was thinking... what the fuck? She didn't mention anything about knowing that I was supposed to go too. She acted as if she knew nothing about it so I have to assume she didn't. I still didn't tell her about Josh's offer. I told her to have a good time and she said, "Oh we will." I sent Josh a text message after that saying, "Have a good time. Thanks for the offer but I guess I shouldn't go anyway." He called me and told me to "feel better" and that I should let him know if the pills work. I said I would, hung up, got the pills and started home.

The more I thought about, the more it bugged me. So I sent another text to Josh saying, "So I guess you're taking David and Katie after all?" He replied, "We'll see what happens." I replied, "I feel fine. I just didn't feel right taking a ticket you bought for someone else." He replied, "So what I bought em." I replied again with, "I figured that you had changed your mind since you never called me about it and you left before I even got there." No reply.

He makes the offer, tells me he'll call later about it. Yet he didn't call me about it. He called about the pills... but nothing about the concert. I didn't know when I was supposed to meet them, IF I was supposed to meet them, WHERE I was supposed to meet them. But I drive all the way the fuck out there to see that they'd left without telling me shit.

The worst part about it is... Twink doesn't know anything about any of this... as far as I know. If I tell her, I'm technically betraying Josh's trust. So, I guess I'll just have to wait until I see Josh again to hash this shit out. Whee. Dunno when that will be. It gives me a headache.

Bad Ass Weekend!

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced with something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another which states that this has already happened.
--The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

Last night was the bomb! Actually, most of yesterday was awesome, to be honest. It didn't start out so good with Taylor's dad waiting until the very last minute to pick her up... while Twink and I waited patiently for him to arrive. But I can accept that shit happens to people and they get delayed... it does seem to happen to him a lot, tho.

But after that, Twink and I went shopping! What for.... clothes? Nah. Shoes... feh. Beads and other interesting trinkets? Nope. We went record shoppin.' :) I realized that I still had $150 of birthday money that I hadn't spent yet and wanted to spend it on getting us new music. So we went shoppin' for music! :D Found some great records too... one that have simply inspired me to write more of my own and remix the stuff I like. Rabbit texted me at one point and told me that he had mixed in my remix of Carry On My Wayward Son into a set and that it worked great. :) He has no idea how happy that made me. :) It's encouraged me to keep going and to press forward. I spent so much time listening to people tell me how hard it is to get into the music business, etc. I don't think it's that hard, now, to be honest.

I've found people that I care about and that care about me. And we all love the music. Sure, I could take my stuff to a label and start shopping my stuff around... but I think the best way is really to just do it for the love of doing it and let others hear it. Let them decide. Let the music speak for itself and the rest of it will all fall into place.

We finished the night out listening to music. We started spinning with each other... she'd drop a record and then I would... back and forth. We're not very good at it yet (she's better than I, right now, though) but the love of doing it is something shared and it just turns me on like nothin' else will! Wheeeeeee!! Eventually, we got to the point where all we were doing was playing them rather than mixing them... but that was just fine with us by then. :)

Today, we're facing a hurricane (another one) this one shouldn't be as bad but I want to make sure my friends are kept safe. So I've invited Rabbit, Heather, V, Twink, her kids, and Josh to come over and ride out the storm at our house since their homes are not as safe. My family has grown by leaps and bounds and I plan to protect it as much as I am able.

Rabbit and I will finish up that track tonite, I'm sure, and maybe I'll get him to help me on some new stuff. :) I think I got Twink interested in trying her hand at a little production work too... but I think she's scared to try. I know she's got a beautiful song in there somewhere just dying to break free... just gotta get her to where she can use the tools to express it. :) Hell yeah!

Anyway, all in all... a stellar weekend... even in the threat of a hurricane. :) Not going to let it dampen my spirits or harm those I care about. More later. :)

I am a Mess

I think I may be losing my mind. Went to the movies tonight... saw DOOM with Rob, G and Richard. Afterwards, I thought Twink and I were going to hang out, chill, do something. She yawned a couple of times and made it clear that she was "in for the night." I also got the impression that she didn't really want to hang out. In fact, I've been getting that impression from most of my friends lately. I guess sometimes I am too needy, too smothering... I dunno. I just like hangin' out with my friends a lot, I guess.

I feel alone a lot, I guess. Alone in the world and that no one out there ... REALLY gets me completely. Maybe that's how everybody feels. Maybe we all "settle" in relationships whether they're intimate or not. The diversity is charming and interesting but there's a longing, a need to find someone I really connect with... someone I totally get and they totally get me. I suppose I may never find that person.

Sometimes I get the crazy notion that before... back earlier in getting to know Twink, she was testing me. She was asking the questions and pushing the buttons to see what I was about and maybe see if I got her. That night at her house doing acid and whippits while watching movies really threw me for a loop. I've never written about it and I'm thinking now that I want to.

At one point, during Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (which I don't even remember watching the movie at all, to be honest) I had what I can only describe as an Adam and Eve moment. My brain went through images that all related to sex, orgasm, conception, child birth, growing up, learning the facts of life, commonalities between all people, and all of a sudden I looked over at Twink and thought, "I *KNOW* HER" from somewhere, somewhen else. That I've known her for all time. That everyone has an adam or an eve that complements them and that they spend their lives searching for the one... and that you just KNOW they're the person ... from balls to bones.

And then I started reflecting on this and thought... what have I done? I spent my life searching for happiness and thought I had found it only to figure out that I was wrong? I began to wonder if maybe there was something I was supposed to do early in life that I fucked up. Something that took me down a path that lead away from where I was supposed to be going. I began to wonder if maybe all the pain in her life was because I had messed up. That, if she and I were meant to be together as this experience was telling me... the fact that we weren't and that I became so selfishly absorbed personal exploration that I usurped all the good things that were supposed to happen to her.

I even began thinking my transition was a big mistake. That if I had just held on a little while longer, I might have met her at a different point in life and could have had more to offer her more than just my friendship. I can't stop this feeling now matter how hard I have tried. I fight it on a daily basis and have been ever since that night at Heather's. It's a constant craving that will not be sated by anything else. Little things like her smile, the sparkle in her eyes when she gets excited about something, her energy, her passion and committment to her children, her determination when faced with a challenge or a threat, the very shape of her face, it all speaks volumes to me and all I can do is stare and marvel at the beauty, complexity and wonder of it all. I know how Soliari felt when reading Mozart's work and stood "staring through the cage of those meticulous pen strokes at an absolute beauty." The cage I see before me, though, is all made up of the actions I have taken to get here to where I am today.

I'll never understand this life. Not in all of the time I will spend on this Earth will I ever be able to put two and two together and come up with four. I've found the one that completes me... and know I'll never be completed.

I vow, that in my next life, I will find her and I will not fall into the same trap I have in this one. I am questioning my beliefs and my the ideals I've held for my entire life and finding that they don't hold as much weight with me any more. Because they were never really mine in the first place.

I hesitate to say it... but I think maybe she and I were meant to be soulmates. I feel at peace, calm and free with her. We seem to be able to turn each others' chaos into order for the most part. I'll have to finish this later. Too much on my mind and too tired.

Addicted

It's frustrating at times, sure... but it *IS* a lot of fun too... :) Since I bought the set of the tables, I've had a couple of opportunities to spin here at the house and once at Twink's the other night. And yeah... I'm hooked. :) I've been spending the better part of the night spinning, looking up records in BearShare and on Ebay.

I've figured out the mechanics of it. That's not to say I can beat-match perfectly every time, of course. I just know how it's *supposed* to work. I can usually get a couple of records to match up eventually. Now I just need to learn my catalog (and expand my catalog) so that I can figure out where things work together and where they don't. I'm thinking about taking them all and burning them to CD to listen to in the car and at work. Maybe that way I can get the music ingrained in my head and really *know* my catalog.

Blah... been up WAY too many hours the past three days... going to bed.

The Morning After...

urg... I was tired already yesterday... kept falling asleep at work. And what do I do? I let Twink talk me into going over to her house to mix records and drink. Wheee! It was a LOT of fun and I take full responsibility for my part in it (after all, I supplied the alcohol) ... but damn.. now I'm really tired. I got a box of donuts and three bookoos to get me through the day. I'm sure my heart is planning a revolt soon. Gonna need to tear up a dance floor to get rid of all this sugar tho. *ramble, ramble, grumble, grumble* ... anyway.. Yes... it was fun and yes... we'll probably do it again before the week is out... and yes... I'll bitch about the morning after again. I was going to write something clever next and my brain just wouldn't cooperate. This is a sign. More coherent thoughts later...

The Weekend

So Saturday, Stacy and I decided to just wander around Sarasota for a while to see what we could find. It ended up being an eventful day. Started out getting a bite to eat and then headed out to the Sarasota Square Mall. It was weird walking through a mall at 1:00 in the afternoon on a Saturday and seeing no kids about. Heck, there was hardly anyone there at all. Given what I had been seeing this weekend, I was wondering how any business could stay open with no one going out and doing anything.

Anyway, we checked out this cute Oriental clothing store and the lady there convinced me to try on a pair of jeans. I liked them and since they were 20% off that day... I bought them. Typical me. Next was Toyopia. Wow... what a great toy store! They had a ton of fun stuff! There was one thing I would have bought from them but fate would not allow. I was walking around the store and saw this girl and her dad looking at this adorable HUGE Ty teddy bear. It was pastel rainbow colored and was as soft as could be. They put the bear back and after they did I snatched him up and asked how much he was. He was just under $50. It was worth it, in my opinion. I was about to buy him when the girl came back and looked a little depressed that I had him. She was maybe 14 or 15 I'd say. So I said, "Ya know, I saw you were looking at this bear and if you want him you can have him... but if you don't I'm going to buy him." She asked me how much he was and I told her. She went and talked to her dad who came over and asked how depressed it would make me if they bought the bear. I told him that she saw it first and it was all good. Then I found out it was her birthday and it was a no-brainer. I said, "Well in that case, absolutely and Happy Birthday!" She was nice enough to pose for a picture with me and the bear too and I gave her my "Smile!" bracelet. I'm sure she'll give him a good home. Hope so because I really wanted him too!

After that, we hit Hot Topic and I found a tank and two t-shirts I liked. The rest of the mall was pretty blah so we decided we wanted to go up to Sam Ash... a dangerous place for me to be... but I wanted Stacy to see my dream machine. Hehe. On the way up there, I spotted a Joanne's and so we stopped there first. They didn't have and beads I was interested in but they did have a couple of new-sew pillow projects I liked and an easy-sew quilt. I picked those up and some rainbow butterfly appliques to iron on a pair of jeans I have.

On to Sam Ash. They didn't have my dream machine (the Fantom X8) out, which is a good thing, but they had the X6 out. I started playing Children and the salesman walked up and said, "Is that Robert Miles?" I was like, "Yup!" We started talking about how Sarasota used to be and he told me where the kids were partying in Sarasota now. I don't ever remember where he said... but at least I know where to ask! They also pointed us in the direction of the only Vinyl shop left in town... a place called Ground Xero... but on the outside it's called Headz Up Smoke Shop. So off we went there.

I found some old trance records there I liked and the Agent K & Deuce version of F-F-U-F-U-N-K which I bought for Rabbit. He was excited when I played it for him yesterday and told him it was for him. :) After listening to some records there we headed back to Stacy's where we sat and played records, talked about old times and ate pizza until our eye-lids became too heavy. The next day was the long trip back home.

I'm glad that Stacy and I got our friendship issues hammered out. It was really bothering me. It had apparently been something that was on her mind for several months now and I didn't know anything about it. I told her not to let that happen again and that if there was something between us to tell me about it because I can be very clueless at times. All the bleaching of the hair has soaked into the brain, I think (among other chemicals).

Yesterday, Rabbit and I worked on our remix track for a good 6 hours. It was frustrating at first because the track just wasn't saying anything to either of us at all. But with time and patience, we finally figured out where we wanted to go with it and it just took off from there. We're almost done with it too! Can't wait!

So all in all it was a good weekend. A couple other friends didn't fare as well as me though and that has me troubled right now. Twink and V both had bad luck this weekend. I wish they could have come and hung out with Stacy and I. * sigh * We'll make up for it next weekend... I guarantee it. :)

Anyway, that's last weekend. Of course, I have to be at work in a few hours (BLAH) but it was great to get away and chill out with my big sister for a while. No pictures (of course and as usual... I'm such a dumbass) but hopefully some next time.

Reconnecting with old friends

The drive here was very nice actually. There was traffic but it wasn't heavy and it kept moving so I made it here in good time. As soon as I got here, we went to TGI Fridays for lunch. After that we went to Michael's and then up to Sarasota to find a Vinyl shop. I had the chance to talk to Stacy about my "new to her" friends and what we enjoy and some of my extra curricular activities. She was very cool about it, said that she'd love to meet them with the understanding that she's not into anything extra curricular and not to pressure her about it. I told her that would never be a problem.

Sarasota has really changed a lot since I was here. After walking around and seeing all these restaurants and consignment shops where beatnik coffee shops, records stores and head shops used to be... I spoke out loud what was in my heart which was "Oh Sarasota, what happened to your bohemian heart?" It's sad really. It's turned into nothing but money. *sigh* I'm glad I'm in Orlando now and I pray this doesn't happen there. It was very depressing.

Finally found a place that sells Vinyl but none of it was categorized and it was all OLD OLD stuff. But I got some cool records out of it and stuff that I never expected to see in Vinyl again, ever. Might go back tomorrow. We found another music store but all they had were CDs. They did have some used CDs that I had been looking for so I bought those.

After that... dinner at Ho Ho's! Hell yeah! It's a Chinese restaurant in my old stomping grounds in Sarasota that makes THE BEST sesame chicken. Rather than making it the same as General Tso's and just adding sesame seeds, they do it right with a whit gravy that is to DIE for. Oh how I've missed it! I ate the whole thing. :)

Now we're back at her house and just chilling out. Dunno what's going on tomorrow but I'm sure will figure it all out. It's just been good to see her and hang out. More later.

Whew!!

Well, I just spent the last three hours backdating my journal with as much crap as I could find on my computer. Stuff that I had written in MySpace and stuff I had written on my old web site. The stuff from my old web site (even though it was public information then) is now semi-private. The more I get to know you, the more I'll let you get to know me. That's the deal. :)

Editors Note: I've since changed a lot of my private posts to public. They used to be friends only posts or private posts and the fact of the matter is, that creates a VIP section where I can spew about these people and then those people don't know and ... bleh. Fuck it. Here's my dirt... it's no filthier than anyone else's and maybe you might read and realize what to do or not to do in your own life. 'Nuff said.

There are a lot of gaps tho. There were times in my life when I just wasn't writing. It's not that there wasn't anything going on... I just ... didn't write for some reason. I might, as time goes on, reminisce and post some memories about times past. Who knows?

It was actually rather cathartic going through all these old posts, re-reading them and remembering what life was like then. I find it interesting when my inner strength shows up and when it fails me. I think different situations and feelings toward people and about people color how quickly these reactions take place and in what form. I read some of my old entries and think, God... what a mess I was. Then there are others where, after re-reading them, I am surprised to hear me chiding myself saying, "See? You had things figured out pretty well back then. What the fuck's wrong that you can't see straight now?"

If I find other goodies, I'll throw them up here. I'm gettin' to like this place. I think I'll stay. Guess I should upgrade my account to a paid one (shaddap Twink and stop grinning). Anyway, I'm off to get a couple more hours sleep before my long trip to North Port.

-+- PLUR -+-

Feeling a little better

I had a chat with Twink tonite. Of course, we have chats quite often... almost every night. Sometimes I think I might maybe I bug her too much. Can't help it. Oh well. Anyway, life is better and that's all that matters. I still have that "marionette" feeling about other areas in my life, but I'll regain control by snipping one string at a time until I'm free again.

I have someone I need to talk to soon. It's not going to be a fun conversation or an easy one but I have to do it. Maybe she will surprise me and listen and hear how I feel. Maybe there's something bothering her about me that she hasn't had the guts to say. I don't know, really. All I know is that I'm tired of being at odds with people that I care about. If it's not one, it's another. It seems to jump from one person to another. The crazy thing, of course, is the way I think about things and get my head all screwed up. From a purely analytical standpoint, one would examine all test cases and determine what the commonalities are. What agent is present in all test cases that may be affecting the outcomes? Of course, in any case where I have had a conflict with someone, the only commonality is that I've been present in each one. So, logically I would be the cause of the problem. Well that doesn't help much though, now does it? There's only one way to solve that and that's not an option. So much for analytical thinking.

It's not easy to look at one's self and ask the burning questions. Did I handle my life appropriately? Have I made mistakes that I will be paying for throughout my life? Am I headed in the right direction? Will this course of action really take me to where I want to be or where I see others are that I want to be like but are not necessarily me? Argh. It gives me a headache.

I've been focusing on my purpose in life a lot, lately... and on what role I play to others, what role they play in my life... how my choices have brought me to where I am and where my next choices will take me. It's funny that I am starting to become even more independent and sure-footed now, tho, than I've been for my entire life so far. So many people make that happen early in life. I guess I had so much on my mind when I was younger that I couldn't focus on what life was really about, how to live it and live with other people in it. I've missed out on so much and sometimes just feel... left behind, trying to catch up.

I sometimes wonder if any of it will ever make sense. Maybe death is the ultimate orgasm. Maybe when we have an orgasm (the release of all the dopamine and serotonin and whatnot), it puts us into that realm where we eventually get to when we die... but without the need for a drug, physical gratification or the requirement of returning to the imprisonment of the physical body. I like to think that. It's gives me comfort, actually. But the truth is, I don't know.

Well, I'm rambling. I'll write more when I return from North Port. I'll take the camera (even though I never take any damned pictures whenever I have a camera with me).

Ready for Vacation

I am so ready for this little vacation now. Last night was kinda fucked up. Well, it was more than kinda fucked up but I won't go into details here. I've already posted my rantings in a private post that maybe someday I'll unlock... but until then, I need to sort shit out before I say anything. I've had a few too many experiences lately where my reactions were found to be overreactions in the fullness of time. So, I'm keeping my inner dialog to myself until I work some shit out.

I was very bothered. Irritated, angry, upset, hurt. Lots of things. Didn't realize the extent of it until I went to bed. Didn't get any sleep last night. Had very fitful and fucked up dreams. Kept waking up every 45 minutes or so. It was one of those continuing dreams where each time I fell asleep it just continued on from where it left off. Although I don't remember the whole thing... I remember enough to know it was like some whacked-out science-fiction version of Spun with me and my friends (and someone I don't know) playing the roles. So, now I'm way over-tired here at work and hoping just to get through the day. I'm going to have to call Stacy and tell her I'll not be leaving until tomorrow since I didn't get any packing done or anything and I don't want to drive to somewhere I've never been in the middle of the night. I'll leave at first light tomorrow.

It will be good to see Stacy again. Hopefully she can help me sort out some of this shit in my head. She's always been my big sister and I need her advice. It's too bad it will only be for a couple of days.

I learned how to play "Children" and "Fable" on the piano yesterday. I find that working out the songs of those who influence me helps me to better express my own feelings through my own songs. Sure would like to get some good solid time on the music workstation soon. But that will be a while, I guess. Still hoping to get CDs burned and some Vinyl pressed before the WMC next year. Time is short though. Gotta get crackin'.

Anyway, just posting some thoughts and feelings as usual. Nothing major to report until I figure out the scrambled eggs in my head. More later.

What Now?

Last night was all manner of fucked up. It didn't start out that way, though. Twink sent me a text message asking if I was driving. She thought I was headed to North Port last night. Eventually I got it through to her that I was wasn't leaving until tonite. She and Josh had had a fight of sorts and was going to to play pool. I offered to go with her and we decided to go to Trick Shots near my house. She called back a little bit after that and asked me to get in touch with V and have her come too. No problem. I couldn't get in touch with her though... but as luck would have it, as I was getting ready to leave, she was at my door.

So we all meet up there, get a table and some drinks and start to play. Throughout the night, the only two people playing end up being Twink and I. V chose not to play at all. And when Twink wasn't shooting, she was talking with V, feeding the jukebox, getting drinks or something. I was acknowledged some of the time... usually when it was my turn or if I had "not left her a good shot" or something like that. I felt like a computer opponent, to be honest.

It's not like they didn't try to work me in the conversation, though. I got worked in there several times. Both V and Twink started talking about my business and my man's business. All V ever seems to talk about is sex, boys, penis sizes, etc. etc. I felt like a conversation piece... again. Yeah, this isn't the first time. Maybe not always the same conversation or subtopic, but I'm quite often the focus.

I was doing really well too. I was handling things with grace and maturity. Doesn't mean it didn't hurt. But eventually I got tired. There was a point when V, who at the time was talking about Kowboi, said "tell me you wouldn't hit that if there was a way for no one to know" and had lilted her head toward Twink. I didn't know she was talking about Kowboi and thought she was talking about Twink. I told her no, I couldn't because I care about her too much. I could if there were feelings between us. She then proceeded to lecture me again on who I am, things I can and can not do, things I'm just not able to do, etc. I can't stand it when people make assumptions about who I am, what I'm capable of and what's in my heart and head. I fuckin' live in my heart and head... I should know, dammit.

It was a fucked up night. I went out to be a friend to someone who was in a bad mood and needed to get away and ended up ... in a bad mood and needing to get away. WTF? As we were leaving I realized I was walking quickly to the car but really couldn't stop myself. Just wanted to leave. Almost didn't get hugs before we left. I was angry and close to losing it but still maintaining some composure. V rode with me so I had to get her back to my house where her van was at. The only thing she was worried about was the money I spent that night. The money. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT MONEY! Money is bullshit! It gets us some of the things we need and some of the things we want... but nothing that really *really* matters in the end. If I have friends, I don't care if I'm living in a trailer, a teepee, a mansion, or what the fuck ever. Friends that care about me, my feelings, my life, my interests, my hopes and dreams. Because I care about theirs. *sigh* I'll be dealing with this for a while, I know. It's a good thing I'll be out of Orlando for a few days. Maybe Stacy can help me put my head in order.

Looks like I'm goin' to North Port for the Weekend

So, I talked to my boss and he gave me Friday off. Yay! Tried to get in touch with Stacy to let her know but her phone is still in perma-voice-mail mode, I guess. Anyway, I'll get a message to her somehow. Planning to leave tomorrow night after work and stay with her until Sunday morning. Talked to Rob about it and he's okay with it. He can be pretty understanding sometimes. :) It will be good to see her again and we can finally hash out this business of her feeling like she's second fiddle to chopped liver or something.

When I get home Sunday, Rabbit and Heather are coming over so that he and I can work on that blasted track ... I swear it's like trying to breathe life into a slice of burnt toast. We had a working idea going but I'm not so sure about it right now. It just doesn't get me moving. If it doesn't get me moving, there's no point, IMO.

Been looking at new keyboards now. Blah... I can't stop. Just bought tables and a mixer... now I want to replace my keyboard. The Roland Fantom X8 is just so beautiful, tho. *sigh*. If I could get a decent amount for my keyboard I'd sell it. But it's only worth maybe $350 now. It's old tech. It can still drive external samplers and synthesizers via MIDI, of course... but it just doesn't have the features, it's not supported by Ensoniq anymore, etc. Blah. Can't afford a new keyboard for 3 grand.

Anyway, that's the news for now. More updates as I get bored and think about things I want/need to write about.

This makes perfect sense, actually. Explains a lot.

You are the Fool card. The Fool fearlessly begins
the journey into the unknown. To do this, he
does not regard the world he knows as firm and
fixed. He has a seemingly reckless disregard
for obstacles. In the Ryder-Waite deck, he is
seen stepping off a cliff with his gaze on the
sky, and a rainbow is there to catch him. In
order to explore and expand, one must disregard
convention and conformity. Those in the throes
of convention look at the unconventional,
non-conformist personality and think What a
fool. They lack the point of view to understand
The Fool's actions. But The Fool has roots in
tradition as one who is closest to the spirit
world. In many tribal cultures, those born with
strange and unusual character traits were held
in awe. Shamans were people who could see
visions and go on journeys that we now label
hallucinations and schizophrenia. Those with
physical differences had experience and
knowledge that the average person could not
understand. The Fool is God. The number of the
card is zero, which when drawn is a perfect
circle. This circle represents both emptiness
and infinity. The Fool is not shackled by
mountains and valleys or by his physical body.
He does not accept the appearance of cliff and
air as being distinct or real. Image from: Mary
DeLave http://www.marydelave.com/


Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm a Jackass

Well, I finally got in touch with Stacy. After I wrote my last entry I called again. She was still asleep. I asked one of her housemates to ask her to call me back which she did. Apparently she's felt (for quite some time now) that I've treated her like a dirty little secret. Like I didn't want anyone else to know I associate with her or something like that. I won't go into the reasons why because that's not what's important. What's important is that she felt that way and has felt that way for a while.

I told her that I had always interpreted her behavior in the past as being someone who didn't really care for going out and being overly social. I told her that I had never intended to alienate her, hurt her or make her feel unwelcome in ANY way. It makes me so sad that she's been carrying this burden for so long. If I had known she was feeling this way, I could have dispelled it a LONG time ago. It hurts but I'm glad we had the chance to talk.

Of course, now she can't come here because she started working on her car and has made something that sorta worked into something that doesn't work. Something to do with the battery. Don't ask me to explain it, I don't understand cars at all. I know enough about how to put gas in them, check the tires and the oil and that's about it. Beyond that, I'm clueless. She's the brains there. So I'm trying to work out going to see her this weekend. I'll have to let Steven know that I'm going to be out of town since I think he was planning to come by. Just sent him a text message about it. Hopefully he'll get back to me about it soon. I was also supposed to work with Rabbit on a track this weekend but I feel this is more important. There are few things that I hold up higher than music... but friendship is definitely one of them. I might be able to get some time off on Friday, leave Thursday night... spend Friday and Saturday with Stacy, return on Sunday morning and work with Rabbit that whole day. That would work. I hope Rob understands... it's his last weekend before he starts working at GCS again and won't have any weekends. Argh... this could get touchy.

At any rate, at least we're communicating again. This is a good thing. Hopefully more good things will come from it, too. We shall see. Stay tuned.

Still no word from Stacy

I guess I should explain the whole story...

Stacy is someone I've known since about 1994-95, I guess. She and I were introduced by a mutual friend at church and became fast friends ourselves. Eventually, we became roommates as well. We had our ups and downs together, but we were two peas in a pod and it was obvious to anyone who saw us together. This was back when I lived in Sarasota.

Stacy fell into hard times at one point. Her job was all the way down in Venice and she had no car. My job was literally 5 minutes away by car. So I let her use my car to drive back and forth to work and I took the bus to work. This should give you an idea of how much her friendship meant (and still means) to me. I also let her use the car to see her girlfriend in Tampa on some weekends. I was enabling her, but to me it felt like loving her. One day, she got into an accident with the car. Given the age of the car and the damage done, it was almost a total loss. But I couldn't be without one, didn't want to trust another used car and couldn't afford a new one. So I ended up taking out a loan to get the car fixed. Couldn't even get the paint job the same. The car was silver and gray originally... now it was silver and gray with a gold hood and left fender.

I was seeing a shrink at the time. After tell her all this, she got... irritated with me and began to show me how I was enabling Stacy. That Stacy was not growing, not doing anything for herself because I was doing so much for her. My shrink felt this was the perfect time for me to change the relationship and help Stacy regain her self-reliance. I needed to tell Stacy that she had to find a place to live closer to work because without a car there was no way for her to get around. It initially put a strain on the relationship between us.

Time and distance changes relationships. My boss in Sarasota decided to be a dick and let me go for prejudiced reasons. I spent about three months looking for a job. Found a couple that changed their minds AFTER hiring me for the same prejudice. Then I talked with Bill Marshall of GCS. He took me in right away, tripled my exit salary at ASI within 2 months and treated me like people should be treated.

Within a few months, Bill decided he needed me to move to Orlando where the company was. I agreed, but that meant leaving all my Sarasota friends and starting over in a new town. As time went on, Stacy and I spoke less and less simply because of life's business. It's hard to stay in touch with people sometimes when you can't just drive over to see them. However we did still keep in touch and eventually she got herself a car and started to get her life back in order. We started see more of each other whenever she could get time off work and come to Orlando.

Recently, Stacy mentioned that she wanted to come and see me again. She has vacation time all this week. Her plan was to come last weekend and stay until this weekend. I was excited about getting to see her and hang out with her again. At the same time, there was a plan here in Orlando with my Orlando friends to go to a party at Mindchime's that first weekend. I told Stacy I had plans for that weekend and she said that was cool.

This plan changed, of course (as they do), when Mindchime never returned calls about the party. So, instead we all decided to hang out here at my house that Saturday night. Stacy called mid-week and said she couldn't make it because of financial reasons. I said I understood, but I didn't like it. I called her Saturday and asked how much she would need in order to come stay here with me and not affect her budget. She said, $30 to $40 dollars. I thought, that's ridiculous. Come and stay with me, I'll front you what you need. She agreed and said she would leave Sunday morning since she doesn't like driving at night and usually gets tired early in the evening anyway. I said great! Problem solved! Yay!

So later Saturday, she calls me back saying "who am I kidding?" She says her bags are all packed and knowing she's going to get to see me she won't be able to sleep anyway and that she was getting ready to leave right then. I told her that maybe she should stick to the plan because I was going to have a house-full of people she didn't know that night. I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable or walking into a situation where she would have to deal with a party going on while she tried to get some sleep. She said she understood and that it was all cool.

Sunday rolls around. At 12:30 I started getting nervous since she said she would be here at noon. I called her cell. No answer. At 1:15 I started getting more nervous and called again. Again, no answer. I then called her house phone and the people she lives with said she wasn't at home and didn't think she was coming because she unpacked all her bags the night before. I was like... WTF? So I tried calling her again that night with no answer. Sent her an e-mail too.

After not hearing anything still, on Monday I called her cell again, left another message. Caller her house phone and left a message with them. E-mailed who I think is her mom asking what's going on. I still haven't heard. I don't know if she's mad at me or if there's something seriously wrong. It's not normal for her to completely ignore me like this and it has me very worried about her.

I may take a drive to North Port where she lives this weekend to see what's going on myself. This really upsets me. I hope she's alright.

Credit Confusion and Other Stuff

Alright,

So last Saturday, I decided to go out to try to find a particular loop CD for my music workstation. I wanted the Trance NRG CD. Since I knew that Sam Ash carries all of maybe 3 CDs at a time, I thought I would try Guitar Center. Rob decided to join me and we went all the way down to the one on south OBT. They didn't have it. But they had some others that I was interested in, so I bought them instead. I hate walking away from a shopping trip empty handed.

While we were there, I started looking at some tables. They had some nice 1200MK5 tables there for $469/each. They were also offering their Guitar Center credit card at no interest for 15 months. I thought... well hell, why not? So I called Twink and asked if she wanted to join us. I wanted her help in picking out tables and making sure I had everything I needed. She said sure. We decided to have lunch first, though.

Anyway, we go back to Guitar Center and I fill out the form. They went away for a bit and came back and said I was denied the credit. I was shocked! So, they decided to run it again. Same thing. Well, I didn't want to put that much money on another card so we decided to shop around some more. Eventually I found a pair of better tables for less. Yay!

The whole credit thing has been bugging me tho, so this morning I checked my bills. Everything's paid up so far, no delinquencies, no late payments, etc. I then ordered my 3 bureau credit report to see what it had to say. It still shows two old cards from 2000 and 2001 that had some late payments on them, but my scores were still 675, 685 and 675. In fact, Amex even raised my limit *AGAIN* without telling me. So what the heck was GC thinking?

All I can think of is that maybe it was a cosmically good thing. I got nicer tables for less money and I don't have another revolving credit account. But it still confuses me.

I still haven't heard from Stacy. It's beginning to worry me. It's not like her to simply not call when she knows she's expected. I left a message for her at her house and also sent an e-mail to who I think is her mom (all I had was a forwarded e-mail address so I hope it's right) asking what's going on. I really hope that girl's alright.

Looks like Rob has a job back where he used to work. He interviewed with Nick yesterday and really impressed him. I learned some other things about Nick that make me feel a little better about him now too. Maybe things are going to start getting better now. I hope so, they've been screwed up for a good lon while now. Anyway, more later. Off to work soon.

Lobotomize Me

Okay, not sure what all I'm actually going to say here so this will be just as much of a surprise to me as anyone else. I'm officially in purgatory, I'm fairly certain of that. I'm not unhappy... but I'm not happy either. I have no clue what has happened here other than perhaps, being a Libra I've managed to finally strike a balance. If this is balanced, tho... then someone please tip my scales because it's fucking with my head.

Things make sense in one light and are completely daft in another. Life seems grand when viewed one way... and totally pooch-screwed when viewed another way. Up is down and black is white and yet nothing has changed.

I know I'm not giving y'all anything concrete to slam your heads into... I know this. I can't decide if I'm being too scared (that life will change too much) or too brave (by shouldering this shit myself) by not provide hard details. I have already provided these details to some. On one hand, some say that nothing will change if I do not change it myself while others say that life will work itself out given time and patience. I think this is how I managed to end up in purgatory... this is how I ended up too well balanced.

Do I blame, accuse or in any other way condemn anyone that has tried to help me sort out my head? Not at all. Not in the slightest. I am grateful and thankful for friendships so deep that I can talk about shit that bothers me with them and not be tuned out. So those of you who have been providing said opinions... don't stop... keep me on my toes, please!

I guess maybe I really don't understand myself well. I am fully capable of establishing goals, making milestones and making forward progress in all this little shit of life that, by the end of it, will all amount to nothing at all. But when it comes to things that should really really matter... I'm as lost as a drugged up rat in a maze.

I know I'm not going to get anywhere with this post, so there's not much point in continuing it. If you've read this far, congratulations and thanks for at least making the journey to nowhere with me. I'll figure myself out eventually. Until then, at least it's a pretty carousel I'm on.

A little bit off balance

Okay, so I feel pretty spent right now. Last week had it's big ups and it big downs... with other things like breathing, eating, sleeping, etc. in between. I've been trying to put everything in perspective but I'm not sure what to compare it to, really. I've felt like my life has been a little bit off balance lately but... what do I have to compare that to, exactly?

Well, there's my parents. They've lived happily for 50+ years. They say they too have had their ups and downs but they never tell me the real contents of their ups and downs... just a general overall description where one whole day is summed up in about 2 minutes. I wonder sometimes if they ever really fought... said nasty things to each other... etc. From the way they tell it... life sucked but they had each other. Well, was it ALWAYS like that? And if so... wtf have I been doing wrong?

Then there's my friends. Some single, some not. Each with their own model of relationship dynamics. Some are like romantic comedies, some are like soap operas, porno movies, action/adventure flicks. You get the picture. Why has mine felt like an old Vincent Price film? The acting teeters between wonderful and melodramatic, the sets are sometimes cheesy and sometimes breathtaking, the effects are ridiculous but none-the less impressive, the concept is creepy yet still makes you laugh and the dialogue feels... forced and staged, yet obviously heartfelt.

I guess maybe I'm just hoping things calm down for a bit. Maybe some normalcy (whatever that is, Zaphod) for a while. Sanity. But that is rather subjective given that it's my life. So, if I don't know what normal is... how would I recognize it anyway? Argh... it hurts the head.

I know what I want and I know what I get. These things are not always congruous (in fact, they quite often very incongruous). I often find myself at odds with myself and therefore am having a great argument without another person within 50 feet of me. Curious that. Perhaps I am insane. Perhaps I always have been? Frell if I know.

At any rate, there are a few people that have been anchors for me in my attempt to divine what is true and what is false. Heh... true and false questions used to be the easiest questions of all... why do they seem like essay quesitons now?

Wow, I'm babbling (this alone is sure to bring forth a blog comment or two). So I think I'll go to bed. More coherence later, perhaps.

Good Times

I can't begin to say how wonderful life has been lately. Last weekend, Twink, V, Heather, Rabbit, Ansley and myself all went to Ft. Lauderdale for Club X-It's last huzzah. Hosted by Euphoria Project, it was a great way to "Say Goodbye to Hollywood." So many DJs there... so many people there... fun times. And after that, we all went to the beach, met new friends and danced in the sand under the stars. How great is that?!

That was the *start* of my vacation. This last week, for the entire week, to celebrate my birthday, I took the week off. I spent some time reflecting on my situation here at home, helped Rob get his office (and our lives) in order, got the chance to spend a lot of time with V (which we rarely get to do), helped Twink get closer to landing a new and better job, got my garage cleaned, saw Rabbit and Heather off as they got on the plane to go to Vegas for their wedding and honeymoon, spoke with Kowboi and landed some contract work along with possibly getting some vocals for some tracks, worked on two new songs, lived life grand. :)

But I ended it the best way I could possibly hope for. I invited Twink, her kids, Josh, V, Twink's sister Laura and her family, and my neighbors for a barebecue. The kids and I played in the pool until the food was ready, we watched some movies, played some music, had a few drinks (the adults that is) and some great conversation. I got the chance to play some of my new work for Laura and her husband Jim gave me some great ideas for the great room and my studio.

The best part was the kids, to be honest. I miss having children in my life and hanging out with them is always a bright spot in my day. Being the last of 7 children and having 18 neices and nephews, it's amazing how much you realize that you're missing when it enters your life again. There's nothing better than the sound of children laughing and playing and having a good time. I know that they represent an enormous responsibility and that they're not always fun and games. But being a part of them growing up is a gift that anyone should be thankful for. It was a beautiful day too, so the kids had full opportunities to enjoy the pool and each others' company.

I want to thank everyone, all of my friends, for everything you've done for me and express how much you all mean to me. But there aren't words enough to do it. I hope the song in my heart will find it's way to my fingers and express itself soon. When it does, I'll be sure to share it. Thank you so much and may your lives be rich and filled with the same love you've given me this week.

Hugs,
Jenna

Hell Yeah!

So last night I was about to post a blog about some really bad stuff. My brain has been working overtime trying to figure out what has been going on in my life and my relationships. But as I was writing the blog, I clicked on a link a friend sent me and it wiped out my blog entry. I was frustrated. Then I read the link he sent and it screwed with my head even more. On top of that, I received another communication last night that also screwed with my head some more and so by the time the evening was through my head was pretty fucked.

I went to lay down on the couch to try to sort things out. I put in an episode of Farscape (because John's my man and Aeryn's my woman and Dargo's my... well... my Dargo). Anyway... I couldn't get all the events out of my head. That's when V came upstairs (she had been borrowing the use of my phone and computer) and asked if I was okay. I said, no not really.

I'm so thankful she was there because I started to become all unglued. There were pieces of me everywhere, really. But she guided me back to a time when things were beautiful and I finally put some pieces together that were missing from the giant puzzle... a puzzle I've been trying to complete for 7 years now.

I cried my eyes out. But it was such a cleansing, purifying flush of tears I can't even begin to describe. I went to bed and talked with Rob and told him everything I was feeling, told him what I need and what I want and finally ate crow for something terrible I did years ago.

This morning I woke up and things looked different. I can't explain how or why... everything just looked different. It's almost like Steven Wright's joke where he says that someone broke into his house and replaced everything in his house with exact replicas. It's the same stuff, but it all looks different.

I sat down at the keyboard and two beautiful melodies came streaming out that I hadn't heard before. Where they've been hiding, I don't know but I was gratified that they chose me to sing to. Then a phone call from Kowboi totally made my day even more spectacular.

This has been a fantastic and beautiful day so far and it's just barely past noon. :) Just wanted to share some good stuff. When it's good... it's real good!

Breathe In, Breathe Out

In a few days I will mark the beginning of another year on this planet. Breathing in and breathing out mostly... with a few other things to keep me entertained and well fed.

I've been thinking about this day coming up. Been thinking about how we tend to change the way we celebrate them. When we're kids, every birthday is a celebration. Some times they're bigger celebrations than others... but there's usually presents, friends, games and junk food involved. Also, we're always in the present... not looking at the past or the future... there's too much going on in the now to think about anythiing else!

At some point in our lives, we trade the junk food for alcohol (or other substances), trade the games for parties, clubs, etc., and sometimes lose the presents (and sometimes friends) altogether. As this trend continues, we also start to ignore some of these birthdays and start celebrating only the ones that society has given some arbitrary meaning to ("lordy, lordy, look who's 40" or "the big 5-O"). We also stop living in the present. It becomes more of a look at what we've done in the past, what's still left to do... and that there's now less time to do it in.

Why do we do this? There's only one day less than there was the day before the birthday. It's not like it sneaks up on us. Why do we stop celebrating our lives on the planet with our friends the same as we did when we were kids? I guess we're older now... wiser... busier... more responsibilities... in a nutshell: "too old for that shit."

Bullshit.

Not only do I plan to never get "too old for this shit," I plan to reverse the whole process. :) The older I get, the younger I'll act. It should be a lot more interesting having been through it once already now. Now I get to try it in reverse. :)

I am honored by all those that call me friend. Honored by those that celebrate my life as I celebrate theirs. If I could have one birthday wish, it would be that everyone who celebrates with me leaves all their cares behind just for that one day and lives in the present ... myself included because I'm just as guilty of the travesties I mentioned above. That would be just fine... no... it would be perfect. :)

Wheeeeeee!

Went to Bass Wednesdays last night and saw Mondo and Retro spin. Very cool cats, both of which were keepin' my feet movin' most of the night. It was a good night. It was the first time I got to hear Retro spin live. Twink and I met him there quite a while ago (bought us shots... see my earlier post about Brad Smith). I highly recommend their show. They're good now with the potential of becoming great.

Recent events have had me off-balance lately. More corneal ulcers, other medical crap, false accusations of impropriety made against me, Rob leaving his new job (with my full understanding... doesn't make me any happier... but I do understand his reasons), etc. Still trying to sort it all out. But I did manage to get a new track written last week. Hoping to get some time soon to bust out some more. I really want to get enough material together that *I* like well enough to take to the WMC next year.

Also working on some other business opportunities and potential gigs. They're all exciting possibilities, I just wish at least one of them would take off a little faster than they currently are.

My recent relationship issues have been put to bed. I'm hoping this doesn't mean that new ones are on the way or that the old ones wake up, crawl out of bed and bug me again. So far, things are good.

So overall it's been a bit of a rollercoaster with the highs being very high and the lows being truly effed up. So given that description, the most appropriate thing for me to say these days is just.... "Wheeeeeeeeee!!!!"

Speaking of roller coasters, if you haven't been on "Revenge of the Mummy" at Universal yet... you're missing out. Take the best things from Spiderman and Space Mountain, add the atmospherre and theme from "The Mummy", put them all together and crank it up a notch or two and you have "Revenge of the Mummy." Quite possibly the best ride of both parks right now.

Anyway, not sure what's going on this weekend. There are plans but with Katrina and the Waves coming to Florida, plans might change... ya never know. More later.

A Good Day

Wow... I had a whole day off today and am getting another one tomorrow... holy crap! I'm amazed that I wasn't called by the office ONCE! Hmmm... maybe this is a bad thing? Nah....

So, Rob got a job! YAY!! He started work today. He's selling boats so... if anyone wants to buy a boat. ;) This makes Jenna very happy... VERY happy indeed.

Going to a birthday party tomorrow night. Then on Saturday I get to babysit for Twink's wee ones. I'm looking forward to this weekend. Should be a lot of fun. :)

Other than that, not much else to report. Still not sure if I'm going to Indiana next weekend. Possibly. Things are still kinda up in the air at the moment. I love last minute decisions, don't you?

Anyway, that's all for now. Short and sweet (very atypical of me, I know) but at least it's not a long drawn out weep reflecting a gnarfed-up frame-of-mind. I do have some good days now and then. :)

I don't understand... Oh wait, now I do.

So, say you have a problem. Maybe someone or something created it for you but usually it's one you created for yourself and you know it. There's this still small voice that tells you what you need to do to resolve it. It feels right. It gives you so much peace to think about the solution that it's almost euphoric. But yet you don't listen to it. Why is that?

I think we all do it... I know I do and I know when I'm doing it. How do I know? Because I feel miserable when I don't listen to it and try to find a "more comfortable" solution or one that won't cause "social change." Yes, I guess I'm talking about being selfish here. But.. it's just ish. Just being self....ish. Like when someone says "Are you hungry?" and you say ... "ish." Why do we beat ourselves up for it? Are we that undeserving in life? What horrible sins have we committed that have affected the global, national, state-wide... hell even city-wide communities by being a little selfish? Nothing really, right? I thought so.

I don't understand why we do this. I've been beating myself up for a perceived slight from someone else that I also perceive resulted from them feeling slighted by me... yes... a PERCEIVED slight. There's something to put myself in a week-long funk for... rather than do what the little voice says and talk to the person I think slighted me and feels slighted by me... or so I think, at least.

In this scenario, I can tell you it's because I think so highly of that person that even showing the slightest hint of imperfection scares the living daylights out of me. God forbid I let them know I'm human... heavens no. Why? Because it's hard to show someone I love and care about that I'm not perfect. Not that I think I'm perfect (ha! perfectly batty, perhaps)... but I want to be perfect for the people I care about. I never want to make a mistake with them.

I think people in general don't want to look at ugliness, especially their own. I know I don't. Of course, I'm talking about actions not physical looks and shit. That's one reason why I try to never be ugly to anyone even if I feel they deserve it. The "they may have started it... but I'm not going to perpetuate it" type of thing.

But what I always run into is what do I do when I feel like someone I love and care about has been ugly to me? Regardless of whether it was conscious or not... it still feels that way. One would think that THAT's the person you SHOULD be able to say, "Hey, what's with this? I'm confused, I don't understand your behavior" to.

I admire those that can do that. Sometimes it seems I can deal with the things that don't matter easier than I deal with the things that do matter. Sometimes the things that do matter to me don't matter to someone else... and vice versa.

Ah HAH! Maybe that's it. Say I make a decision to do something based on what matters to me without thinking about whether it matters to someone else... not out of conscious malicious forethought against anyone but simply because it didn't occur to me to think that way. Then I find out that that decision DID matter to someone else. And that someone else is ALSO someone that matters to me. Now I'm in the situation where the other person feels slighted because it occurs for them that way when it was just me being .... self... ish. Language is a terrible way to communicate, isn't it?

Now this compounds within me because the person matters so much to me and I worry about making it worse somehow so I say nothing. I guess it pretty much boils down to cowardice, doesn't it. Grrrrr. I hate being a coward. But... at least now I understand a little better. I guess just writing it all down is enough sometimes, right? Never too old to learn something about yourself, as they say.

I guess the thing to learn here is that just because something doesn't matter to me personally doesn't mean it won't matter to someone who matters to me. The trick is to realize that it DOES matter to the other person and to acknowledge that it matters to them.

Personally, I've never done anything to intentionally hurt anyone that I can ever recall. By my actions, however, people have been hurt despite my best efforts to find a "more comfortable" solution. Where I will absolutely draw the line is anything that affects the health or liberties of myself or those I care about. Some people disagree with where I should set my limits in concern of my OWN health and liberties... but I know what I can take and what I can't.

What I can't take, more than anything else, is someone I care about feeling that I've purposefully slighted or hurt them. If I tell you I love you, you can take that to the bank. If you think otherwise, let me know... because I'm probably unaware of it. I can often times be dense as a brick. I also promise to face my own cowardice from this point on and let you know when I'm feeling hurt. Y'all might need to beat me to get it out of me tho... and yes, I'll probably enjoy it. :)

--Jenna

38 hours... awake and sober. WTF?

Alrighty then... it's been 38 hours since I last had any appreciable amount of sleep so I have no clue what this post will be like... but it seems like the thing to do at the moment.

Things started going weird Tuesday when something in the database decided to replicate itself ohhhh.... a couple million times. This created a cavalcade of conundrums that cocked up everything. This has led to my issues of late... being awake... 38 hours... sober... with no end in sight. *sigh* But I'm with good company. My boss is hangin' with me with drinks and snacks to keep us going until everything is resolved. Happy happy. Or as happy as one can be.

Listening to the Future Sound of Breaks... waiting for a phone call from a guy who's planning to leave us about a database no-one cares about... except our clients. WTF? I'm losing it.

If all goes as planned (Insert "Tom Hanks from Money Pit" laugh here), we'll get this shit sorted and I'll still be able to go out to a party with good friends tomorrow night. If, however, Murphy pays us a visit... uhm... that dude needs to chill out.

Anyway... not much else to say. I'm beat... if I'm not at the party... please send someone for both Jason and I. We could use the break.

Build your house upon the rock

I grew up in a Christian household of 7 kids. I was the last... a surprise as my parents call it. I've had several benefits from this. The most harped on, of course, is that I got away with murder... whatever... not really... just manslaughter.

In reality, the biggest thing I ever got out of it was my sense of right and wrong, my morals, my ethics, my values etc. They're all based on what Christ said in the Bible.

I was a student at Anderson University, a "Christian affiliated" college. Which means I had to take some Bible courses and go to chapel twice a week. I decided if I had to take these courses, I wanted to really study it. Study the records of surrounding cultures, archeological data, etc. More than just a "Bible Study Group" with credit hours. I learned a lot about my own beliefs and my own faith based on what was corroborated by other cultures and learned what I had to accept on faith. I also began to learn and take to heart the truths that lie therein... truths that span all cultures regardless of ideology.

Some of these have come into play recently in my life. Scriptures that talk about forgiveness, turning the other cheek, shaking the dust from your feet, etc. have all come back to me recently, giving me strength in my convictions and my actions.

One came to mind today about the wise man who built his house on a rock versus the foolish man who built his house on the sand. When the rains came, the wise man's house stood firm while the foolish man's house was destroyed.

But what happens when what you thought was rock turns into sand?

The foundation for my life for several years now has been my relationship with my significant other, Rob. We've had storms that we've weathered and we even took a year off at one point to make sure that we were meant for each other before taking the plunge into a full-on life-long committment. There were other reasons for that breakup too, but afterwards, I was committed and built my hopes and dreams for the future on the strength of our relationship, the promises we made to each other and the love we have for each other.

It's not hard to tell where this post is going, I guess. Disney says that "true love conquers all." Maybe so. But at the moment, it feels like the storms have finally chipped away the veneer of rock to reveal nothing but sand ... and my house is sinking quickly into it. Maybe choices in my life have brought me here. Maybe all I'll ever get is ... pretty sand. Maybe it really is rock and the house is just... settling. I don't know.

Some say run from the house before it falls apart and buries me. Others say stay true and weather the storm... it will eventually subside and any damage can be repaired... that it simply reveals that which you need to repair BEFORE the house falls apart. But when you're questioning the very foundation... the house itself becomes immaterial, doesn't it?

I could go into all the details, but it does nothing more than perpetuate the endless stream of opinions, warm wishes, chastisements, etc. that inevitably come from such a display. I guess the only reason I bring all this up is why we blog in the first place... to vent... to share our feelings and hope that someone else out there knows *exactly* how we feel... and that maybe *they* have an answer. But answers are optional... just a knowing look and a hug will do today.

4 weeks later...

Yah... I guess it's been a while since I posted in here, eh? Lots to tell, lots to tell. So where do I begin... hmmm. Well, the weekend after my last post was a party at Twink's. That was an absolute blast... oh yeah... :) Let's see... many movies, much music (kudos to dorrmat!), people getting eaten by a big blue thing resembling a sea anemone, glowstick flipping, a big blue weener, and the occasional "wtf?" all added up to a good time. :) No? You had to have been there.

The weekend after that? Tennessee! Hell yeah! I had never actually spent any time IN the mountains before. I had driven THROUGH them on the interstate... but I had never had the pleasure of really enjoying them. Twink and I went up to North Carolina for a couple of days and then Gatlinbug for a couple of days with her kids. Couldn't have asked for a better vacation. Good times with your best friend ... nothin' better... yeah the drive was somethin' fierce (especially the drive back) but it was far out-shadowed by the good times.

Hmmm... weekend after that... (a.k.a last weekend) ... well, back up a little to Thursday night. My neighbors came over and lounged around in our pool (with the solar panels working now for some odd reason) and Twink popped by. Rob and I were scheduled to go to Tampa that weekend but Dennis the Menace changed our minds. So instead... we decided to all get together at my place for a little... R&R. :) However, very little of the first R occurred until like... Sunday. ;) It's funny how a little get together can suddenly become a party. But... I didn't really hear anyone complaining. By the way... I highly recommend spongepainted walls. I'm so happy I did it now. :)

Move forward to Tuesday.... woke up with my left eye swollen shut. Hmm... doc??? Turns out to be another corneal ulcer. I had one of those before in the other eye. Luckily this one didn't do much damage either and it's being resolved as I type.

Eco is on his way to Seattle soon. In fact, in 27 hours, he'll be on a plane headed there (by way of Atlanta and Denver). I will miss him very much. He has his faults yes, we all do. But if it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't know the people I know today... would never have met Twink, and would never have realized that I was walking through life pretending to enjoy it and not really enjoying it. Thank you, Eco. God bless ya and I hope things work out better on the west coast than they did here.

This weekend we're headed off to Tampa for what we were supposed to do last weekend. Looks like Emily isn't going to bug us so we're cool. More fun stuff ahead of us too. Life continues rolling on and the future is brighter than ever now. So, until next time...

P.S. Fantastic Four.... Hell yeah! Reed Richards is the BOMB!